Furious with DP over money - but AIBU because he’s “stressed”

[NeedyJoker]

My DP is going through some stressful life events at the moment. His child’s mother has decided to move abroad and DSD is with us. She’s obviously upset but she loves being here and we love her being here too.

DP is woeful with money. He regularly spends all his wages on hobbies, takeaways etc. recently I’ve had to pay the mortgage alone. He just wastes it.

Anyway, he’s not been paid in full for July as he took unpaid leave. He got about £1000 and I didn’t see a penny of it. Spent on shit.

I’ve paid for food, DSD nursery, bills, mortgage, dinners out for us, days out for DSD, a weekend away (already booked before all this) with DP and DSD. I’ve spent thousands in July. This was with the understanding that August pay would be back to normal for him.

He told me he’d get his pay check in full today.

He received £350 only.

I said what are we going to do this month? He said, well the same as last month.

I am furious. I will now have to use my savings, and pay for everything again.

DP has said I’ve “got an attitude”, and that my tone was “kicking him when he’s down” when everything’s going on for him.

He said I need to “pick my moments to bring it up”, as it’s pulled him right back down into depression.

He said he doesn’t have time to do his hobby now as he’s struggling financially. He said he thought I didn’t care about money - I don’t, but I’m not a bank?

He is stressed, I get it. But some forethought would help!

Your behaving like a doormat
Your allowing this situation
You don't have to stay with him ,no one is forcing you
Sell the house or give notice to leave if rented
If you stay ,your choosing to stay ,no one to blame but yourself.

@NeedyJoker honestly the cannabis alone is a reason you should leave. I honestly think in your shoes, I would tell the safeguarding lead at school, that her mums left, her dad is smoking cannabis and has no money, you care for her but cannot continue the relationship long term, and say when you will be leaving.

He is a shit parent op. You could also contact her mother and say you are leaving / have left, and that her child needs her present. Social services may well contact her if the school find out what’s happening and should tbh.

If I was you, this is what I would do. Under no circumstances would I stay in the current set up- weed and financial issues.
I might, and I mean might, be inclined to say to him, move out for a week/two weeks; sort yourself out- work, zero weed. I will look after dd. If you are still smoking weed after two weeks, I am leaving. And if that happens, you leave, and you tell the safeguard what is going on. You could possibly still be in her life after this somehow as some type of constant. I would expect even in turbulent settings this might be encouraged. He may not allow it if she stays with him; but he may also step up if he has no choice and she is really his dependent.

Horrible for you - sorry he is such a twat. You can’t fix someone who doesn’t want it for themselves. And he doesn’t want it Not even for his own dd. Xox

Leave him
Tell the school
Tell the Mother
Tell Social Services

STOP ENABLING HIM AND LEARN SELF RESPECT

Sorry to shout but I'm so shocked at how little you care for yourself

he spends £££ on cannabis.

Anyone I know who does this tends to be a selfish waster. Often very lazy, only work to finance their own needs, not the family. Dump.

@NeedyJoker you don't need him, he needs you financially and to look after his daughter. When she goes, get rid of him too.

Edited to say - you'll save yourself a fortune as you're paying for more than your expenses atm

Why do women pick up and stay with loosers like this? Let me guess- house is yours too he moved in with you.

Whatever you do, DO NOT marry this man.

His daughter is his responsibility, not yours. My ds father legged it abroad but I wouldn’t dream of expecting someone else to pay for him!

I would be leaving him. I stupidly let me XH rinse me as I saw us as a team. Never again will I pay for a man, even if it means I’m single the rest of my life.

Op, some of these comments (most if them!) are going to sound so harsh since presumably you love this guy, or you think you do.
But I hope you'll take them seriously and reconsider what is actually really best for this little girl. You can stay in her life. But enabling her df to spend his money on weed and whatever hobby instead of parenting her isn't helping and it could financially impact you very much, which is absolutely unfair to you and for your relationship with the dd.
I hope you find your way out.

For God’s sake, get out of this relationship.

He is a drug user. I do not live with drug users.

If you are feeling charitable give him an ultimatum. He must pay X amount into the joint account every month and stop doing drugs, or it’s over.

Lucky for her she's got you to make you feel better about herself, eh?

Maybe he has other qualities she fell on love with. Maybe he didn't behave like this when she met him - they usually don't. Maybe she didn't have a crystal ball.....

This says nothing about her self respect (though a lot about his).

She's moving abroad?

Seriously you're being treated like shit by a man baby who smokes drugs.

Get rid of him. He is a complete cock lodger.

One of the issues is minimising it’s just weed.

Make no mistake it’s a drug addiction and I know several people where it dominated their lives for years, even people who were professionals and held down a good job. It’s not unlikely his depression is addiction and withdrawal. He is using as an escape.

It is v strong nowadays and does alter brain chemistry over the long term. It’s highly correlated with other addictive tendencies. Often those who don’t seek proper help will swap one addiction for another. That sometimes happens even when they do. This is outside all the day to day issues of living with someone like that and the financial side.

So you’re in for a long road, maybe even a lifetime. You’ll become more resentful over time. Until one day you’ll realise you wasted some of your best years and what for? Someone who always prioritised himself and his addiction - including his daughter. That’s what’s addiction does.

But it’s only weed right? It’s not cocaine and doesn’t look like a stereotypical addict. Except all of it does if you’re honest with yourself.

I expect deep down you know all this but the next step is scary.

Good luck OP.

Tell him if he doesn’t stump up the money for his life and child for a 3rd month in a row he will need to stay at his parents as you cannot pay the mortgage and the relationship will need to end.

you are not impress the urgency on him if he still spending money on weeds nor does he feel the effort required to parent his child.

No its not A man thing - its a dickhead thing

He's a wastrel and you are enabling it. He shpuld earn 2k pm. He brought in 350 now either He's skimmed over 1.5k off or he is telling lies.
Why dod you pay for holiday club shen He wasnt even working

This guy is taking the absolute pissand all his comments about stress are designed to shut you down.

As dad as the situation is with dsd who from the sounds of it has 2 awful parents who cant sacrifice your life for hers.

This guys has to go.

You need to call that girls mother as he is not a responsible parent.

He’s spending it on cannabis? Oh hell no. Life is too short to subject yourself to this, OP.

Are children’s services aware of this situation? Abandoned by one parent and the other a stoner. Poor kid.
But, sad as it is, she is not a reason to stay with this utter waste of space. Please get rid

Looks like you've got yourself two children to support. Except your DSD wouldn't behave so badly as your man child.

And the mug of the year award goes to…

Seriously OP, wake up.

As others have said really..... So sorry you find yourself in this situation. Focus on sorting things for the child (school is always a good place to start) and then get your life back.

What you have here, my love, is a good old fashioned cocklodger.

Into the bin he goes.

This man reminds me of my ex husband. Note, he is now an ex....

He's taking you for a fool.

So he's only earned £350. Instead of contributing the whole thing, he's left you to pay for his child while he spends on drugs and gallivanting.

Wake up OP. The child has another parent, she's not your responsibility. If she has to move abroad then that's on her parents, not you.

he spends £££ on cannabis.

What are you doing enabling this tosser?!

Please, man up, and get him out. His daughter has two parents-you are neither of them. It's not your job to sort them all out.

Next month he might bring home £150 and nothing the month Ager-when are you going to get it?