OH wants me to leave PT job to work FT....

[GreenLemonHedgehog]

My OH wants me to leave my part time job, it doesn't pay that well although it's term time. I do 3 days pw tutoring. Start at 9 and finish at 2.30. This gives me enough time to collect the kids/school run morning and afternoon. We have 4 children, they are at primary school.

My 2 days off; one day is spent on washing, housework, errands. The other day is spent volunteering for a SEND organisation. I advise parents on the phone, help with the EHCP process and other things. I plan to move into a local authority role in a year's time, which has scope for progression as kids get older, better salary and flexible/home working with liklihood of term time working. (I had an interview recently for this very job, it went really well but they needed a little more experience and asked me to keep in touch.)

OH and I agreed this was a good plan and both happy with it. Now he's exploding,
telling me to leave my job and just get a better paid job anywhere else, doing anything. He feels weighed down as the breadwinner and wants more from me financially. He's told me he expects me to bring in 2k pm to lift the burden. I'm no where near that. I have an 8y gap in employment due to children and had a rough time with my MH during that time. I've just started dipping back in and now feel completely responsible for his satisfaction with life and money.

I've explained I'm trying to help as much as I can, and my wage goes into the pot. I've explained we need to think about school runs, him wanting me to just go and find anything else will mean unlikehood of term time working, or hours not compatible with school, who will care for the children? 4 is a lot. The school run wrap around care but it is expensive, £400 pm for 4 children.

I want to contribute more but I'm struggling with his expectations, which I feel are quite demanding and unrealistic. It's caused a huge argument and he is now passively aggressively sending me jobs to apply for.

He says I'm not doing enough to contribute financially, I feel like he only sees money as worth and can't see anything else. He works very hard, long hours/early mornings, I know he is feeling burnt out. We've gone through finances and cut backs.

I feel like I'm juggling a lot already. I get the feeling he resents me, feeling I have the 'easy ride,' which I don't feel is fair at all.

When I try to explain my feelings or respond to his views, I'm dismissed and 'talking boll***s.'

AIBU???

The OP IS doing what she has to for her family. In the longer term she will get a better-paid job. For now, yes, sure, her DH is earning more money, but what she is doing for her family, as well as contributing to the pot, is household work and admin, childcare and the considerable mental load that goes along with all that. If they costed it up with a paid cleaner, nanny/babysitter/au pair, and whatever else, I'm pretty sure they would find that the OP's services come very cheap.

He'll be one of those (almost invariably) men who just don't see the family/home workload being carried by their female partner.

Well, quite. But it seems everyone is jumping the gun and vilifying the partner here when the reality could be quite different. I don’t doubt that OP is stressed. It’s a big life adjustment. It takes time and consideration to implement the right action.

The first step in my opinion would be to try and sit down, communicate, and weigh up options. Not prematurely apply for any old job here and there either. It needs to work as a process and a system for the whole family.

To be honest they both sound understandably stressed and when we feel that way we tend to get tunnel vision. That’s when arguments ensue and it can harm the relationship.

I guess the point I want to make is that it needs to work for both of them, and there is a human on his side as well that could quite understandably be struggling and feeling somewhat resentful as well. These things take time. It’s such a big change and adjustment.

Key difference here - we don’t need more money.

Exactly this. Suggesting 'his mum' as the answer very much demonstrates exactly how much thought he's put into how this work gets done. Not to mention which sex he assumes will/should do it.

Would you also HATE to have the entire family mostly reliant on your domestic labour? Because that is the flip side here. And I think it would genuinely be gross to even ask two women in their 70s to take care of 4 young children (including a set of twins) for any length of time.

It sounds like something has gone very wrong with his job and he’s anticipating being sacked or demoted. Therefore not able to bring in the same money he has been, can you ask him how things are at work? Or will he just be an arse?

I don’t think he’s understanding you, but (and by his lack of communication) you’re not understanding him either.

You’ve rolled along this way for 8yrs (by my calculations), so something has clearly changed financially – and something potentially severe.

Financial issues can be the WORST for people sticking their head in the sand. Your husband should be treating you like a team member and not as though you are on the opposing side.

Alas, severe stress will often do that in a marriage, and particularly with men who are less likely to have and make use of emotional outlets. It’s a real systemic problem.

I don’t think it’s worth going into all the ins and outs of your earnings, his earnings, childcare costs, working days etc – because it’s somewhat irrelevant. Almost all working families face these same problems, so it’s not the real problem.

The real problem is the communication in your marriage. You don’t know what’s financially going. He’s not telling you. Should you have to go to lengths to expect this basic communication and to be treated like an equal partner? No. But, currently, you are where you are and you’ve got the relationship you’ve got, and the financial issue isn’t going anywhere, whether you’re at loggerheads or not.

I suggests you ask him to sit down with you as soon as you can and go through all the household income and outgoings. Include looking at savings, investments etc too. All of it. Understand, completely, the situation, and go from there.

WSS

Most families/couples both have to work full time in order to provide. Unless you are very well off or have access to free childcare, I don’t know many couples with this kind of set up, especially when there are 4 primary school children…

Growing up, both of my parents had to work full-time. I was looked after a lot by grandparents.

