Is this an unfair ultimatum?

[Iuadaar]

For context DP has a very demanding job. He’s worked extremely hard and is good at what he does. I have a decent job too but since having dd, now 3, I’ve not had the same time to put into my career as I once did. It is no exaggeration to say I run DD’s entire week to ensure she is at nursery, has all she needs and so on.

At weekends DP takes over and does the hard work while I can spend time as a family or see friends. He is also very good with money and we have an equal amount per month, he probably spends more on DD than me overall from his share.

Anyway… all is good. Except I want another child and so does he… but, he wants to wait for us to move house. Our house has been on the market a few months and we’ve had interest, may drop the price a bit soon. Best case scenario we would have moved by April maybe? I’m 38 and want to get on with ttc. I don’t want to wait for a time when we are in a new home, which is open ended!

I am not sure if I am overly emotional or sensitive but I feel we can manage in the place we are in if we were to have a baby before we managed to move. I feel really upset that he is putting my body second… in that I will be older and may even find it hard to conceive already than we did a few years ago. I also feel aggrieved that it will be me doing 90% of all the childcare and not him, so I feel it’s my decision as to when it happens. I have said if we haven’t ttc by October then I don’t want to continue as I can’t stay with a man who has led me to believe we would parent two or three children and who is now wasting my final fertile years. Even if I didn’t meet anyone to have another child with, it would be better than being with someone who had deliberately wasted my final fertile years. We conceived dd on the first try and he is very confident all will be fine. I am not confident and also don’t want to be older when I give birth again. AIBU to put this ultimatum in place?

That's you. It's not all women. I know far too many people who have left it until 35+ and found it didn't happen, despite several cycles of IVF.
That I can think of one or two who had unplanned pregnancies in their 40s and had perfect babies is of no comfort to someone with her body clock screaming at her.

Kids are God's job darling. Some people never get any pregnancies, at all. Did this thought occur to you also or do you always take everyone ( ???) for granted and arriving in your life, as just when you want them

Do you really want your child to be conceived because of an ultimatum, rather than because two people want to bring another child into the world at that time?

gods job?

What about IVF, better health care for women, better diets

all meaning women conceive easier or with help if they don’t …. Gods job?

We've just moved house while I'm 35 weeks pregnant and it was tough, so worth thinking about timings. Also if you both agree on moving, I'd drop the price to help bring the move along. Then you may well get the best of both worlds.

Moving house is stressful, why on earth would you want to throw a newborn into the mix? Whether you’re heavily pregnant (and can’t help with moving) or have a newborn (and ALLLL the stuff that comes with them) it’s going to make it so much harder. Just bloody wait a few months, and dont throw your toys out of the pram.

You’ve had one and conceived on first try - I’m confused as to why you're so worried about waiting a few months at 38? 42 and having our first here…and yes, conceived on the first try too. I can understand why he wants to get a move out the way first - as someone who is also currently renovating. It’s an absolute nightmare. Do the move and then ttc when you’re settled. But if you give him an ultimatum, you absolutely give him grounds for second thoughts.

are you sure you are old enough for another child you are throwing a childish tantrum and being extremely manipulative in order to get your way maybe this is why he wants to wait as he is seeing such childish spoilt brat behavior

Every now and then there’s a post about someone wanting a child this very second and being ready to issue an ultimatum and it always puts me in the annoying position of having to side with a random man I’ve never seen. Why on earth are you treating your DH like a breeding bull? Put a baby in me or else?

You two need to sit down and have a serious conversation. It may well be that he changed his mind and doesn’t know how to break it to you. I agree with a PP, unless it’s two yes, it’s a no.

Take a step back from this and look at what you’re actually saying:

You are willing to be a partnerless, single parent at age 38 with NO chance of conceiving another child - unless you’re planning on having a number of hookups/one-night stands or trying a sperm bank. If you give your DH this ultimatum and he sticks to how he feels about your housing situation and you DO divorce - are you magically going to meet a new man, get married within a few weeks, and get started on TTC with him? Or are you going to sleep around with randos to conceive your next child?

You're willing to leave your DH if he doesn’t give in to your demands, but if so, where does that leave you in terms of having more children, which you seem to be nearly insanely desperate to do so?

You are willing to sacrifice your current marriage with your current child’s father in order to have more children. And since you currently don’t have a job/career… how will you support your current DC and any potential future ones?

You are the kind of person who I would say is NOT ready to have more children period, as you are not currently emotionally stable nor making decisions about having children from a logical, realistic standpoint.

