To feel like an outcast because my child is the only child who doesn't go to nursery school all day :(

[rainbowprincesschapell]

Gosh i am in floods of tears and i know this IS unreasonable reaction. My DD attends a small school in the Nursery for half days and is 3.5. I am currently a single parent on LCWRA the reasons i won't go into but have posted before.

It seems like now the new rules have come in (which i know are great) she is the only one coming home at lunch time. Even if she did qualify for 30 hours we are happy with half days.

I feel like such a failure. Like i have a label on my head and she on hers.

we would both rather be at home together until she starts school next september. In some ways want her to grow up but obviously i do. we do enriching activities durning the afternoon. Her Dad does work more than full time but we are not together. Would she be better with him i don't know.

Is anyone else in this situation please that feels similar?

This, why would she be better off with a parent who is working more than full time rather than a parent who spends quality time with her most days?

I can promise you that there are so so many parents out there who would love to be able to spend as much time with their child as you do.

I guarantee you some of the parents at your DD nursery who have their children in full time wish they were able to pick them up at lunchtimes and spend and afternoon with them.

OP I sent my dc for half days to nursery. It was so good for them, particularly ds2, as he got all the benefits of the socialisation and preparation for the school environment plus one on one time with me where we read books together, went on walks and talked. It was excellent for his conversational skills and he started school doing really well despite being summer-born.

your dc is getting the best deal here. Enjoy the time you’re able to stay with them before school.

I think you are amazing.

You have survived severe domestic abuse and created safety for you and your daughter.

I think you are making the best decisions you can for yourself and your child.

You are not useless. He put those words in your head and it’s really hard to get them out.

Also children are only little for a really short time and it’s brilliant that you and she want to enjoy this time together. I am reminded of my friend who told me the reason she was a SAHM was because she didn’t have children in order for someone else to look after them.

Enjoy this time with her. It is healing. There will be time later when you have recovered some more to do the job search etc.

And fuck what anyone else thinks. Maybe they’re really jealous that you get to have all that time with your child and they don’t. Every time you worry about what they think, imagine that they’re jealous you have this time.

Wishing you a strong recovery in time ❤️

I qualify for the full 30 hours and it works out either three full days or five half days at our nursery (8-6). So you are being a bit unhinged thinking everyone has their child in full time nursery. When we can collect our DD early we do, as such long days away from us are not ideal so young.

I actually think mornings only is the ideal situation. That's what I chose for mine. They get a chance to learn and socialise but not be exhausted by a full day yet.

When my kids were at pre-school, we only got 15 hours funding (3 days)
Kids fared no better / worse than those in FT nursery.

Enjoy your precious time with her where she will have 1 on 1 time with you. The years go so quickly.

None of mine went to nursery at all, they just started reception.

Lots of children go part time or not at all.

OP you're not a narcissist, that was someone being ridiculously flippant entirely based on you using the word ego (I hope). Narcissists don't have deep feelings because they shut them all down - everything operates on a very superficial level. If you were a narc then your dd would just be a status symbol to you, who would be in favour only as long as she was making you look good. She would either be a nice prop in your life or you'd have lost al interest in her for not being what you wanted her to be. You would have no real concept or understanding of love.

That is definitely not you. It's much more likely that this is all down to your CPTSD. You are being really harsh on yourself and terrified of not being the perfect mum. But that's unrealistic, you are never going to be the perfect mum, you are going to make mistakes and get things wrong - but it's how you handle that that will be more important. You're doing ok OP, just aim for that. To be ok and to be doing ok.

Is it the case of being different to others? Is someone saying something that makes you feed bad?
There is nothing wrong with having a child at nursery for mornings only. On the contrary, its really good for her not to be away from her parent for a long stretch of time. Secure bond with a parent is the biggest need of a young child.

This

You're being a bit daft op. I'd never have sent my DS's to preschool full time...I'd have felt terrible about it and they'd have hated it.

I'm autistic....there's absolutely no way I could have ever managed a full time job when my DS's were young...or in fact when they were older - I have not had a full time job for almost 23 years. I have no idea how other people do it. I had trouble doing 16 hours when they were older.

In fact, I'd strongly advise against it if you're similar to me (you sound very anxious and guilt-ridden). I've now got chronic fatigue and am stuck on the sofa or in bed most of the time.

a. I dont think she is. OP sounds like she is very insecure with herself.
b. It may be true that some parents dont have a choice but even that doesnt make any difference in the fact that a young child isnt designed be in an institution away from their parents all day.

Agree. Half days in the school nursery were standard up until a few years ago.

IMO your child is getting the best of both worlds, opportunities for socialisation, play, experiences outside the home in the morning, time to be with her mum and do stuff together or just chill out in the afternoon. A full day in nursery can be long and overstimulating for a small child, even one doing school hours, a less structured day is a blessing , and these days a luxury.

Well there is obviously something that’s preventing OP from working otherwise she wouldn’t receive the LCWRA, you have to provide good reasons as to why you can’t work to receive it. OP doesn’t need to reveal that as it’s nothing to do with why she’s posting.

