Is this an unfair ultimatum?

[Iuadaar]

For context DP has a very demanding job. He’s worked extremely hard and is good at what he does. I have a decent job too but since having dd, now 3, I’ve not had the same time to put into my career as I once did. It is no exaggeration to say I run DD’s entire week to ensure she is at nursery, has all she needs and so on.

At weekends DP takes over and does the hard work while I can spend time as a family or see friends. He is also very good with money and we have an equal amount per month, he probably spends more on DD than me overall from his share.

Anyway… all is good. Except I want another child and so does he… but, he wants to wait for us to move house. Our house has been on the market a few months and we’ve had interest, may drop the price a bit soon. Best case scenario we would have moved by April maybe? I’m 38 and want to get on with ttc. I don’t want to wait for a time when we are in a new home, which is open ended!

I am not sure if I am overly emotional or sensitive but I feel we can manage in the place we are in if we were to have a baby before we managed to move. I feel really upset that he is putting my body second… in that I will be older and may even find it hard to conceive already than we did a few years ago. I also feel aggrieved that it will be me doing 90% of all the childcare and not him, so I feel it’s my decision as to when it happens. I have said if we haven’t ttc by October then I don’t want to continue as I can’t stay with a man who has led me to believe we would parent two or three children and who is now wasting my final fertile years. Even if I didn’t meet anyone to have another child with, it would be better than being with someone who had deliberately wasted my final fertile years. We conceived dd on the first try and he is very confident all will be fine. I am not confident and also don’t want to be older when I give birth again. AIBU to put this ultimatum in place?

perhaps in his head you conceived first try at 34(?) so 'just' three years later it might take two or three tries. And he probably thinks you have another 6 or 7 years to conceive even if its a bit harder than that
Would it be worth showing him some stats about fertility decrease, dangers to the mother, chances of complications, and explaining why you're so scared by this?

And then obviously as pp have said, timelines - house sale/purchase takes x long. Child will be in your room for y long. It need not be entirely linear. Have you found a house you want to buy yet and can you at least do that concurrently? Would he be more comfortable to start trying when you have sale agreed, or is he literally expecting not to get started until the removal men wave goodbye?

OP gently, I think before you undertake a house move, TTC and an additional child, it may be worth seeking individual and couples counselling. You don't speak kindly of your husband, nor give him the benefit of the doubt regarding his motives behind a short delay and you seem resentful. Your response to being denied your wish to immediately TTC now is very reactionary. This is obviously a painful situation for you, I understand that this feels urgent and frustrating, but your responses seem a tad short sighted and destructive with a lack of perspective and empathy. Those aren't helpful default responses when trying to navigate important discussions within a relationship.

If you split up OP your dd may be very impacted by her parents splitting and you won't get another child in the near future either. So why would you do that?

Conceiving/parenting is not a competition where the person who does the most gets to make the decisions.

Sorry if I have missed it but when did you decide to put your house on the market and when did you decide you wanted another baby?

I’m wondering if you’ve waited 3 years to decide you now want to TTC because you weren’t ready or you’ve wanted to try for a while but it’s DH who always has an excuse.

If it’s been DH dragging his feet then it’s likely that he doesn’t want another one.
However, if you weren’t ready before now then it could be that he’s just thinking sensibly, as moving house can be stressful.

I suppose the ultimatum was about trying to get him to say if he had changed his mind as I don’t want to wait several months and be emotionally invested in it only for him to say he’s changed his mind.

This really stood out to me.

How is your marriage generally, OP? Do you feel that you and your DH usually communicate well?
The reason I ask is that you don't seem to trust him. He has been clear that he wants more children, but you seem to be saying you don't believe him. Why do you think that is?

Issuing an ultimatum to either force your DH to admit that he's changed his mind, or to satisfy your desire for a baby before he has chance to change his mind suggests quite an extreme level of anxiety around the situation. It also doesn't strike me as a sign of a healthy, functional marraige. Has he given you reason not to trust what he says in the past?

I understand why you feel the pressure to try now, especially at 38. But having another baby will magnify whatever is already happening. Right now you’re carrying most of the weekday load on your own. If that carries on, you’ll end up exhausted and resentful. But it doesn’t just affect you. If you expect more from him than he’s willing or able to give, he may resent you instead. Either way, you both risk ending up unhappy, and that can put real strain on your relationship.

That’s why the focus shouldn’t just be on whether you move first, it should be on whether you both agree what life with two children will actually look like. If he truly wants another baby, he needs to start showing that by stepping in more now, not waiting until later. Even small changes, like him taking over certain routines each week, will prove whether his promises are realistic.

It’s not about an ultimatum so much as clarity. You deserve to know if you’re both genuinely on the same page. Because if you bring another baby into the mix without that understanding, the pressure and resentment will only double.

You and your DH are assuming that you will conceive immediately. You might, you might not.
Your ultimatum is batshit crazy.

Surely if you conceived now you may have moved by the time the baby came. There’s no way I’d leave it. Your fertility is dropping with every passing month. If you wait, and you don’t end up moving for, say, 9 months, and then you can’t get pregnant, you’ll resent him for ever.

@BerryTwister yes that sums up how I feel really. I know the reality is that I probably wouldn’t find someone else to have a child with now anyway. And even if I did, it’s probably not fair on the child I already have. It’s not how I imagined my life to be but I guess that’s the case for a lot of people and you have to make the best of it.

