Parents Begging Their Children… What Happened to Parenting?

[Katherina198819]

Every time I’m out with my children- playgrounds, shops, playgroups, nursery pick-ups- I see it: parents begging their kids. A 3-year-old is playing happily in the sand, having the time of their life. The parent comes over and says, “Would you like to go?” Of course the child shouts “No!”—why wouldn’t they? They want to stay. The parent keeps pleading: “Please, let’s go… Would you like to put on your shoes?” The child gets frustrated; why would they want to put on shoes if they don’t want to leave? It goes on for 15 minutes, sometimes longer, until the child is finally dragged away screaming.

This isn’t a one-off: I see it constantly. We’ve entered a world where parents don’t really parent. They call it “embracing emotions” or “teaching moments”, but in reality, they’re not guiding their kids. Not everything has to be a lesson or an emotional workshop. Sometimes parenting is just about doing, not negotiating.

I think expecting children to make decisions like this sets them up for failure. They don’t understand that you need to go home, cook dinner, or do your tax paperwork; they only know you asked if they wanted to go, and they said no. Parenting isn’t therapy. Sometimes it’s just guidance, plain and simple.

They did. And surprise, surprise- they diagnosed him with no autism. But of course, she keeps pushing for more referrals, blaming the doctors, the NHS, the government, aliens… literally anyone and anything other than herself. I guess that’s easier than admitting she failed to do her job as a parent

No one can accurately diagnose without an assessment but the OP has worked in a special school and isn't just talking out of her arse, she has some idea in many situations.

She should know better than to make comments like this then.
ETA just seen the child has been professionally assessed, so obviously OP knew the results of that assessment, but didn’t mention them.

In general my earlier comment stands. Masking is very common in autism and a parent knows their child best.

Not one of my comments (or anyone else’s here) claims to be about being the “perfect parent.” We’re talking about discipline. If you think disciplined parenting equals “perfect parenting,” then the bar is very low for you. Just because it’s hard for you to hear that some parents are simply doing the basics of parenting doesn’t mean we’re in the wrong.

What am I getting out of it? Maybe people like you should understand that discussing topics and sharing experiences- even when they don’t align with your beliefs- can still be a positive thing. I’m not really sure what you’re doing on a discussion forum if you get offended by opinions.

You make a really good point about giving a choice when it’s not actually a choice.

I had to learn this recently with my DD who has always responded very differently to my parenting than her older brother. Since she’s 11, I asked her one day why she doesn’t listen to me. She said that sometimes she doesn’t think I”m giving her an instruction as it sounds like I’m just giving her my opinion.
(She did say that there are times when she KNOWS what I”m saying is an instruction but not all the time).

I think it was a fair comment - I would really prefer not to have to instruct and command and be firm, especially as they’re now older. I think I’m hoping that by phrasing things “nicely” or as questions, she’ll learn to make the right decision on her own.

But I can see how it could be confusing to her and so I’m trying to work on how I phrase things.

How is it not your business? Don’t you care what kind of people your child will have to deal with as they grow up? Saying it isn’t your business isn’t going to make you an empathetic or understanding parent. In my opinion, it just makes you ignorant.

Or maybe you do care, but you don’t want to seem confrontational. This is a discussion forum: people share opinions. Just because something doesn’t align with your beliefs doesn’t mean it’s an attack on you.

your thread "What Happened to Parenting?"

clearly means you feel this doesn't apply to you, and you are one of the perfect parents.

Just because it’s hard for you to hear that some parents are simply doing the basics of parenting doesn’t mean we’re in the wrong.

nice little goady sentence, but I don't find anything hard, I find people like you amusing with your need for judgement and superiority. Sadly, I have to deal with kids of parents who believe they are superior, and the reality is that more often than not, it's their kids who are a pain for everybody else around 😂

You know it's possible to disagree without being "offended"? You clearly are being so miffed about my post.

Social services should have been involved with a family who didnt allow their children to leave the house for 4 years.

Experts should have been involved with the family before it got to this stage.

The mother didnt know best in this case. It was not in her children's interests to be under house arrest for 4 years without any underlying health issues making them susceptible to covid complications.

Don’t you care what kind of people your child will have to deal with as they grow up?

people like you, quick to judge and look down at everybody else and know better than anyone else. You are not the worst, at least you are easy to notice and avoid 😂

You are not coming across as clever and educated as you think you are.
You are absolutely allowed to have an opinion on anything you want, but it's your opinion, it really does not matter.You will find a lot more to judge as your kid move to primary than secondary school.

Please read my original comment again. I am talking about a specific case, which I believe constitutes child abuse. Blaming a child for lacking social skills when the parent never allowed them to experience or learn them is a special situation. I never said this happens all the time; I only mentioned that I have come across situations like this.

Autism is a broad term, unfortunately. It can range from someone being barely aware of it themselves, with people around them hardly noticing, to someone needing constant care. I did not say that a diagnosis can never be wrong; I simply meant that in some cases, perhaps parents should question themselves rather than immediately concluding that the child has issues.

Interesting how you keep calling me judgmental, while your entire post is full of judgments about me.
If I seem judgmental, I make no apologies—I’m not pretending otherwise.

