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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sacked because of a spoon - aibu?

441 replies

SackedByaSpoon · 03/09/2025 11:09

I have been working as a private Housekeeper for several years now for an elderly lady with two sons.

Part of that role was driving her to her medical appointments. She had one early yesterday morning and because the timing was tight, I took my breakfast with me to eat while she was in her appointment. When I got to the house, I realised I'd left my spoon at home and asked her if I could borrow one. She was fine with me taking one to use.

I totally forgot about it in my lunch box and realised last night when I got home and took it out to wash. Popped the spoon through the dishwasher too, and put it in my handbag to return today.

The youngest son was in the house when I got there today and immediately accused me of hiding his mum's watch to see if anyone noticed. (Which is worth a lot of money.) She'd worn it to her appointment and back home so I knew it was somewhere, and found it quite quickly in her bedroom on the floor between her bed and bedside table. (Son has in the past "joked" about me using up his inheritance by working there)

I just want to be absolutely clear here - I have never taken a single thing from this house that wasn't given directly to me like small gifts for birthday and Christmas. I could probably have made hundreds in the time I've been there by taking random "lost" coins and small notes but I always put them into the tray, with notes going under a magnet on the fridge. I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable.

With the watch found, I went to start my normal jobs - I always take my rings off and put them in my purse. Went to do that and realised the spoon was in my bag so went to put it back (it was in a food bag, not swimming around in my handbag naked)

Son went absolutely mental, to the point he frightened me, screaming and shouting about how I'm trying to steal stuff and I can't be trusted. Eileen (not her real name) was frightened too, and crying and I was doing my best to calm the situation because I was quite honest properly scared. He's a big man and the house is on its own in acres of grounds.

He told me to get out, that he doesn't want to see me again and that I'm a nasty scrounger trying to rob his mum. I left over an hour ago and I'm still incredibly shaken by the entire thing... I've never been spoken to like that before, not once, and I keep thinking about him storming towards me and being so angry.

I have no idea what to do next... I don't know if I should go back tomorrow or what to do.

OP posts:
Petitchat · 03/09/2025 17:46

Clearoutthecrap · 03/09/2025 11:23

“I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable”

Rather strange wording here. You don’t say you have never taken something, just that you have never been accused of it, Have you ever taken anything?

There's always one.....

BuildbyNumbere · 03/09/2025 17:52

Seek legal advice as if you are under a contract you cannot be sacked like that.
You can also report to SS if you have concerns about her welfare and I would also report to 101 for threatening and abusive behaviour towards you. This wouldn’t be acceptable in an office, so why in a home, your place of work.

MyDeftHedgehog · 03/09/2025 17:53

Speak to adult social care and also a solicitor regarding your employment

FeetLikeFlippers · 03/09/2025 17:57

Clearoutthecrap · 03/09/2025 11:23

“I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable”

Rather strange wording here. You don’t say you have never taken something, just that you have never been accused of it, Have you ever taken anything?

🤣🤣🤣

Tootietoots · 03/09/2025 18:08

That’s awful Im so sorry. We had live in carers for mum who had dementia. We put valuables ( bits of silver, expensivish jewelry ) away before they started not because of trust but for the carer’s sake because things do get mislaid / lost and we didn’t them to worry if that happened. They were always scrupulous about everything and were such a help. I wouldnt have cared about a spoon or even noticed it. How nasty of the son.

Hairshare · 03/09/2025 18:09

SackedByaSpoon · 03/09/2025 11:37

I think my plan is

  • contact the other son and tell him what happened so he can check on them both
  • make a report to adult social services
  • contact acas and ask them for advice
  • figure out if I want to go back and a safe way to do that, if there is one.

Does that sound reasonable? I've never experienced anything like this and it has properly shaken me.

Edited

It sounds sensible to me.
Two people need protection here - you and Eileen. You mustn't go back if you're scared or even apprehensive, and you deserve an accurate reference and a notice period or severance pay at the very least, if you decide to leave.
And you need to make sure that Eileen isn't being bullied by her son(s). This 'spending my inheritance' line is not always a joke; it gets used on here quite seriously sometimes by adult children who can't grasp that an inheritance is something you receive after the person concerned has died, not something that is yours by right when they are still alive. Eileen's son may be limiting the things she spends her own money on, including by getting rid of a paid helper she likes and trusts in order to keep that money for himself later. Which is appalling.

JustSawJohnny · 03/09/2025 18:12

You need to speak to SS, for sure.

The way he's acting is absolutely elder abuse.

It sounds like his Mum is afraid of him and he is clearly trying to stop her getting the help she needs because he sees money she spends as being his.

Make sure you speak up for yourself here. Don't let him make false accusations that could taint your reputation.

