Furious with DP over money - but AIBU because he’s “stressed”

[NeedyJoker]

My DP is going through some stressful life events at the moment. His child’s mother has decided to move abroad and DSD is with us. She’s obviously upset but she loves being here and we love her being here too.

DP is woeful with money. He regularly spends all his wages on hobbies, takeaways etc. recently I’ve had to pay the mortgage alone. He just wastes it.

Anyway, he’s not been paid in full for July as he took unpaid leave. He got about £1000 and I didn’t see a penny of it. Spent on shit.

I’ve paid for food, DSD nursery, bills, mortgage, dinners out for us, days out for DSD, a weekend away (already booked before all this) with DP and DSD. I’ve spent thousands in July. This was with the understanding that August pay would be back to normal for him.

He told me he’d get his pay check in full today.

He received £350 only.

I said what are we going to do this month? He said, well the same as last month.

I am furious. I will now have to use my savings, and pay for everything again.

DP has said I’ve “got an attitude”, and that my tone was “kicking him when he’s down” when everything’s going on for him.

He said I need to “pick my moments to bring it up”, as it’s pulled him right back down into depression.

He said he doesn’t have time to do his hobby now as he’s struggling financially. He said he thought I didn’t care about money - I don’t, but I’m not a bank?

He is stressed, I get it. But some forethought would help!

This will not get any better. You can not stay with him just for his dd.
You need to get out, he has no money but can find money for his weed habit? He will never change and he sees you as a cash cow. He's kicking off when you try and talk about finances because that way he'll make sure that it gets to the point where you're too scared to talk to him about money at all and he can just carry on doing what he's doing with no recourse.
You will not have a happy life with him.
Whose house is the name in?

Leave him. It won’t get any better and he will drag you down and leave you financially broken. He will then move on to the next woman who can do his childcare and pay his bills. It could take you years to get financial security back. You’re worth more and deserve better. It’s sad for his daughter but it also enables him to avoid taking real responsibility if he can get you to do it all.

This is your life if you stay with him Op. Don't have children with him.

You are crazy for being with this utter loser. The choice is simple.

leave him, he just expects you to play mum to DSD and pay for them both while he squanders around. It wont improve.

Do you mind me asking how old you both are? The fact that he spending loads of money on cannabis and not able to cater for his child’s basic needs is a massive red flag, and smoking vast amounts of it will not help his mental health.
When his daughter goes back to school you need to sit down and have a calm but honest conversation.
Tell him you now have little savings left so they cannot be used to subsidise the household going forward, and that you don’t have parental responsibility for his daughter.
Did his ex know about his habits before heading abroad and leaving the child in your care? If things continue you need to contact her mum or other blood relative in this country and explain the situation.
Personally I would be trying to seek some legal advise, in your shoes my first priority would to be myself and a little girl who seems to not be on high on the list of priorities to anyone except you.

I read all your replies before voting

Cannabis. Childish prick!

I don’t think the OP is a mug or pathetic or any of the other lovely terms that have been thrown at her.

It’s really easy for us to sit here and say “the six year old isn’t your problem, just walk away” but I know I’d find it very difficult to do that. I’d be so worried about her and walking away would dramatically change her quality of life.

I know it’s strictly speaking not OP’s problem and all that. But it sort of is if she is bonded to the child. It’ll feel that way. That’s just real life.

How on earth does this make you want to be with him? Why are you doing this to yourself?

This should really be a signature on 99% of the threads on mn

Don't women do this all the time, just expect a man to pay for everything?

Hi @NeedyJoker
It is a while since you posted. It is a long thread of responses but are you OK and just processing? It is a lot to take in when you see the bigger picture from an objective point of view (clear of emotion).

Most people here want the best outcome for you (and the DSD). People have asked your ages and if any other children jnvolved? Also is the house jointly mortgaged? The answer to these can help shape suggestions on your situation.

My thoughts are:

If he has shut you down because of MH, he needs to get himself help with that.

You both could do with some relationship counselling to be able to speak openly and improve comminication/trust. You need to know he will step up financially and he should be wanting to reassure you that he isnt using you as a cashpoint/babysitter.

If he cant or wont make appointments ans attend before the month is out, he is effecticely telling you what is in store for you, if you continue the relationship. That is hard but you dont have trust or an equal partner, you have another dependent.

Sorry that you are in this positiin but dont stay stuck there x

Ditch him! He sounds like a spoilt child and you'll never progress in life with a bloodsucker like him leeching off you!

These posts….. 🙄 OP only you can decide how long you’re willing to put up with this. You know you’re not being unreasonable so why are you accepting this? It’s so infuriating reading posts like this.

Most women don’t have a cannabis habit, obviously.

Women are usually SAHMs if they’re not working.

But no, women are not given a free pass to do nothing. If a man posted about his female partner pulling this crap, he would be told to leave her.

This. Frankly it will not get better. After 20 years of marriage I still don’t know DH’s finances despite asking repeatedly - when you have kids it is much harder to leave and mean types get meaner. I’m just waiting it out until my 16yo leaves home then I’m off. Bottom line: he will never ever improve, so get out now.

Its not a "man thing", its a woman as a complete mug thing.

You have zero self respect to tolerate this druggie in your life.

Report him to SS and get out of this usership, it is not a relationship.

But you are 100% choosing to tolerate this, remember that.

This is all you think you deserve.
Paying for a druggy abusive waste of space to use you.

Get help for yourself.

Kick him out. Contact SS.
Offer to foster his child officially.
But stop bank rolling a drug addict.

So why did you have kids with a man who won't share finances? That was the time to sort this, before they came along. Honestly, women who don't stand up for themselves are their own worst enemies.

Why on earth are you paying nursery . I hope her child maintenance and child benefit are going straight to you

OP who else does this child have in her life? Are there grandparents on the scene? Aunts/uncles?

I was with a man many years ago, who's two children lived with him (Mum left for another man and didn't want them). He didn't parent his own children (I did), he was utterly useless with money, he didn't lift a finger around the home (yep, you've guessed it, I did it all!) and he lost two jobs (because he was bloody lazy). I stayed for the children, because their own Mum left, and I didn't want to do the same to them. I loved the boys, and wanted to be the best person I could and not abandon them, like their own Mum. Unfortunately, he started cheating on me....of course it was my fault - I wasn't supportive of him etc. Never mind he was a grown arsed man, 7 years older than me, and is responsible for his own behaviour. It took a friend to sit me down and say - Do you want to live like this forever more? So, I ask you the same question. Is this how you want your life to be? I can guarantee your partner won't change - yours has a weed habit. My friend also said to me 'As hard as it is, and I know you love the boys, but they aren't your responsibility'. Your step-daughter as much as you love her, isn't your responsibility. You can't stay in a utterly crap relationship for the sake of a child who isn't yours or your responsibility. You have to think about you. I started resenting my ex, I had zero respect for him, he was an immature, irresponsible, cowardly man, who used me as a housekeeper/Nanny. Yours is no different. I wasted 4 years of my life with my ex, thankfully I was young enough to start again. Don't waste your life away on this man, get out. Leaving is hard, I won't lie, it's been 20 years since I did, and it's probably one of the hardest things I have had to do. However, I made the right decision, and stand by that. I have gone on to marry a wonderful man and have a 14 year old son.

He needs to put in writing to you that he needs to pay you £X thousand back

Leave. You can't save them.

Whose house is it?

He’s using you and then gaslighting you to get you to back off.

No. HTH.