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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sacked because of a spoon - aibu?

441 replies

SackedByaSpoon · 03/09/2025 11:09

I have been working as a private Housekeeper for several years now for an elderly lady with two sons.

Part of that role was driving her to her medical appointments. She had one early yesterday morning and because the timing was tight, I took my breakfast with me to eat while she was in her appointment. When I got to the house, I realised I'd left my spoon at home and asked her if I could borrow one. She was fine with me taking one to use.

I totally forgot about it in my lunch box and realised last night when I got home and took it out to wash. Popped the spoon through the dishwasher too, and put it in my handbag to return today.

The youngest son was in the house when I got there today and immediately accused me of hiding his mum's watch to see if anyone noticed. (Which is worth a lot of money.) She'd worn it to her appointment and back home so I knew it was somewhere, and found it quite quickly in her bedroom on the floor between her bed and bedside table. (Son has in the past "joked" about me using up his inheritance by working there)

I just want to be absolutely clear here - I have never taken a single thing from this house that wasn't given directly to me like small gifts for birthday and Christmas. I could probably have made hundreds in the time I've been there by taking random "lost" coins and small notes but I always put them into the tray, with notes going under a magnet on the fridge. I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable.

With the watch found, I went to start my normal jobs - I always take my rings off and put them in my purse. Went to do that and realised the spoon was in my bag so went to put it back (it was in a food bag, not swimming around in my handbag naked)

Son went absolutely mental, to the point he frightened me, screaming and shouting about how I'm trying to steal stuff and I can't be trusted. Eileen (not her real name) was frightened too, and crying and I was doing my best to calm the situation because I was quite honest properly scared. He's a big man and the house is on its own in acres of grounds.

He told me to get out, that he doesn't want to see me again and that I'm a nasty scrounger trying to rob his mum. I left over an hour ago and I'm still incredibly shaken by the entire thing... I've never been spoken to like that before, not once, and I keep thinking about him storming towards me and being so angry.

I have no idea what to do next... I don't know if I should go back tomorrow or what to do.

OP posts:
Namechange7282829 · 03/09/2025 19:57

Son sounds like one of those awful money grabbing types that’s counting down the days til he gets his inheritance and sees every penny his mum spends as less money for him. No idea what you earn but if it’s, say, 30k he doesn’t see it as mum spending her money on something of benefit to her, he sees it as 30k a year coming out of his own pockets and feels aggrieved by it. I guarantee he’s been eagerly awaiting an opportunity to “catch” you doing something wrong so you’ll be sacked and he can sleep soundly knowing that money is now staying firmly in “his” bank! Awful.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 03/09/2025 20:01

I’m so sorry you’ve been through that, how awful for you. I think it might be worth reporting to the police. Partly because his behaviour was abusive and it’s good to have it recorded at the time in case there’s a repeat incident. Partly because if he goes on the accuse you of stealing something else you’ve got your story on record first.

fedup078 · 03/09/2025 20:02

Look at it this way op. He’s clearly been trying to find an excuse to get rid of you after the inheritance comment. The fact that he’s resorted to this absolute bullshit excuse over a spoon shows what a good job you must have been doing . He’s clearly an arsehole so don’t take this personally .

hotelinfo · 03/09/2025 20:06

This is absolutely awful OP and I'm so sorry this happened to you. Does the son have mental health issues? His reaction is bizarre.

Confusedmeanderings · 03/09/2025 20:15

What a horrible man. I hope the other son can resolve this so that you feel safe to return.

Steeleydan · 03/09/2025 20:19

SackedByaSpoon · 03/09/2025 11:09

I have been working as a private Housekeeper for several years now for an elderly lady with two sons.

Part of that role was driving her to her medical appointments. She had one early yesterday morning and because the timing was tight, I took my breakfast with me to eat while she was in her appointment. When I got to the house, I realised I'd left my spoon at home and asked her if I could borrow one. She was fine with me taking one to use.

I totally forgot about it in my lunch box and realised last night when I got home and took it out to wash. Popped the spoon through the dishwasher too, and put it in my handbag to return today.

The youngest son was in the house when I got there today and immediately accused me of hiding his mum's watch to see if anyone noticed. (Which is worth a lot of money.) She'd worn it to her appointment and back home so I knew it was somewhere, and found it quite quickly in her bedroom on the floor between her bed and bedside table. (Son has in the past "joked" about me using up his inheritance by working there)

I just want to be absolutely clear here - I have never taken a single thing from this house that wasn't given directly to me like small gifts for birthday and Christmas. I could probably have made hundreds in the time I've been there by taking random "lost" coins and small notes but I always put them into the tray, with notes going under a magnet on the fridge. I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable.

