Furious with DP over money - but AIBU because he’s “stressed”

[NeedyJoker]

My DP is going through some stressful life events at the moment. His child’s mother has decided to move abroad and DSD is with us. She’s obviously upset but she loves being here and we love her being here too.

DP is woeful with money. He regularly spends all his wages on hobbies, takeaways etc. recently I’ve had to pay the mortgage alone. He just wastes it.

Anyway, he’s not been paid in full for July as he took unpaid leave. He got about £1000 and I didn’t see a penny of it. Spent on shit.

I’ve paid for food, DSD nursery, bills, mortgage, dinners out for us, days out for DSD, a weekend away (already booked before all this) with DP and DSD. I’ve spent thousands in July. This was with the understanding that August pay would be back to normal for him.

He told me he’d get his pay check in full today.

He received £350 only.

I said what are we going to do this month? He said, well the same as last month.

I am furious. I will now have to use my savings, and pay for everything again.

DP has said I’ve “got an attitude”, and that my tone was “kicking him when he’s down” when everything’s going on for him.

He said I need to “pick my moments to bring it up”, as it’s pulled him right back down into depression.

He said he doesn’t have time to do his hobby now as he’s struggling financially. He said he thought I didn’t care about money - I don’t, but I’m not a bank?

He is stressed, I get it. But some forethought would help!

This is tough OP as you have developed a bond with the child. Anyone can go through difficult times but not everyone takes the piss like this. He hasn’t discussed anything with you and is using his situation to excuse poor behaviour. When I first read I wondered if he was gambling but spending money on weed plus doing less work because he is stoned would account for it.

A decent and responsible person would be honest with you about things and open to doing whatever they could to help themselves. This just sounds like he is abdicating all responsibility and making you feel bad if you don’t just soak it all up for him. You have a difficult choice to make and I hope you have people in real life you can talk to about it.

So what was he lying about because it seems either:

A) his pay is accurate and he has been working barely any hours, but lying to you saying he was working full time.

B) he did work FT hours but has squandered over three quarters of his pay cheque and is lying to you about that instead.

Both are bad, but the approach to what needs doing to fix it is slightly different for each.

Oh dear. Is it your house? He’s taking you for a ride I’m afraid. It’s not going to get any better.

@NasiDagang

I read threads like this and shake my head in disbelief. This situation and the thread were a woman is being manipulated by suicide threats of a bloke she's been seeing just a year and not even living with make me despair. The shit that some women put up with just to have a man never ceases to amaze me.

Is cannabis the hobby?

You may well want to stick around for this poor little girl but this marriage is not going to last. No way. You cannot tolerate this for another 12 years. Why did DSD not move abroad with her mother?

Well, you're not married and you don't (I assume) have kids with him. At least you found out in time. Give him a month's notice to find somewhere else to live and move on. I'm sorry for the dsd and clearly you are too, but you can't live like this until she's an adult. They'll be ok - either he'll start taking responsibility or he'll find another woman to sponge off. Drop the rope.

Op he sounds like a loser. Do you really want to be mothering him for the rest of your life? It's great that you aren't married to him as you have choices, understandably hard choices but I'm sure once you come to terms with the fact that being stressed is not an acceptable excuse for an adult to behave the way he has, you will see the light and see that you are worth way more than this.

So he didn't spend the day with his daughter. Left you to babysit because he would rather do his hobby. What an absolute catch 😔

hobbies, takeaways etc.
dinners out for us
days out for DSD
a weekend away (already booked before all this)

None of these things are essential. There was no need for you to pay for them for him (perhaps the weekend, if it was rebooked and nonrefundable, but it sounds like he was having money issues before the current crisis. If he can't control his spending when he has money, then set up direct deposits so his half of the mortgage goes straight to the broker, etc.

And stop letting him gaslight and DARVO you. HE is being a complete arse and treating you terribly, and you're on here asking if YOU'RE being unreasonable. Well, since you asked: YES, you're being unreasonable to put up with any of this shite.

