Is being a family compatible with lack of freedom?

[bmosca]

For context: My wife (DW) and I have been married for over six years and have two young children — our son (DS) is 3, and our daughter (DD) is 6 months and currently breastfed. DW is on maternity leave and expected to return to work sometime next year. I work full-time as a software developer.

Recently, a friend invited me to play football after work.
It’s been a while since I’ve done any sport or had time for myself, so I accepted right away.
Around midday, I let DW know I’d be playing for 90 minutes after work. Her reaction caught me off guard — she was upset that I hadn’t “asked” her if it was okay for her to look after the kids during that time. I ended up cancelling the game.
Later, DW was emotional and said she feels like she spends the whole day without seeing me, and was hoping we’d go for a walk together with the kids after work. She also reminded me that maternity leave isn’t a holiday — which I do understand.
But I can’t help wondering: isn’t her day less stressful than mine?
She spends her time breastfeeding while watching TV, napping, and bonding with the children. We’re currently staying with her parents, so she doesn’t have to cook or manage household chores.
Meanwhile, I’m working full-time, attending meetings, and mentally drained by the end of the day.
After work, I still help with cooking, cleaning, bedtime routines, bathing, reading stories, calming DD when she’s unsettled, changing nappies, playing with the kids, handling paperwork, mowing the lawn, and washing the car.
The only things I don’t do are laundry and lunch prep.

I genuinely don’t mind taking care of the kids if she wants to meet a friend or take time for herself — I’ve told her that. But I’m struggling to understand why I need explicit permission to do something for myself, especially when I gave her notice well in advance.
If this is how things are, does having young kids mean I can never do anything social or recreational without it being a problem?

One of my children has severe autism and screamed day and night for the first year. He didn’t sleep through the night for the first time until he was 4 years old.

When I had my younger child, I had a round the clock exclusive breast feeding baby who refused to take a bottle, and a toddler having constant meltdowns and being violent towards the baby. I had zero support from family/friends and free childcare wasn’t a thing back then.

But yeah, it was all because I was doing it wrong. Not because every woman’s circumstances are different.

I think you are right to get your time for football. You need a mental and physical break from your place of work. Correspondingly, your wife also needs time to herself to meet with friends, go to the hairdresser etc. I know people choose to have a couple of kids and breast feed but I was not that type, only had one, was back at work full time within four weeks and certainly did not breast feed. All those mumsy things did my head in. Result, happy mother, baby well cared for by care giver. My motto was: 'Have baby, will travel'. Baby is now extremely successful and well balanced 40 year old. Could not have asked for more.

Looking after 2 small children for the whole day is tiring and stressful and overwhelming just as much as an office job. And unless you work in a nursery you don’t even get to leave.

why don’t you start doing solo parenting on the weekends and send you wife out to have some quality time with herself and friends. Then she might feeL more inclined to you staying out much longer.

and extra 90mins for decompressing for you. Is an extra 90 mins of full on parenting for her.

The issue is obviously that you told rather than asked. She feels like you don't respect her time and energy. Have a proper conversation about sharing the load and both of you getting down time.

This is the trenches and I think she's reasonable to prefer advance notice. It's relentless in a way men don't understand.
And drop the whole maternity leave is so easy thing. You've never done it so you don't know.

Baby is only 6 months, freedom will come in time.

I feel angry your wife's behalf just reading your post, so I can only imagine how she felt when you casually told her you decided to make random last minute plans and didn't understand why it's an issue because she just chills all day whilst your day is sooo hard.

My husband and I work in tech and our working day is absolutely easier (for both of us) than looking after a baby+toddler!

When I had my second one the older one, baby wanted to be held and BF all the time whilst the (very jealous) toddler wanted me to amuse her and run after her nonstop! They had different nap schedules (and many/most 3 year olds just don't nap anymore) and I watched ABSOLUTELY zero TV with them around so I don't really see your wife watching hours of TV and napping.

i would definitely check with my dh and vice versa. Neither of us are controlling. It’s common courtesy

Work is easier! I am a primary school teacher with 2 kids. I have a very busy, noisy, stressful job and I would still rather be at work. 😂 I hated maternity leave and I couldn't wait til my husband got home every day from work. It's a different kind of stress but also boredom. Neither of us did any hobbies or much socialising while the kids were small. We always ask eachother if this is ok before we arrange to do something. The kids are now 5 and 9 and for the last couple of years we are getting more of our lives back as they are so much easier and more independent. The fact your wife is living with her parents in law is even worse. That's intense. 6 months is very young. You are both still in the trenches. It will get easier.