With the watch found, I went to start my normal jobs - I always take my rings off and put them in my purse. Went to do that and realised the spoon was in my bag so went to put it back (it was in a food bag, not swimming around in my handbag naked)

Son went absolutely mental, to the point he frightened me, screaming and shouting about how I'm trying to steal stuff and I can't be trusted. Eileen (not her real name) was frightened too, and crying and I was doing my best to calm the situation because I was quite honest properly scared. He's a big man and the house is on its own in acres of grounds.

He told me to get out, that he doesn't want to see me again and that I'm a nasty scrounger trying to rob his mum. I left over an hour ago and I'm still incredibly shaken by the entire thing... I've never been spoken to like that before, not once, and I keep thinking about him storming towards me and being so angry.

I have no idea what to do next... I don't know if I should go back tomorrow or what to do.

They can't just sack you, if you've been there over 2 years you have rights, you could take them to a tribunal, ring acas tomorrow for advice. Clearly the son is worried his mum employing you is eating into his inheritance, spoilt brat.
So now he's sacked you,is he going to take over your role xx

CRCGran · 03/09/2025 20:24

Clearoutthecrap · 03/09/2025 11:23

“I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable”

Rather strange wording here. You don’t say you have never taken something, just that you have never been accused of it, Have you ever taken anything?

Oh come on !!! Really???

Papyrophile · 03/09/2025 20:26

I think I am onside with the person you care for @OP. With whom you clearly get on well. Yes, I agree with all the HR people who say it is not his position to dismiss you.

mrstrickland · 03/09/2025 20:28

Your plan seems really good. I wouldn't go back to her house until it is confirmed that you are still wanted by Eileen (I am sure you will be!) but I agree with others that you want absolute assurance that her son will not be. It is unacceptable for him to threaten and explode at you like that even if you had stolen the ruddy spoon.
(its a good reminder for me to go through my cutlery drawer and take back all the items I keep taking home from office to clean and forget to take back! Talk about him making a big deal out of nothing)

hypnovic · 03/09/2025 20:31

Report to police before he can accuse you and tell them he is threatening and you have concerns for her saftey also call social services to assess her care needs

Steeleydan · 03/09/2025 20:44

user1492757084 · 03/09/2025 13:12

Very good idea to contact other son.
Everything out in the open is best.
Tell him the other three things you are planning to do also.

Whilst I totally agree, ringing other son, plus asking Eileen if she wants you there....however blood is thicker than water, and the old lady will be coehersed (sp!) By her sons. I wouldn't be suprised if the nasty son purposely moved the watch to make it look like you'd taken it, he sounds a piece of work

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/09/2025 21:12

Poodlelove · 03/09/2025 19:44

I would go back , you haven't done anything wrong , the lady that you care for will also be very upset and I am sure that she would like you to speak to her, so you can explain.

Call me dense, but rather than OP "explaining", shouldn't that be coming from the other direction- preferably with an apology for the way she's been treated?

FWIW I've no doubt Eileen is upset, but she's either prepared to stand up to her ghastly son over this or she's not, and in OP's position that's something I'd want to know before making my own decision

Horses7 · 03/09/2025 21:17

Evenstar · 03/09/2025 11:12

I would leave, but report a safeguarding concern to Adult Social Services as I think the elderly lady is extremely vulnerable and at risk of financial abuse and coercive control.

This

Lins77 · 03/09/2025 21:26

Please let us know how it works out for you, OP. It sounds like a horrible situation, and distressing for both you and Eileen.

Daygloboo · 03/09/2025 21:32

SackedByaSpoon · 03/09/2025 11:09

I have been working as a private Housekeeper for several years now for an elderly lady with two sons.

Part of that role was driving her to her medical appointments. She had one early yesterday morning and because the timing was tight, I took my breakfast with me to eat while she was in her appointment. When I got to the house, I realised I'd left my spoon at home and asked her if I could borrow one. She was fine with me taking one to use.

I totally forgot about it in my lunch box and realised last night when I got home and took it out to wash. Popped the spoon through the dishwasher too, and put it in my handbag to return today.

The youngest son was in the house when I got there today and immediately accused me of hiding his mum's watch to see if anyone noticed. (Which is worth a lot of money.) She'd worn it to her appointment and back home so I knew it was somewhere, and found it quite quickly in her bedroom on the floor between her bed and bedside table. (Son has in the past "joked" about me using up his inheritance by working there)

I just want to be absolutely clear here - I have never taken a single thing from this house that wasn't given directly to me like small gifts for birthday and Christmas. I could probably have made hundreds in the time I've been there by taking random "lost" coins and small notes but I always put them into the tray, with notes going under a magnet on the fridge. I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable.

With the watch found, I went to start my normal jobs - I always take my rings off and put them in my purse. Went to do that and realised the spoon was in my bag so went to put it back (it was in a food bag, not swimming around in my handbag naked)

Son went absolutely mental, to the point he frightened me, screaming and shouting about how I'm trying to steal stuff and I can't be trusted. Eileen (not her real name) was frightened too, and crying and I was doing my best to calm the situation because I was quite honest properly scared. He's a big man and the house is on its own in acres of grounds.

