OH wants me to leave PT job to work FT....

[GreenLemonHedgehog]

My OH wants me to leave my part time job, it doesn't pay that well although it's term time. I do 3 days pw tutoring. Start at 9 and finish at 2.30. This gives me enough time to collect the kids/school run morning and afternoon. We have 4 children, they are at primary school.

My 2 days off; one day is spent on washing, housework, errands. The other day is spent volunteering for a SEND organisation. I advise parents on the phone, help with the EHCP process and other things. I plan to move into a local authority role in a year's time, which has scope for progression as kids get older, better salary and flexible/home working with liklihood of term time working. (I had an interview recently for this very job, it went really well but they needed a little more experience and asked me to keep in touch.)

OH and I agreed this was a good plan and both happy with it. Now he's exploding,
telling me to leave my job and just get a better paid job anywhere else, doing anything. He feels weighed down as the breadwinner and wants more from me financially. He's told me he expects me to bring in 2k pm to lift the burden. I'm no where near that. I have an 8y gap in employment due to children and had a rough time with my MH during that time. I've just started dipping back in and now feel completely responsible for his satisfaction with life and money.

I've explained I'm trying to help as much as I can, and my wage goes into the pot. I've explained we need to think about school runs, him wanting me to just go and find anything else will mean unlikehood of term time working, or hours not compatible with school, who will care for the children? 4 is a lot. The school run wrap around care but it is expensive, £400 pm for 4 children.

I want to contribute more but I'm struggling with his expectations, which I feel are quite demanding and unrealistic. It's caused a huge argument and he is now passively aggressively sending me jobs to apply for.

He says I'm not doing enough to contribute financially, I feel like he only sees money as worth and can't see anything else. He works very hard, long hours/early mornings, I know he is feeling burnt out. We've gone through finances and cut backs.

I feel like I'm juggling a lot already. I get the feeling he resents me, feeling I have the 'easy ride,' which I don't feel is fair at all.

When I try to explain my feelings or respond to his views, I'm dismissed and 'talking boll***s.'

AIBU???

I also have 4 kids, the youngest two being twins, so can testify to the gruelling and relentless grind that it is when they’re young. Hang in there, it gets easier.

You sound like you are coping amazingly well: bringing in money, keeping the house, and providing excellent care for your children. And you have a plan in place to increase your earnings.

These years are very tough and will highlight any cracks in your relationship. Your husband is being so unsupportive and blaming that it would be enough for me to consider if I wanted to stay with someone who makes a difficult situation worse instead of better.

This sounds very much as if something has gone wrong with his business. OP you have have given a lot of information about yourself but nothing about how your OH is doing financially. Maybe the business has been struggling for a while, he thought he could hang on for another year or two, now he realises he can't. Or maybe he's suddenly lost a big client and the whole situation is much worse.

Do you know how his business is doing? Maybe things are now so bad that you should find some kind of fulltime work while he looks after the children. In an emergency you might both need to change jobs and totally rejig everything. Maybe he has been paying himself more than his business can afford. You need to get this out of him so you can make a sensible decision. Can you ignore the tantrums, remind him that you're a team and that you are ready to discuss making changes when he is ready to tell you what's really going on at his work?

He's not telling you something.

He is either on the verge of bankruptcy, a mental health breakdown or fallen for another woman and justifying his interest in her by demonising you.

Let's assume it's not that last one. You need to tell him unequivocally that the two of you will work out another plan. There are lots of suggestions here. He needs to dial right back and you both need to find a way to keep things going.

My DH had a breakdown after similar outbursts from me. He was being ludicrous in the build up, shouting at me to go to my job when I was signed off on maternity and he'd stay home. He was honestly ill but I couldn't see it initially.

Tell your husband the two of you will figure it out.

I moved foreign teens into our house for a couple of summers, tutored lots of extra hours and DH picked up the childcare and housework.

Try to drown out the ridiculous demands and hear the plea behind it. You can talk it through when he's acting rationally.

Who has four kids and works full-time.while they are in primary really. Wraparound care can be £200 a month the money she is saving doing the family work is more than what she would earn.
She's getting things in hand for a better paying job as soon as she can. Sounds like he's trying to scupper that. I might be a luddite but I'm not an apologist for a bullying pig.

Can you look into something like evening tuition or exam marking to increase your income?

