OH wants me to leave PT job to work FT....

[GreenLemonHedgehog]

My OH wants me to leave my part time job, it doesn't pay that well although it's term time. I do 3 days pw tutoring. Start at 9 and finish at 2.30. This gives me enough time to collect the kids/school run morning and afternoon. We have 4 children, they are at primary school.

My 2 days off; one day is spent on washing, housework, errands. The other day is spent volunteering for a SEND organisation. I advise parents on the phone, help with the EHCP process and other things. I plan to move into a local authority role in a year's time, which has scope for progression as kids get older, better salary and flexible/home working with liklihood of term time working. (I had an interview recently for this very job, it went really well but they needed a little more experience and asked me to keep in touch.)

OH and I agreed this was a good plan and both happy with it. Now he's exploding,
telling me to leave my job and just get a better paid job anywhere else, doing anything. He feels weighed down as the breadwinner and wants more from me financially. He's told me he expects me to bring in 2k pm to lift the burden. I'm no where near that. I have an 8y gap in employment due to children and had a rough time with my MH during that time. I've just started dipping back in and now feel completely responsible for his satisfaction with life and money.

I've explained I'm trying to help as much as I can, and my wage goes into the pot. I've explained we need to think about school runs, him wanting me to just go and find anything else will mean unlikehood of term time working, or hours not compatible with school, who will care for the children? 4 is a lot. The school run wrap around care but it is expensive, £400 pm for 4 children.

I want to contribute more but I'm struggling with his expectations, which I feel are quite demanding and unrealistic. It's caused a huge argument and he is now passively aggressively sending me jobs to apply for.

He says I'm not doing enough to contribute financially, I feel like he only sees money as worth and can't see anything else. He works very hard, long hours/early mornings, I know he is feeling burnt out. We've gone through finances and cut backs.

I feel like I'm juggling a lot already. I get the feeling he resents me, feeling I have the 'easy ride,' which I don't feel is fair at all.

When I try to explain my feelings or respond to his views, I'm dismissed and 'talking boll***s.'

AIBU???

My DP and I work full time and share household chores after work or at the weekend. We both use annual or parental leave. We don’t live in the 1950s.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-66866879?app-referrer=deep-link

and with 4 kids… most people have maybe 1 or 2 - not 4. That’s a lot of work.

I would get a divorce if my husband spoke to me like that, and I'd expect to be served papers if I spoke to him like that. What a wanker.

If you split how many school runs could he do on his time?

Really?
This guy is at breaking point with his MH and you want the OP to prove a point by making his life more difficult whilst she works part time 3 short days a week?

OP you need to ask your employer for 3 more days or evenings/weekends.

Jointly work on a plan for childcare. If his parents can do a few afternoons and yours can do the rest you only need before school.

Everyone has to make sacrifices and it appears your set up has been supporting you but at the detriment of your DP MH.

Compromise needs to be found now.

£2k take home is a salary of around £30k gross, so above minimum wage. 40 hrs at minimum wage is circa £25k.

Returning to full time is fine but you need to point out that he’d have to step up with housework and child care/school runs. Would he be happy with that? Sounds like he wants the best of both worlds, a full time working wife but no day to day responsibility for running the family.

I agree.

Whilst I think volunteering is a luxury, being spoken down to for unpaid childcare and house work would really rub me up the wrong way. As a mother I’m constantly ‘working’ and drained, if my DH basically made out this was worthless I’d go postal. And I don’t even have 4 kids!

He had a part to play in bringing 4 kids into the world so shouldn’t take it out on her for his inability to earn more money. He should’ve come at this like a partnership and explained to her the issue with finances and come up with a respectable solution that prioritises the family.

Well, one response would be to get together all the figures and info on costs of childcare (and obviously his mum or your mum are not the answer), after-school clubs, holiday clubs, anything else that would become a cost if you went FT.
And talk through the logistics of drop-off/pickup, holiday care, housework/shopping/home admin/school admin etc.

