Parents Begging Their Children… What Happened to Parenting?

[Katherina198819]

Every time I’m out with my children- playgrounds, shops, playgroups, nursery pick-ups- I see it: parents begging their kids. A 3-year-old is playing happily in the sand, having the time of their life. The parent comes over and says, “Would you like to go?” Of course the child shouts “No!”—why wouldn’t they? They want to stay. The parent keeps pleading: “Please, let’s go… Would you like to put on your shoes?” The child gets frustrated; why would they want to put on shoes if they don’t want to leave? It goes on for 15 minutes, sometimes longer, until the child is finally dragged away screaming.

This isn’t a one-off: I see it constantly. We’ve entered a world where parents don’t really parent. They call it “embracing emotions” or “teaching moments”, but in reality, they’re not guiding their kids. Not everything has to be a lesson or an emotional workshop. Sometimes parenting is just about doing, not negotiating.

I think expecting children to make decisions like this sets them up for failure. They don’t understand that you need to go home, cook dinner, or do your tax paperwork; they only know you asked if they wanted to go, and they said no. Parenting isn’t therapy. Sometimes it’s just guidance, plain and simple.

I used to lead an outdoor activity for Reception age children. They came to us for half a term, once a week, and before we ran the programme we'd go to school and hold a meeting for parents, explaining the safety rules with regard to clothing particularly. Children had to wear long sleeves and long trousers to protect them from nettle stings and scratches. We had spare clothing and waterproofs, obvs. The children would be outside in (pretty much) all weathers for 2 hours except for a toilet trip.

We'd still get the odd child who came in shorts and a vest top. When we spoke to one parent, their excuse was 'She didn't want to wear those things - she prefers shorts'. We gently but firmly explained the clothing rules and the reason for them. The older lady (very competent outdoor education background) who was my volunteer helper was having none of this nonsense and said 'Who's the parent? Tell her she either puts on the right clothes or she can't do the activity!' I'm glad she said that and not me! But I agree with her.

Fine for the child to not to the session, but not fine to flout rules which are put in place for her safety just on a whim. (She'd worn the right clothes many times - it was clearly a preference/whim only).

Completely agree

It's like Lord of the Flies. The kids are in charge.

Children need boundaries and expectations. They are small, still learning and need to know that someone else is in charge and taking care of them.

My eldest has SEN and countdown style 3 2 1 parenting never ever worked with that child- it would cause stress and alarm. With that child, a brief reminder of what fun thing we are doing next or soon and plenty of praise and positivity are what do work. It's taken a bit of trial and error to get to this point.

I do think we should broadly be tolerant and realise that for every "little shit" who has never been told no (and they do exist), there is another kid who is still learning how to deal with what to them can be huge, ungovernable emotions. It mightn't always be obvious which is which.

What should the parents do? Please educate the modern parents of today?

I was afraid of mine. I rarely played up or I would have been smacked

I agree. I also think this is linked with the very late and protracted toilet training that has become the norm.in recent years. I think parents are asking their partially/newly trained children if they need to go to the toilet. Small children are contrary by nature and no is their favourite word. Five minutes later, there is a puddle on the floor. No choice. "It's time to go to the toilet." If they protest they are told to try. It's time for adults to be adults again and take charge. Parents decide what is going to happen, not the children. Reasoning with small children does not work because they cannot see the probabilities and consequences. This is why gentle parenting does not and cannot work.

How do you teach children what's acceptable or where the lines are that they must not cross, if not by responding with annoyance and imposing a direct and explicitly predicted consequence for behaviour that is not ok?

A child of three is not a babe in arms. On the cusp of heading to school it is doing no favours by letting them get away with completely unacceptable behaviour. A teacher doesnt have time to negotiate with 30 4 year olds about whether they're are going to decide to do something.

How are they to learn where the lines are if they don't see that some things are acceptable to the parent and some are not?

It is perfectly fine to show a 3 or 4 year old by your demeanour that their behaviour has displeased you. They learn by the level of your displeasure that behaviour is along a spectrum ranging from completely acceptable to absolutely not. This is something they need to learn and want to learn. At the same time, it is important to 'catch them' engaging in behaviour you want to encourage and offer praise for the helping, cooperation, sharing, behaving as asked in the supermarket, etc.

What a good few people here are advocating is deferring all instruction in behaviour until a much later age than the truly formative years. Teaching behaviour should start early if it's to be successful. It's very hard to reestablish who is in charge in a home if a child has been given the impression up to age 7 or 8 (or later) that he or she is, and it makes adaptation to the school environment unnecessarily difficult for the child.

You're making a rod for your own back by pleading with a 3 yo to leave the park. You dont ask, you tell them.

The parents are just clueless. They possibly dont want to be like their own parents who bossed them around or shouted at them etc. but dont know how to do it effectively. Parenting is a skill and many parents dont realise its something they need to learn and actively not do what their own parents did.

There is a possibility of parenting that falls between being emotionally and/or physically abusive and simply letting children do whatever they want.

Parenting should focus on what benefits the child, not on what makes the parent feel good. I think too many parents today prioritize pleasing their children over actual parenting. And they constantly say: "my child is my best friend". I my opinion, you shouldn't be a best friend, you should be a parent. Of course, have an amazing relationship, but seeking a three year old as a best friend in one’s late 30s is strange.

