Is this an unfair ultimatum?

[Iuadaar]

For context DP has a very demanding job. He’s worked extremely hard and is good at what he does. I have a decent job too but since having dd, now 3, I’ve not had the same time to put into my career as I once did. It is no exaggeration to say I run DD’s entire week to ensure she is at nursery, has all she needs and so on.

At weekends DP takes over and does the hard work while I can spend time as a family or see friends. He is also very good with money and we have an equal amount per month, he probably spends more on DD than me overall from his share.

Anyway… all is good. Except I want another child and so does he… but, he wants to wait for us to move house. Our house has been on the market a few months and we’ve had interest, may drop the price a bit soon. Best case scenario we would have moved by April maybe? I’m 38 and want to get on with ttc. I don’t want to wait for a time when we are in a new home, which is open ended!

I am not sure if I am overly emotional or sensitive but I feel we can manage in the place we are in if we were to have a baby before we managed to move. I feel really upset that he is putting my body second… in that I will be older and may even find it hard to conceive already than we did a few years ago. I also feel aggrieved that it will be me doing 90% of all the childcare and not him, so I feel it’s my decision as to when it happens. I have said if we haven’t ttc by October then I don’t want to continue as I can’t stay with a man who has led me to believe we would parent two or three children and who is now wasting my final fertile years. Even if I didn’t meet anyone to have another child with, it would be better than being with someone who had deliberately wasted my final fertile years. We conceived dd on the first try and he is very confident all will be fine. I am not confident and also don’t want to be older when I give birth again. AIBU to put this ultimatum in place?

I mean normally it would be the sensible thing to wait until after you move but I understand why you feel the need to start now considering your age

My husband and I had originally agreed on 2-3 kids when we started our family, but after DS, the time was never right for a second. Between big moves, career changes, COVID, health problems (for both of us). I was still keen but DH ultimately changed his mind. While I would have loved another child (and still would), I wouldn't jepodise my family. I adore my DS and I adore my DH. They are who I want in my life and I wouldn't risk our happiness and love on purpose.

OP, imo if you love your partner, kids are a lovely, happy biproduct of that love. If you just want kids and essentially use your partner to get them, it doesn't sound like love.

100% leave him now.

The poor guy doesn't deserve to be treated like some type of donor to someone who has a tantrum and stamps their feet when they don't get their own way.

Set him free so he can find someone who actually loves and appreciates him rather than just treat him as a bank, baby sitter and baby maker.

I'm betting on your 3 year old being more mature than you seem to be.

Is it true that you’ve said you would rather your daughter sees her parents separately (as in sourced parents) than having a sibling right now?

You actually would rather have broken up parents rather than wait a few months to give her a sibling?

yeah - that’s messed up.

Not read all the posts yet but I can see this is a bit of a wake up call for me.

I know it does sound bratty (as one poster mentioned) and it seems almost everyone thinks what I’ve said is unfair.

To provide more context, DP doesn’t have any involvement with DD in the week so I am in effect a single parent. He leaves for work at 6:30am and is back after her bedtime. I do every nursery run, every meal outside of nursery, every bath time etc in the week whilst also working full time in a job not too far off what he takes home.

I think because of that I feel I have managed with dd very well and I should therefore have more influence over when I am pregnant and when I give birth. It will all be left to me regardless of when we had another child and I would rather be in my thirties than early forties.

His reasoning also makes me think he is dragging his feet even though he said he absolutely wants more dc and has been clear about that. We have enough room for a baby where we currently are and I suppose the ultimatum was about trying to get him to say if he had changed his mind as I don’t want to wait several months and be emotionally invested in it only for him to say he’s changed his mind. I don’t get why a bigger house has to come first.

@CatamaranViper could I ask, do you not feel hurt or messed around that your DH changed his mind? What was his reason? I think I would always feel sad about it and that would impact our relationship.

@Ecrire when we could easily have a baby where we currently are, it makes me think perhaps he is stringing me along

That's a really lovely attitude, I so agree with you!

But what about the weekends? I'm still confused about your weekend setup.

Let's say you get pregnant next month. When would you see yourself moving house? Before you give birth or after?

Just speak to him and calmly ask him if he has changed his mind or whether he still wants another child. That’s a much better way of going about getting the answer than risking him divorcing you and, despite you currently doing everything for your daughter during the week, ending up in a 50/50 custody situation.

