Furious with DP over money - but AIBU because he’s “stressed”

[NeedyJoker]

My DP is going through some stressful life events at the moment. His child’s mother has decided to move abroad and DSD is with us. She’s obviously upset but she loves being here and we love her being here too.

DP is woeful with money. He regularly spends all his wages on hobbies, takeaways etc. recently I’ve had to pay the mortgage alone. He just wastes it.

Anyway, he’s not been paid in full for July as he took unpaid leave. He got about £1000 and I didn’t see a penny of it. Spent on shit.

I’ve paid for food, DSD nursery, bills, mortgage, dinners out for us, days out for DSD, a weekend away (already booked before all this) with DP and DSD. I’ve spent thousands in July. This was with the understanding that August pay would be back to normal for him.

He told me he’d get his pay check in full today.

He received £350 only.

I said what are we going to do this month? He said, well the same as last month.

I am furious. I will now have to use my savings, and pay for everything again.

DP has said I’ve “got an attitude”, and that my tone was “kicking him when he’s down” when everything’s going on for him.

He said I need to “pick my moments to bring it up”, as it’s pulled him right back down into depression.

He said he doesn’t have time to do his hobby now as he’s struggling financially. He said he thought I didn’t care about money - I don’t, but I’m not a bank?

He is stressed, I get it. But some forethought would help!

he spends £££ on cannabis.

He needs to get his priorities straight and stop sponging off you to pay the bills, so he can get stoned. It doesn't sound like he will if he's pulling the 'being depressed' card each time you try to speak with him about finances.

Will DSD's Mum not want her to move over to be with her? Regardless, you shouldn't feel obligated to stay with this loser because of his child (although I totally understand why your instinct would want you to).

You are an absolute fool. His daughter has her own mother and isn’t your responsibility. I’d be gone.

What are you doing with this waste of space!!!! You are enabling him and id suggest you look at codependent anonymous if you really want to a healthy life.
You are part of the problem and you are not a good role model to the stepchild. He's taking the piss but you let him.

WTF! Line in the sand time here. He pays his way or he and DSD move out.

If he’s not earning more than £350 he doesn’t have the funds for a hobby, let alone recreational drugs. He’s got a child to support. He should be getting a second job, the lazy twat.

And much as I feel sorry for his daughter you’re doing neither of them any favours by putting up with this.

Also this “not a good time” is bollocks, it may not be for him, but if it’s a good time for you then tough luck. You’re literally keeping a roof over his and his daughter’s head so he doesn’t get a chance to refuse to even discuss this.

For fuck sake this does not need saying get rid of him sad for the daughter but oh well

He's using you. Time to let him go.

The mum is overseas, the poor child’s two parents are as bad as each other. I’d consider keeping the child and ditching the dad- a no hoper weed addict isn’t going to want his dd full time.

he spends £££ on cannabis.

Ding ding ding - there it is.

OP, I guarantee that if you pay for everything again this month, he will take that as a green light to take even more time off and next month his pay will be £0.

He's a manipulative liar and he will drag you down with him if you stay.

I don’t believe he is stressed. I believe he really likes his life right now. He does what he likes, when he likes and someone else looks after all the adult stuff. And saying he is stressed makes you back off and stop expecting him to change. He’s got it all worked out.

Yes turfing him out will be hard but only because of his DD. Are there other family members who can take her on? You need to sort this out before all your savings are gone and you lose the house.

I'd get rid of him.

Horrible for his daughter but you can't waste your life on this loser for the sake of a child you're not related to who is still 12 years off adulthood.

hes treating you as a bank , you. Shouldn't be paying for his daughter and what is he spending his money on, run for the hills

I’ve paid for food, DSD nursery, bills, mortgage, dinners out for us, days out for DSD, a weekend away (already booked before all this) with DP and DSD. I’ve spent thousands in July. This was with the understanding that August pay would be back to normal for him.

@NeedyJoker This girl has two parents and you’re not one of them. Cancel the weekend away. Is this your house? Or did your partner go halves on the house deposit?

You are Mum to a teenage boy. A childish, useless, selfish teenage boy at that.

He wants you to pay all the bills, look after the kids, he barely works, smokes weed, does his hobby. I bet you do all the cooking and cleaning too?

Seriously what does this “man” bring to your life?

Im really not one to ever leap to LTB. But seriously ditch!

You know you have to dump this blatant cocklodger, OP. He doesn’t even bother to be nice to you because you’ll put up with anything.
Buf I’m worried about the little girl. Her parents are useless. Has she got any relatives who would take her in? I would contact social services.

You're an utter fool if you stay a moment longer Op.

Get rid of him. He's not a partner. Massively disrespectful of you.

Yep. Smoking that shit just saps people's will/ability to get off their arse to do anything and makes them self-pitying (and I know he's genuinely having a hard time about some things, but he is still being self-pitying).

I’d expect at least £2000 for the hours he said he did. but he only brought home £350? He's spending it all on his cannabis (well, and his hobbies, takeaways etc).

He stops using it and gets his act together or you kick him out.

Assuming this isn't an exercise in creative writing:

OP, you have no formal legal relationship to the daughter; legally you can't make decisions for or about her, only her father can. Does her school know the dad is now the resident parent (because her mother "decided to move abroad")? They need to know; there'll be ongoing issues (emotional and practical) if the mother stays absent and the current situation is a Safeguarding matter, no matter how mild. One of the (many) issues is child maintenance, which the mother should be paying - as another poster said, you (both you and partner) need to get some legal advice.

With you and partner - he's not contributing financially, he lied to you about work during August, he may well do it again in September, he has an expensive "recreational" drug habit and an expensive "hobby" - and he's now the legal guardian of a young child. His priorities have to change very quickly and by the sounds of it, he's not equipped and/or not prepared to see that or act on it. You can't afford to maintain the household on your income, so unless he steps up you run the risk of losing your financial stability and, ultimately, your home. As does the already destabilised daughter.

Time for him to man up - so time for you to set him down and go through it, step by step. If you want to stay with him, the conversation has to be had. If he refuses to have it, and then refuses to act on it, you know where you stand.

How old is this man? He sounds about 12.
What's the hobby that costs so much Panini football sticker books? Take aways and spending money on shit?
Unless you are his mum [and I wouldn't do it either if I was her] stop paying for this waste of space. He needs to give up the newspaper round and find a proper job.
In the mean time, there's the door Joe, close it behind you.
Don't feel guilty because he has a d, she or he are NOT your problem.

That poor little girl

He’s taking you for an absolute fool AND YOU’RE LETTING HIM.

What are you going to do about it?

He’s spending your money and his own on weed and not on his child.
You need to give him an ultimatum.

Don’t waste your life with this weed addicted lazy fuckwit