Parents Begging Their Children… What Happened to Parenting?

[Katherina198819]

Every time I’m out with my children- playgrounds, shops, playgroups, nursery pick-ups- I see it: parents begging their kids. A 3-year-old is playing happily in the sand, having the time of their life. The parent comes over and says, “Would you like to go?” Of course the child shouts “No!”—why wouldn’t they? They want to stay. The parent keeps pleading: “Please, let’s go… Would you like to put on your shoes?” The child gets frustrated; why would they want to put on shoes if they don’t want to leave? It goes on for 15 minutes, sometimes longer, until the child is finally dragged away screaming.

This isn’t a one-off: I see it constantly. We’ve entered a world where parents don’t really parent. They call it “embracing emotions” or “teaching moments”, but in reality, they’re not guiding their kids. Not everything has to be a lesson or an emotional workshop. Sometimes parenting is just about doing, not negotiating.

I think expecting children to make decisions like this sets them up for failure. They don’t understand that you need to go home, cook dinner, or do your tax paperwork; they only know you asked if they wanted to go, and they said no. Parenting isn’t therapy. Sometimes it’s just guidance, plain and simple.

This.

Absolutely. You don't suddenly start (finally) trying to discipline your child when they're physically too big for you to remove them from a situation. You start when they're tiny FFS! So that when they're a bit older all they need is 'the look' or a tone of voice from you, and they comply.

Don't know why parents are so afraid of their children to discipline them. Children need to be taught.They don't know how to behave. That's the point of parenting.

There is no good leaving it until these children are 6 7 8 or older. It needs to be done from a very young age. It's pointless, letting them rule the roost until they're halfway through primary school and then trying to rein them in, it won't work.

I believe is talking about parents who pretend to give choices, for example: “Darling, would you like to go?”—and when the 3-year-old clearly says “no,” they keep begging until the child finally agrees.

God, I so agree. This is an aspect of the modern world I really hate - the silly pretence.

You find it in all kinds of areas. I can't stand watching TV documentaries where the presenter pretends to 'discover' things on screen (that they bloody well knew because they're a history or science prof) and even emotes for us, with faux surprise and sometimes tears (esp re slavery).

Stop pretending and behave like adults! In many areas of life we don't get a choice and kids need to learn that lesson early.

"Darling, would you like to obey the law or not? Would you like to nick that phone/break the speed limit/punch that bloke in the face, or shall we talk through your big feelings instead?"

Darling, would you like to obey the law or not? Would you like to nick that phone/break the speed limit/punch that bloke in the face, or shall we talk through your big feelings instead?"

🤣

Brilliant

Theyre in for a disappointing life. no one loves them as much as their parents. No one will tolerate it.

Unless you have billions of inherited wealth you will have to leave school get a job, earn a living to pay for what you want and obey the law.

You dont get to opt out and do what you want instead.

Err, yes! They get asked, then told, then consequences. No pussy footing about.

Can you move so the others can use the slide please?

Johnny, move off the slide please.

This is the point at which you physically remove little Johnny and tell him sternly that if he can't behave and do as he is told, he will be going home. If he does it again, it's straight to physical removal and taken home.

Because they want to be best friends, not parents.
They want so badly to please their little darlings that they forget to actually parent.

I’m 36 years old. I don’t seek a 3-year-old as my best friend. A good relationship with her? Of course, I’ll do my best. But I don’t confuse that with friendship.

I also think many of these parents were raised by harsh, strict parents. Now they’re trying to do the opposite—to heal family traumas—without realizing they might be creating new ones.I believe there’s a middle ground in parenting: it doesn't have to be either “let’s beat them up for not eating broccoli” or “let’s allow them to get away with murder.”

Okay!!!

I’ve actually had some ineffectual parents say this to me “Oh, but we’re mates - we don’t want to get heavy with him!”

The consequences of this attitude will be felt across society: entitled youngsters who don’t think they should have to do anything they don’t want to, exasperated managers and teacher shortages. The combination of very restrictive sanctions for teachers and the abdication of the tougher aspects of the role by some parents isn’t going to end well.

Oops..restricted, not restrictive!

I couldn’t agree more, and I do exactly the same. An authoritative ‘stop that right now’ and ‘no’ are words/phrases we need to hear being decisively used far more often. Start as you mean to go on.