I understand the biological clock’s screaming at you - I’m 43. But you are being completely irrational. What will the ultimatum gain you if your DH calls your bluff and says no? You won’t be having any more children in a timely/immediate fashion anyway unless, as I said, you start to sleep with random men with the intent of TTC with them.

Let’s say you drop the notion of the “ultimatum” and wait until your house sells and you’ve moved. There are other options if you have trouble conceiving quickly once that happens. You’re not doomed.

And again - I’m 43 and was 38 not so many moons ago. There isn’t a whole lot of difference between how I felt physically at 38 vs now. Your health and energy doesn’t just magically vanish in your early 40s. Take care of yourself and stay fit and it would make a negligible difference if your conceive now/give birth when you’re 39 vs conceiving/giving birth a year later in your early 40s.

Can you talk things through or does he have the last word?

If you're responsible for DD's everything during the week, how do you feel about doubling up for DC2? Will you continue to work after maternity leave and will your finances stay the same?

I don't know what's in his mind but are you two happy? Do you have any family time at the weekend together or are you parenting separately?

It might be the case that after DD came along he had to re-adjust (as any parent does) and he doesn't get any time off to himself as such. Talk to him without holding a gun to his head and explore, rather than holding him to a timetable he might not be 100% happy with.

I moved house with a toddler and 8 months pregnant,.just the normal stresses that moving house brings..at 38 ,time is not on your side .
I wonder if your DH is using the move as an excuse to not have another baby .once your locked in to the new house ,he can say he's changed his mind about another baby .less easy for you to leave then.
If your pregnant during a move it's no skin of his nose ,your the one dealing with the extra stress not him.
I'd say there's definitely more going on here ,and he's using the house move as an excuse.
He will be well aware womens fertility drops with age

I have much sympathy with you OP BUT if my partner threatened to leave me and split up our family unless we had a baby immediately I would not feel loved or valued and I would have to conclude we were definitely not in a stable enough place to create another life.
Talk to DH OP, really share your hopes and fears and allow him to do the same. Think hard before you make your child live between a broken home.

So basically, you are only going to stay if he agrees with you - so you are saying I am only going to love you if you give in. What happened to unconditional love. Hopefully he will see through you, call your bluff and feck you off.

Pregnant and dealing with a house sale and move?
im with your dp on this one.

Oh and even if you do leave, you’re just gonna raw dog the next guy that comes along for that baby?
you sound a little unhinged

We agreed memorandums of sale in early April and after a lot of delays in the chain, are only completing next week, 5 months later. I’d drop the price of your house significantly to get on with it. Don’t give DH an ultimatum, for all the reasons other posters have said. That’s just silly.

You could always just take it into your own hands and try for another baby.

Great advice. Just trick the poor husband, sure he will be very forgiving!

Tbh I think many babies in and outside of marriage are conceived that way

Not saying it is right i hasten to add.

I read these posts and think, are they for real? Or does MN have a bank of people just making up the most bat shit crazy posts? Because that's what this is.

OP - give him that ultimatum, hopefully he'll see sense and leave.

Would you leave if you couldn't have more children?

@LaughingCat but conceiving on the first try doesn’t mean it will be as easy again

Of course not, but it doesn’t indicate any particular issues with conceiving - if you’d spent months or years trying to conceive the first, I’d understand the worry about waiting a few months as it would indicate some underlying issues. But it’s much less likely, given you’ve already conceived quickly once.

I get it - I’ve been pregnant twice before in my twenties. Once when I was on the pill and using condoms and the second time when I had a flipping implant and using condoms. At 41, I assumed it would be much harder, that my ovaries were shrivelled and my eggs wizened (that’s what we’re all told) - and on top of that my DH takes epilepsy meds that are supposed to seriously impact his fertility as well.

I was a bit panicky about the whole thing - I’d bought fertility monitors, sperm count tests, I was looking into getting a full work up with Hertility - the works. And the one time we weren’t careful (we wanted to get the renovation out the way first before ttc)…and pregnant.

I’m not saying that will be your experience, I’m just saying that letting your fear impact on your relationship for the sake of a few months delay when there’s little basis for it at the moment isn’t helpful. I really hope your house sells soon though and you get to start babymaking in earnest!

Are you sure you actually want another one though? Not trying to be rude but you seem really resentful of 'doing everything for her'
Maybe your husband doesn't want this feeling exacerbated?