@GreenLemonHedgehog i wouldn’t be changing anything untill he had a plan where he works full time (like you will be ) and splits drop off and pick up . Has his name down as emergency contact . Agrees whole heartedly to sharing days off with sick kids and holidays . I’d be writing a list of dentist, doctors ,hospital appointments . Shopping ,cooking ,washing cleaning .
Both your parents are NOT picking up all that slack .
He really doesn’t get how much you put into the relationship .
The volunteering day seems it is to get experience for a better job next year ?
If so he is pushing you in the wrong direction when you have a plan . He seems very resentful that you have any time to yourself it seems .
Is he insecure , jealous , ever controlling or nasty ? Wondering if there is another reason he doesn’t want you to have “free “ time . Now you’re not trapped at home with kids .

Why haven’t you married ? Is the house just in his name ? Would you be able to find housing ?
If I was being pushed to take on too much to breaking point I’d leave and do it all alone without him having any of the benefits just like he has himself sorted .
Was he always this stressed at work or is this new now you have two days free (in his eyes)
what does he do at weekends ?
What does he do with the kids ?

My DH went through a similar thing. He has an anxiety disorder and every now and then he lets it dominate. I almost left him over it, not because of the working, but because of him going back on an agreement of many years and his total disregard for my and the children. He wasn't a small earner, all he saw were dollar signs.

I figured if I had to work full time, do most of the housework, deal with managing the children and all the mental load still, I might as well be on my own so I at least got the late evening and weekend to myself a bit, and do what I wanted to do, (rather than be on wife duty expected to go into companion mode at those time too).

I've never quite forgiven him for how he treated me at that time, though things are better now.

Agree !

We would struggle if I went part time. As a couple we need to both work full time (we have one child). Your husband could have reacted in a calmer way, but he’s probably struggling to financially support 4 children and pay for all or most of the bills on his own. How much money are you bringing in every month? Instead of volunteering one day a week, that could be an extra day of paid work.

I do not agree with how he is talking to you about this as it is not helpful or constructive. The solution is to find weekend work and leave dc with him. I would also cost out a year of after school care and holiday clubs against a full time wage as I think he will be shocked. If he is feeling the strain financially then he needs help but it has to be balanced around the cost of childcare.

If all he's thinking about is money, I suggest you write out a list af all the money you are saving him by working part time!
Childcare for 4 children..X £ (that will be A LOT, especially in the holidays)
Cleaner for X hours for X£ per week
Laundry/dry cleaning
Someone to take/collect children from school
The list goes on.

These are just some of the things that you both would have to pay for if you went full time, coz apples to oranges he would not help you with the chores. He sounds like the sort who would get home and collapse with fatigue completely unaware that you feel the same.
So really, you would be no better off.

I have four children who were all at primary school
at the same time. We have both always worked full time. It only works if you don’t have a default parent who deals with them when they are sick/ off school/ going to clubs. You both have to pull your weight. We managed it by taking a break at 3 to collect the children and go to clubs, then working in the evenings to finish our hours. (We are lucky to have jobs that allow us to do that.) Cleaning and admin happened at weekends, arranged around the kids’ sports matches. It’s hard work, but it doesn’t last forever.

It does sound like he's under pressure at work and is concerned about the money. He's obviously irrational in how he's approaching this but there could be serious problems in the near future.

How much does he earn, and how much of the household budget does that cover? If he's worried that he'll not be able to do that for much longer then that's a huge amount of pressure to be under.

You've not really said much about the household finances. It's all been from your point of view, can you consider it from his to try to see why he's acting this way

I sort of feel like you are a past version of me, 4 dc in 4 and a bit years. Youngest twins, I stepped out of my career as twins are brutal I don’t think I slept for about a year. My ex-DH also burnt out with the pressure and turned into a dick. We got divorced, I was much better off working plus UC top ups than I had been “sponging” off him.

Twins are ten now, Ive got back into better paid work. He’s actually is a lot better as a parent since we split, interested, helps them with music practice and homework, teaching everyone to cook type stuff. We largely do 50/50 but quite child centred and they have activities so often children get 1 on 1 Or 1 to 2 and their dad has others.

I suppose my point is I called his bluff, about leaving, emotionally detached from him and actually my life got better. I do think it’s worth considering whether this is a relationship you want to be in. Also do your sums you’d be able to claim UC for three despite two child limit due to twins plus CB plus any child maintenance plus wage.

It was easier for me as I kept family home but might be worth considering a rental or putting your name on social housing list. Emotionally abusive partner with 4 dc at risk of homelessness should put you high up the list.

Op do you earn enough together atm to pay bills & have some money over?

If so & what he's wanting is for you to earn more then what will change for him?

Or is he intending to cut back his hours in accordance?

I do have sympathy for the stress of being a breadwinner. But 4 children, two of whom only started school this week, part time work and volunteer work to boost the CV to secure a better position, really does sound like someone pulling thier weight.

