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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this an unfair ultimatum?

149 replies

Iuadaar · 01/09/2025 11:44

For context DP has a very demanding job. He’s worked extremely hard and is good at what he does. I have a decent job too but since having dd, now 3, I’ve not had the same time to put into my career as I once did. It is no exaggeration to say I run DD’s entire week to ensure she is at nursery, has all she needs and so on.

At weekends DP takes over and does the hard work while I can spend time as a family or see friends. He is also very good with money and we have an equal amount per month, he probably spends more on DD than me overall from his share.

Anyway… all is good. Except I want another child and so does he… but, he wants to wait for us to move house. Our house has been on the market a few months and we’ve had interest, may drop the price a bit soon. Best case scenario we would have moved by April maybe? I’m 38 and want to get on with ttc. I don’t want to wait for a time when we are in a new home, which is open ended!

I am not sure if I am overly emotional or sensitive but I feel we can manage in the place we are in if we were to have a baby before we managed to move. I feel really upset that he is putting my body second… in that I will be older and may even find it hard to conceive already than we did a few years ago. I also feel aggrieved that it will be me doing 90% of all the childcare and not him, so I feel it’s my decision as to when it happens. I have said if we haven’t ttc by October then I don’t want to continue as I can’t stay with a man who has led me to believe we would parent two or three children and who is now wasting my final fertile years. Even if I didn’t meet anyone to have another child with, it would be better than being with someone who had deliberately wasted my final fertile years. We conceived dd on the first try and he is very confident all will be fine. I am not confident and also don’t want to be older when I give birth again. AIBU to put this ultimatum in place?

OP posts:
DiscoBob · 01/09/2025 11:48

What does he say about it?

Original poster
Iuadaar · 01/09/2025 11:55

@DiscoBob that it’s unfair and he wants to wait until we are in a new home.

OP posts:
LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 01/09/2025 11:57

I mean, you can leave for any reason you want, but I feel like you can't love him that much if you would rather leave him than wait a few extra months before ttc.

You're cutting your nose off to spite your face imo.

vivainsomnia · 01/09/2025 12:00

I mean, you can leave for any reason you want, but I feel like you can't love him that much if you would rather leave him than wait a few extra months before ttc
That's how I feel if I was on the receiving end of such an ultimatum. I'd be reconsidering my marriage and what other ultimatum might come after that one.

DiscoBob · 01/09/2025 12:01

Iuadaar · 01/09/2025 11:55

@DiscoBob that it’s unfair and he wants to wait until we are in a new home.

I mean if he feels that way there's not much you can do. But tell him time is running out and you mean it when you say you'll leave him. But will you really go through with your threat?

I wish I could tell you how to just get him to agree to TTC now. Do you think he's stalling and genuinely may never want to do it?

hydriotaphia · 01/09/2025 12:02

Well, ultimately, whether your marriage is over is a question for you, and you. should not stay with someone if you are not happy in your marriage. However, I feel that using divorce to blackmail someone into having a child is possibly not the best, and you should separate the decision to stay with or leave your husband from this. Generally, I think it's better to talk over problems within a relationship without threatening the end of the relationship. I don't think it is unreasonable for your DH to have a view on timing of TTC or that he is 'obliged' to give you another child. For another child there really have to be 'two yeses' in the relationship.

WaitWhatWhatWait · 01/09/2025 12:02

Absolutely cutting off your nose to spite your face here! There's definitely a middle ground here - don't break up your family for the sake of a few months.

Bluevelvetsofa · 01/09/2025 12:04

It sounds as though he’s being more practical and you’re looking from an emotional perspective.

If you’re 38 now, it’s inevitable that you will be classed as older when you give birth. What you describe sounds like a man who does his share and cares for his family. Are you going to ditch that for single parenthood?

As PP said- what is his view? How will he respond to an ultimatum. To answer your question, I wouldn’t issue that ultimatum unless I was prepared to be a single parent.

KrisAkabusi · 01/09/2025 12:06

I can’t stay with a man who has led me to believe we would parent two or three children and who is now wasting my final fertile years. Even if I didn’t meet anyone to have another child with, it would be better than being with someone who had deliberately wasted my final fertile years.

I think you're being very harsh with these sentences. He's not deliberately wasting years of your fertility. He just wants to wait a few months until you have moved. Which to me, seems perfectly reasonable. Moving house is one of the most stressful things you can do. It makes sense to avoid doing it while heavily pregnant. Claiming you'd be better off without him even if you never had another child is bonkers.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 01/09/2025 12:08

I think you’re being a bit silly for the sake of about six months.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 01/09/2025 12:10

Yabu…. a much more helpful conversation would be about practicalities and logistics, rather than emotional blackmail.

We had the same situation - I was 38, DD was 3 and we needed/wanted to move house before DC2 was conceived. But after a few months on the market with minimal interest we decided to go ahead and ttc as we didn’t want to wait for too long and risk missing our chance.

we figured that DC would be in our room anyway for at least 6 months, plus the pregnancy time, so really as long as we moved by the time they needed a room of their own it would be ok. And that can be flexible.

DS was born in May and we had an offer on our house in July, moved in December when he was 7 months old. It worked out fine in the end.

try discussing it from less emotional, more practical perspectives.

amber763 · 01/09/2025 12:12

The one time I was issued with an ultimatum, i left that partner and would do so again if anyone i was with tried to blackmail me.

You're being really unfair and if you start this should be prepared to be a single mum.