You have a husband that loves you and a daughter. Be grateful for what you have instead of being miserable and bitter about it. There are a lot of women would kill for what you have!

I’m probably going to get slated for this but I hurried up my DH’s timetable by pointing out that as I got older the chances of the baby having disabilities increased. That apparently scared him more than the risk of not getting pregnant at all.

I think you both have valid points - you about not wanting to wait too long, and him about not wanting to have a house move and a newborn at the same time. I think the ultimatum idea is unhinged though, I can't see how it would at all be worth breaking up your family for your poor child, and I can't imagine giving up your marriage over it either. It's hard to know ahead of time what things will look like, so it's not like he's deliberately misled you - he's just looking at things as they currently are. I was ready for another child before my husband was, and it wouldn't have occurred to me that my want for a child was more important than my marriage, that's a concerning position.

@Iuadaar if you want a second child, why aren't you TTC now? Are you actively trying not to conceive?

If you split up, chances are the discarded man will find a Nanny McFanny within months, and the only sibling your DD will have will be your XH's child.

Odds of getting pregnant by age chart: Fertility explained - Femia

I ultimately think that when it comes to such huge life decisions it’s two yeses or a no. I think your ultimatum lacks any teeth, you’d leave, lose the financial security of two working adults in one house, like lose custody of your daughter for a large chunk of the week and have to start from scratch with finding someone new, giving it enough time to introduce your daughter, (and controversially I see introducing new step dads into the home a real risk to children) and then navigate two homes and step parents for your daughter, and by the time you are ready to TTC again you’re probably too late,

So I wouldn’t make ultimatums like that as essentially you could find yourself with no second child and a good life ruined. If my DW tried to strong arm me into a big life decision like that with an ultimatum I think that would break my trust in her

It sounds like there is more going on here than just the house.

I do think its very unfair to string you along, if that's what he doing. However, maybe he feels he can't have the difficult conversation about not having more kids. This is an easier excuse?

Hopefully not, but honesty is probably overdue from him..

Are you for real OP? Although I can see your point would issuing an ultimatum really work for the best? Good hardworking men don't grow on trees you know. This could really backfire on you and how about your poor daughter? Why would you put her through an unnecessary marriage break up? Find another way to communicate please.

I never managed to have another. Moving for it to never happen would be devastating. And you have nine months plus six months before the baby will be able issue in terms of room. Or they can share a room with your other DC. Get pregnant first, then think about having more space.

We're still in the original house!

I just think ultimatums are never a good idea. "Do this or I'll do something that hurts you", they may do what you want out of fear, but not happily and may resent you for it.

I don't know what you can do. Maybe present him with the facts about your fertility and say this is really important to you, that you are concerned that you won't be able to conceive if you leave it too long and that your worried about the impact that could have on your relationship down the line.

You might be settled in your new house but in a scenario where you resent your partner for denying you the opportunity to complete your family. What good is that? Where as if you have the baby now and it coincides with a house move it will be more stress but it's short lived, you'll recover and everyone will be happy?

Have you spelled out to him that, at your age, it may be more difficult to conceive? Every month counts as you get closer to 40+.

I would try and have some difficult but honest conversations with him. It's well known that 35 is the age when many women's fertility starts to wane. I'd get hold of a couple of scientific studies to back this up and explain that while moving is something you can do in 1/2/5/7 years' time it may be that you don't have the same luxury of time for conceiving a second child. It really varies from woman to woman. Some women remain fertile into the first half of their 40s and beyond but some can even start menopause in their early 40s. We women can hear a huge tick-tock echoing through us while men are often oblivious. I wouldn't threaten him; I'd explain that you would rather start trying in case it takes you 1/2 + years to conceive. It's so hard to predict these things. Good luck!!

I think you need to sit him down, tell him very clearly that you're finding the desire for another baby is getting overwhelming now (which is common, it happens) and that it is making you miserable and you are really feeling the pressure of time. Be straight with him which you should be able to do if he's good enough to father your children. Not an argument, just saying it how it is.

I moved house whilst pg with a 3yo in tow because in the end we didn't wait for the house. It was fine. You do not need the house first but I suspect you already know that.

Maybe it's worth asking him while you're both relaxing at home if he still wants another child or would be happy to just leave things as they are. He could have changed his mind, but if he's adamant he wants another child you both need to communicate your feelings and hopefully reach a compromise. Saying you want to give up on your marriage and leave seems a bit harsh

I had 2nd child naturally when I was almost 40. Other than being 5 weeks early and being on the ASD scale she is fit and healthy My mum when aged 45 gave birth to younger sister, she us fit and healthy. We’re all born (7 of us in total) without defects etc. it would probably be easier to move while you have only one child and their belongings?

Issuing ultimatums in a relationships strains them forever. It might even signal the beginning of the end. There is no coming back from it.

I also want to echo posters who say that you should take a good look at what you already have, as walking away will affect not just you. I mean, if the relation isn't working than by all means walk away. It would be better to separate than to make each other miserable. However, if the relationship is generally good, then you would ruin it with an ultimatum. Even if you don't issue it, resentment over what you want rather than what you have could have a similar effect.

I would think long and hard about what future you want and what your currently family is worth to you.

It doesn't sound like you love your husband much.
It's very dramatic to say you'll divorce him unless he does it your way, and all for a few months. If I were him, I'd be very taken back by your stance.
I hope you retreat from this position as it will result in 3 losers in your family.