Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

[Neil90]

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

That isn't up to the OP to sort though.

Why do you assume that the Ex hasn't already discussed that with her mother, and been told No.

I'm sorry, i'm a single mom, and at NO POINT would i consider it appropriate for my children to move in with my parent, sleep on their sofa, and only visit them occasionally when my ex has a perfectly decent house with bedrooms for them.

The mother is 100% in the wrong here. Your insistence on focusing on her finances instead of the childs wellbeing and environment is unfathomable.

Well you can carry on now as they have turned into German Shepherd Dogs or Alsations as I prefer to call them.

What you on about? He’s not coparenting with the mother, the mother has given his 8 year old daughter to her grandmother to live with permanently. The mother visits her daughter in a manky smoke filled flat on her days off. The mother is not doing any parenting is she?

The mother has probably met another bloke who doesn’t want her daughter around but she can’t let her go live with her dad in a house where she has her own room, lots of toys and loving family around her because she will lose a load of benefits and the £250 per week that the OP has been paying so she makes her poor little girl live with her chain smoking grandmother in a house where she doesn’t even have a bed to sleep in let alone her own room!

The mother is a vile specimen. She would rather her daughter be unhappy at her grandmothers than happy living with her dad because she doesn’t want to lose all the money and probably piss her new shag off. If you have “immense respect” for this so called mother then you really need to have a good hard look at yourself and think about the reason why.

OP definitely stop the payments to her and put it towards a good solicitor. Your poor daughter will thank you for it.

@Kreepture Are you a single parent in rented accommodation like the mum is? How do you manage to pay all of the rent and bills? It is really hard, isn't it?

she should be ashamed.

A bed with a mattress is a priority a sofa is not suitable to sleep on for 50% of your life. Social Services agree so maybe you better tell them it's ok.

I’m sorry you’re getting such a hard time here OP, purely because people can’t understand that sometimes dads can be more responsible and caring than mums.

I absolutely wouldn’t want my child in the home of a heavy smoker for even a couple hours, let alone living there half the time. I know it’s not illegal in a private property, but maybe it should be (when a child is present). Second hand smoking can cause serious lifelong health issues for anyone, especially young children. And the bed situation is another huge issue. Definitely fight for full custody if your ex doesn’t agree to it in these circumstances.

A more sceptical person would think this was a work of fiction to show how an example of a perfect dad and maybe to illicit responses that show men get an unfair ride on mumsnet.

I’m sure that not the case though! I’d probably just refuse to return her DGMs and tell ex to take me to court

@mumofoneAloneandwell Mumsnet is very classist. Unless you've lived life as a struggling single parent you genuinely have no idea.

Nope. i live with my elderly parent in a nice 4 bedroomed home in a nice area.

The house is hers btw.. because she put my childrens welfare first, sold her home and moved us here so we'd have room to live, rather than living in shit.

I spent 3 years sleeping on her sofabed/couch before we could afford to move because it was more important to me that my children had the spare bedroom in her previous home. My ExH pays me fuck all.
If he was paying me £250pw i'd be fucking laughing.

But DD isn't living at her Mum's. So yes as the other 50% parents he can.

"Maybe mum has no choice? Perhaps it's a case of work evenings or be homeless?"

Then she would be better advised to put her child first and leave the daughter with her Dad and pick her up when off work.

If this was a mum posting she'd be saying" no way am i allowing this "and everyone would support her and telling the dad to step up get a better job to provide for his own child....

@Walkden incredibly classist. And a little bit disgusting tbh. A mother who works to support her child is a bad one?!!!

But however hard she might be trying, she isn't supporting her child. Dad is willing and able so should have primary custody until mum is back on her feet.

" incredibly classist. And a little bit disgusting tbh. A mother who works to support her child is a bad one?!!!"

Class has nothing to do with it. Plenty of working class people out their children first and sleep on a sofa themselves so the child can have a bed.

You are overlooking the health/ neglect of a child because of your outrageous misandry. Disgusting indeed.

she isn't supporting her child.

she's fobbed her off into dirty, smelly, hazardous surroundings with no bed, where she's forced to sleep on a sofa and live out of a duffel bag... all while she continues to claim money she isn't entitled to because the child is no longer living with her.

Meanwhile maybe the ex wife and DD prefer it this way and have a reason. Maybe his ex wife is only working at nights for now.

He said the daughter doesn't prefer it.

No, a mother who can't see that the best interests of her child are more important than her "having" 50/50. She doesn't, she can't manage it apparently which is ok. Life is really hard and if she has to work nights to make ends meet she should allow the DD to live with her dad for the most part and see her on those nights she isn't working and when she can. The OP has said she's welcome anytime at his place or that he'd make the DD available whenever it best suits her.
There's nothing classist about not wanting your child in a dangerous neighbourhood and smoke filled home.

@Walkden You've clearly never struggled financially in your life. Or - oh how common - had no choice but to pay a ridiculous amount to a private landlord. It is so ridiculously oversimplistic to think mum can magic up huge sums of money and that, until this "magic" happens, mum should not see her daughter. Classist? Yes.

I'm glad the alligator connections has been sorted out. My husband is autistic. Makes him a fabulous human being. Yu sound like you are too. Don't let jay prevent you doing the right thing. Circumstances have changed. You've tried to resolve amicably. The court wouldn't have given granny 50/50 custody! She's very unlikely to be able to continue this. Go back to court. Make it swift. You would never forgive yourself if something happened. You ex might have to re think her life choices if she realises she could lose custody.

If your daughter is living 50% of the time with her grandma. then the access arrangement has broken down as its not the mother having access but the grandma caring for her.

Id suggest to your ex that you sit down and talk about solutions to the problem as you see it.

You could suggest that the grandmother was to care for the granddaughter at her mothers home?

Or that your daughter stays with you when the mother is working and stays at her mothers home when she isn't working.

access is for the child to see the parent and live life , not to be sleeping elsewhere as the other parent is working nights.

Although many split families use child care for after school etc - this is a different scenario with the child sleep elsewhere each access visit.

Id seek legal advice, but then offer mediation to come to a solution between you without the courts and ensuring the daughter gets access to both parents

Who has said mum shouldn't see her daughter? Non resident parents can see their kids you know? Ask all the Disney dad's if you don't believe me.

The mother rents a two bedroomed house! She has space for her child. She has chosen not to have her living there.

How do you know that they owned a home when they were together?

My ex husband and I have different housing situations. We owned a home when we were together. I kept it. I earn more than twice what he does because he's lazy and useless. I didn't do anything to prevent him from earning more money, and he's not in a worse position because of me. The OP is not a villain because he's a man, or because he's doing well financially. 🙄

No one is saying the ex can't see her DD, literally no-one. But if her circumstances are such that the logistics means the child is in a deeply unsatisfactory situation and he can offer something better, with full and unrestrained access as he has said, why is that not ok?