DSD picking newborn up and putting him back in Moses basket

[Pinkpetal9999]

My DSD (12) was visiting, our newborn is 4 weeks old and still has a delicate neck. I am happy with DSD holding her brother as long as one of us has put him in a position that keeps his neck supported. She will hold him from time to time if we are in another room.

However to my horror the other day I saw her taking him out of his Moses basket and putting him back.

Am I being unreasonable in that I feel that’s a step too far?

@MissDoubleU given that you are on mumsnet, I’m going to assume you have children. Therefore I am going to make a guess-timate that you could be around 30 years old minimum. So you are talking about what your mum did 20 years ago… times change.

The kids can have as much fun with their brother in 8 weeks time, they’ll be just fine.

It’s quite hilarious that people think picking up and removing a child from a moses basket is the only way they could possibly bond. Jesus wept

A lot of people think the fact that OP called her SDC a "visitor" was relevant to the context in the OP for several reasons. It is suggestive of how OP views the SDC's place in the family, and the nature of the relationship; this also comes out in the fact that OP is nervous to raise this issue with her SDC and describes her as being "sensitive".

It sounds like the SDC is an outsider in the family and that SDC is (therefore) insecure about her position within it, which would also naturally make her very sensitive to any criticism.

Many posters felt that this was the pertinent issue in the OP - more so than a 12 year old picking up her baby sibling - and advised OP accordingly.

This may not have been the type of advice OP expected or wanted, but this is AIBU. You post inviting others to evaluate your behaviour and advise according to that evaluation. That is what pp's have done. Nothing wrong with that at all, except where people were being gratuitously rude.

‘Is it reasonable to ask a12yo child not to pick up a 4 week old baby and to wait for us to put the baby in her arms?’.

I’m not talking about what my mother allowed, but rather what I was perfectly capable of doing at that age without any risk to the baby. I just don’t understand why you have such an issue with this. Your DSD is not 6, 7, even 8 years old. She’s a whole 12. Why do you not think she’s capable to safely lift a baby and hold them?

@Blessthismess2 I’d be the same with my niece as she is sensitive. Children can be sensitive without any additional childhood trauma.

I only said I didn’t want to embarrass her, as she generally whether it be with me, her dad, her mum or my in laws gets quite upset or embarrassed if she thinks she hasn’t done something correctly. Yes in hindsight there are ways it could be worded to prevent that. But in that moment by mentioning something I believed it would do more harm than good for her confidence.

@MissDoubleU did I say she’s not capable, I said I’m not comfortable with her or my son until he is able to hold his head picking him up or putting him back in his Moses basket. Putting him back I would say is a bit easier but rather than confuse the matter we are mostly always in the room so we can do it for them

@Blessthismess2 i would say I have been onboard with a lot of advice given or opinions. People do things differently I don’t have an issue with peoples opinions at all. What my problem has been is people purposely misunderstanding my posts or being horrendously rude because they want an argument or to spew hatred on the internet. It’s pretty SHOCKING that these people are actually parents.

So whilst people may not agree with how I’m feeling, I am very bloody glad that I won’t be raising my children whilst acting like that to strangers.

You're being ridiculous. Unless OP's physical contact with her step-daughter's dad could hurt his delicate neck, this is an absurd comparison.

What is it about this "visiting" lark?
What would you call it, seeing as she doesn't live there?

And it wasn't "too awkward to talk to her"
She's a sensitive girl (as they often are at that age) and OP was concerned about embarrassing her.

And god forbid that a post natal hormonal mother should get mixed up about WHEN the baby cried exactly.

And as for "nit picking" I think you'll find that most mothers of 4 week olds are too exhausted and confused to even think straight, never mind nit pick.

So well done for supporting a concerned mother of step daughter and 4 week old baby.

You don't come across very well in your post, do you?