I'm all for giving kids choices. But having watched my neighbour spend twenty minutes trying to persuade her seven year old daughter to get into her car seat so she could be taken to nanny's so mum could go to work - complete with increasingly desperate 'I'm going to be so late!' 'Think of the fun you'll have with Nanny!' I found myself thinking 'you HAVE to go to work to pay the bills. Child just fancies staying home all day watching TV. Shove her in the car seat and go!'

They went in the end, but it was twenty minutes of listening to what sounded like hostage negotiations. Child gave in at the end, but will then have had a sense of control over what mum could and couldn't do, and that's not healthy for a seven year old.

I wish I could have intervened, but not my place so I just had to watch and be sympathetic (I was clearing out my car which was why I was watching in the first place).

I was a childcare provider for a decade before I had children, one currently a toddler so I highly doubt it has been pure luck for me.

Your situation was the one mum and the leaders there who didn’t boot her out when she did nothing so unsure what your point is. I said it is rare that I see such things not that I don’t at all.

(sorry for the gif, shouldn’t type in the rain)

Another one who has jumped straight to insinuating that it's either shite parenting or abusive parenting with no middle ground.

I'm so glad I trained as a teacher sometimes, even if the job can be utterly shit.

To me, you tell them to do something, and they're expected to do it. You're the adult, they're the child. You know better, they don't. It's as simple as that.
Expect them to behave, and they will. Ask them to behave, and it's pretty much an invitation for them not to.

Mind ya business for gods sake. Oh and also, get a life. Please

I see this every time during drop-off or pick-up from nursery. One parent keeps chasing her child for like 10 minutes because the poor kid doesn’t want to get into the car. They’re running around the car while she keeps begging and offering things: tablet, sweets, you name it. It’s so bizarre to watch a 3-year-old acting like the boss while the parent is pleading.

(No, I’m not some pervert watching other parents. I pick up two children from different rooms, so I usually end up waiting around 10 minutes.)

I see a bit of this kind of performative, ineffectual parenting but round here it’s in the minority. Most of us are just getting on with it. I do tend to give my 3 year old a five minute warning before we leave something like a sandpit, though. Or say, “We’re going home so you’ve got time to go on one more thing.” Works with no drama, but then my kid is quite compliant by nature.

You see it consistently but is it the same parents? See me one day I’ll look like super mum either because the kids are being great, or because I’ve slept, or I have resolve etc etc. see me others I look like a mess and I don’t have the energy and they know it!!! It reminds me of when I used to shop in Aldi for fruit, veg and meat and I’d meet people and they probably thought what a healthy family we were, had they met me in Tesco they’d call social services- that’s where we went when we were having a party, or for pizzas, sweets, crisps, fizzy drinks!!! You’d judge the hell out of me there!!!

Yes physically moving her would be better for her and definitely for all the other children she was obstructing. We've all had parenting fails when they won't listen and you end up carrying a screaming surfboard out. Endless come on now darling in a soft kind tone only work with some children some of the time. A firm 'stop that' and 'move' should be fairly enforceable by 3/4/5.

Lol this is so true. With discipline, too. I have had mother of the year nominee performances getting an autistic child to refocus and avert disaster. I have been the firm but fair parent with dazzling success. I have also been the out of patience banshee muscling one screaming brat the hell out of there under her arn while dragging another who was screaming "help help I'm being kidnapped."

I guess from this that I offended you because you’re one of those parents. Or maybe you just can’t handle any discussion that doesn’t align with what you believe.
Either way, maybe forums aren’t the best place for you if you can’t handle differing opinions.

Do you just mean with regard to toilet training or overall? I use a lot of gentle parenting. It’s working. I like it precisely because it’s about firm boundaries.

I know what you mean.
There is a cat that likes to hang around the playpark near us. Really patient with my toddler but likes plenty of strokes. When she has had enough attention she walks and sits outside the park under the trees.

I was pushing my wee girl on the swing and this boy about 6/7 decided to go stroke the cat. The cat walked away after a while but the boy followed.

Then then the mum followed with the whole "come on now the cat wants to be left alone" repeated multiple times while the boy followed the cat round the whole perimeter of the park. I was cringing on the inside and i finally said when they were near me. That the cat wants to be left alone now that is why she keeps walking away. Obvs i was ignored too.

Basically turned into the boy chasing the cat which finally swiped at him and he actually looked shocked.

Not doing the kid any favours if you not teaching them to leave animals/ other kids alone when they want to be.

This reminds me of when I was out with my twins on reins and I said ‘Do you want to go to the park or the shop?’

They nearly took my arms off pulling in opposite directions.

I kept to blue bowl or red bowl type choices for a while after that!

I like the idea of gentle parenting; acknowledging their feelings and talking things out and all that. And it would have suited one of my children. Unfortunately while I was being reasonable with that child, the other four would have dismantled the entire house and eaten the dog. Some children are suited to more child centric parenting and others need you to be the Big Bad and just tell them what to do and how to behave. Plus having five kids - there just wasn't the time. I had to say jump and they had to say how high. They seem to have turned out all right.

Know I will be shot down by the gentle parent brigade but I think it’s no bad thing if your child is slightly frightened of you and doesn’t want to piss you off.

YANBU some of them are absolutely pathetic, give it 10 years and they will be on here asking how to stop their kids hitting them and trashing their house.