Parents Begging Their Children… What Happened to Parenting?

[Katherina198819]

Every time I’m out with my children- playgrounds, shops, playgroups, nursery pick-ups- I see it: parents begging their kids. A 3-year-old is playing happily in the sand, having the time of their life. The parent comes over and says, “Would you like to go?” Of course the child shouts “No!”—why wouldn’t they? They want to stay. The parent keeps pleading: “Please, let’s go… Would you like to put on your shoes?” The child gets frustrated; why would they want to put on shoes if they don’t want to leave? It goes on for 15 minutes, sometimes longer, until the child is finally dragged away screaming.

This isn’t a one-off: I see it constantly. We’ve entered a world where parents don’t really parent. They call it “embracing emotions” or “teaching moments”, but in reality, they’re not guiding their kids. Not everything has to be a lesson or an emotional workshop. Sometimes parenting is just about doing, not negotiating.

I think expecting children to make decisions like this sets them up for failure. They don’t understand that you need to go home, cook dinner, or do your tax paperwork; they only know you asked if they wanted to go, and they said no. Parenting isn’t therapy. Sometimes it’s just guidance, plain and simple.

I think there’s something in this. I’d guess it is largely cultural and rather more a white, affluent Guardian-reader thing.

When my son started piano lessons aged 7;( by no means young for starting an instrument) I got it in the neck from this kind of mum(But how do you know he WANTS to learn the piano? You’re forcing him to do it. You should wait until he asks). My feeling was: how would a 7 year old even know whether he wants to learn unless he has a go ? Give him the chance and if he hates it, stop - simple.

He loved it and went on to Diploma level, although I know that’s not the point here. Sometimes adults know best and need to take a strong line, not defer to small children on things they cannot possibly understand.

This made me think of the contrasting leadership styles of Captain Mainwairing and Sergeant Wilson in Dad’s Army!🤣

Haha pretty apt observation 😁

I really think you are getting confused. Parenting isn’t easy for anyone but having some boundaries in place helps make it that little bit easier. Why make it even harder for yourself than it already is? Having one aspect in a good place (leaving at the given time) doesn’t mean all aspects are though, parenting is a constant learning exercise.

Young children want and need boundaries. Giving them instructions they have to follow isn’t “mean” or unkind. It doesn’t have to be done aggressively but they have to be taught this (different if SN /PDA I’m talking about the average kid sorry but wet parenting is too widespread for them all to have SN).

And as others have said it’s your job as parent to teach them to follow instructions as basically that’s life in a community. We all need jobs where we are told what to do and can’t go around running red traffic lights.

Along with some consistent loving enforced rules, I'd like to see some consideration for others instilled.

Sometimes adults know best and need to take a strong line, not defer to small children on things they cannot possibly understand.

Exactly. This is how we've reached the point where a small number of parents have taken a very young child's words absolutely literally and decided that when little Max, who wants to wear a ballerina dress and have long hair, but has been told no because he's a boy, says in utter frustration 'I'm not a boy, I'm a girl!' he means that in spite of his male body he has a female gender identity. Poor little scraps, 'socially transitioned' and 'gender identity affirmed', with no thought of the huge problems this is going to create when the child reaches puberty and the reality of which sex they are has to be faced. In times gone by a parent doing something as batshit as this would have been reported to social services, but in recent years parents objecting to this have been the ones reported.

Agreed. When I was growing up in the 1960s my parents were obsessed with being considerate to others, which had a lot to do with how judgemental they were, and their assumption that everybody else was too. Nevertheless, I am very glad that they taught us to be aware of others around us and not do irritating things like dawdle four abreast along the pavement so nobody else can get past, stop dead at the top of an escalator, leave a supermarket trolley across the aisle so nobody else can get through, sit down on a bus or train when someone more in need is standing, and so on. I can't imagine what they'd make of kids running amok round a shop or a restaurant with nobody even trying to keep them in check.

Yes - there’s child-centred…and there’s totally ME-centred. It’s doing the child a disservice.

Sometimes adults know best and need to take a strong line, not defer to small children on things they cannot possibly understand

Sometimes?

No an adult always knows better than a small child.

When mine where younger I would give them a 5 minute warning before we left so they knew it would soon be time to leave. Mostly they left when I told them after the 5 minutes and if they didn't I removed them. They learnt very quicky that I meant it.

I’d be interested to hear the explanation you gave your DH, and what relevance it has to gentle parenting. Assuming that’s what you think the mother was trying to do, I suggest you do some more research.

A bit of a mean and flippant point coming up…

One good thing about the post-Covid cashless society is that we no longer have to stand in a long queue at the supermarket whilst an indulgent parent allows their pre-schooler to help calculate and count out the change. I’ve seen that a few times. There’s a time and a place to learn about money etc, but a busy supermarket isn’t it.

I was born in the sixties and most of my childhood was in the seventies. I think this style of "what would the neighbours think" parenting was how most of us were brought up in those days and it was a good thing. I have never forgotten the Brownie motto :"A Brownie Guide thinks of others before herself and does a good turn every day." Or, as a Christian, the teaching of Jesus: "Do unto others that which you would do unto yourself." As standards to live by, we can do do no better.

Yes, white middle class. I think people are so obsessively trying to "heal family patterns" that they are actually creating new ones; and it’s become a huge trend on social media. I see countless videos where so-called “professional” psychologists analyze toddlers’ behavior and claim that the child has the right to slap or scream at their mother. It’s bizarre. I really don’t know how we ended up here.

Coming from Eastern Europe, I can’t imagine this sort of behavior being tolerated when I was growing up. But even back home, things are shifting. Each time I visit, I see more children running wild in restaurants while parents sit by, unfazed, as their kids dismantle the place. It feels less like healing and more like unraveling. It is so sad.

