Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

[Neil90]

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

Applause. All of this.

@InMyShowgirlEra Slight flaw to your argument...if I was in a massive house why the heck would we have our 5 yo daughter in with us?!!! 😆
May I ask what you mean exactly by "own space?" Were your daughter and stepdaughter sharing a room? You say "our kids" so I assume you are with a partner? So not privately renting on your own then?

I have privately rented alone and with a partner and I am now married.

DD and SD have shared a room but never a bed, and we worked as quickly as we could to cut our outgoings and increase our income in order to give them both their own rooms as I don't think 2 children 10 years apart should be sharing long term.

Why you would choose a flat with one unusually large bedroom instead of 2 smaller rooms is beyond me but it will be addressed if your tween or teen one day complains at school that she has no private space of her own.

I'm not continuing to argue with you or engage with your attempts to justify your pitifully low standards for parenting.

You laugh @everychildmatters … a lot

If this were my child, I would not be happy about this new arrangement- sleeping on a sofa in a chain smoker's flat (the rest isn't great but it's circumstantial...). Especially if the child herself is unhappy. I'd keep trying to negotiate with your ex, making sure you agreed that any change of plan could always be reversed, seeing if you could at least reduce the time at grandma's. Try and come at the issue as a way to help your ex and your daughter, not in a confrontational way. I would really not be happy with the current arrangement. I would seek specialist legal advice if nothing changed and your daughter remains unhappy. I don't see that your autism would be a factor in any of this. It doesn't prevent you from seeing the situation clearly and wanting better for DD.

It is definitely not ok for your child in be growing up in a chain smoking environment.

If I were you, this is what I would do:

Send ex an message that you are not happy with your daughter spending time and sleeping in the home of a smoker because of the danger to health of second hand smoke. Mention that your daughter comes home and her clothes stink of smoke. Ask her if she would go and be a carer when her own clothes stink of smoke?

Ask her to let her daughter have a bedroom in her own home, and if grandma needs to babysit, then its in her house ,and grandma does not smoke in that house.

When your daughter returns home, take her clothes and seal them in a bag.

Ask your daughter if she likes her grandma smoking in front of her and document it.

If it were me, I would apply to court and get social services involved, and apply for full custody. This is to protect her health.
The irony is your ex is out there working as a carer (free from smoke) and your child is exposed to second hand smoke which is even worst.

@InMyShowgirlEra Yeah, thought so. Not in the same position as the single mum here. Assuming you and your husband are both in ft work so financially bringing in.
We don't live in a flat btw.
I wonder what would haplwn if the "lovely" OP Dad stopped giving the ex £1000 pm. Think about it... how might her housing situation change for her?

It doesn't really matter to the daughter considering she doesn't even live with her.

The OP isn't about you. Stop trying to desperately make it about you in your scramble to defend your own choices.

Your kid lives with you, in your home, with two parents who presumably love them and care for them.

Your kid is not being palmed off on a grandparent, in a cramped, cluttered flat where she's forced to live in the living room and sleep on a sofa while living out of a bag stuffed in the corner.

Well she won’t need the £1000 a month from you anymore if your daughter is no longer living with her. I’d stop payments to her and let her know why as you are essentially funding her to live a great life away from your daughter. She might change her mind then.

@Lurker85 And she'll more likely qualify for social housing.

And your point? The mother already gets help. If she is not willing to raise her DD, the OP is more than willing. Of course, the "mother" might lose her UC and other benefits if she doesn't have her DD with her. Would serve her right to lose it all because it sounds like she isn't thinking of the big picture or her DD's needs and comfort.

If granny wants her DGD, she can move into a two-bedroom and stop smoking.

P.S. You can stop defending whatever choices you've made. I haven't read all your posts, but it seems you want to become the center of the story, and it's just not about you.

That's what I have figured also. She was entitled to those benefits when she had her DD 1/2 of the time. Giving "custody" to her Mom means she should lose those benefits. Her Mom is not a suitable "parental figure" with the space problems and the chain-smoking. She should not be cheating the government.

The only one who wants the best for the DD is the father.

I would dearly love to hear the mum's version of events. Strangely enough the OP hasn't been back?

Right. I asked him how he knows how many hours his daughter is there, how he knows the flat is dirty, how he knows the grandmother smokes around the child, how he knows the child doesn't have her own bed (gran could be sleeping in the living room). He didn't answer. He might be telling the truth, of course he might, but basically we have the OPs word for all of it - and men do lie thorugh their fucking teeth about women's parenting and behaviour a lot.

But if what he is saying is true, he'd have no problem going to court and revisiting the arrangement. Courts DO NOT favour women, they favour main caregivers who usually are women, and he certainly sounds more than capable of arguing his case in court.

@Thursdayschild2025 Absolutely agree with you. If it really is a clear-cut as the OP is making out he would surely take it to court?

Oh my word I've nearly wet myself reading this "alligators" 😅🤣😂

yes, because bringing up a Typo, that was covered ages ago, 8 pages in, is SOOOOO funny. Go you.

When do we EVER get the other POV on here? It is never going to be the 'gotcha' you're aiming at.

🙄🙄🙄

Imagine if the roles were reversed:
Man getting £1k per month.
Dumping his child in his mother's house while he works nights, so barely sees her.
Grandma chain smokes and child stinks of ciggies.
Child has no bed or bedroom at Grandma's.
Dad essentially visits child during his 50% custody.

Wow wow wow. This is DISGRACEFUL.
The mother wants her cake and eat it.
She wants money, despite him having the child 50% 🙄
She is taking the absolute piss.
The child is supposed to come first.

If the roles were reversed, everyone would have said get full custody to the mother.
The hypocrisy is astounding!?
This man needs to go to court and get full custody of his little girl.

@Littlejellyuk I agree with a lot of your post. Except the £1k part being suggested as a lot of money when privately renting. That quite possibly isn't going to pay her rent alone. So I can see why she perhaps needs to work more to cover everything.

Millions of parents are working full-time with full-time care of one or more children and not getting £1000 a month. They make it work without sending their children to live with grandparents in substandard conditions, and many of them don't have the option of a clean, safe home with another loving, willing parent.

She has one 8 yo 50% of the time and a generous contribution to her living costs. She's not a victim in any way, shape or form.

She wants all the benefits of having a child and none of the responsibility.

We don't know that she's privately renting and even if she is it's not his responsibility to pay her rent.

@Neil90 I imagine if she allows daughter to be with you full time she will lose a load of benefits & I don’t imagine you would continue with the £1000/month. It’s sad that she is denying her daughter a better life. You are giving her loads of extra money, and enough for her to get a mortgage rather than paying all that rent out. You would get a hard time if roles were reversed. Why is she getting benefits, child benefits & also your maintenance? She must be rolling in money. I would apply for 100% time with your daughter.