Is this an unfair ultimatum?

[Iuadaar]

For context DP has a very demanding job. He’s worked extremely hard and is good at what he does. I have a decent job too but since having dd, now 3, I’ve not had the same time to put into my career as I once did. It is no exaggeration to say I run DD’s entire week to ensure she is at nursery, has all she needs and so on.

At weekends DP takes over and does the hard work while I can spend time as a family or see friends. He is also very good with money and we have an equal amount per month, he probably spends more on DD than me overall from his share.

Anyway… all is good. Except I want another child and so does he… but, he wants to wait for us to move house. Our house has been on the market a few months and we’ve had interest, may drop the price a bit soon. Best case scenario we would have moved by April maybe? I’m 38 and want to get on with ttc. I don’t want to wait for a time when we are in a new home, which is open ended!

I am not sure if I am overly emotional or sensitive but I feel we can manage in the place we are in if we were to have a baby before we managed to move. I feel really upset that he is putting my body second… in that I will be older and may even find it hard to conceive already than we did a few years ago. I also feel aggrieved that it will be me doing 90% of all the childcare and not him, so I feel it’s my decision as to when it happens. I have said if we haven’t ttc by October then I don’t want to continue as I can’t stay with a man who has led me to believe we would parent two or three children and who is now wasting my final fertile years. Even if I didn’t meet anyone to have another child with, it would be better than being with someone who had deliberately wasted my final fertile years. We conceived dd on the first try and he is very confident all will be fine. I am not confident and also don’t want to be older when I give birth again. AIBU to put this ultimatum in place?

You need to discuss this and both come to a compromise.

If my husband gave me an ultimatum, I would be packing my bags and leaving. You are acting unreasonable and petty

It seems like an awful lot of entrenched positions on both sides and little effort to actually talk things through to understand why you each have these positions, at least as presented in your original post.

There are excellent practical reasons why he would want to wait until you’ve moved before ttc. There are excellent biological reasons for you to be concerned that delaying may actually prevent you conceiving. But you won’t win an argument by lobbing ultimata around: you need to find a path together where you both feel your concerns have been listened to and addressed, which is plainly what is lacking.

Get some statistics from a reliable source that show how fertility drops off between 35 and 40. Print off the NICE guidance on when couples can be referred for fertility support, and what the options and timelines are. Show him that this isn’t just you having a tantrum about the timings based purely on emotions. Let him show you what his concerns are so you can understand why he feels the way he does and then work together to find a middle ground.

What will not work is each adopting an entrenched position and refusing to engage with the other. You might as well find a divorce lawyer now if you’re truly not both prepared to handle this in a more adult fashion.

You say your Dh takes over at weekends, so if you have another baby, it’s not you doing 90% of the childcare.

Does he even know that fertility and changes of pregnancy drop off dramatically as we get older, have you explained that you may need to used fertility clinics at great cost the longer you wait to conceive seeing he also wants more children. Many men have no clue about fertility. They can wait and still be fathers much later.

I think divorce is extreme and being alone is easier said than done, but of course it’s your choice.

You can leave for any reason you want. However, do I think breaking up your family, having to downsize your house and split assets, making your child split custody between her parents, introducing your child to a new man, introducing a half sibling with a different Dad etc is a reasonable ultimatum to having to wait a little longer to try to conceive? No, I think it’s bonkers.

Even if you left tomorrow and met someone asap you’d have to know the man long enough to introduce to your daughter, live with him long enough and then TTC.

my sister had to move whilst 7 months pregnant didnt have a choce she said it was so hard and stressful i dont see why you cant wait

I think you’re being very unrealistic about the consequences of following through on your “ultimatum”. You would be parenting alone for at least some of the time, which will likely include some weekends when he currently steps up each weekend. You will he financially alone.

More to the point, in order to responsibility meet someone else, eventually (so after at least a year) introduce them to your current DD, slowly introduce them into your lives and even more slowly move towards living together when you are sure it is right for your dd to have another adult living in her home - I mean that’s a timeline of at least 3-4 years once you’ve met that person, which might well take you as long in itself.

By which time your “final fertile years” (dramatic or what?) will likely be well and truly gone.

Compared to your DH - who appears to be a decent man from your OP - just wanting to wait six months or so until you’ve moved.

He doesn’t seem like the kind of awful spouse who deserves ultimatums. He is just being cautious by my reading of it and not wanting to move with a new born.