I say this with the caveat that you clearly have a romanticised view of mat leave with a toddler and small child! It's really not napping and bonding 🤣

However, both of you should be able to have 90 mins to yourselves across the course of the week. It would be good for you both individually and as a couple, especially if it involves some exercise and fresh air. It just requires a bit of notice and planning. Of course you should be able to make the most of that, as should see.

To answer the question posed by the title of your thread - these things are not incompatible,they just require a bit of notice, flexibility and compromise.

I think the issue with not asking “permission” is that you absolve any parenting responsibility. It’s more that you’re checking the other parent will be there and not assuming they are the default parent all the time. What if she made plans without checking with you, and went out leaving you with baby, would you be happy? If I want to stay out after work I ask my husband because it’s just polite not to assume the other person is ok with the children. He’d never say no but if he did have plans I would rearrange. Do you see your child as your responsibility or just your partner’s?

I think you underestimate your wife's day but that aside, I think it's polite and normal for the adults of the household to just check in with each other before making or changing plans like that. Even more so when there are children in the home. Especially very young children.

If my friend messaged me and asked me to go out with her tonight, I'd check with DH if that works. I assume it would (our kids are much older) but you just never know, so best to check. I expect the same from him. We're not single and fancy free and have to consider other people.

Hi, nothing wrong in it at all. I think it would have been better to have asked if she was OK with it (seeing as children are so little, and given a bit of notice.) It’s bloody hard at home with kids all day. It’s just about communicating.

Did you miss the part where he says they are staying with her parents? So she isn’t on her own.

I learnt it’s still very important to be your own people as well as parents and husband and wife. If my DP wanted to go out after work on a whim there’s no problem at all, just call me and let me know. He’s an adult, he doesn’t need my permission to see his friends.

just because the man doesn’t give birth, gain stretch marks, incontinence and look after the children all day doesn’t mean he’s only restricted to work and home until the kids turn 18. That’s extremely controlling behaviour and perhaps she needs to speak with her GP about PND if she feels “she doesn’t see you all day”. Does she want you to give up working?!

Even as a first time parent I find this ridiculous.

Depending on your job, being at home with a baby or child is much easier than being at work in my experience. You shouldn’t have cancelled the football. It’s one night a week fgs.

After work, I still help with cooking, cleaning, bedtime routines, bathing, reading stories, calming DD when she’s unsettled, changing nappies, playing with the kids, handling paperwork, mowing the lawn, and washing the car.

I genuinely don’t mind taking care of the kids if she wants to meet a friend or take time for herself — I’ve told her that.

What I get from the above is you see doing anything to do with kids or housework is doing your wife a favour, not you being an equal parent. You ‘still help’ despite your big important job. You ‘don’t mind’ minding the kids if she wants a break.

How would you feel if your wife decided to walk out the door as soon as you got back from work, without warning you first?
What if she got a job that paid so much you could stay home with the kids and her attitude to her contribution after work became like yours?

somehow I don’t think you’d be phrasing it as she is coming home mentally drained and you’ve been spending the day watching tv and having an easy time.

You have kids. You are a parent 24/7 regardless of how important you think your job is. Your wife if not the default parent facilitating your life to the detriment of her own. In short, you need to grow up before you start feeling hard done by that you don’t have ‘freedom’.

Oh please. Staying with her parents could very well be the opposite of helpful. If I'd spent the day with a baby, a toddler and my parents I'd need a walk with my DH to decompress too. Sharing a living space and having small children is far from easy.
Expecting some consideration isn't controlling.

My 12 hour shifts in A and E were easier than spending the day with my toddler, let alone adding a 6 month old into the mix.

Typical shitty male attitude you’ve got there.

@pimlicopubbersorry quoted you by accident

This was also our experience when we only had one DC. I went back to volunteering / hobbies easily. So did DH. But once our second DC came along, it was a totally experience. All hobbies / free time went out of the window for a good 14months and it was literally DH and i just tag teaming the DC and trying to maintain our sanity. It was a real struggle that I wasnt expecting after such an "easy" adjustment with our first child. The OP is absolutely in the thick what I have found to be the most difficult period of my whole parenting journey so far (small baby, challenging toddler) and i can understand the resentment because after a long, challenging, overstimulating day, i would also find it incredibly difficult even if DH had commute difficulties in getting home. I lived for the moment he walked in the door and I could just get 15mins to myself with noone talking or touching me to reset.