I know that the OP has explained re the visiting comment, but the fact she even said it in the first place says to a lot of us is that she doesn't view her dsd as part of the family.
I didn't say that she SAID it's too awkward to talk to her, but implied it because of her dsd's supposed sensitivity and embarrassment.

If she is capable of lifting the baby safely, then let her.

If she isn’t capable of lifting the baby safely then don’t leave the baby alone with her.

Don’t leave your baby alone in a room with a sibling that may harm your baby. I would really really avoid telling her she isn’t allowed to hold the baby without you, as it will seem like you don’t trust her. At 12 she will think she can do it, and resent you (and then the baby) for thinking she can’t. So just don’t let the situation arise, by keeping the baby with you when DSD is there.

This is a short term problem. A few more months and the baby will be robust enough to be picked up and help by DSD. Just control the situation (not the DSD!) until then.

Your son hasn't had the same treatment though has he?

You've not written a thread about him picking your baby up, and how horrified you were have you?
And you've not explained why it's ok to leave your baby with someone you don't even trust to pick up, you're irresponsible for not ensuring you are secure in the knowledge that your baby could be dealt with in an emergency, like if he were to choke and you're out the room.

Chill. You are over thinking this..

Not the point of your thread @Pinkpetal9999 but if he doesn’t improve, ask them to consider CMPA. It’s very common but still not well understood by some GP’s

Your baby doesn’t have to be regurgitating or vomiting either… a cows milk protein allergy can cause silent reflux… often confused with colic.

Ps… love your no nonsense replies! Congrats on the baby!

That's an awful lot of assumptions with zero evidence, other than how you personally interpret two words of language.

Your son hasn't had the same treatment though has he?

Yes he has. Read OP's posts.

You've not written a thread about him picking your baby up, and how horrified you were have you?

Her son hasn't tried picking the baby up. Read OP's posts.

you're irresponsible for not ensuring you are secure in the knowledge that your baby could be dealt with in an emergency, like if he were to choke and you're out the room.

Baby is 4 weeks' old. Can you clarify how long OP has been out of hospital or how many times the DSD has met the baby? Can you clarify that both the parents haven't told the 12 and 11yr old children what to do in an emergency? (Call for or immediately get a parent strikes me as the most obvious answer rather than to pick up a 4 week old, choking baby).

Yes well maybe she picked him up BECAUSE
he was screaming.

Yep, sadly those days are almost gone. Although, there are still a few well meaning, supportive threads if you look around 😊

Or completely ignorant of the facts, as yourself.
In my humble opinion.

I was folding clothes in my kitchen which is attached to my living room (where kids were), so just to confirm I hadn’t left the house and gone for a mile long walk. I also have asked kids if any issues to give me or dad a shout. Also I can confirm he was asleep and not screaming when picked up. Screaming occurred mid/after

but very pointless to clarify as majority won’t read it anyway

@Petitchat I actually think there are a lot of helpful, constructive responses, whether they agree with my choices or not. But unfortunately they have been lost in between the high volume of bullies.

I think the double standards on this website now are just mind boggling. As I said certain PP would support a mother who screamed I hate you at her child, but is disgusted at the fact I’m not comfortable with my DSD (because let’s face the facts the hateful responses have not included their disgust to my son) picking up my youngest until they are able to stabilise their head/neck.
I would never in a billion years spew hatred on a post I didn’t agree with, it’s actually incredibly sad to know these people are mothers.

Talk to both 11yo and 12yo about how to pick up the baby safely so you are not singling out the 12yo. Treat both the same. Demonstrate for them both. Then let each have a turn.

They won't know unless you show them!

re the visiting comment, but the fact she even said it in the first place

What should she have said then, considering DSD doesn't live there?
So far, the only suggestion we've had was
being present with her family

What would you suggest? * *

Tbh I don't think this is unique to blended families, even full blood siblings would need to be shown the ropes of holding a newborn safely at these ages. I had a 10yo and 7yo when my youngest was born 8 years ago. They had to be shown.

Who's this to? All the haters or the new mother?