Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

[Neil90]

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

who has said she shouldn't see her daughter?

My kids only spend weekends with their dad because his work hours mean he can't have them overnight in the working week. .. but he has free access to them whenever he wants when he isn't working.

Wouldn't it be preferable that the girl lives with her Dad when Mom is working, then mom has her with her overnight when she isnt?

How on EARTH is it preferable, that rather than having her own bed 7 nights a week, that she is sleeping on a sofa for some of them? Explain that to me please?

@Digdongdoo With respect, you've lived a sheltered life if you think it is really that easy for a NRP to see their child whenever they feel like it.
What experience do you have of family separation?

@Kreepture What hours do you work?

Because she is working class?

Who said "whenever they feel like it"? It's true, that's not realistic with any sort of shared custody.

Agree tbh

I'm raising dd alone and we have STRUGGLED in the past

Its not so bad now thank god. But I could never judge someone for simplt being working class 🙄🙄

My nan smoked heavily and had a 1 bedroom flat, i stayed there as a kid overnights sometimes, I was fine and enjoyed myself - the judgemental op has irked me 😭

Can you edit your original quote to change Alligators to Alsatians just to stop having to explain it so often??

I think it’s such a shame for your dd to be essentially living between three homes. I understand why your ex had handed over care but would seem fairer for your dd to spend the majority of the week with you and then perhaps weekends/ ex’s days off with her.

Really the only way forward here is to seek legal advice.

"You've clearly never struggled financially in your life. Or - oh how common - had no choice but to pay a ridiculous amount to a private landlord. It is so ridiculously oversimplistic to think mum can magic up huge sums of money and that, until this "magic" happens, mum should not see her daughter. Classist? Yes."

You clearly don't know what you are taking about, not do you know anything about my circumstances which you are wrong about.

I also haven't said the mum shouldn't see her daughter. I've made it very clear she should allow the father primary custody and visit her when off work ( instead of doing the exact same thing at her grandma's)

As other posters have said this will cost her money so she'd rather have daughter live in squalor. That definitely shows a lack of class ; just not the type you are talking about.

If what you’re saying OP is correct on the week your ex is supposed to have your daughter she is staying with her grandma now? So she isn’t staying at all with her mum and you’re still paying £250 per week? I don’t say this often but I’d be going to a solicitor. I’d understand maybe 1 night a week with her gran but the full week sleeping on a sofa in a flat where her clothes stinks and her lungs being polluted with smoke it would be a NO xxx

I don't know where people are getting classist undertones and saying the mum shouldn't see her daughter. Nobody is saying that.
But the child should absolutely be with her dad in a home where she has her own room and her own toys rather than in a small smoke filled flat without a bed or a room.
If this was a woman posting you wouldn't say half this shite and the granny would be called a selfish smelly smoker. When it's a man asking the question though it's all OK. The mind doth boggle.

I would genuinely be interested to hear the perspective of others who have privately rented as single parents. It would be fascinating.

I think that is reasonable. So why hasn't the mother thought of it?

"I think that is reasonable. So why hasn't the mother thought of it?"

Perhaps the mother doesn't want her own flat / house stinking of smoke.

He hasn’t said she shouldn’t see her DD. He’s said he will accommodate her seeing her child whenever she can and wants to.

The mother is not putting her child’s needs first. Having her live in a dirty small flat, sleeping on a smoky sofa, having nowhere to put her things, and second hand smoking for half her time is a horrible situation which can also impact her long term health. OP can accommodate her in a safe, clean home. That is the best solution here with the mother visiting the DD when she can, and having her stay at hers when she can do.

@ANiceBigCupOfTea I agree. Any child having to share a bedroom should be reported to SS(!) * *

Occasional overnights are not the same as living there out of bag . My DD has to do that at her dad's in the school holidays. She's a teen now and hates not having a place for her things for 7-10 days at a time. The ops DD has said she hates the set up at her grans. This isn't about preferring a big showy house or huge luxury, just having a fairly minimal expectation of a bed.

Oh would you grow up.

Given the op's judgyness, and reference to dogs as 'alligators', i would suspect that the home is a normal council estate home which smells of smoke

I suspect there's more to the story and feel for the mother who must be going through it

Edit, yes more space for dd's things would be good, I'd speak to the mum about that.

But she's fine with her child stinking of smoke.

@ANiceBigCupOfTea When you stop being so classist.

How do you know you haven't already? I rented for a year as a SP until I could buy my own place following divorce. It cost ££1450 a month. I'm a teacher. Nothing flash, not a high earner but I managed. Both my kids had their own room, though they were young enough they could have shared. I relocated to afford a mortgage. (Dad not in the picture at this point). Don't paint all single mums with the stereotype of struggling on nmw and UC.

Perhaps I will go against the grain and say I think you sound very reasonable and caring. I would go via court though. If you cite safeguarding as an issue (a C100 I think) then the court will appoint a CAFCASS officer to do a thorough investigation and speak to your Dd to ask her preference. Having a sofa as her bed and living out of a bag IS a safeguarding issue. You’re right to be concerned about that. I think if you make clear to the court that you can offer all the contact time your ex would like when she is available and that you are absolutely not trying to cut mother out, but that the living conditions offered by mum are not child focused at the present time and aren’t what your DD actually wants. It isn’t a case of cutting mum out, just making things secure and stable for your DD with mum very much involved, as work commitments permit. You sound very focused on your child and with no animosity towards your ex or her family and I think that would come across in any interview with the CAFCASS officer.

The mother is working at night & has arranged safe, family child care

What she arranges during her time, is her business.

Unless there is some child safety issues.

Spend less time thinking about your ex & concentrate on your own family.

OP says the DD has moved in with grandma. That's not the same as arranging childcare.