To be honest, I think there is some truth to that. I would never dismiss autism: I used to work as a teacher in a special needs school, so I know firsthand how challenging children’s behavior can be, both for the child and the parent. In those cases, it’s not always about doing what’s most beneficial for the child in the moment, but also what makes life manageable for the parents. I completely understand that.

However, we have a family friend who keeps her children in a bubble. During COVID, she became so paranoid that they didn’t leave the house for four years. The kids were homeschooled and had no interaction with anyone outside their parents and sibling. The oldest boy (around eight now) literally grew up without seeing or socializing with anyone else. Now that they’ve started going out again, it’s no surprise that he doesn’t know how to interact with other children or adults. But instead of acknowledging that, his mother keeps pushing for autism assessments because she’s convinced he has it. In reality, she simply failed to give him the chance to learn basic social skills. The poor child is just confused and overwhelmed.

I think this is a huge issue nowadays. Parents are so exhausted by constant begging, negotiating, and power struggles that they give in just to get some peace: Handing a child a tablet or phone is their solution. When these children are finally around others, they don’t know how to behave, because they were never taught boundaries or given consistent guidance. What used to be called discipline has almost disappeared; now kids are left confused, overwhelmed, and socially unprepared.

his mother keeps pushing for autism assessments because she’s convinced he has it. In reality, she simply failed to give him the chance to learn basic social skills. The poor child is just confused and overwhelmed.

Let the experts, usually a professional multidisciplinary team, do the diagnosing please.

Outsiders thinking they know better than a parent is very common unfortunately, and extremely unhelpful.

It’s not up to you to say there are no valid concerns here.

I’ve never seen this type of dialogue out and about. And this is not gentle parenting for everyone who is saying it’s. It’s permissive. Far too many people don’t understand GP and presume it’s code for the kid rules the house. It’s not.

It should go something like this:

’we’re leaving in 5 minutes’

’do you want me to put your shoes on or can you do it?’

Kid either decides to cooperate or doesn’t. If they don’t you have to get creative. GP does not mean letting your kid dictate to you. If that’s what you’re seeing then they’re doing it wrong.

I don’t personally parent like that.
but i try not to judge. We’re all just trying to do our best, I think. We all know how challenging it is. Made ten times harder at the thought that other parents are watching and judging at the play ground!
the only type of parents that I can’t stand, are cruel ones, and ones who think their child is the only person in the universe. Apart from that, crack on. It’s literally non of my business

I agree. So many people tell me my daughter is not autistic. I mean, she’s been diagnosed so there is that. Not to mention, she masks around people so they don’t see any of what we see.

Let them think what they want. I couldn’t care less. I know my child best and why we went down the pathway for assessment

I was at work the yesterday and a family came in
The child (who would have been about 8) went straight up to our ipads and was screaming because other children where using them
The father was bleating on to the child about 'big feelings' and this child was screaming so loudly he wasn't listening
I tried to give him some colouring but he wasn't interested (fair enough) he just carried on screaming with the father 'going on about 'big feelings' and 'let's talk buddy'
The food arrived,hes still screaming and an iPad became available
He was straight on it,slack jawed with father twittering on about eating his food (which was ignored)
Time to leave and the child didn't want to leave so the father was begging him to leave (the car park timings where about to run out)
Cue tons of screaming again,father going on about 'big feelings' and 'we need to talk buddy' while the child screamed and screamed
They finally left and I saw him begging the child to get into the car through the window

If that had been mine it would have been 'oh dear,the ipads are taken,let's do this colouring while we wait' 'oh look,an ipad is free,you can have a go once youve eaten' and then '5 minutes and it's time to go'
Then we would have left

I'm far from a perfect parent,but at the first sign of a tantrum (dd2,I'm looking at you) we would have left and gone home not sat bleating at my child who's too far into a tantrum to listen to me

Another time we where at the hell that is soft play
A woman was begging her child(who would have been 4/5) to allow her to have a sip of her coffee but the child was having none of it
Same child was running around,spitting,hitting and thumping anyone who came near her
The mother was pleading with her to stop while the child laughed in her face

We ended up leaving in the end as my lot had enough of being whacked (I did have a word with the staff but they said they couldn't do anything about her,so we left and never went back)

I think this is right.

It's about trying to understand a young child's mindset. Of course they'll kick up if suddenly told they have to go when they're enjoying themselves, so you give them an advance warning - and this can be done with a positive spin - such as 'We can stay for another 10 mins!'

And you can let them make some decisions (possibly about which trousers or t-shirt they want) but you don't expect them to make the serious decisions, or take the concomitant responsibility for the big decisions which will affect them and others. That's for an adult with life experience.

Fgs - isn't it common sense?

No one can accurately diagnose without an assessment but the OP has worked in a special school and isn't just talking out of her arse, she has some idea in many situations. As a note also, even assessments can occasionally be wrong.

That official diagnosis is not an automatic assessment of reality and sometimes people who have a fair bit of experience can develop an instinct that is worth a measured respect.

(fwiw I have one assessed clearly autistic son and one son who even the emeritus professor with 50 years' experience could not quite decide which side of the line he sits).

Does it make you feel better to think you are a perfect parent? What exactly are you getting from this thread, just applaud you?

It's astonishing that the minute you have a bump showing, you become a public forum and people think they have a right to judge and comment on everything you do 😂

I can't imagine begging my children to do anything, but as long as other kids are not bullying mine or disrupting the class at school, I couldn't care less how other parents parent. Why are you so invested in other people? bored? Need to feel valued or something?

Totally agree with what release said. Young children need to be taught to think of others and how their behaviour affects others. This is the parents job as young children are naturally self absorbed and self focussed.

Remember my mother instilling social skills - listening to others / asking questions. My Dd was doing this at 6. I have met many adults who still can’t.