Being home with a baby is 10 times more stressful than being at work. I say this as a mother and the full time working breadwinner in our family. There’s no let up. It’s all consuming and with a newborn/small baby it is largely thankless.

My DH and I shared the baby care in the first year (shared parental leave) and it was beneficial for both of us, me to get back to work for a break and him to really get hands on and appreciate what it takes to be a full time parent.

You would probably benefit from taking some parental leave for at least 2 weeks (solo) to understand this, but even then being that you can’t breastfeed the baby it won’t be the same, but at least you would
get some appreciation that it isn’t a breeze.

I genuinely feel sorry for all the husbands of the wives on here with children.

i love having my in laws over, gives me a break and my DC loves them. If you have parent issues that’s your own problem.

if you can’t handle your children on your own without your DP then why have children? You can’t realistically think you’ll be joint at the hip every moment you aren’t at work?

Don’t fall in to the trap of comparing roles and deciding who has it hardest. You’re both doing different things that are differently challenging. Thinking back to when I had little ones I used to really look forward to my husband coming home, it was the thing I was aiming for all day. If he’d told me at lunchtime he was actually going to be a couple of hours late or come home then go out again then that would have upset me because it would’ve been another few hours on “my own” without any company or an extra pair of hands. You say you’re living with your parents- what sort of relationship do they have? It might be that she’s spending the day feeling slightly uncomfortable in their home and she doesn’t feel she can relax until you get back. She might feel life is a constant trail of chores and jobs and that when you get home everyone is too tired for any leisure time.

Leave it a couple of days then have a chat to her about it. Of course you should be able to have 90min to yourself in a week but it might be that you just need to make a plan and take her feelings in to consideration rather than her feeling you’ve landed it on her a few hours before. Ask what would make it better for her, maybe plan to do something nice all together one evening too. But don’t stray in to the “I’m more stressed than you so I deserve this” trap, it won’t end well.

Spontaneity will come back, but not while you have babies and toddlers. Give her more notice, and spend some time looking after both children at once solo.

With a 3yo and 6 month old your wife is probably feeling comply touched out- especially as she's breastfeeding. It's the sheer relentlessness of it, the chaos, the noise, the competition for attention, the six month old starting to get on the move, the toddler running in the opposite direction etc, etc. You need eyes in the back of your head and are constantly on alert. It definitely takes adjustment having two DC.

She has very little control over her life at the moment. Everything is about meeting other people's needs. Going to the toilet is a spectator sport. Making food, clearing up, keeping two DC safe. Her days will always have someone crying for her. Repeatedly.

What I'm trying to say is that a little bit of extra consideration will go a long way. Understand her days are not full of naps and rest. Nor her nights. It doesn't matter if you're staying with her parents. That might make her life easier. Or it might make it considerably harder.

My husband getting home was the absolute highlight of my day at that stage. Him getting home gave me space from the children and a bit of adult contact.

This!! Also she has a 6 month old baby, napping is normal when you’re still physically tired from giving birth and not sleeping well at night.

OP is being unnecessarily judgey and doesn’t seem to realise he is a parent with 50:50 responsibility….

What are you even on about, this is nothing to do with the OP now?!

It can be stressful living in someone else’s home as an adult, whether they are your parents or in-laws, they may do things a certain way as it’s their home, not yours. It’s a feeling of not being able to 100% relax.

Nowhere in the post does it say the partner “can’t manage” - it’s just basic consideration to check in with your partner before making plans and not assume they are ok having the kids 24/7. What if she wanted to go meet a friend as she’s doing all the childcare?

YANBU - as long as you’re reciprocating. We have 4 children and we’ve always made sure we have time away to do our own things. When you’re breastfeeding it’s hard as you only get a couple of hours.
At the weekend, we’d give each other 2 hours a day to do something childfree. I’d often go for a walk and have a bath. He’d meet friends for football or go to pub. That would still give us plenty of time to do family things.
Once they got a bit older, we’d often have a day each per month ‘off’. Last few years we get 2 weekends a year away… I go away with friends, he goes away for his hobby.
Don’t underestimate how tiring being at home with kids is though, you have to be ‘on’ all the time, someone always needs you. Especially when you’re breastfeeding, it is exhausting!