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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like an outcast because my child is the only child who doesn't go to nursery school all day :(

155 replies

rainbowprincesschapell · 03/09/2025 12:08

Gosh i am in floods of tears and i know this IS unreasonable reaction. My DD attends a small school in the Nursery for half days and is 3.5. I am currently a single parent on LCWRA the reasons i won't go into but have posted before.

It seems like now the new rules have come in (which i know are great) she is the only one coming home at lunch time. Even if she did qualify for 30 hours we are happy with half days.

I feel like such a failure. Like i have a label on my head and she on hers.

we would both rather be at home together until she starts school next september. In some ways want her to grow up but obviously i do. we do enriching activities durning the afternoon. Her Dad does work more than full time but we are not together. Would she be better with him i don't know.

Is anyone else in this situation please that feels similar?

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 03/09/2025 12:25

I suggest you find help for the actual issues you are struggling with. You know this has nothing to do with your daughter and nursery.

Plethorapeach · 03/09/2025 12:25

Reading between the lines you are feeling bad about only sending your child part time when other kids go full time.

But loads of kids go PT and financially and for your child’s benefit as an individual you know it is logically best for her but you still feel guilty.

I think you need to start recognising and praising yourself for the awesome job you are doing parenting her because there is a little voice somewhere in you denying that reality and you need to drown it out.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/09/2025 12:25

Is your dd upset to come home? Is that what you’re saying?

TurquoiseDress · 03/09/2025 12:27

I don’t really see the issue- she’s attending nursery, on a schedule that suits you both and presumably she’s happy there

Sounds like a good situation for all

Seeline · 03/09/2025 12:30

You feel other will judge because you don't qualify for the 30hrs?

I mean - they won't, lots won't use the full 30 even if they qualify.

My DCs only did mornings at the school nursery for the year before they started school because I was a SAHM. I honestly don't think they missed out on anything. Both settled well at school, and did well academically.
Your DD will benefit from time spent with you, and the activities our do with her.
It really is no one else's business!

muggart · 03/09/2025 12:31

I don’t get it. My 3 year old is home full time and she is thriving. Nobody has ever been rude to me about this choice, even though I know it’s not a choice most people would.

Do you believe your child is thriving? That is really all that matters.

PleaseBringMeMyWine · 03/09/2025 12:31

My 3 at that age only ever did two half days per week and that was very much the norm for most and it worked really well for us.

Please try not to even think about what others are doing - if it suits you and your child, that is all that matters.

AhBiscuits · 03/09/2025 12:31

DinaofCloud9 · 03/09/2025 12:23

Is this some weird brag that you care more about your child than those who have their child in nursery all day?

This was my first thought too. Everyone else sticks their kids in all day but you don't want to do that and spend lovely afternoons doing enriching activities. Congrats.

FluffMagnet · 03/09/2025 12:31

Honestly OP, most parents seem have their children in part time. It may just be that they go for 2 or 3 full days rather than half days. A WhatsApp group has been started for my youngest's nursery class, and it feels as though most of the mums are co-ordinating their days off to meet in the park and whatnot, whilst my friend and I sit silently ignored, as we have full time jobs and therefore full time childcare. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

ConnieHeart · 03/09/2025 12:32

Sounds like you are looking for things to worry about. This is not one of them. Who would put a 'label' on you or your child anyway? The other kids certainly won't & there won't be any other parents there when you collect anyway so they're not going to 'label' you. Anyone else who does look down their nose at you for some bizarre reason isn't worth your energy

ComfortFoodCafe · 03/09/2025 12:33

Nobody else cares how long your child attends nursery, what a strange thing to worry about.

Original poster
rainbowprincesschapell · 03/09/2025 12:35

i am trying to get help for the issues...we all know that's almost impossible. But it's another wake up call to keep trying. I've had medication, therapy and help from DV charities , 3 years free of SS involvement after DV. So it is in my head and the programming to be the best i can be to rebuild our lives ...

...and maybe i feel i am failing as i haven't got a full time job yet or sorted myself and my head out. So deeper issues than the Nursery, yes.

Maybe it's just a big trigger.

It is nice to know other parents are not judging me as a failure for only putting my DD in for half days because that is what makes me upset.

She is happy at her nursery and happy to be home doing all sorts of things. And will be happy to go to school in a year.

OP posts:
TickyandTacky · 03/09/2025 12:35

rainbowprincesschapell · 03/09/2025 12:21

the replies are helpful. thank you.

My issue is that i'm a single mum on universal credit and i am ashamed of my situation and feel like i am letting my daughter down.

So probably my ego and pride because i was once married with a good job etc. It feels like the parents are either couples with one parent at least working full time or single parents who can sort themselves out and graft.

Im not OK really, I feel crazy and paranoid and terrified of changes.

i really appreciate those who have reassured

I mean, you can get a job and claim the 30 hours too if you want? No one is stopping you.

HeinzTomato · 03/09/2025 12:37

This is really odd, OP, and I can only imagine is a reflection of your feelings about yourself more generally. Lots of people would consider your set up the ideal. Literally no one will be judging you.

