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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this an unfair ultimatum?

149 replies

Iuadaar · 01/09/2025 11:44

For context DP has a very demanding job. He’s worked extremely hard and is good at what he does. I have a decent job too but since having dd, now 3, I’ve not had the same time to put into my career as I once did. It is no exaggeration to say I run DD’s entire week to ensure she is at nursery, has all she needs and so on.

At weekends DP takes over and does the hard work while I can spend time as a family or see friends. He is also very good with money and we have an equal amount per month, he probably spends more on DD than me overall from his share.

Anyway… all is good. Except I want another child and so does he… but, he wants to wait for us to move house. Our house has been on the market a few months and we’ve had interest, may drop the price a bit soon. Best case scenario we would have moved by April maybe? I’m 38 and want to get on with ttc. I don’t want to wait for a time when we are in a new home, which is open ended!

I am not sure if I am overly emotional or sensitive but I feel we can manage in the place we are in if we were to have a baby before we managed to move. I feel really upset that he is putting my body second… in that I will be older and may even find it hard to conceive already than we did a few years ago. I also feel aggrieved that it will be me doing 90% of all the childcare and not him, so I feel it’s my decision as to when it happens. I have said if we haven’t ttc by October then I don’t want to continue as I can’t stay with a man who has led me to believe we would parent two or three children and who is now wasting my final fertile years. Even if I didn’t meet anyone to have another child with, it would be better than being with someone who had deliberately wasted my final fertile years. We conceived dd on the first try and he is very confident all will be fine. I am not confident and also don’t want to be older when I give birth again. AIBU to put this ultimatum in place?

OP posts:
PurpleThistle7 · 01/09/2025 13:58

Ultimatums are unfortunate and best to avoid them.

But I don't understand your setup at all and can appreciate why he'd want to wait. He spends his entire life working or with his child while you spend some of your life with your child and your (entire?!) weekend doing whatever you like? When is his time to do what he likes with friends and family? When do you do things together with him? I can't understand your post to be honest.

Waiting a few months isn't exactly a devastating thing. Moving is awful and you should get on with that - unless of course you have the ability to hire movers who will pack and unpack for you maybe? Otherwise you'll end up in a situation where he works all week and then packs all weekend with your toddler while you... do whatever you do on weekends while feeling a bit nauseated/tired/whatever.

LondonPapa · 01/09/2025 14:00

Iuadaar · 01/09/2025 11:44

For context DP has a very demanding job. He’s worked extremely hard and is good at what he does. I have a decent job too but since having dd, now 3, I’ve not had the same time to put into my career as I once did. It is no exaggeration to say I run DD’s entire week to ensure she is at nursery, has all she needs and so on.

At weekends DP takes over and does the hard work while I can spend time as a family or see friends. He is also very good with money and we have an equal amount per month, he probably spends more on DD than me overall from his share.

Anyway… all is good. Except I want another child and so does he… but, he wants to wait for us to move house. Our house has been on the market a few months and we’ve had interest, may drop the price a bit soon. Best case scenario we would have moved by April maybe? I’m 38 and want to get on with ttc. I don’t want to wait for a time when we are in a new home, which is open ended!

I am not sure if I am overly emotional or sensitive but I feel we can manage in the place we are in if we were to have a baby before we managed to move. I feel really upset that he is putting my body second… in that I will be older and may even find it hard to conceive already than we did a few years ago. I also feel aggrieved that it will be me doing 90% of all the childcare and not him, so I feel it’s my decision as to when it happens. I have said if we haven’t ttc by October then I don’t want to continue as I can’t stay with a man who has led me to believe we would parent two or three children and who is now wasting my final fertile years. Even if I didn’t meet anyone to have another child with, it would be better than being with someone who had deliberately wasted my final fertile years. We conceived dd on the first try and he is very confident all will be fine. I am not confident and also don’t want to be older when I give birth again. AIBU to put this ultimatum in place?

To be frank, you’re being incredibly stupid. If you’ve given an ultimatum, I’d expect DH to be considering his options and you may soon find he is XH.