The Math ain’t Mathing on this one! (As they say)

Playing something of a Devil's advocate here but are you named on the mortgage, OP?

My reason for asking is your DP may be considering that it may prove difficult to obtain the mortgage you need for a larger home if you are heavily pregnant,/on maternity leave when seeking a bigger one for the new house if your salary is needed for same.

Does that have anything to do with his train of thought?

If he didn't have kids with you already I'd be telling him to run a fucking mile.

Emotionally manipulative blackmail bullshit like that is a huge red flag.

As he has kids I'd tell him to call your bluff and wave you bye bye if you see it through

If you have a child together you need to work very hard to make the relationship work before walking away. You need counselling at the very least.

On thr face of it it is not reasonable to walk away just for this reason. Would you be looking for another man...a step dad for your child? Rather than fighting to keep your family together?

Life's goals is not about being owed fairness, especially when the dimensions of fairness is based on one's own perception.

Maturity is about focusing on compromises. If compromises are not good enough, it's about moving on and facing consequences.

Yes, I’d be doing the say if he was my son.

Or it is his way of not wanting a second child. Eeeking out the fertile time you have left.

You would actually split up your family over this?
Imagine you left him and cracked on with having a fictitious child, either alone or with another man (probably hooked in a state of desperation). Then you have to hand over your lovely 3 year old to your ex for part of the week. Isn't it better to have one and have her all the time?
Focus on your career - you yourself say you haven't had time to do that and another baby would make it near impossible.

This makes me realise that there really are so many people out there that actually don't love their partners or husband's very much.

They only love them to the extent that they do exactly what they want or they consider throwing their toys out of the pram and leaving.

In this case, the husband isn't saying no more children.He's just saying, wait a few months.

But she wants what she wants when she wants it and she's not prefer to compromise at all and is considering leaving.

It's just consider how hard it will be as a single parent and trying to find somebody else to have a second child with.

Could you agree a time frame? Attempt to sell and complete sale of house within next 4-6 months. Then TTC from 6 months.
I don’t think waiting much longer is sensible as you approach 40. Surely he is aware of the steep decline in female fertility after 35.
6 months wait would be the maximum I’d be prepared to give, and if he can’t appreciate your reasons why then he’s a bit of a dick.

When does he get a break to spend time with friends and family?

I think saying you organise your toddlers whole week to make sure she's got everything she needs was a bit of an indicator of how dramatic you are really.

It would be very unreasonable to try to manipulate someone into having a child that they aren't ready to have.

If you genuinely want to leave then leave. And be very quick about meeting someone else.

I think you were overdramatic. I’d have possibly said that if we haven’t sold by x date then we need to reconsider. But I wouldn’t break up my child’s parents over a few months…

If you want another child that's surely more likely to happen - and sooner - by waiting to move house than by splitting up, dealing with all the upheaval of that and finding someone else who wants to have a child with you? Or are you planning on ordering some sperm ASAP?

I would say just do what you can to expedite the move - if your house has been on for months without interest you need to lower the price ASAP. Maybe put it in a range of prices e.g. £340-360k so it hits a couple of search brackets on rightmove.

Your attitude about it being your choice as to when is really telling of your personality, OP.

you’re literally throwing your relationship away for the sake of a few months in the name of an imaginary child. I can’t ever imagine doing that.

You’ll render your existing child a broken home too. From a partner who appears to just want the best for his family. And how stressful for the 3 y/o?! A new sibling in the midst of moving house.

If I was your DH and I'd been on the receiving end of such a harsh ultimatum I'd be questioning our marriage. It's not so much what you're telling him, that you'd leave him for not giving you another baby, but how you coached it - that you would blame him for wasting your fertile years. Pretty horrible thing to say to a man who by your own admission is a loving and supportive husband and hands on dad. As I say, it would give me huge pause about our marriage and how I felt about you.

Never ever issue an ultimatum you don't intend to keep.

Your current set up sounds very idyllic. Being a single mum = really really not idyllic by comparison.

I think you're probably both being unreasonable. You shouldn't issue an ultimatum. Not unless you really mean it - and you sound like you don't. He could relax a little about the whole moving first thing....I mean, pregnancy is a whole 40 weeks??

Talk to him. Call the estate agent. Make your house super sellable. Talk to him again, remind both of yourselves that "TTC" as we now have to call it can also be fun. Enjoy your life, it sounds good and it won't be if you split up.