But honestly, the way he's acting – 'exploding', wanting you to 'just' get a better paid job anywhere else, doing anything, dismissing you, telling you you're talking bollocks – makes it sound like either there's more going on for him than he's said, or he's just being a cunt.
I hope it's the former, because you have a fighting chance of sorting that out. Is it his job? Is he seriously about to burn out? If so, how can you both and his employer address that? Is his job at risk? If so, you need to talk about that (what else can he do, what savings buffer do you have etc).

Of course to do any of this you need to have a discussion, calmly, practically, and without 'exploding' and all the other things he's been doing. Only you know if that's possible.

One parent staying at home or working part time to do childcare etc only works whilst the working parent is in agreement.

Your DP has changed his mind and whilst I don’t agree with the majority of his logic nor the way he’s gone about it, I don’t think you have much of a choice. The day of house work and day of volunteering need to go. Even if you can’t pick up your hours tutoring can you see if you can get a job in a supermarket? Most of them offer 8 hour contracts. But DP needs to up his share of the housework.

I would be hacked off if I was carrying the load and expressed this to my DH and he was still swanning about with volunteer work.

You say he threatens to sell your house… are you married? Is your name on the mortgage?

And by the way, the OP volunteering is NOT a luxury; she does it with a view to getting into better-paid work/more hours of work, and, as she recently had a very positive interview for a job in this area, it will clearly bear fruit. So people need to wind their necks in with the judgey and snitty comments on that.

@GreenLemonHedgehog

Your career plan sounds amazing. Well done you.

Apply for the jobs he is sending you.

Then reply with a document called Family Plan or similar outlining:

The pick ups and drop offs he will need to do including prepping uniforms, snacks etc
The family admin tasks he will need to pick up ( eg you do dentist, he does optician) including the ones that fall on working days
The split of cooking evening meals
House chores - laundry etc - rota or a bill for cleaner/housekeeping/ironing service
Gardening and house maintenance etc
School holiday cover
Split of annual leave to cover holidays, half terms etc
Confirmation that sick days for kids will
need to be shared

Etc

Do not feel beholden to this man. You have done an amazing job raising 4 kids. He has had a soft life. He just doesn't know it yet. It’s time to show him.

If he has some issue at work or is under financial pressure he needs to sit down like a grown up and have a mature conversation with you.

He does not get to bully you and try to throw his weight around with knee jerk demands.

This, he could be hitting out, knowing his job is being cut/ hours, etc.

All the morons saying LTB are just laughable. I'd put good money that there is something behind this, bad debts, loss of job/hours etc.

It's not about school runs or childcare cost. Tutoring online can be done easily at times when children are at school or sleeping. I know 'cause we've paid a lot for this as DS is doing now his 11+. It was 25 pounds per hour at the least. Lots of companies/intermediaries pay much less than this, but even with 30 hours per week done when children are at school/at the weekends, OP will earn 1500+ per month at the least. No need for childcare. And very often there is as much housework as one can plan - you can do less, shopping online, vacuum every 3 days, wipe the kitchen in the evening, wash the floors once per week and batch-cook - it doesn't have to be perfect and older kids can help. I know mums who work night shifts, so that the family has food to eat. Sadly, it doesn't strike me that OP is particularly interested in earning more money at all, from the tone of her very defensive posts. And sadly, lots of SAHMs here with rich husbands, cheering her on.
I'm sorry but I see on this forum so many ladies makings threads about "he's leaving me and I haven't worked FT for 15+ years..." it's sad to read and isn't it the way the resentment usually starts? Like someone said above, it's not the 1950s.

I’m sorry but it is. A lot of us have to use that day to work and can’t partake in things we want - even if that is worthwhile charity work. I think that’s where people are coming from.

Hi OP,
The work you are doing currently- and juggling with 4 kids sounds amazing.
You and your partner do need to cover holidays between you as planning a Grandma 70+ can look after 4 kids for weeks at a time is ridiculous.

Your husband sounds pretty nasty - I appreciate he might be stressed about money but if so he should be discussing with you what you can do as a team.

If he wants you to try to anything like decent full time at the very least he needs to commit to doing mornings or afternoons with the kids - getting them ready and taking them to school or picking them up - even if that is to/from breakfast club or after school club. That would free you up to do shifts like 6-2 or 2-10.