'a selfish man thing' and your brother is joining in with him. Why oh why are you tolerating this utter bullshit?

You are being taken for an absolute MUG . It's up to you if you let it continue, it really is that simple.

I'm guessing you're quite young?

You're not going to marry this one. In a few years you'll be with a man who is a responsible adult, and you will look back on this and cringe at the amount of money you wasted on him. It will also be a story you tell your DH when you go over your past.

The longer you stay with him, the longer it will take for you to actually find your DH. He's out there right now, somewhere. Come on now - big girl pants time.

Just say to him..... "I can't afford this. You can stay here for 6 weeks, but you need to be out by 15th October".

Where are his parents? He can go there, surely?

Don't you think you're worth more than a work shy, financially abusive drug user? I'm pretty sure you are!

And just to add - you are his cash cow. This will continue until your savings account says £0.00. At that point he will leave you to find another MUG to sponge from. Best to pull the plug now whilst you still have some money left.

I've put that you're being unreasonable - because you are, to subsidise this useless boyfriend!

Weed absolutely stinks so don't know how you can bear to stand next to him let do anything else!

So the mother of his child has moved away. FORTUNATELY he has a 'mommy bangmaid' in place to look after his child, pay his bills and shag him!

Honestly, OP, WHAT are you doing?

I understand your wanting to be there for this child but you need to either look into legal routes for continued contact after you leave him or accept that the price for staying in her life is 100% funding and skivvying for this repulsive manchild (as well as continuing a sex life you will no doubt come to find repulsive as his behaviour continues to resemble a whining, druggy, manipulative teenager) for the next 12 years.

Thems the options.

You're not married, you have a way out of this. Leave him, otherwise life will always be like this. He's perfectly happy living off you and isn't going to change.

Op I think you have walked into this situation and he has welcomed it. You are caring for his dd while he goes to his hobby. That’s not your job. You pay for her fees. Their home is paid for by you and currently he works part time.
So what is he doing to rectify this? Applying for loads of jobs to pull his weight? Or refusing to discuss it? None of what you are doing is your responsibility. I would be backing away and refusing to pay for dd. He won’t change op if his first step is always denial to acknowledge the problem. He expects someone else to provide for him and you are.

Is it only cannabis the money is going on? The fact he has so little would make me question that the money is funding other drugs as well.

Tell him rhat £350 goes into the joint account or he leaves.

Tell him he needs to get back into work and bring in at least £2000 next month - and pay double his usual contribution into the account or leave.

What are you going to do when you run out of savings... he'll bleed you dry before making any kind of effort himself.

This is such a difficult situation, but unfortunately it's very unlikely this man is going to change. He just isn't. The only way these types of people ever change is when they are forced to (ie you leave). Until then, he may make small changes here and there, but will always slip back, and you will end up carrying the load. It usually gets worse over time.

I really get your dilemma about his DD, especially if you have a bond with each other and care about each other. If you did leave, could you still see his DD (obviously that's not your responsibility, but I'm just suggesting it in case it's something that would work for you in this situation)?

Oh op I just hope you’re listening and processing. Thai is not a relationship. You’re his sponsor, his bank, his sugar mummy.

He is a waster.

You are better than this.

he spends £££ on cannabis.

Annnd that right there is the problem.
He's too stoned to work and he's blaming his inadequacies on you. If you want to stay with this man, I'm afraid you've got to take control.
Personally I'd kick him to touch.

I’ve voted unreasonable as you are enabling this and picking up the tab. This is just what he’s like. Why are you picking up the costs for a child who isn’t yours?! You need to sort out your boundaries and self respect

Care of child is a matter for social services. Her father is incapable of caring for her. She’s not OPs responsibility. Being abandoned by her mother needs investigation as does druggy incapable father who won’t look after her. What a complete mess and social services should be involved.