I wouldn’t be trying to conceive with a man I could leave so easily over timing of a new baby. 🤷‍♀️

Have you tried to talk about it in this way:

You: I really want a second child. Do you?
Him: Yes (I’m assuming he’ll say but gives him chance to say no if he actually feels that way. If it’s a categoric yes you have it ok record.)
You: Ok. These are the reasons I don’t want to wait (insert - imagining worry about conceiving, that you’re doing it all in the week and would rather do that sooner than later). Why do you want to wait?
Him: hear him out. May well touch on house, fact it was easy last time. Listen to him here.
You: in an ideal world we’d move first but we have no control over either timescale. Ask him why it would be so awful to have baby before/in midst/just after moving.

The key thing I would say to him in your position would be “Ultimately I want a second child more than anything else, it’s certainly more important to me than a bigger house now. We can pursue both the house and the pregnancy. But I’m so anxious about the prospect of putting off ttc and then not being able to get pregnant. Of course we could get pregnant immediately or it might not happen at all. But we don’t know until we try. If we wait and it doesn’t happen I will always look back and wonder if it would have happened. It will break my heart. How could you feel if we put it off and then it doesn’t happen?”

I do think yabu re the ultimatum but I think yanbu to want to ttc now.

Have you had a straightforward conversation where you ask him whether he has changed his mind about wanting a second? Because I think that is a different issue, and absolutely is something you need to know sooner rather than later

My first thought is your cutting off your nose to spite your face if you give this ultimatum .. I mean, where are you gonna find another man to just step in?

This PP is right OP @Iuadaar

He is the Breadwinner and will be taking the majority of the extra financial responsibility in what is an uncertain economic environment.

No matter how good he is at work, the reality is additional financial commitments need to be well considered decisions - if he is not sure take heed.

It's hard out here as a Single Parent and wouldn't wish the harshness of it on anyone - especially due to unreasonable ultimatums and the pain that would bring if he took it on face value.

Count Your Blessings OP - Trust me you got it good even if you can't see it right now. Best Wishes.

I don't think an ultimatum is the way forward: it's disrespectful to your Dh, and if you want another baby, is counterproductive. I don't think it's mature behaviour to threaten to end the marriage if you can't get your own way.
You could continue discussing it, find out exactly why DH wants to wait, and maybe address some of his concerns. You could show him the research on declining fertility especially after 38, and explain in more detail why you want to go ahead now. You could tell him you'll wait till eg December to see how the house sale has progressed and after that, you'd want to reconsider. You could even tell him that you are coming off the pill, or will do after a specific date, and let nature take its course.

There was another thread, not too long ago about a woman considering leaving her husband for not wanting another child. She also accused him of stringing her along and wasting her fertile years.

This almost reads as if it's been written by the same poster however the facts are slightly different.

I would accuse a guy of stringing me along, and wasting my fertile years.If he hadn't committed to me or had children with me.

It is such a weird thing to say to your husband and father of your child that he's stringing you along and wasting your fertile years when he's already married you and had a family with you, albeit with only one child.

The man isn't stringing you along he's your husband and father of your child. He's committed to you.

Call a spade a spade OP, you’re blackmailing him to get your own way and are seemingly prepared to put your existing child through the upheaval of separating for the sake of a mythical child that doesn’t yet exist. I feel really sorry for him.

I you gave me that ultimatum, I would call you on it. If you think that he is stringing you along then I would have grave concerns about the relationship anyway.

You don’t love him

I think that's reasonable it's not like he's dilly dallying and the house is on the market.
I don't think you love or appreciate him OP so you would be best to split up before moving house.

This is batshit sorry. You are in a partnership and he has given a key milestone not an abstract date. Just because are primary parent doesn’t mean pregnancy and childbearing isn’t something he should think about.

throwing a tantrum because he wants to sort out your living situation before trying for another maybe is mad.

do it or don’t do it. but you might get a nasty surprise. Also threatening someone in your relationship is usually an ending regardless

No I don't. He has just as much right to change his mind as anyone, and every child deserves to be wanted.
It came down to mental health. After all the stress and worry about job stability, debts and health issues, his mental health was in the toilet. He's worked very hard to pull himself up and I am very happy and thankful that I have him and DS. They are my priority.

I do get where you are coming from @Iuadaarits your body and he’s dictating what happens when to it and dismissing your wishes.
However you can’t give someone an ultimatum like that unless you are prepared to carry it through and do you really want to split your family up over this? Realistically he’s your only shot at a second baby before your forty.
But ultimately it is your body your decision, I would apologise and take back the ultimatum but there’s nothing wrong with having your own deadline to take it off the table . If you don’t want to be pregnant on your forties thats totally vailid, work out your final date to be pregnant by.
if you get to that day and you are not pregnant you can decide at that point how you feel about the situation and your marriage.
You can’t force your dh to do something he doesn’t want to but you can have autonomy over your own choices.