Being sympathetic to him, is there a chance the job suggestions arent passive aggressive, but jobs he thinks you could do and enjoy to boost your confidence? Its very easy to fall into a trap of seeing everything through a negative lens.

What do you tutor in? Now the term has started I am sure you could get some private tuition jobs which would pay more. How about proposing to your husband that you spend all day on a Saturday giving private tuition and he look after the kids.

@GreenLemonHedgehog i have worked as a tutor and these people saying ‘oh just get another 10 hours paid work per week’ are frankly talking out of their arse, it’s not that straightforward to get the work in school hours. You and your H had a plan to increase your family income which sounds manageable and positive, and now out of the blue he’s decided you’re some sort of gold digger who’s sitting around filing her nails and waiting for him to pay for everything.

my first response is to ask what’s happened for your husband to have suddenly switched into Mr Unreasonable. If you lay out the unfulfilled responsibilities and costs associated with you going to work in ‘any job’ what does that look like? Who is picking up the housework? Who’s doing school runs and helping your child that’s struggling? Which of you will miss work when children are off school- sick or holidays/inset days? Who is doing the life admin?
it’s all very well to want two working parents, but that stuff still needs doing and can mean that neither of you ever get a break- you’re either in your paid job, or parenting, or doing domestic and administrative work.

I hope you manage to work this out, but the ‘why’ here is important. Is it The Script? Is he aware of some dangers for his business?

Childcare yes but she doesn’t need a cleaner or someone to do the laundry.

It’s galling that your father did manage to find a woman who runs around after him and works full time too. Do you see your dad much?

I hope at least your mum is free and happy now?

I have 4 kids. It is hard work! I returned to work part-time but like many jobs it became a full-time job in part-time hours. I was pretty much parenting alone as DH has a long hours corporate job. I told that I needed to work more hours and he needed to do more. His job is super full-on but pays well and he wanted me to become a SAHM to take the pressure from us until the kids were older. He knew the implications of supporting me etc.. Youngest is about to go to secondary school and it finially feels like I will have a bit more time to myself. I think if we had both stayed as we were then we would have burnt out. I think that you and you husband need to work out some sort of compromise which keeps you both happy. Look to the long-term and think about yourself.

The fact that he expects your mother or his to pick up the childcare slack if you work FT, without even speaking to them about it or considering cutting back his own hours to do some of it himself, tells you all you need to know about this man. He thinks childcare and household management is a woman’s job, which would be fine if you were also happy with that and, crucially, he accepts the responsibility of being the main provider. He can’t have it bloody both ways, the absolute prick. Stand up to this bully, OP.

Because she will end up working full time, do all the pick ups from after school wrap around, then home to cook dinner and then all the housework on the weekend.

I actually think what you're doing is perfect and fits around your 4 children. If you got a full time job then you're not any better off because of the £400 wrap around care. Also what would you do about the holidays?! Your husband is being a brat, quite honestly. You clean the house and do all the house stuff and the school run, take care of 4 children, cook meals and work part time. Does he realise he'd have to split all the chores such as cooking, washing and cleaning 50/50?! He will soon moan about it when it changes as he'd expect you to do it all.

I'm the main breadwinner in my house after my husband had an accident. I have empathy for your husband's struggle; I have felt it myself. Not just financially, but also when it comes to the housework, for instance on my days off (I work 12 hr shifts, 4 on 4 off), I do the housework and do the food shopping, walk the dog out and do my hobby, so I do my share in the house too, My husband does this when Im at work. But there have been occasions when I return from a 12-hour shift, and the house has been a tip with no reason for it, or he has forgotten to set the washing away for the second day in a row, leaving more for me on my days off. Due to this, and the pressure of ensuring the wheels stay on at work, it can increase pressure, and I have also shown the strain too. To be fair, though, my husband does take it on board and we do figure it out, so it doesn't happen very often.

I have also run my own business before, and the pressure with this was on another level; it can be very isolating. Currently, if I'm ill, I get sick pay, I have access to OH and support from peers and supervision and holiday pay. With my own business, I had none of this, so the pressure was even higher.

I dont think his solution is the right one, but please don't underestimate the strain he is feeling. If it's his own business, he has no employment rights, i.e sick pay if he needs it, no peer support to share the load, and if the wheels fall off, your household income will crash, and with him being the main breadwinner, that's all on him, and his whole family suffers. That is a lot to have on your plate. No wonder it catches up with him. Reflecting on my situation, I feel the strain for him!

I hope you find a solution that provides the balance for your whole family and to help preserve your husband's sanity and resilience.