OH wants me to leave PT job to work FT....

[GreenLemonHedgehog]

My OH wants me to leave my part time job, it doesn't pay that well although it's term time. I do 3 days pw tutoring. Start at 9 and finish at 2.30. This gives me enough time to collect the kids/school run morning and afternoon. We have 4 children, they are at primary school.

My 2 days off; one day is spent on washing, housework, errands. The other day is spent volunteering for a SEND organisation. I advise parents on the phone, help with the EHCP process and other things. I plan to move into a local authority role in a year's time, which has scope for progression as kids get older, better salary and flexible/home working with liklihood of term time working. (I had an interview recently for this very job, it went really well but they needed a little more experience and asked me to keep in touch.)

OH and I agreed this was a good plan and both happy with it. Now he's exploding,
telling me to leave my job and just get a better paid job anywhere else, doing anything. He feels weighed down as the breadwinner and wants more from me financially. He's told me he expects me to bring in 2k pm to lift the burden. I'm no where near that. I have an 8y gap in employment due to children and had a rough time with my MH during that time. I've just started dipping back in and now feel completely responsible for his satisfaction with life and money.

I've explained I'm trying to help as much as I can, and my wage goes into the pot. I've explained we need to think about school runs, him wanting me to just go and find anything else will mean unlikehood of term time working, or hours not compatible with school, who will care for the children? 4 is a lot. The school run wrap around care but it is expensive, £400 pm for 4 children.

I want to contribute more but I'm struggling with his expectations, which I feel are quite demanding and unrealistic. It's caused a huge argument and he is now passively aggressively sending me jobs to apply for.

He says I'm not doing enough to contribute financially, I feel like he only sees money as worth and can't see anything else. He works very hard, long hours/early mornings, I know he is feeling burnt out. We've gone through finances and cut backs.

I feel like I'm juggling a lot already. I get the feeling he resents me, feeling I have the 'easy ride,' which I don't feel is fair at all.

When I try to explain my feelings or respond to his views, I'm dismissed and 'talking boll***s.'

AIBU???

If he thinks he's burnt out now wait until he's still doing the same work AND picking up childcare and more domestic labour.

Whatever you decide, don't do anything until have it in fucking blood that he's going to step up in the home.

Agree, it would be useful to know exactly what their financial situation is for starters.

What can they save per month?
What are their debts? (If any)
What is the husband’s work position?
What days/hours does he work?

All we have been told is OP’s routine and work position. The other half, plus the basic financial position, is all crucial to know.

It’s not the same at all. I have a toddler, she has children in full time education. I live in an area with no available childcare that isn’t miles away - her kids are in school. I have 1 child, they decided to have 4 which will cost far more in living and childcare costs. We planned for me to work part time and waited to have children because of saving money - her husband is going back on a similar plan presumably due to the cost of living. If my husband left me, I’d have to go back full time and have stayed in my career for this security.

It’s comparing apples and oranges.

Her husband has clearly stated they are financially struggling or he wouldn’t be kicking off.

In many posts I’ve explained how women’s unpaid labour is invisible work so do read my previous posts.

It’s not beating another woman down to point out that she has available time to work if her family are struggling financially. As others have mentioned, she could tutor when her husband can provide childcare such as evenings and weekends. It does sound like she doesn’t want to disrupt her current routine.

One hundred percent this

The only logical way forward is to grow from what you have. Take on evening and weekend work, for a start. Could you possibly swap the one day of volunteering SEND experience for one day of paid SEND experience which would also count towards your LA job goal?

I'm also tempted to say, walk out for a couple of weeks and leave him to combine full time work with all the kid and household stuff. See if that resets his anti-reality forcefield.

Yes, YABU.
Sorry.

The first thing I got from ops posts is that he's jealous. Op is much more smarter than him and he hates that. He's misogynistic and doesn't like the idea she is doing well and progressing. He can't think much of his mother if he wants to dump his children at her so she can work full time.

I do agree his attitude stinks which is why my first post stated that she should present all the unpaid labour and childcare she does such as school pickups so they can cost up her ‘contribution’ that he doesn’t notice.

It doesn’t change the fact that the kids are in school so she does have 2 additional days she could work to help top up the household but they have to work through this as a couple respectfully.

You are making a lot of assumptions here. Do you know the OP’s address? Her discussions with her OP? How COL has affected them? Because she doesn’t say any of this in her posts.

And again, nowhere does the OP say they are struggling financially. And did you see the part where she says that one of her pregnancies were a result of contraceptive failure?

How about not putting a woman down for doing the exact same thing you are?

How can you possibly say she doesn’t need a day off for housework. With 4 kids, I’d assume a house needs a fair bit of looking after. There’s only 3 of us and I can easily spend a day on housework.

Are you actually struggling financially OP? Are you getting in debt? Are bills being unpaid? If not then he just seems to be a nasty arsehole. If you are, then it’s more complicated. I think we need that info before advising further.

I think that's tough. Family of 6 which I'm hoping they both wanted and agreed to. There's got to be time to deal with the mundane stuff or everyone is just permanently exhausted and miserable.
As for the pressure of being the main breadwinner-isn't that what people (mostly men) have done eons? Single parents are often the main or only breadwinner. We just trot on, without the histrionics.
I think there's something else at the bottom of this that's made OP's husband suddenly panic. Some financial crisis or similar. It can't have come out of a clear blue sky.