FuzzyWolf · 01/09/2025 12:13

So when he responds to your ultimatum with divorce papers, gets 50% custody, and can afford a better home with the ability to meet a younger woman to have further children with, whilst you can’t afford a better home and don’t end up having anymore children, how will you feel then? This might not be what happens but it’s realistic enough that you need to be content with that being the outcome to go ahead with your ultimatum.

At best, you will be a divorced, middle aged, mother who should be prioritising your upset daughter instead of doing all you can to get impregnated as quickly as possibly by someone who might not turn out to be a suitable husband, step father and/or father.

InWalksBarberalla · 01/09/2025 12:15

I think issuing an ultimatum like that could risk damaging your relationship beyond repair.

MageQueen · 01/09/2025 12:16

I'm not wild about the ultimatum at all, but I do think he's being a bit ridiculous. if you got pregnant tomorrow, you still wouldn't have another child for 9 months. I would position it more as, "fine, in that case, we have to really get moving on this house sale, dro pthe price as it's clearly not priced right, and get on with it so that we can be moved within a year and once the sale is done, can start TTCing".

TunnocksOrDeath · 01/09/2025 12:18

I think before issuing any ultimatum, one needs to be prepared for what to do if the other person doesn't acquiesce. So in this case what would your situation be if your DH said "Well, I'm not moving now, so if that's how you feel, lets engage lawyers." ?
You'd be a single mum, less family support on-site for the DC you do already have, probably with less disposable income in a smaller home, with all the same stress of organising DC's 'entire week', PLUS the admin of sorting shared custody handovers etc. with you now ex-H.
If you would honestly prefer those circumstances over waiting a few months for your house to sell, then you have that choice. In the meantime, can you afford to pay for a private (i.e. fast) appointment at a fertility clinic to have yourself checked out and maybe get some peace of mind?

MimiSunshine · 01/09/2025 12:31

You need to have a realistic talk about timelines.

id literally get a pen and paper and nap it out.

1 - your house is on the market, no offers, looking to reduce price. So reduce it to a price that it will sell at, not some half arsed Mini drop.
what does that look like, how low are you both willing to drop it to move?

then you get an offer this month but easily could be 12 weeks plus before you move.
so most likely won’t be in a new house until the new year as unlikely to move so close to Christmas unless it’s really rushed through.

then you start TTC and he’s naive to think it’ll happen easily and quickly again. It hopefully would do but you literally have no idea.

or you start TTC now with the view that if you get an offer in the next month and also conceive then you’d be only 12 weeks along when you move house anyway.

house move and pregnancy are both unknowns in terms of how quickly they’ll happen but you could at least get started with the latter.

Tiswa · 01/09/2025 12:40

But he doesn’t feel he can, he doesn’t feel he can work a demanding job, takeover at the weekend to give you time free, move house and take on a newborn baby and all that means.

and in the latter he has a point moving house and a newborn are two very stressful things we loved before trying for another (although DD and I were younger)

Endofyear · 01/09/2025 12:44

Are you 100% sure he wants another child? Because on the face of it, he seems like he's stalling unreasonably.

meeleymanatee · 01/09/2025 12:45

Respectfully I think you need to see a therapist as this is not a normal reaction. If you can’t start trying in the next three months, you are going to leave your daughters father, up end her world, try and meet a new man to have another baby with, all whilst sharing custody? How are you going to form a healthy new relationship with the new if your priority it getting pregnant? Should your priority not be to your daughter? Is that what you will say on the first date? In the meantime your poor daughter whose child hood has just been sacrificed and the plan is to now put her in a blended family. It’s just weird!

something practical you could both do now is go to a fertility clinic to have tests done. Hearing from a professional may give your husband a new perspective.

SL2924 · 01/09/2025 12:52

I don’t think you are in ultimatum territory yet, OP. I get why you’re frustrated as of course there are never any guarantees with how quickly someone will get pregnant. Perhaps try to take the heat out of it. There may be a compromise to be had eg ttc when you have an offer?

YourAquaLion · 01/09/2025 12:54

I think you’re right OP - you need to get cracking at that age. It’s just not the same as early 30’s. I hear your frustration with your husband and that it has come out in an ultimatum which I don’t think is really in your interest to go thru with so I don’t think you should mention that to him. Houses can take ages to sell so you shouldn’t wait. Maybe you can present him with lots of facts about how fertility drops off a cliff after age 35 and explain how worried you are about it. Maybe also cry rather than be angry, sometimes men respond better to being the hero saviour than being berated. Good luck!

MimsyMe · 01/09/2025 12:56

You’re being very foolish.

You need to explore deeper why he thinks the move has to happen first, and how would he feel if that meant he never had a second child with you?

it sounds like he works hard all week and then works all weekend. Perhaps he remembers how hard it was when your dc1 was a baby and doesn’t want the stress of managing a house move while you have a tiny baby to contend with.

I’m Team DH , sorry OP

CallMeFlo · 01/09/2025 12:57

I have said if we haven’t ttc by October then I don’t want to continue as I can’t stay with a man who has led me to believe we would parent two or three children and who is now wasting my final fertile years. Even if I didn’t meet anyone to have another child with, it would be better than being with someone who had deliberately wasted my final fertile years

Jeez are you always so dramatic

The risk of ultimatums is what do you do if the other person doesn't give in

Are you honestly prepared to downsize to a small house or flat for you & your child. A child you might only have for 50% if the time just because you dont want to wait a few months. How totally selfish to be prepared to do that to a 3 year old

RimTimTagiDim · 01/09/2025 12:57

Absolutely unfair and ridiculous.