Reading OPs post and follow up comments does she sound like someone who is mentally stable to you? It sounds like she is struggling a lot to me but trying to help herself the best she can.

I get it OP, I worry about things that matter deeply to me that others think are trivial or can’t understand why I’m bothered or I’m having intrusive thoughts about things other people wouldn’t even consider.
Anxiety and other mental health problems skew your reality and make you question the smallest things, you think you are losing your mind because deep down you know it’s not logical.

From your OP I took it to mean that you feel you are failing your daughter because you can’t offer the same as everyone else and are worried your daughter is missing out and that others are judging you as a mother because you can’t send her to nursery full time and you think this would be in her best interest, is that right?

This isn’t the case at all and I doubt everyone is full time, you are just basing what you think is the right thing to do on other people’s actions and not what is best for you as you don’t trust your own judgment or have a balanced view.

It doesn’t matter what anyone else is doing as long as you are doing what works for you, stop trying to see yourself through others eyes because it’s just a different way of judging yourself through a different lens. You can never know what others are thinking and most of the time they will also be comparing themselves to others and worrying if they are doing the right thing.

As multiple people have posted, no one is labelling you and won’t have given your nursery hours a second thought, if you can then try to be a bit kinder to yourself. I know that’s easier said than done due to past experience and low self esteem.

Enjoy your time with your daughter and focus on the positives in your new life and the fact you are in a situation that currently works for you.
You sound like a strong person who has come through some difficult times and are now getting your life back on track and so keep focusing on the future ❤️.

This is very dramatic OP, how is your mental state?

@rainbowprincesschapellyou don’t know other people’s circumstances though ?

Your worries and feelings are coming from the CPTSD. I assume that you are receiving professional help with this? Do you have a therapist that you could talk your fears through with? You have done incredibly well to remove yourself and your daughter from a relationship involving DV. You are slowly building a safe, stable home life for you both. The effects from the DV and the emotional trauma you've experienced will take time to heal. No one, and I mean no one is going to judge you as a Mum or a person based on the time your daughter spends in nursery. No one knows you are not working full-time or that you are claiming UC - the only way anyone will know, is it you tell them. No one can tell by looking at you, what your circumstances are! These negative thoughts are in your own mind, no one is thinking badly of you. Sending you a hug ❤️

I guarantee that there is not a single parent of kids in that class that give a shiny shit about this.

You sound a bit mentally unwell tbh, you should probably see your GP.

My children only went for the morning sessions, we qualified for 30 hours free childcare but chose not to use it.
my husband works days, I work nights. Yes I was shattered but I preferred to care for my children and spend time with them in the afternoons.
Some parents possibly assumed I didn’t work as I was always present and the children didn’t go to childcare, however people’s opinions regarding my family mean nothing to me.

Everyone’s situations are different, you just do what works for you.

Once your daughter is in school you may get work and move on from benefits. But for now, she needs you and you’re there. Keep being you!

One of the things about being a parent is that it can cause you to endlessly worry about decisions.

Are they at nursery too little? Are they at nursery too much?

Are they at home too much? Are they at home too little?

Do they do enough activities? Are they doing too many activities?

Your child is having a good mix of time at nursery, and time with you. So please try not to worry.

And other nursery parents won't know who is in full days, half days, some days and other days. The only parent at DN (he lives with us) nursery whose details I know is my best friend's child and that's because we share pick ups!

I don't have a clue if Molly that he talks about a lot is there one day, two days or five. No idea if Sophie who walloped him (in his own words because he was annoying him) is full or part time.
I am fairly sure that Jasper doesn't only attend for five minutes a day as DN insists, but I don't know for sure 😂

It sounds like you've had a very tough journey and you're doing your damned best for your DD. Well done for getting through the tough bits so far.

From experience, kids who attend full days tend to become closer friends than those who leave at lunchtime. For obvious reasons, they bond more due to spending more time together. So the only genuine downside is that half-day children may end up on the periphery of friendship groups or birthday party invites and you have to put in a bit of extra effort to get to know the other parents with different pick up times.

Goodness OP, the other parents will be way too busy with their own lives to spare a thought about who is full time or part time. The nursery staff would absolutely not have an opinion on your DD being part time.
You have I think, recognised that you have other difficulties that are deeper than this. I hope you are able to get some support from your partner and other agencies that can help you be less anxious.

OP - you have a child who is thriving and enjoying both nursery time and time at home. You have clearly been through an absolutely shit time in your relationship and with your mental health, yet you have a child who is happy and you are holding things together. YOU ARE DOING GREAT!!!!

Why would you be in floods of tears over something so utterly trivial? Do what you want.

My DD is an early years teacher - new term started this week. They have about a dozen children who stay all day, about a dozen who do only mornings only, and about 10 or 12 more who do afternoons only.

Absolutely no-one would judge any of the parents. They all do what suits them and their lifestyles best.

Please stop worrying OP, she gets the best of both worlds, play time with her age-group and playtime with Mum.