Personally I would look at extra work at the weekend. Then your partner can put his money where his mouth is about looking after the kids. Lots of places are looking for seasonal workers now. Get yourself nice long Saturday/Sunday shifts and enjoy watching your partner look after the kids on his own. Warn him if he does a shit job you will have to quit the job as the kids come first.

And what about the OP’s MH? She has had 4 kids in 4 years including a set of twins. The fact that she is even in a position to work 3 days a week deserves a medal as far as I’m concerned. I really despair at the misogyny shown on this site sometimes.

OP: if he is questioning your value then I would do the following:

1. Calculate exactly how much it would cost to pay for childcare while you are working FT (and do not take any help from yours/his mother into consideration. The fact that he expects two other women to pick up the slack for him is disgusting by the way-why hasn’t he volunteered his/your dad here?)
2. Calculate exactly how much it would cost to hire a cleaner/laundry service etc if you are working FT (because I am betting he won’t be picking up the housework 50/50)
3. Calculate exactly how much it would cost to sort general life stuff (e.g. shopping, admin, taking the kids to appointments etc)

Then present the above to him and show him exactly how much “value” you bring to the table. And if he wants you to go back FT then you need to be able to secure all of the above help at the cost it is, plus he needs to do everything else 50/50.

Do not let him grind you down. Working FT is a lot easier than raising 4 kids.

Is it worth then looking at doing private tutoring? As someone who users a private tutor I know they can charge quite a lot! I know the tutor we use has a lot of business from children who are home schooled for various reasons so opportunity for day work rather than after school work. You could try and kick start that on your additional day you have now and then if it takes off start to increase your days doing private tutoring and cut down the days you do agency tutoring to earn more money. Keep the 1 day for doing the SEN work as it is so that keeps your furure career plans alive. If you were able to tutor SEN students through private tutoring, that might help your long term career plans too.

I would HATE to have the entire family mostly reliant on my income - although I do have an income essentially we all depend on DH's income, fortunately he is comfortable with that but I could totally understand if he wasn't. So I sort of get your DH's point BUT his attitude stinks, especially if you agreed a plan very recently as you say.

it's not reasonable for him to assert your need to work full time without assessing a. the practical implications (including on him) and b. the financial implications of wraparound and holiday childcare - which may ultimately mean that you working more doesn't bring in any extra money .

(I will say this gets a lot easier as kids get older but you're not at that point yet.)

I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask your mum to help out once a week if she is reasonably local. You need to ask him to ask his mum realistically how much she can help too.

However it sounds like he's burnt out and in a panic and taking it all out on you which isn't fair.

The OP isn't doing 'worthwhile charity work'; she's working towards a better-paid career for herself and her family. It's career development and planning.

Have you read the updates?

Again - some of us would love to ‘develop our careers’ and do something worthwhile.

Unfortunately, a lot of us are doing what we have to for our family.

Id have loved to give up work completely and be a SAHM (and I have a pretty great career in a male industry). Unfortunately, I have to work in a job I hate part time due to our plans. It’s called family sacrifice.

Do you think all men are satisfied in their jobs and don’t have lofty aspirations? I’d hazard a guess they aren’t.

Sounds like lots of assumptions have been made here. How do we know that for sure? Many women/people make inaccurate assumptions about men in my experience. How do we know that he simply doesn’t just want some more financial support so he’s not shouldering the burden? How do we know he’s not willing to do more around the house and more childcare?

This is the problem with MN I find that so many assumptions are made, and it can lead to and maintain unhelpful beliefs about the other sex.

Well, that's an oversimplification. If you have 4 young DC, there is a hell lot of extra work on. Plus school runs and holiday childcare. It's not simply anymore about who earn what but just as much about who DOES what. Imagine all full time working parents would check out of parenting??? I never understood this argument.

Is the wrap around care £400 per month for 4 children or £400 each per month (£1600 for 4 children)?

It seems likely its the second one in which case even if you earn £400 per month take home you 'earn' £2k take home due to not paying this. Which is a resonably high salary. And that doesnt even factor in school holidays.

Why can your husband not see this? Is he mistaken on how much childcare costs? Abusive? Depressed/ burnt out and needing a break? Only you can know.

So you’re working PT just like the OP? Why aren’t you prioritising your family more and working FT then?