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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughters, wives, bridesmaid dresses

348 replies

ByScott · 01/09/2025 11:13

Would you expect to be involved in going shopping/choosing a bridesmaid dress for your 13/14 year old daughter?

Would you be accepting of your daughter having lunch/shopping and having beauty/hair appointments with her half sister and her mother (my ex- wife)? There are other women present as well.

I can’t see how this can be avoided? My wife is angry and feels it is inappropriate.

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 01/09/2025 15:04

ByScott · 01/09/2025 14:56

My wife can’t articulate why she is upset about this in particular.

She is upset about the location of the wedding and that her (adult) children are not invited. She can articulate that. She says it is inappropriate that our daughter is with my ex wife. She can’t articulate why particularly. She has never said that my ex would say anything inappropriate to our daughter, which she never would.

There is nothing wrong with having half siblings and it is completely illogical to say my daughters are siblings.

Had I referred to them as sisters I think the comprehension would have flatlined.

I think your wife needs to get some help. Please do not let her spoil either of your daughters day.

BettysRoasties · 01/09/2025 15:06

Sounds like the whole wedding is putting a spanner in current wife mind.

She’s had her wedding/s so tough on locations she doesn’t get to decide anyone else’s.

Why would her older children be invited to her step daughter’s wedding as presumably adults. Would she expect her parents to also be invited weird.

Why can the youngest daughter not be near the Ex wife it’s not like she’s trying to step mum her daughter. She’s with her own daughter doing bridal stuff.

On a limb again. Wife not happy her whole family not invited, wife not happy she’s not a bigger part of the wedding and not actually involved with the bits her youngest is getting involved in so nose out at not being mother of the bride and getting a say over everything.

Id make sure you’ve got a lot of whiskey in when it comes to your youngest getting married. 🫣

cattykinns · 01/09/2025 15:06

nomas · 01/09/2025 14:12

You posted too late. This has already been covered. Read the thread.

Show quote history

😂 read the thread! 😂

U53rName · 01/09/2025 15:07

ByScott · 01/09/2025 11:13

Would you expect to be involved in going shopping/choosing a bridesmaid dress for your 13/14 year old daughter?

Would you be accepting of your daughter having lunch/shopping and having beauty/hair appointments with her half sister and her mother (my ex- wife)? There are other women present as well.

I can’t see how this can be avoided? My wife is angry and feels it is inappropriate.

My wife is angry

I do hope she doesn’t ruin this poor girl’s wedding day.

dodobedo · 01/09/2025 15:08

Would you expect to be involved in going shopping/choosing a bridesmaid dress for your 13/14 year old daughter?

NO

Would you be accepting of your daughter having lunch/shopping and having beauty/hair appointments with her half sister and her mother (my ex- wife)? There are other women present as well.

YES

What does your daughter think about it? Is she happy to go?

cattykinns · 01/09/2025 15:08

ARichtGoodDram · 01/09/2025 14:13

You’re not helping yourself here. Your daughters ARE sisters!! They are half sisters, but they are still sisters! Just because someone isn’t a full blooded sibling doesn’t not mean they are not sisters/brothers. This is a really weird hill to die on.

I think the point is that him using half sisters in his post made it very clear that they didn't have the same mother

Hence the sheer irritation at people making out like he didn't make it clear when he absolutely did because two half sisters who have the same father cannot, by sheer definition, have the same mother

No it isn’t. I get using the ‘half sister’ to differentiate relationships at the start, but then doubling down and saying his his daughters aren’t sisters is really weird…

SparklingRivers · 01/09/2025 15:11

ByScott · 01/09/2025 11:28

I thought that my post was straightforward.

My wife is annoyed that our daughter is spending time with my ex wife as my elder daughter is planning her wedding.

Your wife needs to get a grip. Your daughter is a teenager, her sister is getting married. If she was 5 I could understand maybe wanting another close relative there to help supervise her, but at 13 unless she has severe additional needs and requires constant supervision then there's no reason why your ex being there is at all relevant, she's not going to be looking after a 13 year old.

U53rName · 01/09/2025 15:13

Another blended families success story….

Original poster
ByScott · 01/09/2025 15:13

My daughters don’t consider themselves sisters because they’re not. They are half sisters- why would they need to lie about this? There is nothing wrong with having half-siblings. If a marriage fails, are we supposed to just stay on our own? However, not point of thread.

My Wife at no point wished to go bridesmaid dress shopping. She isn’t jealous of this and at no point is she attempting to ruin our daughter’s experience,

She just finds it difficult that our daughter is spending time with my ex wife. When people remarry they don’t realise the situations that can potentially arise and the feelings that can be engendered.