Bathingforest · 03/09/2025 18:16

ZenNudist · 03/09/2025 11:17

Also YY to reporting to adult social services. Elder abuse us real. Poor Eileen.

I would do this. He is mentioning inheritance, she probably is already coerced signing things away

Sophabulous · 03/09/2025 18:19

Evenstar · 03/09/2025 11:12

I would leave, but report a safeguarding concern to Adult Social Services as I think the elderly lady is extremely vulnerable and at risk of financial abuse and coercive control.

100% agree with this. I don’t see any way this can end well for the poor lady and I’m sorry you’ve been collateral damage. He sounds very nefarious to say the least.

Also worth speaking to ACAS, assuming you had a contract etc?

SnugglyJumpersMakeItBetter · 03/09/2025 18:20

I'm so sorry OP, what a horrible feeling! I got accused of stealing at work once - I was the nanny, and they thought I'd taken the little boy's toy cars! And before you ask @Clearoutthecrap Um, no, funnily enough I hadn't...

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/09/2025 18:32

It sounds like his Mum is afraid of him and he is clearly trying to stop her getting the help she needs because he sees money she spends as being his

Though we can't actually know I agree that's possible, JustSawJohnny

I used to do some volunteer visiting for a senior lady, and when she had a fall and I suggested contacting her son the tearful resistance and "I musn't bother him" was quite disturbing to witness

Realising the impossible position this placed me in and that I could be in line for his blame if I didn't act, I respected her wish not to tell him but also notified social services and then withdrew from visiting ... a shame, but sometimes needs must

MMUmum · 03/09/2025 18:51

Automatic unfair dismissal, even if the reason was right ( and I'm not saying it is) the process is wrong, no investigation, no hearing to allow you to put your side, find a good employment lawyer, not just for loss of earjings but to protect your professional reputation

MikeRafone · 03/09/2025 18:52

Didn't we have a very similar post like this before...

Shinyandnew1 · 03/09/2025 18:53

The oldest son is a really good guy and though I've only met him a few times, we have got along really well. He's traveling back to check on his mum (lives a few hours away).

Did you tell him what had happened? What did he say?

Tootietoots · 03/09/2025 18:57

SnugglyJumpersMakeItBetter · 03/09/2025 18:20

I'm so sorry OP, what a horrible feeling! I got accused of stealing at work once - I was the nanny, and they thought I'd taken the little boy's toy cars! And before you ask @Clearoutthecrap Um, no, funnily enough I hadn't...

Awful. Its like going back a100 years. Something goes missing and the paid help gets the blame.

Truffleshuffle84 · 03/09/2025 18:58

Absolutely unbelievable. My aunt was coerced and scammed by her own overbearing son. I'm glad you've decided to take control of this OP

PotatoLove · 03/09/2025 19:04

I'm sorry OP. He sounds like he resents the money his DM is paying for your care and took this silly spoon thing as an excuse.

soupyspoon · 03/09/2025 19:06

Clearoutthecrap · 03/09/2025 11:23

“I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable”

Rather strange wording here. You don’t say you have never taken something, just that you have never been accused of it, Have you ever taken anything?

Whaaat!!!!

Snidey accusation. Nothing strange about that wording.

soupyspoon · 03/09/2025 19:07

PeopleWatching17 · 03/09/2025 17:40

Ffs. I’ve never been accused of murder. Oddly, I haven’t done it.

Edited
Show quote history

Are you sure though?

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 03/09/2025 19:27

Clearoutthecrap · 03/09/2025 11:23

“I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable”

Rather strange wording here. You don’t say you have never taken something, just that you have never been accused of it, Have you ever taken anything?

If you read Op's opening statement she quite clearly answers your question? Are you the son?

Poodlelove · 03/09/2025 19:44

I would go back , you haven't done anything wrong , the lady that you care for will also be very upset and I am sure that she would like you to speak to her, so you can explain.

WalkDontWalk · 03/09/2025 19:48

Clearoutthecrap · 03/09/2025 11:23

“I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable”

Rather strange wording here. You don’t say you have never taken something, just that you have never been accused of it, Have you ever taken anything?

....thank you, Miss fuckin Marple.

cumbriaisbest · 03/09/2025 19:55

crackofdoom · 03/09/2025 11:11

I wouldn't go back. Are you owed money? I feel for Eileen too, but I don't know how you can help her.

He sounds dangerous.

Lucelady · 03/09/2025 19:56

A stainless steel spoon is worth a £1 and that would need to be Viners, Mellor etc.

I think this is abuse.
I'd go in tomorrow but not intend to stay .

WeNeedToTalkAboutIT · 03/09/2025 19:57

Evenstar · 03/09/2025 11:12

I would leave, but report a safeguarding concern to Adult Social Services as I think the elderly lady is extremely vulnerable and at risk of financial abuse and coercive control.

this, 100%.

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