I haven’t put her down, you’re reaching. It’s also not doing the exact same thing as me because I have a different career, different number of kids and a different husband. I’m not having a day to volunteer or do housework, I’m looking after a toddler under 2. I also have an established career.

There clearly is money problems or the husband would be keeping the status quo. Either that or his job is in jeopardy (there are a lot of layoffs currently in many sectors).

Switch the sexes though and see how you’d feel then. If my DH was having 2 days a week whilst the kids were in school and money was tight - I’d be expecting him to work FT albeit I’d have come at it a different way.

Even if they are what can the op do?
She can't leave them home alone during half term to go to work. Their parents are old and have health issues so they can't be relied on. Most of her money would have to go on childcare to look after 4 children so what's the point. He's being intentionally difficult because op is doing well within what she can do.

Some of the responses on this thread make me what to scream. It's 2025... Posters stating that if OP goes back to work they'll have to get a full time cleaner, what will be the cost of getting ironing done, list all the jobs that won't be done once you're working and demand he do half. Like this is alien to most people?

Many many households with young kids both work full time and are perfectly capable of making this work. The bar for a perfect house comes down slightly, washing gets done in the evening, housework at weekends and split between the couple with kids absolutely able to tidy their own rooms (mine do at 3 and 5).

Whilst I agree with other posters that the language he has used is unacceptable. Absolutely. But she has stated he is burnt out and clearly struggling. She herself had MH issues and now it sounds like he needs support?

He has stated that he will do more around the house and with the kids and also said his mum has agreed to help with drop offs and pick ups.

Even if, after paying for wrap around care, the OP is only bringing in a couple of extra hundred a month than she is now (which sounds very very little) then that is a big move towards easing the financial burden.

OP, are you close to your household finances? You talk about your partners stresses financially but I'm not clear on whether you actually know your financial position? Do you have family savings? What are you left with at the end of the month after everything is paid? If he is solely in charge of this and the worry associated with it then I understand why he is pushing for OP to get another job.

Or he wants to even the finances up a bit before he leaves for someone else? Would that 'improve' his position in any divorce?

I mentioned housework costs in my post because a lot of women’s worth is based on financial contributions and household work and childcare is seen as expected and not really work. Our worth is our economic value and we’re ‘lucky’ to be at home cleaning and looking after our children.

If you cost up the unpaid labour it often makes people (let’s be honest - men) think about how much they would be spending if you weren’t there picking up the mantle. For some reason putting a price tag on it often gets their gears grinding.

And that's great you obvioulsy have a good partnership.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of men who either don't or won't help. A lot of women work full time and then are expected to run the house as well, their partner happily sitting waiting to be served. Whether it's by design or blindness to the situation it's a sad fact.

And from the answers who are all around what the OP should do (like working evenings or weekends with no change to what HE is doing re housework, childcare etc…. Basically asking her to do both tge WFT and SAHM jobs), no one is asking what he could do - find a better paying job if money is THE issue, ask for flexible hours so she can work later in the afternoon, do some tutoring after school etc….

The fact solutions are based on tge idea she should find a FT job AND sort out all the issues coming with it wo asking for him to step up is interesting in itself

They have 4 children I think she is doing pretty well. She is getting experience so she can get a permanent role. Their twins have started full time school. Op is not going to find a job that quickly. His idea of dumping their children on his mum or her mum says it all. Op said they are not in the best of health so they can't be relied on.

He’s obviously an utter twat and hasn’t thought it through at all.

Has he thought who is going to pick up every you currently do - your updates make it clear that he hasn’t.

Your current situation gives you trajectory for growth into a decently paid role. He wants you to scrap everything you’ve worked on and going into some minimum wage job? What a stupid idea.

And it’s disgraceful that he wants to make a bit of money/ save on wrap around by roping in two women in their 70s who’ve earned their rest!

This kind of shit is why I won't have a man living in my house. It was easier to bring DS up on my own.

This

Yes, I agree that it is often overlooked. I wasn't referring to your posts but more the ones arguing that her OH would need to factor in getting a cleaner etc and so it wouldn't be worth her working when actually most people manage to work full time and do this themselves without outsourcing.

A poster not far above for example exclaimed that she shouldn't work as she couldn't leave the kids at half term. Which is mad! We plan our holidays around half term and use camps etc. It's like some posters think it's still the 1950s and women can't possibly do anything except be at home with the children.

Can you find private students for another day a week? Then you would be working 5 days a week (volunteering is work if unpaid, and giving you the experience you need to step up in employment).

He needs to sit down and talk calmly and rationally about everything. Tell him that if he gets stressed or shouts, then the conversation will stop until he calms down.

Download the MSE budget planner. Cost out your life as it is now, then cost it out with you working fulltime elsewhere and childcare costs.

Ask him how the school runs/housework will be split when you are both working full time. No point scoring, just simple factual discussion. Does he intend to reduce his hours once you earn more? so no extra money actually coming in?

You can only make a joint decision once you both have all of the facts.