Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

[Neil90]

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

Haha! Got to love someone who has no idea how to concede with dignity!

Bless your heart!

Where the hell did you extrapolate that story from?

Nope. Nonsense. She is very much caring for her it is never dumping a child to give them to a caregiver when working and you sound desperate to paint your ex in a bad light by saying this, which will very much stand against you in any legal proceedings.

Unfortunately, this incorrect statement also makes you an unreliable narrator.

If it is true that your daughter is living in a smoke filled environment and does not have a bed of her own when there, and that the flat is dirty, then those are good reasons to go back to court.

Using words like horrible and dumped will not assist you in any way. Just stick to the facts.

Not sure how you know that the grandmother smokes around the child, the flat is dirty and she does not have her own bed? However if these are true facts you should seek more custody through legal channels.

That sounds unlikely. Where are you getting your information from? Did your ex tell you this or are you making assumptions?

But ok, if this is true you will find no problem in getting more custody, and rightfully so.

@Thursdayschild2025 Not sure how you know that the grandmother smokes around the child, the flat is dirty and she does not have her own bed?

Because the child has told him?

The smoking and alligators aren’t good

but nothing wrong with sofa bed in a flat. You do no a lot of children are raised in flats or bedsits? Not everyone’s lucky enough to own a house with tons of space /garden

There's several reasons this could be happening. If ex has upped her work hours she won't be able to claim the extra uc or anything but the grandma could claim by saying the child is there and get other discounts council tax etc..either way if there is no court order I would do exactly what I did in a very very similar situation but with a son, I refused to let him go for his visit until ex sorted a new plan or took me to court. We did go to court and he lost his 50/50 because they agreed a smoke filled house and a pair of old grandparents were not a place for the child to be other than general visiting. Ex refused to swap shifts and sadly his visits with child soon stopped also even tho holidays,days he wasn't working etc were all offered. Don't worry about the autism, my lawyer sorted everything you don't have to speak or anything

The hill I will die on is the damage done to child's lungs from being cooped up in a flat with a chain smoker. Like I said before my husband was a health and fitness practitioner all his adult life and it did NOT help with the lung cancer he developed after living cooped up with chain smokers in his childhood.

100% I would go to court for custody then. Its a no brainer if this is true- if she’s moved her daughter in with her mum because she thinks it’s better for her Daughter to have consistency, then she hasn’t a leg to stand on when you say your dd should live full time with you as her parent. Thats even leaving out the chain smoking and small flat.

But it recognised by every parent and in court that a bed and a room for the bed is better. Just because it’s not a decider on its own for court doesn’t make it irrelevant.

You don’t seem to have read the updates. Unless the op is grossly misrepresenting it, this is black and white.

I don’t agree. A lot of family’s I no raise there kids in flat/share bedrooms. they think
im posh cause I got a 2 bedroom house. Im
anything but posh 😂

so it dont matter that the OP daughter spends a few night’s on sofa bed in a flat 🤦‍♀️

That is not what he said, and why are you being so argumentative?

It's not a sofa bed, it's just a sofa, and it's not a few nights, it's 50% of her nights.

Why do people think it's ok for a mother to abdicate her parenting responsibility to her mother, when there is another parent who's willing to take it?

You're hallucinating. Too much smoking.

Sofa is ok for a small kid but not a teenager granted. if your that precious by her a single bed 👍

who’s thinking that last bit you said? you should be thankfull family help you! 🤦‍♀️

I think they could jump the alligators, right after that shark...

A lot of people, including you, apparently, seem to think that it's fine for the mother to just dump her child on the grandmother for the entirety of her parenting time. That's what's happening here; it's not childcare.

I don't know what you mean about me being grateful to have family to help me. I don't have any family to speak of.

You come on here to get help. Your not listening to no one. May be you should of posted your post on a dads forum. Stop telling me what I think.😂 I dont tell you what you think.

You sound like hard work.

I think you’ve had a hard time on this op. I do 50/50with my ex and tbh I would be livid if my children were expected to sleep in a Smoky environment or stay somewhere long term without a bed of their own.

I would attack this situation in a multi pronged way. I’d contact the school, I think you have legitimate concerns and would like to know if bc they’ve noticed a change in behaviour when staying with Mil is she tired, does she smell of smoke? Stop paying maintenance and put in a claim for CB to be transferred into your name. Has she got a cough atall? I’d go to GP to get it on file. Consult a solicitor about getting full time.

Why would he contact the school tho? What can they do? I get it if you was to say contact SS

smoky home is bad…but his snobby about the sofa and flat. He got no idea that’s how lots off children live every day but his daughter only do it few night’s a week

No area is safe.😂 Get of your high horse 👍

Ditto to this.
He sound’s controlling and angry I think 🤔

i'm still laughing

I’d stop paying her maintenance.

I would contact the school.

and I’d take her to court.