To feel like an outcast because my child is the only child who doesn't go to nursery school all day :(

[rainbowprincesschapell]

Gosh i am in floods of tears and i know this IS unreasonable reaction. My DD attends a small school in the Nursery for half days and is 3.5. I am currently a single parent on LCWRA the reasons i won't go into but have posted before.

It seems like now the new rules have come in (which i know are great) she is the only one coming home at lunch time. Even if she did qualify for 30 hours we are happy with half days.

I feel like such a failure. Like i have a label on my head and she on hers.

we would both rather be at home together until she starts school next september. In some ways want her to grow up but obviously i do. we do enriching activities durning the afternoon. Her Dad does work more than full time but we are not together. Would she be better with him i don't know.

Is anyone else in this situation please that feels similar?

Isn’t what you’ve got the ideal? I changed jobs so my kids never had to go full time to nursery. They just did between 6-15 hours at preschool. And never went for more than a morning or afternoon. That was what I wanted for them! It was great we had loads of nice days out and toddler groups and classes together.

No, sadly it reads that the OP is mentally unwell, and needs support for her anxiety and paranoia.

You might feel that right now you're the only one who is a single parent and your DD is the only child with a single parent but trust me, as your DD grows up, the number of her peers in the same situation will be significantly higher and you won't feel so unusual.

If it helps you feel any better, I too have a 3.5 year old in nursery and I have no idea what you're on about re funding. So, I'm sure a lot of the other parents also have no idea and only know about the funding that applies to them.

Also if they're all picking their kids up at the end of the day then they won't see you picking yours up at lunchtime so will be unaware. I don't know most of the parents at my kid's nursery, or what days they do or when they're picked up. I rarely see another parent at pickup as we all go at different times.

It's also really difficult to admit to having mental health problems when you are a single parent.

It does not mean that you are not a good parent . It sometimes means you REALLY can't get a full time job. It can also mean you REALLY want to. And you need reassurance from other parents about big decisions for your child.

It sounds like you're giving her good enrichment when she's with you - sounds like a good mix of socialisation and nursery learning play with the time spent with you.

You need to remember that children haven't always gone to nursery before starting school (and not all do even now) - I'm in my late 60s, didn't start school until just before my 5th birthday and this was the norm in those days - no nursery. As I said earlier, I think your DD is getting the best of all worlds.

And you should not be ashamed - you'll be back on your feet soon, I'm certain.

Also to add, I don't know any kids who went to nursery full time. Full time is not the ideal imo!

This is what came to my mind immediately when reading it, like a post to start some debate about children in part time nursery vs full time nursery. Not saying that is the case, just how it read to me.

You seem to have the ideal, my children had to be in 35 hours a week due to us needing to work to pay the bills, but I would have loved for them to do part time when they were younger. Just enjoy it for now as your little one will be in school full time soon.

DS did 3 days split over whole and half and then 4 whole school days the term before school. There wasn't much difference though as it was only an extra few hours in the afternoon. I wanted him to have a good mix but I don't think it made a huge difference here or there.

Just do what works for you. I couldn't have told you what the other kids were doing!

Half days will be perfect for your child. They get to socialise with the peers for the morning then come home and do stuff with mum. Before the changes to the childcare system children got 15 hours towards preschool education - this is perfect for children. It only expanded because more and more parents needed it for childcare too. The current system isn’t set up for what is best for children, it is set up the way that keeps everyone working even when they have caring responsibilities. Don’t feel like you are making the wrong choice, your child will be in school soon enough and you’ll be working again.

Both my children only qualified for 15 hours, most of their peers did 30, absolutely no one cared. I did move them to 2.5 days for the last term so they got used to eating lunch in school, but I’m sure they’d have been perfectly fine regardless. I know a couple of other parents who felt bad their child was doing 30 hours and mine came home at lunchtime to do nice things with me - you can’t win, there’s always something to feel guilty about!