Same. How I was parented. I would never have disobeyed my parents or talked back to them. Our two don’t to us either. You are the parent they flipping well do as you say. Not entering into negotiations with a child - it’s just ridiculous sorry.

Dh and I won’t be treated like shit by anyone least of all our own kids 🙄. That’s not happening. We are apparently “lucky” that we now have lovely teens…

Who are “a pleasure to teach” and frequently get invited on other families holidays.

I agree with letting your kids treat you like shit, it just models to them that it's normal to let people treat you badly.

And even more directly, it teaches them that it's okay for them, themselves to treat people badly.

The only time I ever yelled at my mother I got such a walloping from my father I never did it again. If I had refused to go to school he would have dragged me there. They were the good old days when children were taught their place in the world.

So you're in favour of hitting children?

@BoredZeldaI really want to know where this is. Do you think it’s because when they grow up a bit they’re routinely modelled civilised conduct? I ask cos you mentioned it’s another country where gentle parenting is the norm and now they’re chill.

Anecdotally, obviously, if a kid is a DGAF sort of little person then no amount of ‘please think of others’ will work a damn. If they’re the sort of kid who agrees it’s good to think of others, then Glory Be!

I’ve got one who did the right thing almost by some sort of innate ability to just cop on - all I ever had to say was ‘that’s not what we do’ or ‘other people need a turn’ and they’d stop it. No meant No. And that was a bad day. The other one, not so much; I did sometimes just have to pick my tiny renegade up and walk away cos no amount of reasoning would prevail. Shouting was a bust, seemed to actively enjoy getting a row. Nursery used to write to me in despair. They’re a well-behaved person now, respectful and faultlessly polite, but were occasionally wildly disobedient and even violent as a tot. Kicked her grandad in the balls, occasional biting, standing on desks etc. They clearly thought DC was let run riot at home. Same parental expectations, same rules, very similar people as siblings NOW. But chalk and cheese as small children and needed fairly different approaches. I got so many calls home at the beginning of school I actually stopped getting embarrassed. Admittedly it was for stuff like ‘shouting at friends while leaning out of a window.’ What stopped it was self-awareness kicking in. They’ve also never been bullied. Not so of the agreeable one who never needed told off, sadly.

I do agree with you that over-authoritarian parenting (aka fear) can lead to kids who’re afraid of life and reluctant to make a decision. I can attest cos I was one. There’s a sweet spot, probably. Presumably most of us are sort of hitting it as these threads keep coming up. If it was the norm it wouldn’t be noteworthy.

She didn't say that. It's possible to bring children up to recognise authority and do what they're told without living in fear. As someone who grew up at a time when physical punishment was the norm, I would also add (tin hat on) that I think there are actually worse things a parent can do, with longer-lasting adverse affects. Best avoided, of course, but not the end of the world, is what I'm trying to say.

I agree with this. I grew up with a mother who used physical punishment, and I would never do that to my own child—especially since I know you don’t need it in order to discipline effectively. That said, for me at least, it still felt more straightforward than the manipulative, leading ‘open questions’ style some parents use today. With my mum, I always knew where I stood, whereas children with those kinds of mothers propably end up confused—made to feel bad simply for acting their age, while the parents believe they’re being kind by not disciplining them.

I think I agree. I don't know if I'm unusual but some of the things I see promoted like manipulative fake questions would make me anxious too. Heck I'd probably start getting twitchy just from hearing my mum switch to those wanky parent blog scripts in a fake calm voice.

Quite. So desperate to post snippily, they forgot the 'e in you're.

I work in a school and see this daily with parents.

I think giving children some choice within parameters is good. But those parameters should be real choices.

So, I think another poster (or maybe several) gave a similar example upthread:

’we’re leaving in five minutes as we need to get home. Would you rather walk by the tennis courts or the duck pond’.

The leaving time is non negotiable and is enforced physically if necessary (after one or two clear warnings).

Also ‘I’d love to stay longer but I need to get back because I need to log on to work’ (or whatever you need to do), shows them that everyone has deadlines that they need to meet and doesn’t have free choice.

agree , parenting has gone way to far in the way of the child ruling the parents now