Parents Begging Their Children… What Happened to Parenting?

[Katherina198819]

Every time I’m out with my children- playgrounds, shops, playgroups, nursery pick-ups- I see it: parents begging their kids. A 3-year-old is playing happily in the sand, having the time of their life. The parent comes over and says, “Would you like to go?” Of course the child shouts “No!”—why wouldn’t they? They want to stay. The parent keeps pleading: “Please, let’s go… Would you like to put on your shoes?” The child gets frustrated; why would they want to put on shoes if they don’t want to leave? It goes on for 15 minutes, sometimes longer, until the child is finally dragged away screaming.

This isn’t a one-off: I see it constantly. We’ve entered a world where parents don’t really parent. They call it “embracing emotions” or “teaching moments”, but in reality, they’re not guiding their kids. Not everything has to be a lesson or an emotional workshop. Sometimes parenting is just about doing, not negotiating.

I think expecting children to make decisions like this sets them up for failure. They don’t understand that you need to go home, cook dinner, or do your tax paperwork; they only know you asked if they wanted to go, and they said no. Parenting isn’t therapy. Sometimes it’s just guidance, plain and simple.

When I was teaching I grew to pity a couple of kids in my class whose parents didn’t believe in boundaries or consequences. They were a pain in class but eventually they became left out of parties and play dates (after they’d caused mayhem at a couple). No one wanted them in their home, but in their parents’ eyes they were never at fault.

Most teachers know lots of them!

Sure, my child barely survived..... Jesus.I guess you haven’t been outside much lately?
My apologies if simply breathing and observing is too much for you. Most mothers manage to multitask just fine.

Yeah. It annoys me too. Nothing wrong with some negotiation ie allowing them five more minutes or one more go on a specific piece of play equipment but the begging and pleading gets to me too. Not much parenting going on these days sadly.

I'm sure many MNers already do their parenting in this same way.

The main strategy and the "outward face", so to speak, of "Gentle Parenting":- always asking; giving reasons; understanding the reactions of the (child) Other; modelling reasonableness, etc.

First as a teacher of 7-11s, then, later, a parent of a "one-and-done", my approach was always via the reasonable request.

However, there were always times when I meant it to be abundantly clear that, tho' out of politeness I framed something as a request, this was (in context) actually a command, and compliance was expected to be understood and followed.

Children need to know and learn this from you.
Expecting instant obedience is highly unreasonable.
So: flags need to be in place, e.g. "OK, Child, you've got 15mins to tidy-up"; "Righto, Kidlet, you've got 10 / 5 mins left"; "It's now, Kiddoes. No more time. Come here. Right now. That's the end.". Etc.
And children really appreciate it.

👍

I agree.

I have been known to use the much maligned phrase " because I said so" a few times in my time.

10 more minutes and where going is all.it needs .
My grandaughter and niece listen and know its time to go .
Any sulks or awwwww are soon over with .

I have no idea what sort of parent I was. I'm quite easy going, one of my rules was don't sweat the small stuff. Food choices (except dinner, I have 5 and I only cook one dinner), clothes choices, they can do. What time we leave somewhere? I decide. I give a warning, then we'd go. No negotiations. Also I used minimum words, not long discussions about why we need shoes etc. I'd just say "shoes" "coat" Kind of like dog training 😂

Maybe part of that is that 2 of mine are autistic so fewer key words means more understanding from them. Oh, and one of them also has adhd. They've never been naughty kids, I didn't get them diagnosed because of bad behaviour and needing an excuse for them to get away with it 🙄 Nor for the benefits (only one of them gets PIP, because as an adult he's still disabled and needs me/a carer with him at all times)

They knew if they were in trouble at school then there was no point expecting sympathy from me - not that it really happened, except for not doing homework.

They're all adults now and seem to have had no problem with my parenting, haven't gone NC, yet. 😁

Exactly. It's so easy to stand back and say how people should deal with their children in the ideal world where everyone is perfect and we all want to parent in the same way. Do we need to keep being reminded that is not the case.

You’re right, it absolutely does my head in. I wouldn’t be able to be like that because I wouldn’t have the patience 😬

I was parenting my real children in 1995 and wasn't dragging them to the pub. If I went there I wanted to be child free

Agree to some extent. I think people think I’m a strict parent when they hear me telling my child (not little) not to talk to me in that tone. I also say I’ll listen and we can talk about whatever issue it is but when he’s not being cheeky. This gets looks sometimes outside the school gates.
I find a lot of parents let more things go. I don’t want to parent like that so don’t. I don’t parent like my mother either though - more talking and some negotiation over some things but I’m still in charge.

