Is being a family compatible with lack of freedom?

[bmosca]

For context: My wife (DW) and I have been married for over six years and have two young children — our son (DS) is 3, and our daughter (DD) is 6 months and currently breastfed. DW is on maternity leave and expected to return to work sometime next year. I work full-time as a software developer.

Recently, a friend invited me to play football after work.
It’s been a while since I’ve done any sport or had time for myself, so I accepted right away.
Around midday, I let DW know I’d be playing for 90 minutes after work. Her reaction caught me off guard — she was upset that I hadn’t “asked” her if it was okay for her to look after the kids during that time. I ended up cancelling the game.
Later, DW was emotional and said she feels like she spends the whole day without seeing me, and was hoping we’d go for a walk together with the kids after work. She also reminded me that maternity leave isn’t a holiday — which I do understand.
But I can’t help wondering: isn’t her day less stressful than mine?
She spends her time breastfeeding while watching TV, napping, and bonding with the children. We’re currently staying with her parents, so she doesn’t have to cook or manage household chores.
Meanwhile, I’m working full-time, attending meetings, and mentally drained by the end of the day.
After work, I still help with cooking, cleaning, bedtime routines, bathing, reading stories, calming DD when she’s unsettled, changing nappies, playing with the kids, handling paperwork, mowing the lawn, and washing the car.
The only things I don’t do are laundry and lunch prep.

I genuinely don’t mind taking care of the kids if she wants to meet a friend or take time for herself — I’ve told her that. But I’m struggling to understand why I need explicit permission to do something for myself, especially when I gave her notice well in advance.
If this is how things are, does having young kids mean I can never do anything social or recreational without it being a problem?

Plus it’s not 90mins is it, thats match alone. It must be at least 2hrs15 with half time & travel and that’s assuming you don’t wash and change there. If you was at home that’s still 2.5hrs until you can deal with the kids.

Taking care of kids is work so how dare you suggest otherwise ESPECIALLY a 3 year old & a 6 month old that will want her. Her day is extraordinarily stressful. You have kids and therefore you need to check in& agree together. I can understand why you wouldn’t communicate with her? It’s not asking it’s checking in! What if she had decided to do something that same day? Honestly you are not a single person anymore

It’s bold of you to assume it’s not mentally draining looking after children. Maybe you should try it sometime?

And as for “helping” out- they are your children. You aren’t helping . You are (or at least should) be parenting them equally.

Governments are pondering why women aren’t having children. This! This sort of behaviour from partners is why. Female, namely mothers, labour is never appreciated.

I think some posters are being a bit harsh to you here. I immediately sympathised with you when you said you, wife and kids are currently living with your wife’s parents. It can be a bit of an added stress factor when living with other family members and you taking 90 minutes after work to unwind playing sport with a friend shouldn’t be something you ended up cancelling. Your wife is sensitive right now, she’s definitely not on a holiday being on mat leave, taking care of young kids is incredibly draining but you should both support each other in finding individual time to unwind and, where you can, try and find time together to unwind. Having to cancel your rare opportunity to engage in a hobby could lead to resentment later down the line.

I remember feeling like I had lost my whole self when ds was 6 mths, it is not easy and ime was very draining when ds was that little. Once over a year it was more chill again.

Whilst it is important that you both get some you time I think at this stage it would be beneficial to plan these things - so if you are out after work she is prepared for a long stint or even has the option to arrange a visit with parents or friends for example.

Also, whilst dc is breastfed perhaps start looking for ways to support her getting some refresh time - it is alot at this stage being a mum as it is relentless so you are a support here as her work is 24 hours, especially breastfeeding - Once dc is 1 then that aspect will ease off and it will be easier again - it isn't forever, it will pass but in the meantime support her to support your baby.

But I can’t help wondering: isn’t her day less stressful than mine?

No. HTH.

’I genuinely don’t mind taking care of the kids’

You mean your kids?

I genuinely don’t mind taking care of my own children once I’ve finished work but I don’t mention it to my husband to garner his appreciation as I imagine he’d assume that was the case…

The problem isn't playing football per se, it's that you think your wife is the default parent and you can dip in and out of parenting as you please without discussing it in advance with her. Your marriage will be better and stronger if you start from the basis that, outside of working hours, you are both equally responsible for your children and entitled to equal "time off", which should be agreed in advance.

I found this stage tricky.
With one child, I could (at least some of the time) sleep when the baby slept, and get stuff done if not massively tired myself. Everything fitted round the routine of one child.

Second child - as soon as the baby sleeps the toddler needs your undivided attention. You can’t sit and watch TV when feeding because said toddler is there so you read to them or get them settled next to you and watch what they want to watch or spend time explaining you’ll be with them in two minutes, the baby just needs to finish feeding.
And now they’ve made a mess and so when you finish feeding you have to tidy up - didn’t have that first time round!
When the toddler naps (if they do) that’s great but it probably won’t tie in with baby naps. There’s way more mess and way less time to do much about it.
By evening you are clock watching, waiting for the moment when someone will be home to take one of the overtired, grumpy children off you for a few seconds so you only have one crying infant to deal with!

I minded less when DH wanted to go out for a couple of hours on a weekend morning. He could get up with us, give toddler breakfast and then when everyone was still (relatively) chirpy he could go and do his thing and by the time I was losing the will to live he’d be home again.
Evenings? No way. My will to live was well and truly lost and I needed rescuing by then!

