To feel like an outcast because my child is the only child who doesn't go to nursery school all day :(

[rainbowprincesschapell]

Gosh i am in floods of tears and i know this IS unreasonable reaction. My DD attends a small school in the Nursery for half days and is 3.5. I am currently a single parent on LCWRA the reasons i won't go into but have posted before.

It seems like now the new rules have come in (which i know are great) she is the only one coming home at lunch time. Even if she did qualify for 30 hours we are happy with half days.

I feel like such a failure. Like i have a label on my head and she on hers.

we would both rather be at home together until she starts school next september. In some ways want her to grow up but obviously i do. we do enriching activities durning the afternoon. Her Dad does work more than full time but we are not together. Would she be better with him i don't know.

Is anyone else in this situation please that feels similar?

Apologies I can see from your other posts it wasn't meant like that. It was just a little hard to get my head around how you could feel bad for such a lovely, positive set up for your child. There isn't a right or wrong way with nursery it's just what balance each family needs, and I don't know anyone who bats an eyelid either way really. AUou're completely right it's totally possible to have mental health challenges and be an amazing parent. I hope you soon find the things that help. The ACT therapy books by Russ Harris might be worth a look while you're waiting or the Self compassion workbooks/website from Kristin Neff. Local Mind charities often have offers to support parental mental health, some have like fab craft groups or different things you can do for your wellbeing and self esteem so may be worth an explore.Sorry if my initial response sounded harsh, I can see now you were really struggling with this, and glad you have support and reassurance that what you are doing is not only Ok, but actually wonderful for your child :) .

Both of my girls did 15 hours per week (term time only) at nursery from around 3 until school age, this was the free hours we were entitled to.
We could afford more hours but I was a SAHM and enjoyed having that time with them. I’d say it was a luxury to have that quality time together!

Well most working mums are feeling really guilty for putting their toddlers in nursery for so many hours.

It's all in your head (and I say that kindly). Your daughter is getting the best of both worlds.

My 2.5 yo only does 3 mornings at nursery. She is the only one who does mornings and I've never thought it was odd or questioned what anyone else things about it. It works with our childcare juggle, no point in paying for nursery all day when we also have to pay a nanny to collect eldest from school. I think its a very long day for small children.

When my now 5yo started at the pre school just after he turned 3 we did half days for the first 2 terms. Then increased it to 3 full days after Easter in preparation for starting Reception. He was still needing a nap when he turned 3 and I wanted him to enjoy time and home and with me as he is a summer birth and would be starting school right after he turned 4.

Do what you think is right for your family. I've never thought about what other parents are doing re. childcare hours, so I doubt anyone is worrying about your choices.

But that's only herself and her limitations. That's no one physically saying she can not work. If she chose to work then she would be allowed, of course.

My kids went to a private school nursery and it was v common that the kids would have a nanny or SAHP and then just do the universal 15 hours since they weren’t eligible for the 30 because the household income too high and also they didn’t need the childcare. My point is that it’s not like 15 hours marks you out as being on UC so please forget that hang up. And it sounds like your current routine works great for both of you. So relax, stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and enjoy this last year before she starts school- it will go by so quickly!

So plenty of mums feel guilty for sending their children to nursery full time and only having them for a few hours in the evenings and 2 days at the weekend.

We have this growing narrative now (particularly as the 30 hours for 9 months old has come in) that all mums should be working full time and children are fine in full time nursery.

It's complicated because some parents genuinely need to work full time to meet the ridiculous living costs we all face. But our society (and governments) see mums as a potential economic unit and has normalized that rather than valuing is as mums.

There's trade offs. Some children will be happier in nursery because perhaps home life isn't that great. There's also luck of placements, but I think in general, full time nursery has been proven to be too much for under 4s. I've also seen some ridiculous settings where kids are like sardines, crammed into pokey small rooms in village halls.

Personally I struggle to imagine that every single child is there full time except yours. And I'd feel glad to pick my child up early!

It sounds as if OP wants lots of people to reassure her that PT nursery is much better than FT nursery, which is a bit insensitive as some parents don’t have a choice (no skin in the game, mine are much older)

OP, I was a single parent when DS was in nursery. He went 1.5 days a week, as that's the the Government's 'free' 15hrs covered. I couldn't afford to pay for more hours and I could only work for the limited time he was at nursery, as there were no other childcare options. Being at nursery part time (or not going to nursery at all) will not harm your child or their prospects in any way. You have not failed them and I think few people would put their children in nursery full time if they didn't have to. Both you and she are happy with this arrangement. You're doing great.

i don't want reassurance that part time is better at all.