Might be worth having a chat with a friend about how you're feeling generally or even your GPO if things are getting on top of you. It's not a rational reaction.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/09/2025 12:38

rainbowprincesschapell · 03/09/2025 12:35

i am trying to get help for the issues...we all know that's almost impossible. But it's another wake up call to keep trying. I've had medication, therapy and help from DV charities , 3 years free of SS involvement after DV. So it is in my head and the programming to be the best i can be to rebuild our lives ...

...and maybe i feel i am failing as i haven't got a full time job yet or sorted myself and my head out. So deeper issues than the Nursery, yes.

Maybe it's just a big trigger.

It is nice to know other parents are not judging me as a failure for only putting my DD in for half days because that is what makes me upset.

She is happy at her nursery and happy to be home doing all sorts of things. And will be happy to go to school in a year.

Mate. I don’t even know what the 30 hour rule is. Nor the 15. I would make absolutely zero judgement on anyone picking up their kids at lunchtime.

RobsWF · 03/09/2025 12:38

I think you’re doing a great job and as long as you and your child are happy, that’s all that matters 🥰

To those who felt the need to write snarky/ rude comments that weren’t helpful to a woman who needed kindness and reassurance, I’ll say to you what I’m teaching my children - Always Choose Kindness.

PollyBell · 03/09/2025 12:40

Why do you think that people spend that much time thinking ot you or your child? it seems a bit narcissistic is what I think when people go down the 'i am being judged' route, and if floods of tears is genuine than I think you really do help with this

MasterBeth · 03/09/2025 12:40

It's great that your daughter spends more time with you rather than being in n nursery all day

I bet plenty of the other parents envy the precious time you get to spend with her.

BartonInthebeans · 03/09/2025 12:41

Sorry I don't have time to look it up just now but I'm sure I've seen research previously suggesting that part time 'formal education' (e.g. nursery) can be better than full time for young children, assuming all's well at home and they're not just sitting in front of screens when not in nursery.
My DC only did 2 days at nursery (my choice, didn't want them in full time and could manage childcare-wise not to) and staff recently joked they'd be ready to take GCSEs by the end of reception as they're doing so well. It sounds as though you're doing an amazing job and providing a great balance.

Spookygoose · 03/09/2025 12:43

As you said @rainbowprincesschapell you know your reaction is unreasonable. It sounds like you’re projecting how you feel about yourself onto others and assuming that’s how they feel about you. I promise, no one cares. Everyone’s too wrapped up in their own lives to notice! I’m a single mum on universal credit too, my DD only went to nursery 2 days a week, I had no idea how many days the other kids went/what their circumstances were and I never cared. Everyone has different circumstances and they do what works best for them. I worked 3 days a week (one day she was with her dad) and loved spending the other days with her. You never get that time back and I’d never have had it any different. It never occurred to me that people would judge me and even if they did I couldn’t care less, my daughter and I were happy and that’s all that matters. She’s at school now and I miss her!

arethereanyleftatall · 03/09/2025 12:44

RobsWF · 03/09/2025 12:38

I think you’re doing a great job and as long as you and your child are happy, that’s all that matters 🥰

To those who felt the need to write snarky/ rude comments that weren’t helpful to a woman who needed kindness and reassurance, I’ll say to you what I’m teaching my children - Always Choose Kindness.

In that case you completely missed the point of all those comments, which was to reassure the op that this isn’t something to worry about. Very helpful when someone is having irrational worries.

BluntPlumHam · 03/09/2025 12:45

It was awful seeing kids at 3ish desperately bored and tired waiting till 6pm to be picked up when I picked mine at 3. there was one boy who would occasionally ask to go home with me when I picked DC up. DCs did only a few days and then went on to reception. Consider yourself lucky and privileged that you’re able to take your little one earlier because I’m sure the other parents who have no choice but to leave their LO till 6 would love to be in a position of taking them earlier.

CharityShopMensGlasses · 03/09/2025 12:46

This reads a bit stealth boasty or maybe it's a reverse? Not sure if you mean it like that, but its how it reads. Enjoy your time with your little one, no one else really matters xx

Original poster
rainbowprincesschapell · 03/09/2025 12:46

At least I can confirm I am not right in the head.

I don't think it's narcissism but it could be who knows ,the feeling comes for much deeper inside. Echos of threats to have the baby taken away and that I would be a terrible Mother and wanting better for us but constantly failing due to my mental health and poor decisions.

I have worked full time previously and i'm also an older Mum so will ignore any comments that say get a job.

OP posts:
GoodPudding · 03/09/2025 12:47

BoredZelda · 03/09/2025 12:25

I suggest you find help for the actual issues you are struggling with. You know this has nothing to do with your daughter and nursery.

This.

You’ve outlined your real issues here: “Im not OK really, I feel crazy and paranoid and terrified of changes.”

Please get help and support to address these, rather than focussing on the symptom of being irrationally worried about the situation with your daughter - something literally no one else will care about.