Mandylovescandy · 01/09/2025 14:01

Agree you need to discuss timescales. Problem with moving is you don't know how long that takes - took us 8 months due to chain etc and my friend is suffering similar half packed ready to go but suddenly some issue with the paperwork has been unearthed and they have no idea how long it will take to sort. And same with TTC - for me has been first time always (3x) even at age 39 but that is probably super rare. I also think you might benefit from a chat about childcare responsibilities as you possibly both feel that you do the most work which is influencing how you see things

SuperTrooper1111 · 01/09/2025 14:03

Ironically, you've probably also hampered your chances of conceiving with your ultimatum – can't imagine your DH is feeling particularly warm towards you, let alone wanting to have sex.

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 01/09/2025 14:05

Well, clearly he’s right not to want another child with you. You clearly don’t love him and are just using him for a baby. If you did you wouldn’t be threatening to leave him if he didn’t give you what you want.

You’re veering into emotional abuse territory here and if I was him I’d leave and go to court for 50/50. See how you like that.

ChrisMartinsKisskam · 01/09/2025 14:08

you sound like a spoilt brat
you could end up with no new house or baby

Im wondering how long you have been together and if you met naturally rather than online if you have been together for a long time you may have not dipped your toes into the shit fest of OLD
if you think you can just get rid of your DP and replace him your going to have a rude awakening if that’s your plan

at your age divorced and with a small baby
good luck at trying to find a partner that’s wants you a step child and a new baby all within a relatively short time frame

most men your age already have a few kids
so you would be taking your daughter into probably shitty rushed blended step family

Even young single attractive women with no kids and commitments will tell you how shit online dating and dating in general is

the older you get and with kids the number or eligible men drop dramatically

if you have a good DP who is loving and supportive I would be marrying him not giving him childish ultimatums

OrigamiOwls · 01/09/2025 14:11

Are you prepared to be a single parent if you issue such an ultimatum?

Notmyreality · 01/09/2025 14:12

WaitWhatWhatWait · 01/09/2025 12:02

Absolutely cutting off your nose to spite your face here! There's definitely a middle ground here - don't break up your family for the sake of a few months.

Exactly. Can’t believe what I’ve just read.

Betty1625 · 01/09/2025 14:12

Do you actually love your husband??

Notmyreality · 01/09/2025 14:13

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 01/09/2025 12:08

I think you’re being a bit silly for the sake of about six months.

More than a bit…

Notmyreality · 01/09/2025 14:15

Betty1625 · 01/09/2025 14:12

Do you actually love your husband??

Indeed. Sounds like it was written by a robot.

nixon1976 · 01/09/2025 14:16

I worry your ultimatum will leave you far worse off if/when you have to follow through. But I also 100% understand your frustration and concerns and would feel exactly the same. Fertility does drop off massively - I know loads of people have healthy babies in their 40s, but we were lucky to have three children before I was 38 with no problem conceiving almost immediately. Then tried for a much wanted 4th but ten years later and no luck - took much longer to conceive each time and then sadly lost all subsequent (5) pregnancies.

Newmeagain · 01/09/2025 14:20

I think maybe there is more to this.

The OP does not say that she is married.

Her partner could just be stalling.

I would want an honest conversation. The reality is that in your late 30s a few months could make a difference.

FreyjaOfTheNorth · 01/09/2025 14:32

You’re being very unfair. The whole set-up sounds unfair. Your husband works, in your own words, a “very demanding job” and spends his weekends doing things with your child so that you can “see friends”. When does he see his friends? He’s already losing out. Now you want another child (no idea why, it’s more important to you to “see friends” at the weekend than spend time with your husband and child). You weee 35 when you had your first so you were already late to the game, biologically speaking. Don’t make that his problem.

Are you seriously suggesting leaving your husband, breaking up your child’s home and depriving her of two full-time parents for the sake of a few months? You’re out of your mind. It will be your daughter that suffers the most. That’s nothing short of cruelty.

There are other avenues, non-biological, to parenthood. But it seems you’re very much “my way or the highway”, and determined to make your child suffer because your selfish wants are not being handed to you on the time scale you demand. He is probably better off without you if that’s how you feel. But for your daughter it’s not that simple.

heroinechic · 01/09/2025 14:41

My DH said the same thing to me. I just told him I was stopping my contraception and it was up to him to prevent. Of course he didn’t.

We accepted an offer on ours when I was about 7 months pregnant. My DC is now 3.5 months and we’ve still not moved. It’s looking like Christmas! Just get on with it.