He told me to get out, that he doesn't want to see me again and that I'm a nasty scrounger trying to rob his mum. I left over an hour ago and I'm still incredibly shaken by the entire thing... I've never been spoken to like that before, not once, and I keep thinking about him storming towards me and being so angry.

I have no idea what to do next... I don't know if I should go back tomorrow or what to do.

Im.so.sorry..Im sure its the inheritance. I'd look for another job but maybe tell someone just to make sure he isn't going to financially abuse his mother. I dont know if it would be right or possible to tell social services?? But if you truly are innocent and the woman.was.crying and upset and didn't want you sacked then I think thst may be abuse on hid part.

Daygloboo · 03/09/2025 21:36

Daygloboo · 03/09/2025 21:32

Im.so.sorry..Im sure its the inheritance. I'd look for another job but maybe tell someone just to make sure he isn't going to financially abuse his mother. I dont know if it would be right or possible to tell social services?? But if you truly are innocent and the woman.was.crying and upset and didn't want you sacked then I think thst may be abuse on hid part.

Show quote history

I once did a temporary agency cleaning job when I was young for some very ' posh ' people in a swanky part of London. The first time Iwent it was OK. Then they asked me back for a second time and accused me of stealing a bottle of milk rhe first time. Those kinds of people can be a bit weird. Accusing the staff of stealing is a common behaviour I think with people like that. A weird need ro assert authority.

saraclara · 03/09/2025 21:40

Eileen is your employer. Your contract is with her. Her son cannot sack you, and if Eileen relies on you, you need to go in tomorrow, even if you then decide to resign. Hopefully the other son will be there?

ChilledBeez · 03/09/2025 21:44

There's always one 🙄

Thehappygardener · 03/09/2025 21:48

The son who screamed at you seems overly concerned with ‘his inheritance’ I think, and his comment wasn’t a joke, I’m afraid.

A friends father died recently after an illness of several years, sadly her brother had been very worried about spending ‘the inheritance’ on care workers. So he made himself, and others in the family, depressed and miserable by caring for his fragile but somewhat demanding father.

Care workers would have done a better job for a fraction of the money which eventually went in death duties.

In fact, depending on the value of the house and savings money in the bank, up to 40% of the sons ‘inheritance’ will go in tax. Much, much better for your employer to get some good help from what is ‘her’ money, not her son’s, and get paid care in while she needs it.

And you sound fabulous, do hope that this all resolves well.

🌷

FancyHelper · 03/09/2025 21:58

A spoon? This is all about a spoon? How ridiculous

penfoldanddangermouse · 03/09/2025 22:08

Evenstar · 03/09/2025 11:12

I would leave, but report a safeguarding concern to Adult Social Services as I think the elderly lady is extremely vulnerable and at risk of financial abuse and coercive control.

THIS

Wouldn't be surprised if the prick is projecting and stealing from her himself, poor woman.

Conkersinautumn · 03/09/2025 22:18

I've worked in caring for various people, including one particular elderly lady. Fortunately I was with a company and a different dynamic with the son being involved thinh, but a complex mother/ son/ tension over the 'need' for support. I wasn't even directly accused but as my integrity was questioned I requested my manager sit down with the son to reflect on whether the support was working out. Because these relationships ARE ones of trust, we go in to work in someone's home, so we are going to NEED trust to do our role. A lack of trust is a major sticking point. Rapport is damaged. Unfortunately when someone IS vulnerable in someway that's hard to come back from, because the reliance needs trust at a deep.level. I'm sorry to say that with the dynamic between family/ Eileen and such an intimidating and threatening man I personally could not work for Eileen (no matter how.lovely). Because you can't guarantee he won't be there, Eileen is now in an awkward situation, she probably enjoys your support and company, but her son has thrown in this huge spanner of doubt and fear for both of you. Yes if you are aware of a social worker who is involved a quiet report about his intimidating (if defensive) behaviour and its impact on his mother. Unfortunately many relatives are obsessed with ££, but it always sets of alarms for me when a relative brings it up time and again.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 03/09/2025 22:46

Hopefully Eileen will write this nasty excuse of a man out of her Will. That'll sicken him.

Daygloboo · 03/09/2025 23:57

penfoldanddangermouse · 03/09/2025 22:08

THIS

Wouldn't be surprised if the prick is projecting and stealing from her himself, poor woman.

Show quote history

Yes i agree

Daygloboo · 03/09/2025 23:57

BuildbyNumbere · 03/09/2025 17:52

Seek legal advice as if you are under a contract you cannot be sacked like that.
You can also report to SS if you have concerns about her welfare and I would also report to 101 for threatening and abusive behaviour towards you. This wouldn’t be acceptable in an office, so why in a home, your place of work.

Absolutely