To think I parented very poorly this morning

[HuckleberryBlackcurrant]

My kids, 6&8 missed the bus because of fighting in the bathroom while they were supposed to be brushing their teeth. This is an ongoing issue, they always fight while brushing their teeth.

The bus only waits for a few seconds and I was yelling at them to hurry and it was right outside our house, they missed it by seconds. I threw their school bags to the floor, slammed the door and snapped at them.

I feel like shit. The kids were so sad as I drove them to school, said I scared them by throwing the bags. I don't usually overreact like that.

I apologized profusely and plan on chatting with them when they get home but I feel like the worst mum in the world.

I'm open to any and all comments re this. My Mum used to act the same way and I hated it and thought I'd be different.

@BrendaSmall

I was thinking they should be able to do it by themselves by now

Dentists in my country advise still brushing for them until around 9 or 10 years old because they don't have the skills to do it properly before then though I do get my 7 year old to brush himself sometimes, for practice.

At the ages of 6 & 8 I’m sure they still need some guidance, I know what my grandchildren are like at that age if left alone

This! Kids act like little shits, get bollocked by mum, are sad about it. Boohoo, maybe they’ll learn to behave in future.

No judgement here. No parent is perfect. We all have days where we have less patience than the day before, and I’ll bet most on here have snapped at their child or had a mini tantrum at some point. Being a parent is bloody hard work.

It's horrible when you self reflect that you've gone too far but the important thing is that you reconcile after. Anger is an emotion too and shouldn't be ignored but explaining why you were so cross is what makes the difference in your children's eyes.

We also get a school bus outside our house. With somewhat variable timing so I feel your pain. Thank god though they do wait though!

Our morning routine I split my kids up entirely because they argued and pissed about so much. So the faster one (my DD) gets breakfast first and then goes and gets ready, and the slower one (my DS) has to get dressed first and then comes and eats breakfast. Seems to work for us and no overlap in the bathroom.

Our bus is supposed to come at 8.35 but in reality comes any time between 8.30 and 8.40. We’re always ready by 8.30 and then they can wait in the garden on in the porch. Gives a bit of overlap for slowness!

No choices. I decide what they’re having for breakfast. It’s basically the same every day though so it’s not a big deal. I do lunches, pack bags and sort uniform the night before (but there’s always the odd day where it doesn’t go to plan)

Your kids were messing about and missed the bus. You were angry. I think that’s normal. Ok it’s not great to shout and throw things but maybe it’ll teach them that they do need to listen.

Forgot to say my DS likes cereal and toast for breakfast so if he’s too slow (I do give him warnings) then there’s no time for toast and that’s it he goes without. He soon worked that out for himself and has been much better recently.

Poor parenting, yes, but the fact you feel bad about and want to fix it shows you're not a bad mum. Nobody's perfect! I lost it with my DS one time (shouted, burst into tears) which gave him a real fright. I apologised to him, explained that I was feeling frustrated and that's ok, but that I promised I would try my hardest to regulate my big feelings (because if I can't model that for him, how will he learn?). We talked together about how we could both do better. They're old enough to understand that anger is ok and normal, but learn to express it in a healthy way.

They repeated a behaviour they've been warned about before, they ignored your warning the bus was going to leave, and as a direct result of their behaviour you had to drive them to school.

What is the reason you didn't want them to be aware that they had made you angry?

It's ok - you're only human and it sounds like it doesn't usually happen. You did the right thing by apologising to them and so look at it as a learning curve for them on how to behave after doing something in the heat of the moment. Quite frankly I would be pretty fucked off too if I had to drive them to school

Don't beat yourself up OP, we have all done that at some point.
Getting kids sorted for school in the morning is stressful

This used to happen sometimes in my family.

DC also have a bus to catch. After missing it and / or me getting angry about it, I realised that time pressure is a big trigger for my anger. Now we have a plan to follow and the kids know what is expected of them. And there is plenty of buffer time in case of fights/ eating verrrry slowly/ lost items etc.

So now I get up and have a cup of coffee in peace. I get their breakfast ready then get them up.

07:00 kids up and have have breakfast. If they’re don’t eat deathly slow, they have time to play

07:30 get dressed, toilet and brush teeth. If they are quick, they can play some more (this doesn’t happen often!)

07:45 Get shoes and coats on

07:50 leave to get the bus

It works really well and I wish I had done it sooner!

You also have a toddler?! You are doing amazingly not to be shouting all the time!

I went to a parenting seminar once where they discussed kids not getting their act together going out the door. One piece of advice that stayed with me was they said if your kid misses the bus and you need to drive them, make sure they are late. Late enough to be upset, possibly told off and have everyone see them walk in. If you get there on time you have taught them nothing. I thought it was good advice!

The first toothbrushing kid was much more at fault here than the second. Obviously you need to address this. As for the tantrum it's understandable and maybe no harm they saw you are capable of this. I agree you should apologise for your behaviour but don't go on too much, just apologise once for your tone and throwing bags etc but not for what you said. They need to know they caused the problem, not you.

I think you’re overreacting over the overreaction!!! On the ‘my mum used to do that’ front, I think as we get older we realise the things we thought were something we’d never do that we actually do become less and less, now with one adult and three children i identify soooo much with my mum!! Losing it sometimes is ok, it’s when it’s a regular thing it’s a problem and needs to be thought about and figured out

eta 6 and 8 are very young, it’s great to get them into good habits but they are very young

You’re being super hard on yourself. I don’t think it will have done them any harm to realise how frustrated you are as a consequence of their messing about.

You sound a lovely mum OP - reflective and considered. I have relatively poor emotional regulation (mix of childhood and having way too much going on) and more often than I would like lose my rag and act like a child. I wouldn’t worry any more about it.

I don't think you are a bad parent, if you were it's unlikely you're DC would have told you that you scared them.

said I scared them by throwing the bags.

Hopefully it has scared them enough to learn to behave in the morning. I would have demanded silence in the car rather than their feeling sorry for themselves.

Do not fret. Everyone has a threshold & you reached yours. Your kids won't remember that time mum threw down their school bag. Give yourself a break.

Only thing you did wrong was apologise to them for shouting. They deserved to be shouted at IMO

Agree, they behaved like brats so they deserved it. Hope they learned a good lesson.

That sounds like great advice. Still getting there on time (by the skin of your teeth) doesn't really get the message across. Kids having to deal with the school’s reaction to being late will hit a lot harder. The embarrassment of walking into a settled class, the apology to the form teacher etc will ensure better future behaviour.

@BunnyLake the interesting thing is it was a seminar on adhd. It's off point for this thread obviously but they were talking about strategies to help kids get organised and taking responsibility for getting somewhere on time, despite their adhd. It was a few years ago and it's interesting that they took that angle and not to ask for allowances to be made.

OMG, the poor little snowflakes, having completely ignored your instructions, you snapped at them. So what!

I'd be more worried about your parenting at every other time if this is your reaction to losing your temper with them. Nobody is saying you should shout at them all the time, but equally nobody is saying you can never do it. Sometimes children’s behaviour justifies it.