Several years later and you could never tell amongst my children’s friends which child did what at nursery. Your child will be completely fine- you’ve done the really important work to keep them (and you) safe and they’re accessing preschool education. Nothing to be ashamed of there. No one worth caring about is judging you on your marital status or how many hours your child does at nursery.

Years ago when mine went to nursery/playgroup/pre school what ever people call it, there was no such thing as all day , they went 9-12 and you could pick how many days a week they went!!
Theres plenty of time when the start school to go all day!

Why don't you send her all day then if you are that worried.. use the time to do a hobby or volunteering at the nursery? They won't judge you badly for that.

I think it's pretty clear that you're not a benefits scrounger. You've paid into the system, now the system is helping you.
I think you have societal shame about being on benefits because that's the rhetoric that has been around for quite a few years now (last govt should look shame-faced).
You sound to have deeply seated trauma which is eating away at your self-confidence. Chances are your therapy and support hasn't gone near that yet. It needs to, so you can heal.
In the meantime, hold your head high and know that you're making sound decisions about your child's upbringing.

People who work full time and send their kids to nursery feel bad, people who don’t send them to nursery feel bad, people who send them part time feel bad… you can’t win.

It does sound like there’s a bit more going on here OP and you maybe need to talk to a professional. This level of paranoia and anxiety seems to be a bit more than just normal mum guilt.

You’re not letting your child down - first of all, she doesn’t know you’re on universal credit because she doesn’t know what that is. You’re not letting her down. All she knows is she is safe, warm, and has someone who loves her. That’s literally all children at that age really comprehend. I remember when my mum was on benefits when I was little and at the time I had no idea what was going on. I was just happy my mum could pick me up from school everyday and that I got to see her all the time. I was actually annoyed when she found work because I meant my brother had to pick me up from school and he always forgot my snack.

Bless you @rainbowprincesschapell .
No one is thinking badly of you or your daughter.

We do put such pressure on ourselves as mothers. I felt like I was the only full time working parent at nursery and felt awful guilt! We can’t win and we are our own worst enemies.

When my youngest went to nursery attached to her school and even during the first term at reception I still brought her home at lunchtime as she often needed a nap in the afternoon anyway but I really enjoyed that one on one time with her. You never get these precious young days back again so if it suits you to have your child in nursery part time then it really is irrelevant what other people think! The same can be said for those who send their children in full time. The main thing is that your child is happy and cared for really.

You're over thinking the situation.
Most parents won't be aware of who goes home early, nor will they judge you.
I understand your panic, but put it out of your mind, continue as you are.
If anyone asks, be honest, if that suits, no-one will care.

Didn't read OP as bragging, more socially stigmatised.

My DC did part time nursery.

I would never, ever, judge someone for this (or for anything really, I do try not to), or for being a single mum, or for having any health issues.

When I read your post about being a single parent who had survived DV I thought ‘good for you, getting out, getting safe, bringing your child up in a safe and stable environment’

Your child is safe, and happy at nursery and happy at home. That’s all positive news OP

Lots of us have had mental health issues, it is so much more common than you think. I’m sorry that yours mean you can’t work, but once you’re better you will be able to again. This isn’t forever, and you doing a great job.

I have never noticed what another child’s hours are at nursery. Also even if she went all day no one would notice as most people collect when they finish work. So my DC would be enrolled till 6pm but I’d pick up at 5.20ish. Even if they did care enough to notice any one picking up their kid after me would have no idea if I picked DC up at 12 or 5.20.

I've never been aware of anyone's circumstances. Op, are you sure people even know, or indeed care?

Speaking as someone who has worked in nurseries off and on for many years, I can assure you that PLENTY of children only do half days.
The only problem with this is your perception.

I think I understand where you are coming from. Is it because everyone else is working and putting their kids in full time and you aren't? It's ok to not want your very young child in nursery full time.

Many years ago I did the same. The head of the nursery pushed for full time but my DCs key worker said half days were much better. That’s how we carried on until school age nursery which then was also half days, then reception in the year dc turned 5.

Just ignore any pressure and do what is best for you and your dc.

She has a disability.