I've been working in early years for 22 years, teaching 15 of them. I do see the begging, the pleading, the reneging or instructions, not following things through, giving up on the threatened consequences amd just generally having low expectation of children. These children are always very entitled and have been raised to believe that their needs trump everyone else's.

One such example is the idea that children should not be forced to use manners; rather they should wait until they develop their own concept of gratitude, which they would then wish to organically express. 'Its meaningless to them so why make them say it?' Well its not meaningless to the recipient of the 'Thank you'! I'm fact, that's why it exists! I'm am authoritative parent and teacher, balancing firmness and want my children to be strong, conscientious and caring members of society and instill these values in their children too.

@Darkdiamond

Exactly! Newsflash: life isn’t only about oneself. Showing gratitude isn’t about you - it’s about the other person/people. Why has this become such a difficult concept?

Sometimes I think we’re going backwards…

How long would society or any of us last if we only did the things which are meaningful to us, or which we personally can see the point of?

We need to get kids out of their own heads and thinking of others and the wider world.

Hard agree.

I ultimately think we all have days we do a far less than ideal job of things and we all have days our kids are being a massive pain in the neck but it’s maybe very impractical to just pack up and take them home for various reasons. I’d generally assume someone was having a bad day vs never parenting/ disciplining their kids or that their child had some level of behavioural problems if I saw the kind of behaviour OP is describing.

Unfortunately this is what I have witnessed to. Its very sad and totally avoidable.

Surely if you want to teach your child consent and choice... the worst way you can do it is by asking them whether they want to do something, and then keep insisting until they say yes?

These children will grow up to be an abuser's dream!

I though parents only gave a choice when it was actually a free choice for the child to make, not a hidden request to do what the parent wanted to do all along!

I would point out to the child that others wanted to climb up on the pirate ship and ask her to move and let her consider it for a minute. If she didn’t move, I would physically remove her.

Hahahah the reply is hilarious.
the point is the older child should of already learnt from a younger age how to play in a park, clearly this parent is a ‘you can go up a slide’ kinda parent.
you teach your child from young simple!
my 4yr old wouldn’t block the stairs she’d get a look from me and that’s all it’ll take.

WHAT????

So the man in the airport telling us which line to get in at security- abuser!

The lollipop lady telling the kids to cross the road- abuser!

Hairdresser telling us to sit straight, head down….- abuser.

honestly your comment is as silly as these comments. Quite worrying really.

This

I believe we do. There is no such thing as perfect parenting or a perfect world. But as humans living in society, I think it is extremely important to make sure our children understand this.

Unfortunately, I’ve often witnessed situations where a child misbehaves (in playgroups, bouncy places, etc.), and the parent’s response is: “Oh, are you having big feelings? Are you overwhelmed?” When in reality, the parent simply hasn’t taught the child how to behave.

As a teacher, I see every day how confused many 18-year-olds are. They become overwhelmed by the smallest tasks, struggle to follow deadlines, and often avoid taking responsibility. That’s why we need to keep reminding parents that it is our responsibility to teach our children: not for us, but for them. Otherwise, they will have a much harder time in life, and that is the last thing any good parent would want for their child.

I believe @aurynne is talking about parents who pretend to give choices, for example: “Darling, would you like to go?”—and when the 3-year-old clearly says “no,” they keep begging until the child finally agrees.

I do give choices all the time: “Would you like a banana or an apple?” or “Would you like to wear the pink jacket or the green one?” I give choices when the outcome doesn’t really matter to me. This way, the child feels independent, and I’m teaching them how to make decisions.

However, I never give choices like: “Would you like to go?” If I say we are going, then we are going. Or asking, “What would you like for dinner?”—of course a 3-year-old isn’t going to say, “Organic chicken breast with quinoa and broccoli on the side.” They’re going to say ice cream—as they should, being three years old! So why would I beg them to eat veggie pasta when I can simply put it in front of them?

Like @aurynne said, if you constantly make a child feel like they can make decisions about every single thing, they will eventually become a nightmare. And I agree with that.