OnceIn · 01/09/2025 14:54

I had my first dd at age 35, she was 3 when we started TTC, we tried for 18 months and it didn’t happen. Did all the tests, nothing wrong but no second child for me.

Vegalyra · 01/09/2025 14:59

Moving while pregnant is very difficult and can lead to compromises you wouldn’t make otherwise. I’m talking from bitter experience. We ended up with a house that wasn’t quite suitable from a vendor who put us through hell. We would have pulled out of the sale if we had time on our side, but I was heavily pregnant and we needed a house.

I didn’t enjoy my pregnancy because I was too stressed about the move. I didn’t get the chance to sort out my baby’s room because I gave birth soon after completion. The house was a mess for months afterwards because we were too busy to finish unpacking or start decorating. We discovered the house was cold as the boiler was too small and old, so I spent most of the time with my newborn in the one room we could heat. It was a stressful, messy situation.

Moving can be difficult at the best of times. If you can wait for a few months, do.

Pl242 · 01/09/2025 15:03

I can see why you feel the way you do. I’d want to get on with ttc and waiting until you move is an open ended timescale vs saying x amount of months. Can the two of you not explore a specific timescale to start ttc as a compromise? Ie. 6 months. If not sold/moved start ttc. Though I still think I’d be annoyed like you are re his reticence. Ultimately there will always be the chance to move house. There isn’t a given timeframe for conceiving.

We were in a similar situation re wanting to move before a second child arrived but effectively started both processes at the same time and moved 3 weeks before second child was born. Ideally we’d have moved months before but you just cannot control everything in life.

sure you have done already but talking this through with him can he not see where you are coming from and your worry that you might miss the opportunity to have your second child? If it’s really a wanted child on both your parts I feel he should see your view?

that said moving to an ultimatum does seem a strong reaction on your part. Are you really ready to follow through with it? If so that does lend a perspective on your marriage perhaps? Also picked up on you saying you feel resentful of carrying childcare after saying pitch a fair arrangement. Maybe there are some deeper things going on here?

brunettemic · 01/09/2025 15:11

Neither of you are BU. You just need to find a compromise and stop trying to blackmail each other (more so you than him if you’re going to threaten to leave) into getting what you both want.

HelloHattie · 01/09/2025 15:13

If I were him I’d say leave then. You clearly don’t love him to be happy to jump ship for a few months Confused

Coconutter24 · 01/09/2025 15:16

“I feel I’m in my last fertile years and we do plan to have a baby just a few months later than I’d like, I’m not happy with waiting a few extra months due to fertility risk so what I’ll do is throw my toys out the pram, leave my DH and break up the family and then not have anyone to have a baby with so I’ll end up single and still only one child”…… or you could pick your toys up, concentrate on getting moved then try for a baby in a few months

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 01/09/2025 15:36

This is like listening to a 38 year old Verruca Salt.

AardvarkaKedavra · 01/09/2025 15:39

You're both being unreasonable. If you both want another child, I wouldn't put it off at 38, but such a drastic ultimatum isn't going to help matters. I'd propose a compromise. Don't tie ttc to selling the house or moving. Give it a set amount of time (a few months) and work hard toward settling the housing issue as soon as possible, but agree that you'll start ttc at the end of that time, regardless of where you are with the house. It might not be ideal to have a baby when you're in a smaller home or in the middle of moving, but it's been done before.

Cucy · 01/09/2025 15:50

I think you’re being a bit dramatic!

Do you seriously want to end your relationship because your DH thinks it’s best to wait a few months until you’re settled in the new home?

Your DH does have the right idea and in an ideal world you would wait because the move is not only going to be stressful for you but also your current DC, who is also going to have to adjust to having a new sibling etc.

However, it is your body and you know what you’re capable of.
As you haven’t sold your house yet, then it could take much longer and so you might as well start TTC.

I would think about whether you actually want to be in this relationship - it doesn’t sound like you do tbh.
And then speak to him about and explain how you don’t want to leave it.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 01/09/2025 16:06

Do you want a child in circumstances where he only agreed to it because you would leave him otherwise? What would that do to your relationship?

I get that you’re desperate for another baby and worried you might lose the chance. But forcing things rarely leads to any good outcomes.

perhaps you can keep talking and there is some kind of compromise- eg if you haven’t been able to move within X months, then you’ll start TTC then?