No, I think you are missing the bigger picture here, OP is annihilating herself for not being good enough, she does not believe she is doing better for having part hours in nursery

I hear you my marriage broke up just before my son turned two so I was eligible for the two year funding he had speech and language issues so it was thought to be a great idea he go in! (Didn't do much to be fair apart from prove the point it was not my fault he had issues) i felt....poor (?) A failure a "charity case" i was glad when he started school and we were all in the same boat

I have no idea what timetable the other children at DD’s nursery are on. And in the nicest possible way, I really honestly could not care less.

I don't see the problem either. My eldest went 3 days a week for 6 hours a day until he was 4. My youngest is 2.5 and does the same and will do the same until he's 4 as well, maybe even 5.

Nothing wrong with half days at nursery and time with mum or dad or grandparents. On the contrary, if you have opportunity to do so, then it's lovely to spend that extra time with them before they go to school full time.

OP it sounds like you're in a rough place. As I'm sure you know, the issue you posted about isn't the real issue. You sound very down and burned out. As you rightly say, mental health support is hard to find at the moment but do you have people who can support you day to day? Do you have people to talk to?

In case it needs saying again, literally nobody gives a shit about what hours your DC is in nursery. I doubt anyone even knows. It's just not a thing to waste your precious energy thinking about.

You're doing a good job under very trying circumstances. Please don't give up trying to find help.

I did have a job but lost the same job twice. Due to memory blackouts caused by CPTSD which happen in stressful situations. This can also happen when interacting with her dad , in stressful interactions in public, with Nursery whatever.

It is a very real and devastating condition. Horrible. Would never wish on anyone. terry dying and mortifying.

Of course i want to work most people do! i have to manage things until my brain gets better.

What 'label'? Why 'outcast'?
No-one else cares how often your child goes to nursery, even if they know.
Total over-dramatisation.

This is not a real problem, but you are focusing on this because of other problems in your life. I hope you feel better soon.

You need to get it into context.

How many kids are in the class, do you think about all these children individually on a daily basis? Do you know the family set up of each of these children and the money that comes in each month? Do each of those kids take up most of your thoughts each day? If not, then that’s exactly how much other people are filling their heads with you and your child.

Mine is only going mornings. According to the nursery teacher many children only go to these sessions and then start school.

Your job as a parent is to keep your child safe, well and loved. It sounds like you've done that, she's been removed from a DV situation, she attends nursery and socialises with her peers, and gets plenty of time with her mummy too.

You're doing well OP, rebuilding your life will take time, the immediate priority was to ensure both of your safety and that's exactly what you have done.

We all feel mum guilt/judged. I feel it for my kids being in nursery full days and not getting as much of my time as I'd like in an ideal world.

Floods of tears? A bit dramatic isn't it.

What difference do the hours a child attends nursery make? No one gives a toss how long your child is at nursery except you.

You are no better or worse than parents of children who attend for a different number of hours. Your child is no better or worse than children who attend for a different number of hours.

Really, no one cares so don't cry over it.

Meanwhile I’m feeling guilt that mine has to go into breakfast and after school club on only his 3rd ever day there, until I go on maternity leave when I can drop the clubs and decide whether to do full or half days

Was planning to see how he gets on but for the first few weeks I am DREADING having to leave him there for full days plus clubs, but no choice really we need two wages

I’m in an area where most kids do just the morning or afternoon session, not many in wraparound or clubs, so the opposite to you OP

Put all your negativity out of your head. Your child is almost certainly better off at home with mum reading and playing happily together. There will almost certainly be other mums who are upset because they have to leave their children all day because they are stuck in full time jobs.

In the event that your daughter does ask about the afternoon sessions you just tell her that she can stay at home and do nice things with mummy. Do not underestimate the value of an afternoon in the library, helping to prepare good and doing painting together.

Don't respond to the negative posts. Take from the reassuring positive post's, they're the majority. Focus on the positives in your life too, it'll boost your confidence.

Both my children went to nursery school in the mornings only. All the nursery schools (as opposed to daycare nurseries) around here only have morning or afternoon sessions, you can’t go for the full day. It’s completely normal and the perfect balance of them getting a bit of socialisation and used to school routines before they actually start school and being able to spend quality time with them whilst they are little.

You’re just having a bit of a wobble. You are doing the best thing for your child. Don’t worry.