OH wants me to leave PT job to work FT....

[GreenLemonHedgehog]

My OH wants me to leave my part time job, it doesn't pay that well although it's term time. I do 3 days pw tutoring. Start at 9 and finish at 2.30. This gives me enough time to collect the kids/school run morning and afternoon. We have 4 children, they are at primary school.

My 2 days off; one day is spent on washing, housework, errands. The other day is spent volunteering for a SEND organisation. I advise parents on the phone, help with the EHCP process and other things. I plan to move into a local authority role in a year's time, which has scope for progression as kids get older, better salary and flexible/home working with liklihood of term time working. (I had an interview recently for this very job, it went really well but they needed a little more experience and asked me to keep in touch.)

OH and I agreed this was a good plan and both happy with it. Now he's exploding,
telling me to leave my job and just get a better paid job anywhere else, doing anything. He feels weighed down as the breadwinner and wants more from me financially. He's told me he expects me to bring in 2k pm to lift the burden. I'm no where near that. I have an 8y gap in employment due to children and had a rough time with my MH during that time. I've just started dipping back in and now feel completely responsible for his satisfaction with life and money.

I've explained I'm trying to help as much as I can, and my wage goes into the pot. I've explained we need to think about school runs, him wanting me to just go and find anything else will mean unlikehood of term time working, or hours not compatible with school, who will care for the children? 4 is a lot. The school run wrap around care but it is expensive, £400 pm for 4 children.

I want to contribute more but I'm struggling with his expectations, which I feel are quite demanding and unrealistic. It's caused a huge argument and he is now passively aggressively sending me jobs to apply for.

He says I'm not doing enough to contribute financially, I feel like he only sees money as worth and can't see anything else. He works very hard, long hours/early mornings, I know he is feeling burnt out. We've gone through finances and cut backs.

I feel like I'm juggling a lot already. I get the feeling he resents me, feeling I have the 'easy ride,' which I don't feel is fair at all.

When I try to explain my feelings or respond to his views, I'm dismissed and 'talking boll***s.'

AIBU???

Men are so spoilt, frankly. My husband is useless at holding down jobs so I have always worked ft but even when he isn’t working he does absolutely nothing in relation to house & kids. Once they’ve left home I’m outta here

She absolutely has done amazing. And has had the twins a couple of days so I agree her hands were previously tied.

I'm unclear on the job front though - it sounds like shes hedging her bets on an interview for a job she didn't get but was told they will 'keep her in mind' (which we all know is a soft rejection). So she's holding out for a FT job at some point being available? And I'm not sure where it says she's getting the extra experience she was told she didn't have before?

It sounds like the need for money is now but I also agree with other posters she hasn't said what their month to month finances are like and why this sudden need for it.

He’s abusive, leave him, you’ll get more in universal credits and he’ll have to pay you child support for 4 children. I’m not joking, it’s horrible to say to a woman looking after 4 children that she should be working more than you already are. The way he’s saying it is really cruel also, you are obviously smart if you can tutor but you’ve spent years not progressing at work to incubate and give birth to 4 children. Secretly record the way he talks to you so that you can show his family when you leave if he spins a narrative that it’s you, confide in his Mum etc.

Can 4 year old twins go to camp?
Where I live there is nothing during half term for kids let alone camp. The only time camp is on is during the 6 weeks holiday. If say it's £16 per day per child how much is that for 4 children?
Can they afford to put 4 children into camp daily?

I can’t stand it when women use the “switch the sexes” argument. At no point would your husband have carried and birthed 4 children in 4 years. You cannot “switch the sexes” in these conversations because of, oh yeah, biology. It’s not as simple as just slinging out a few kids and getting back to FT work is it? This approach is so misogynistic.

You’re correct. Tutoring / teaching wouldn’t pay enough to cover the cost of 4 children going into camp or childcare. She would be working for no extra money or maybe even a deficit.

I meant holiday camps that run day activities. My 5 year old year 1 DS did day camps when he was in reception. Where do you think all the reception kids go at half term for parents that work? We mix it up so I took 2 days off and he did 3 days of camp the first half term and at Xmas hols we shared time off.

Camp is often not that much more than a week of wraparound care.

But again, OP hasn't answered any questions about their current finances so whether they can afford it is unknown.

I would look to use your "housework" day as another working day and continue with the experience job as its stupid to sacrifice that when it longterm increases your earning power. I would also look at how you can expand your current work days (I know this adds issues after school etc)

As a result of loosing your housework day and poss increasing afterschool care you need a plan for how the school runs and afterschool activities will be sorted and also what the cost of any additional care for primary children is and the cost of a cleaner or division of tasks - so maybe kids having chores as well as Dad.

I would look at why he is working such long hours at his job - is it all coming about as he feels insecure and things have been said about job safety - or even his competence (I would wonder given the extra hrs he is working etc).

I fundamentally think unless he is going to be more involved in school & Kids then you save more by working around that than over riding it and trying to work full time.

