Sacked because of a spoon - aibu?

[SackedByaSpoon]

I have been working as a private Housekeeper for several years now for an elderly lady with two sons.

Part of that role was driving her to her medical appointments. She had one early yesterday morning and because the timing was tight, I took my breakfast with me to eat while she was in her appointment. When I got to the house, I realised I'd left my spoon at home and asked her if I could borrow one. She was fine with me taking one to use.

I totally forgot about it in my lunch box and realised last night when I got home and took it out to wash. Popped the spoon through the dishwasher too, and put it in my handbag to return today.

The youngest son was in the house when I got there today and immediately accused me of hiding his mum's watch to see if anyone noticed. (Which is worth a lot of money.) She'd worn it to her appointment and back home so I knew it was somewhere, and found it quite quickly in her bedroom on the floor between her bed and bedside table. (Son has in the past "joked" about me using up his inheritance by working there)

I just want to be absolutely clear here - I have never taken a single thing from this house that wasn't given directly to me like small gifts for birthday and Christmas. I could probably have made hundreds in the time I've been there by taking random "lost" coins and small notes but I always put them into the tray, with notes going under a magnet on the fridge. I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable.

With the watch found, I went to start my normal jobs - I always take my rings off and put them in my purse. Went to do that and realised the spoon was in my bag so went to put it back (it was in a food bag, not swimming around in my handbag naked)

Son went absolutely mental, to the point he frightened me, screaming and shouting about how I'm trying to steal stuff and I can't be trusted. Eileen (not her real name) was frightened too, and crying and I was doing my best to calm the situation because I was quite honest properly scared. He's a big man and the house is on its own in acres of grounds.

He told me to get out, that he doesn't want to see me again and that I'm a nasty scrounger trying to rob his mum. I left over an hour ago and I'm still incredibly shaken by the entire thing... I've never been spoken to like that before, not once, and I keep thinking about him storming towards me and being so angry.

I have no idea what to do next... I don't know if I should go back tomorrow or what to do.

Not just judgemental - downright weird, illogical and bordering on the paranoid.

That sounds extremely wise, balanced and fair. The best courses of action in the circumstances. Very best wishes to you. x

Good luck, Op.

Unfair dismissal ?
Do you have a contract? Or do you work with an agency
Could it be considered a verbally abusive assault…..I would personally want to get him back for this, how dare he speak to you like that!

Very reasonable, if you do go back part of the agreement should be that her son never communicated with you again

your response sounds judgemental, downright weird, illogical and bordering on the paranoid.

You sound like exactly the help and support Eileen needs.
But it does look like her son has made up his mind to get you out. He'll have his own reasons but likely something to do with property or inheritance. The sad reality is that if he doesn't succeed this time, he will in the future, because it is almost inevitable that Eileen will take his side if he forces her to choose. That's not a reflection on you, your relationship, or him. It's that elderly mothers find it impossible to alienate their children. He will work on her until she agrees you had better go (whether she likes it or not).
I'm sorry, this is so unfair. It takes a lot of character for adult children to trust or welcome a relationship between elderly parents and their carers when money could be at stake. And this son doesn't appear to have a load of character to start with.
My advice would be to flag the unacceptable conduct and ask for three months pay in lieu of notice, and a good reference. Then find another position.

OP, your plan sounds really sensible. I hope it works out for you. What a horrible position fur you to be in.

Sadly no good deed goes unpunished, as they say. When you are involved with an older and vulnerable person relatives can become a pain in the ass. Do you have any personal effects you need to collect? I would not go back to the house unless you have someone who can go with you and advocate, Possibly a male relative in case the intimidating son is there.

Back during covid I did "ring and chat" to several clients whom I would call at set times. I never knew their address nor they mine. Those were the rules. I became very close with one lady whom I will call Anne. We had a lot in common such as our love of antiques. Ann was obviously from a cultured background and like myself she spoke "recieved" English. This is relevent.

One day when I called a female with a very rough regional accent answered. She rudely accused me of pestering her "mother" and told me not to call again. She would not allow me to speak to Anne and hung up on me. I tried several times later that evening and the following day to contact Anne but the phone was unanswered. I reported the incident to the charity who arranged the contacts. They told me they would send a worker to investigate and advised me not to call until they authorised. Later I was told that social services had become involved but they could not give me details because of confidentiality. I can only assume there was a potential safeguarding or abuse issue as I was never able to speak to Anne again.

Personally I do not believe the rude woman I spoke to could have been Anne's daughter. She had never mentioned a daughter in our chats about family - only a son who lived in Scotland. I would have expected any genuine daughter of Anne to speak as she did and not be be foul mouthed and abusive.

It sounds like he was disappointed when you were able to show you hadn't hidden Eileen's watch so delightedly flew off the handle when you produced the spoon. What an awful man and I'm sorry for you and Eileen.

Is the son your employer?

I would write a letter/email to my employer, with the title "Greivance" ... stating the facts as they occurred (when, where, who, what) and advise that I consider the actions of x to amount to harassment and constructive dismissal, given that I am very much afraid to return to work due to fear for my personal safety.

I would further advise that I will be submitting an ET1 to the courts in this respect unless there is a speedy and satisfactory resolution. (And I would do so).

Keep a copy of the letter/email.

If they've dismissed you (unfairly) then they owe you your notice pay as well as any holiday pay owed.

Hope it all turns out OK for you.

Whatever is agreed with Eileen, who is going to police whether the mad son is there or not when you are? Your safety is the most important thing here, so whatever you do about constructive dismissal proceedings and/or reporting his behaviour, I’d advise you not to go back.

I think maybe he has other ideas for her care, or someone else in mind for your job, a friend or relative. Sometimes people bully others out because they don't want to pay redundancy.

Sounds like he is more worried about his inheritance than his mother’s care. Speak to ACAS/Social services and don’t go back.

Oh no. Sounds like he wanted to get you out so that he can abuse her financially. I would explain everything to ss so that they have her in their sights. This is so horrible. You can just sense the danger she is in.

No, the rude person is you.

Everyone 'actually' read what you said. It"s very arrogant of you to suggest that the dozens that have critically replied to you all have reading comprehension failure. Unless you really thought she might reply "Yes of course I've pinched lots of stuff but not this time", it was a useless and insulting question.

Sounds like a good plan, OP. Hope it works out for you and the brute is put in his place.

Always one🙄

Yes, of course go back - and if he says anything point out that Eileen is your employer and you will only discuss your employment with her. Horrible man.

We all read your post, and understood it perfectly well. People have a problem with you quibbling about the 'wording' when it's crystal clear to anyone with a bit of common sense, and understanding of the rest of the OP's post, and the context, what she meant.

Her son doesn’t have the right to fire you.

If you want to keep the job, I’d just speak to Eileen and tell her you will continue to work as long as he is never visiting when you’re there. It sounds like you get on well with her so I can’t imagine she will want to find someone to replace you.

I would have left at the moment he told you to get out and make a note in my phone- left work at X time after X shouted, accused me stealing and told me to get out of X’s house.

What did oldest other son say when you told him what happened ?

How awful. I am thinking that he wanted to make you leave based on his previous comments and the one about his inheritance. Perhaps do report it to adult safeguarding to protect the lady.

Ffs. I’ve never been accused of murder. Oddly, I haven’t done it.