No, it doesn’t apply to me. We are talking about parents who don’t discipline their children. I can clearly state that it doesn’t apply to me.

I understand that these days the trend is to pretend nothing is acknowledged, but why is it strange for me to say that I discipline my child?

We can discuss whether the way I do it is right or wrong, but that’s not what this thread is about. This thread is about what happens that leads people to avoid disciplining their children.

my post was in reply to yours..
the difference between you and me is that I would never start a thread judging other people, especially in this context.

So yes, I am judging you because you invited opinions by creating this thread.

I don't judge other parents unless their kids are a menace for me or my kids.
I do judge parents like you who have to judge and express their unwanted opinions 😂, there are so many around the school or on the classes groups. Makes the rest of us laugh.

I wonder if gentle parenting ought to be retitled perhaps? Careful parenting or soemthing? 'Gentle' does rather have connotations of softness, hands-off, soothing and comforting when, done correctly, it has elements of these things but not to the exclusion of occasional 'telling' and physical removal.

Maybe you wouldn’t start a thread yourself, but you have no problem commenting and calling people judgmental.
I don’t see an issue with discussing things on a forum.
If you feel judged, that’s something you might need to reflect on. If you truly didn’t care, you wouldn’t be here.

Fair enough if you were speaking of a individual case where you knew a child had been assessed as not having autism. (You did leave out the assessment part though, which would have helped your readers 😅)

I don’t think you were just speaking about a specific case though. I did read your post. You started that post by agreeing with a pp who said
‘this pda is just a label for ineffectual gentle parenting’

You said you felt there was some truth to this.

There isn’t any truth to this.
Autism with pda tendencies (diagnosed) does not happen because of ineffectual parenting.

My step daughter is a wet lettuce parent. It was all “now you are upsetting mummy with your behaviour” and “let’s take a minute to think about why you did that”. He was 2!!!
Now both kids are feral and she can’t cope with them as they were never taught discipline or boundaries.
my kids always knew I wouldn’t back down and didn’t push it too much. All kids try and push boundaries and it’s parents job to let them grow up to be independent but know that life has rules and it’s not always fair!

And I always thought the earlier you start the easier it can be in later years.

That mother sounds like she’s creating a little shit/psychopath

When I've made that msiatke with the kids when teens - giving illusion of option when there is none and they've picked "wrong" or point out I don't mean that - I laugh apologise for poor phrasing and then say this is an instruction and what I need doing.

I don't quite know why I do it as it is confusing. I didn't do it when they were younger but crept in when they were teens. However it does happen and I immediately correct my phrasing - to point I can hear it and self correct now.

Why would I have a problem replying to people? It's funny you think I feel judged, you know nothing of the way I do parent my own kids.

You are not commenting on people not parenting, you are commenting on parents not parenting LIKE YOU. It's not a discussion, it's a judgement and wanting to tell every one how right your way is the right and only way.

I do have an opinion on parents like you, and you invited the opinion.

Actually, that’s not what I’m saying. My comments are about parents who DO NOT discipline at all, not about anyone parenting differently than me.

Discipline isn’t a parenting style in itself: you can discipline a child in many different ways. My way might not work for everyone, because every child is different and you need to adjust your approach to their personality. But it’s all still within the framework of discipline.

Discipline is a tool or approach parents use to guide their children’s behavior. It’s about setting boundaries, teaching consequences, and helping children learn self-control.
The forum is about you either DO IT or you DO NOT. Not about HOW you do it.

Reminds me of when I took my young nephews to Pizza Hut. They were being naughty and unruly at the table. I warned them that if they didn't calm down and behave we would leave. They didn't calm down so I had the food boxed up and marched them straight out of there.

They were silent with shock on the drive home. They couldn't believe I had actually carried out on my threat (DB and SIL were very much faffy parents and would have spent the entire stressful meal ineffectually negotiating for better behaviour from my nephews).

Guess what? Next time I took my nephews out they were as good as gold and sat like angels in Pizza Hut.

no, they discipline differently.

The kids survive don't they? They somehow have been taught to wear clothes, not lick plugs, not run in front of a car, not jump out of a window, not grab food from people's hands or from supermarket shelves. I mean, they don't behave like complete raccoons do they.

Parents have rules and some kind of discipline, or it would be chaos and unsafe chaos.

It might not be the discipline you would choose, or the discipline I would chose, but it's there. There's always some discipline in there somewhere, and some consequences.

I am not even going into the struggle some parents face, often the mum.
So I do judge people like you, who think they are better and their way is the only way.

Start a debate of gentle parents/ strict parents, it's always amusing to see the fight 😂but don't be so disingenuous and pretend your thread is anything else than a superior judgement from you against parents who raise their children differently.

What happens to parenting? People parents differently, what else is new.

"The kids survive don't they? They somehow have been taught to wear clothes, not lick plugs, not run in front of a car, not jump out of a window, not grab food from people's hands or from supermarket shelves. I mean, they don't behave like complete raccoons do they."

SERIOUSLY? That’s the standard you’re using? God help us all!!!!!

just proving the point that parents do parents... You are being ridiculous by pretending there's no parenting or discipline whatsoever, but I had to chose examples you would actually understand

You seem to be taking this very seriously, don't faint 😂