I am not sure he has sat down and done more than calculate what more you could bring in - so the cost of doing that in terms of what he will need to do or what he will need to pay to be done, gardening, childcare, housework etc. Even things like dryer usage as no longer able to hang out washing, increased shopping costs for convenience food blah blah

For 4 children even if it's £10 a day x4 is still a lot of money. My local school charges it's not free. It's whether the op can afford that. Her husband needs to get a grip or find extra work until the op can work full time. Working 40 hours a week with 4 young children is asking a bit much.

he's jealous. Op is much more smarter than him and he hates that.

What indicates this?

My ex argued for je to go out to full time wirk and he stay home because it was ‘easier’. Guess what he did when we split and he got 50/50 care? He got himself a live in girlfriend who now does all the running around for the unpaid shitwork,

So what do you want?

Either we aren’t reliant on men and work FT.

Or, we are reliant on men and don’t work or work PT.

We can’t have it all and it’s not misogynistic to say that. The kids are in school so it’s not the same as a mother rushing back to FT post birth and it’s very dramatic to lump the two together. 0-3 is very different in terms of child needs compared to 4+. Both still require parenting but in very different ways. If the OP had a 9 month old then it’d be a different story.

Yes I do switch the sexes because sometimes it allows you to empathise with your partner if you’re in a hetro relationship.

Why did OP continue having children too? Surely it takes two to tango!

I agree but moving to FT means these are their considerations. But it doesn't just have to solely be camps, they should also BOTH plan to use AL around school holidays etc. Or her OH needs to plan to WFH some days (as he seems to own his own company I imagine it's in his gift to do this?)

It shouldn't be just down to OP to organise and do this thinking but all I'm saying is it's completely possible to do and some posters are dismissing it as impossible with young kids.

But it also seems like OP isn't really considering this - and perhaps is rethinking her relationship judging by some of his comments

What on earth? You’re asking the partner to take on more hours but in the same sentence saying working 40hrs with young children is asking a bit much .. such double standards

That depends on whether the full time partner is (or is willing to) participating in the unpaid shit work child rearing and housekeeping.

if they’re not and they pretty much just put their feet up in their non working hours whils the ither partner has to continue to manage the house and the kids then I’d say it’s pretty fair.

So basically if the OP was you then she would be allowed to work PT?

What I want is for women to wake up to the fact that men are putting increasing amounts of pressure on us to act like 50s housewives while also now bringing in a FT pay check. Thankfully the OP is unhappy with being expected to be a workhorse for her family and is clearly wanting to have an actual partnership.

An actual partnership involves understanding that there are ebbs and flows, that you face challenges as a team, and there will be times when one person may need more support than another…it’s almost as if that’s included in wedding vows isn’t it? In the OP’s husband’s shoes I would be proud to have a wife who has given me 4 children, looks after the house, is working on improving her future earning potential AND also works PT to provide some financial support rather than treating her like shit and putting her down all the time. But then I’m not an arsehole. I would maybe be proud of her achievements in the face of having dealt with all of the above and PND as well.

This constant comparison, jealousy and tearing down of each other on these posts is awful to see. It’s not a race to the bottom. It’s not a race to martyrdom. We don’t have to see just how much we can take until we break. Women deserve better than this.

What would happen if the OH came home and said he wanted a day off work to volunteer?

You might not have liked the method in which the message was delivered, but I think he has a point. If you have 4 children, you need income. And if that means paying for wraparound care, then that's what you do - most kids are just fine in wraparound care, and I think it's not fair for one partner to be working their fingers to the bone and be stressed off their tits because the other (usually the mother) thinks that their kids couldn't possibly go to after school club, or that they can't work full time.

Prioritise more work - that way he'll either step up with childcare, or if he doesn't, at least you stand more chance of being financially independent.

Also I don't think you need a whole day for housework- if you're not at home, things don't get so messy and dirty.

Your OH runs his own company. Does he employ eg admin people? If he does it would make most sense for you to work additional days remotely for him and get paid for them.

This is clearly not a reality for the OP, utterly pointless

His treatment towards the op. She is doing everything she reasonably can she isn't sitting on her arse. He's bullying her and he wants to put her down a peg or two. My partner has worked for himself for the last 10 years doing all sorts. He has worked for agencies and insurance companies. I am wondering what her partner is doing if he works for himself the flexibility and the money he can earn. It is hard when you work for yourself because you have to find the work. The op has done pretty well with the skillset she has got in finding work within child friendly hours. What is he doing he can work any time of the day he wants I don't get it.

It makes sense in theory but given the way he speaks to her when he is under stress that would not be a good solution. They need separate employers.

Why are so many posters making excuses for this man’s emotional abuse? We don’t even know he’s burnt out - lots of people assuming. Maybe he’s not burnt-out - maybe he’s just abusive 🤷‍♀️

I have been the higher earner ever since our child was born, sometimes earning over twice my DH’s salary and I pay for nearly everything. I’ve ended up at the Dr’s due to burn-out. Never, ever have I been emotionally abusive to my DH. Because I am not an abuser. There is never any excuse.

Her husband wants her to find a full time job. Full time work is 40 hours and his elderly mum who has health issues will do all the childcare. She has 2 sets of twins. One set is 4 and the other is I am assuming 7 or 8. That's what he is asking her to do. He doesn't think much of his mother either. He sounds like a catch.