She might have reacted better if you’d asked whether she was ok with it. You did tell her, but it was on the day, and it sounds like she was craving some time with her partner and kids out of the way of her parents. The 6 month old is still very full on for her, I imagine, and I found that same age quite a parenting challenge at that stage. It’s tough on you being in the in law’s place, but she probably really feels in need of your support and presence as well.

question: when does your wife’s day shift as a “mother bonding with her children” end? can she afford a 90 min break to herself? (forgoing all the issues related to her own recovery, lack of sleep, the labours and daunting breastfeeding.)

You sit on your arse all day, don’t do any housework or chores as you’re mooching off your wife’s parents, can eat 3 meals a day whenever you want, have uninterrupted toilet breaks, can listen to music/podcasts on drive to and from work. I think YOUR day sounds ridiculously easy and you should be letting your wife have 90mins out the house. Oh and you sound a right prick btw.

Oh if only you hadn't made the remark about your day being more stressful I think you'd have had slightly kinder comments 😂

I would be so happy for him if my husband told me he was going to play football with his friends after work. You should absolutely be able to have hobbies and some freedom as a parent as long as it's fair. It sounds like you do a lot with the children when you're not working! I think some communication is needed between the two of you to work out a system where you both get your fair share of personal time.

Yanbu to want to play football for 90 mins but yanbu to think for a split second your job is less stressful than yours

This you have no real clue as to where she is do you? Because she sounds as if she is finding everything overwhelming to the point where it did seem too much. You are quick to see the positives of her and the negatives of your

Everything that has been said above, but also - it is fine for you to choose to play football as your hobby/alone time activity BUT please do not kid yourself that your wife has an equal opportunity to do that.

Even if you ensured that she could physically leave the house, you are well-rested, not recently recovered from birth, and not breastfeeding (which is a 24hr role). Your sports kit from three years ago still fits! If she just walked out and immediately tried to play 90 mins of sport it is likely that she would very quickly be exhausted, have heavy leaking breasts and feel like crap - because her body is already being pushed during both the day and the night. She is also likely to still be feeling a very strong hormonal tie to be physically near her breastfed infant, which is something that you don't have to pull against when you go out.

None of that is your fault (beyond the obvious!), but you do need to recognise it as that is likely to be one of the several missing factors that is making your calculation of what is reasonable team behaviour right now quite different to hers.

On Mat leave, when my son was 6m I the old ( and I only gave him) I felt pretty exhausted and lonely by the end of each day. I get her pOV, when your job ends in the evening, it’s your joint responsibilities to look after the kids together, so yes, it would be the right thing to ask her if she’s ok doing it alone whilst you play football !!! More notice is also better , telling her at noon for that evening doesn’t sound like a load of notice

You are failing to ask her to give more of HER time to take care of YOUR children..you are taking her LACK of freedom for granted as if she is lesser than you ..that your needs are more important

So, you’d happily replace the social interaction of your workplace and casual, thoughtless agreements to play football after work, for every day at home with your parents and two small children, one of whom is attached to your chest for half the day, making your nipples sore, and the other too young to let out of your sight? You wouldn’t find that claustrophobic? You seem to forget, she knows what the paid workplace is like, whereas you clearly have no understanding of what it feels like to be around and responsible for your children 24/7, totally trapped with them unless someone agrees to step in and help. She can’t casually agree to a 90 minute game of football when she doesn’t know when you’ll be around to help, she will always have to check with you, first, but you complain about a loss of freedom because you don’t see why you should have to check in with her first to ensure she’s OK with you coming home late? Can you not see what a wankerish move it is not to speak to her first, before agreeing to not going home after work, when she will always be obliged to speak with you, first, if she wants you to look after your children?

Your wife has a bloody easy life…all day she watches a team of fairys raise your children. the fairy’s change nappy’s, cook meals, do the housework, make snacks, bottle feed the baby , play with the oldest child, make sure the baby gets naps, clean all the messes the oldest child makes, puts toys away and lots more!

BUT The same dairy’s are so busy looking after your kids they don’t have time to take care off mum also … they don’t make sure she get’s a shower, runs a comb thru her hair, reads her emails, gets toilet brakes in peace, proper sit down meal, hot cup of coffee, drinks enough water, chance to speak to a friend on the phone and chance to read/watch a film…

Want to swap your hard life for your wife’s easy life? Try it for a day 👍👍👍

Perfectly put. That patronising assumption that women are the default parent and anything the father contributes is worthy of praise.

He mentions being a software developer like that’s such a thing / who mentions their job unless it’s relevant to the post?

Ah yes the hell which is multiple young children, preschoolers and babies.

Even better if you're married to a workaholic or a sports fanatic. (Edit, many of the wokaholics actually just stay out of the house and chat shit)

Don't worry though op, just factor in the resentment versus taking someone for granted ratio and you'll be sufficiently rewarded.

Why do you think there are hoards of women in their 30's out on the lash in gangs serving up men's consequenses.

Horny lot those 30's lasses. 😂

Doubt he will look after his own kids when he gets home. If he does he will say “I’m helping you ” “ I’m bathing/feeding/dressing them for you” as if he’s doing her a favour 🙄

Hahaha i cannot believe what i am reading

🍿 staying here for the comments

My oldest nephew is a software developer, he’s a brain box. But the job is such that you’re sitting down, choose your hours, can eat & drink when you work, were what you like, and work on one project at a time.

It’s not like he’s a surgeon or chef rushed of he’s feet all day