Parents Begging Their Children… What Happened to Parenting?

[Katherina198819]

Every time I’m out with my children- playgrounds, shops, playgroups, nursery pick-ups- I see it: parents begging their kids. A 3-year-old is playing happily in the sand, having the time of their life. The parent comes over and says, “Would you like to go?” Of course the child shouts “No!”—why wouldn’t they? They want to stay. The parent keeps pleading: “Please, let’s go… Would you like to put on your shoes?” The child gets frustrated; why would they want to put on shoes if they don’t want to leave? It goes on for 15 minutes, sometimes longer, until the child is finally dragged away screaming.

This isn’t a one-off: I see it constantly. We’ve entered a world where parents don’t really parent. They call it “embracing emotions” or “teaching moments”, but in reality, they’re not guiding their kids. Not everything has to be a lesson or an emotional workshop. Sometimes parenting is just about doing, not negotiating.

I think expecting children to make decisions like this sets them up for failure. They don’t understand that you need to go home, cook dinner, or do your tax paperwork; they only know you asked if they wanted to go, and they said no. Parenting isn’t therapy. Sometimes it’s just guidance, plain and simple.

Sorry I hadn't seen this before I posted

Well, they’ve been saying that the younger generation have been pampered and pandered to for centuries. Every generation of parents is lambasted for how they raised their kids too soft and as yet the only thing that is widely agreed on is that being “hard” on kids and the various forms that has taken across different generations is what is considered abusive.

I know, right?
Got to make sure we point out how much better parenting was in the old days compared to us useless parents of today.

Not enough canes being used, obviously.
How shameful!

🙄🙄🙄

Can we try and remember that children take a very long time to develop and learn and that they have very poor impulse control. Sometimes what they do is just in line with where they are as developing human beings. Trying do what they want when they want is normal. Pushing back is normal. Parents don't always strike on the exact right response at the exact right time, it's normally a process, a long learning process for both the child and the parent. That includes 'manners'.

You could very easily have removed the presents from her. You made a choice and blamed the kid.

The nursery you chose lets it happen, why would you think this is somewhere good for your child?

Ask her to please get down so others can have a turn. If she doesn’t do so, tell her to get down right now or we’ll be going home. If she has respect for you because she knows there will be a consequence. Obviously there are exceptions, but if you’re firm, fair and consistent, most children will do what they’re told.

I’m far from a perfect parent btw, but I’ve seen the damage wishy washy parenting does to children.

My DC were both angels until 4. At those ages parenting is easy, they are portable, they have little input, they accept the 'because I said so'. When your simplistic approach stops working in the next couple of years, gentle parenting with firm boundaries and simple, clear explanations may really benefit your children and the relationship you develop with them.

I haven't seen anyone say parents should be 'hard' on children. Why did you mention abuse?

The suggestion that ineffectual parenting can result in an autism diagnosis is insulting (obviously).

The fact that you don’t see any possibility of parenting between physical harm and no discipline exactly proves my point.

My child is attending at this nursery over two years now. She loves it and has loads of friends.Regarding the child I mentioned: it’s not like the nursery doesn’t try to address the issues or take action. I witnessed at pick-up how they told the mother that her child was hitting and biting, and that he might not be able to stay much longer. And what was the parent’s response? “Oh darling, did someone hurt you? Is that why you did it?”So here’s a mother not taking responsibility for her child’s actions, yet somehow I’m in the wrong for having my child at this nursery?

I agree with this (to a point)

Years ago,my nephew was badly behaved for his parents

It was a combination of he was a boy (they'd wanted girls) they couldn't be bothered with him and the was the fall out boy who took the blame for everything that went wrong but his sister couldn't do any wrong

They'd just snarled at him and didn't teach him the rules of life-the only time he got attention was when they where smacking him for being naughty

They tried to have him tested for adhd (and got nowhere as he wasnt)

(He's now a lovely adult,who's nc with his parents

Fast forward and I work with two sets of parents who are exactly the same

One walked up to me and punched me-the parents just said 'pack it in' and went back to their phones (she laughed and tried again)

Another had their child running riot and just sat there wetly saying "get back here' and then ignored him (which was bloody dangerous as others where walking round with hot food/drinks)

They are trying to have him tested for autism

In both cases it's bloody insulting to the parents of the children who do have sn and genuinely need the help and support that comes with it without these wet parents who can't be arsed and want their child labelled so they have an excuse to parent even less

I agree. We have a pool where you have a lane for half an hour then you get out. Sooo many parents without the authority to remove their kids when the time is up. Wheedling and begging. Pathetic to watch. We did what we were told as did our kids.

But as you've said, they got nowhere as he wasn't ND, so the PP is wrong. To be clear you do not get DLA for a ND diagnosis and the disability benefits that parents of disabled DC do get don't come anywhere close to the loss in earnings from having to completely upend their life to care for a disabled child.

Mine at 16, 18 and 20 - eldest diagosed inattentive ADHA - dyslexia and dyspraxia- 18 year old - very likley will be similar - when we finally can access a disgaonis processes.

I think the OP has a good point - this style of ineffective parenting is exhausting for parents tend to make unhappy kids and can be disruptive for other out in public.

Mine haven't been portable for years now so have relied on clear simple firm instructions the very thing OP is saying this parent in example wasn't giving and should have been.

It would make life a lot easier for the children at school and in later life if they learnt to comply with polite requests, such as 'Everyone face the front and stop talking please!' Or 'Could you finish this by lunchtime, please?' Not a choice, an instruction.

I have seen this - "Can you please get in the buggy now?" repeated at intervals while the child paid no attention whatsoever.

I think this often happens if you have had a very compliant toddler/baby who suddenly becomes a "threenager" who realises they can say no keep doing what they want.

My DS is 3 and is not (and has never been) particularly compliant or easy to parent, so I have a range of these strategies to use and it has been hard, hard work.

None of them are effective all the time (I have bunged him, resisting furiously into the buggy a variety of times when younger). None of them are a magic bullet that lead your child to instantly comply. And following through with leaving when you have said it is time to leave (after the 2 minute warning etc), is the most important bit in making it work - the timers etc are about making it easier, not eliminating the fuss altogether.

The parent is phrasing it wrong. It's not like 'would you like to?'. it's 'we're going now'. I used to give time warnings as well - in 5 mins we're going to go etc. Even if we were at someone's house they'd be - right we're going in 15 mins so finish off your game, or whatever.

Honestly, it really isn’t rocket science is it!

There is a middle ground between abusive and wet lettuce.

That’s true: I’m not there yet.
I’ve noticed this begging pattern mostly with 2- to 4-year-olds.

I think once they get older, these parents often give up. Try negotiating with an 8 year old: I guess they’ll just shrug and walk away. That’s what happens when kids learn early that they can say no and get their way.

There always seems to be these threads nowadays.

Just lots of posters talking about how they are superior brilliant parents with firm boundaries and 90% of other parents are lazy and ‘can’t be bothered to parent’

Even the thread recently about French parenting allegedly being superior, most of the replies were along the lines of ‘Yes French parenting is much better than how British parents raise their children. Except me of course. I parent like the French’

I actually agree with OP - too many parents don't know how or don't want to set sensible boundaries for their children. If SEN are present, then of course the boundaries might look different, but they still need to exist in some form.

Yes I’ve seen similar. Very depressing. Mine got one warning, and then we were off. By making sure they knew I meant business when they were 2/3/4 I didn’t have problems when they were 8/9/10.

Wet lettuce! This made me laugh! A perfect metaphor for this parenting style: limp, soggy, and entirely ineffective at holding anything together.