Speak HIS language.
pI think you need to hit him with the cost of wraparound care x 4 as well as a cleaner and home delivery for groceries and take away food. He’s not going to chip in with the domestic drudgery.
You’re also going to have to write out all the regular medical, dental, allied health appointments and tell him that he’s going to have to do at least half if not more.
Then kids activities. Sports, hobbies, music lessons, etc.
You’ll do what you can, but you’ll be working overtime to kick off your career so that you can earn enough.
See where this goes.

Where in OP’s posts does she say they need more money? And exactly how would needing to find childcare for 4 children (including outside of term time) lead to them having more money if the OP gets a FT job? Some financial literacy would be useful here.

And how about not beating a woman down when you are doing exactly the same thing she is?

Further up in the thread I made this exact point that a woman’s unpaid labour if often ignored by their husbands and she should cost it out and present it to him.

However, I work part time because I have a toddler and we can’t get childcare that isn’t miles away and costs thousands which would negate the benefits of both parents working full time. The OPs children are in school so those days are essentially available to use (I did make the point that keeping a home is a lot of work in many posts here to add). But, when money is tight those are days that could be in the workforce.

The OP has a day to volunteer (so no housework, childcare) which I can see could cause resentment for her husband. If money is tight then it is hard to see the bigger picture especially with 4 kids. Thats my point.

I'd be starting private tutoring on a Saturday (mornings in initially), plenty of demand for that and you can set a really good rate, and leave the 4 kids for DH to sort....😂

This is a good idea.

How do you know what 'most' families and couples have to do? My family was like this too, but I'm not going to assume that nearly everybody is the same.

And possibly more to the point, the and her husband have previously talked about the set-up and agreed on it. He's now moved the goalposts, and (even less acceptably) is behaving badly, 'exploding' and telling her she's talking bollocks when she tries to discuss the situation sensibly with him.
I do think something might have changed or be about to change with his job that's worrying him; and I've acknowledged already that he might be close to burning out. But he needs to sit and discuss it properly and calmly and respectfully with his partner, not just be dismissive and swear at her.

I can see from his point of view he's exhausted carrying the stress of earning the money meanwhile you have so much time on your hands you are volunteering. Your setup isn't 50/50, you have a much easier life and aren't contributing the same as your husband. Your children are at school, they aren't babies, you need to come up with a fairer way to do things, I'd suggest you go full-time and allow him to drop a day. You could look for a compressed hours job that way in holidays you only have 3 days of childcare to find (and only 3 days wraparound in term time) and you both have a day off in the week. Your current setup isn't fair, I wouldn't be happy if I was your husband.

If she works 5 days and gives up the volunteering then she doesn't get the job she wants. To tutor around her children in the weekends is a non starter. I would carry on with what she is doing.

I work in healthcare and read a lot of statistics.

Your language is interesting and we dont know if he has changed the goal posts as such or simply asked if she can work more hours somehow. We also don’t know if his “exploding” is stress related. Again, I’m just encouraging some perspective shifts. I’m also open to the fact that you could also be right in that he’s being wildly unreasonable.

in this economy, it’s also not ideal to rely on one income. It’s not particularly secure.

There are a lot of missing pieces in the context of this situation for me.

If money is tight then it is hard to see the bigger picture especially with 4 kids. The OP doesn't say exactly that money is tight, just that her husband has started saying resentful and, frankly, offensive things about her and the kids using up the money and she doesn't earn enough and contribute enough.

Lots of things are hard when you have a family and mortgage and everything that comes along with that. Being dismissive, swearing at your partner, giving flip answers difficult and complicated questions etc is not the way to deal with them. Neither is threatening her that he will sell the house she starts earning more.

My DP and I are currently facing a lot of difficult financial questions and decisions, so, believe me, I know about the bigger picture and financial pressures. But we speak to each other respectfully and refrain from swearing or dismissing each other when we're discussing these things. This man is behaving like a bully.

The op does unpaid voluntary work one day a week....that could be paid work on an extension of her existing contract. Voluntary work is a luxury they can't afford. Twins are hard but easier at school. Obviously the more paid work she does the more he needs to do at home....but with 4 school kids and her being home from 4 she has a bit more time than him. Before he gets in...once he's in they both should step up....but at the moment she has one day housework and one day off doing her own volunteering that isn't fair.

What jobs are there for her to work during school hours. He's being a twat for expecting elderly parents to care for their children. Especially if their health is not great. Why did he continue having children if he can't cope. Op is doing her best. Someone has to cook and clean or it's neglect.

We absolutely do know that he's changed the goalposts. The OP says, 'Four weeks ago we agreed the plan was to continue as I am for 1 year then head into something better with progression, better wage and flexibility.' Asking if she can work more hours very obviously is changing the goalposts.
I've said that I know he sounds close to burning out, and I'm sure the way he's behaving and speaking is reflective of that. I've also said, though, that he needs to be able to think and discuss all this calmly and respectfully with his partner or nothing productive will come out of it.
They do not rely on one income; they rely on one higher income and one lower income that is supplemented with household/childcare/life admin that would otherwise cost money.

YABU.