I do not wish to speak to my mother, cousin or sister-in-law about this. I did begin to speak to a female friend but stopped as I thought it was disrespectful to my wife. This is why I am here.

I didn’t even know about the voting.

Those who haven’t got sidetracked by the half-siblings debate or my incomprehensible first post think that it’s perfectly fine.

OP posts:
Applesonthelawn · 01/09/2025 15:14

It is totally normal for the 13 year old to go shopping with the bride and the mother of the bride for her bridesmaid dress. It would be unusual for your current wife to be involved, but I understand that a mother's instinct is to keep her 13 year old within her scope of control and so that may be a little uncomfortable for her. But unavoidable. You have said she will be well cared for by the (half) sister and your ex. So let it go.
It is normal for your current wife's children, who are not related to the bride, not to be invited, because they are not remotely siblings, let along the half siblings that you are so keen to differentiate from full siblings. Your wife is probably letting this fuel her discomfort around letting the 13 year old shop without her.
Your insistence on differentiating between a full and a half sibling is very odd and implies you may have tried to write your relationship with your ex out of history possibly to appease your current wife, and this may be another symptom of her sensitivity around your ex. If so, it's for your current wife to get over.
They are siblings - let them know and enjoy each other.

Change2banon · 01/09/2025 15:15

@ByScott Surely you can see your wife is just jealous? Surely you understand she CAN actually articulate her thoughts and feelings, but is choosing not to because she knows just how ridiculous and immature she’s being?

NeatKoala · 01/09/2025 15:17

ByScott · 01/09/2025 15:13

My daughters don’t consider themselves sisters because they’re not. They are half sisters- why would they need to lie about this? There is nothing wrong with having half-siblings. If a marriage fails, are we supposed to just stay on our own? However, not point of thread.

My Wife at no point wished to go bridesmaid dress shopping. She isn’t jealous of this and at no point is she attempting to ruin our daughter’s experience,

She just finds it difficult that our daughter is spending time with my ex wife. When people remarry they don’t realise the situations that can potentially arise and the feelings that can be engendered.

I do not wish to speak to my mother, cousin or sister-in-law about this. I did begin to speak to a female friend but stopped as I thought it was disrespectful to my wife. This is why I am here.

I didn’t even know about the voting.

Those who haven’t got sidetracked by the half-siblings debate or my incomprehensible first post think that it’s perfectly fine.

There's nothing wrong with having half-siblings, but you are very weird if you don't want them to think of each other as sisters, and want to be with each other for wedding dress shopping!

I get the distinction to explain which wife is what in the story.

She just finds it difficult that our daughter is spending time with my ex wife.
too bad? she's spending time with, again, her SISTER. She's not going wedding dress shopping for your ex wife?

HOW can it be inappropriate for the MOTHER OF THE BRIDE to be present to buy bridesmaid dress for a young teenager, the sister?

Your wife is ridiculous and jealous. Would she prefer for her own daughter to be excluded of the wedding, when again it's her sister?

NeatKoala · 01/09/2025 15:19

Those who haven’t got sidetracked by the half-siblings debate or my incomprehensible first post think that it’s perfectly fine.

It's not being sidetracked, it's very relevant. How can you not see that?

Trendyname · 01/09/2025 15:20

CountryQueen · 01/09/2025 11:18

A kid is going shopping with her mum and your wife is mad about it?

what have the other women got to do with anything? Maybe you could rewrite this so that it makes sense.

No it’s kid is going for shopping with half sister and half sister’s mother.

Spacebarn · 01/09/2025 15:22

With regard to the current wife being upset about her adult children not being invited did her children and your eldest daughter grow up together as step siblings?

Notagain75 · 01/09/2025 15:23

ByScott · 01/09/2025 15:13

My daughters don’t consider themselves sisters because they’re not. They are half sisters- why would they need to lie about this? There is nothing wrong with having half-siblings. If a marriage fails, are we supposed to just stay on our own? However, not point of thread.

My Wife at no point wished to go bridesmaid dress shopping. She isn’t jealous of this and at no point is she attempting to ruin our daughter’s experience,

She just finds it difficult that our daughter is spending time with my ex wife. When people remarry they don’t realise the situations that can potentially arise and the feelings that can be engendered.

I do not wish to speak to my mother, cousin or sister-in-law about this. I did begin to speak to a female friend but stopped as I thought it was disrespectful to my wife. This is why I am here.

I didn’t even know about the voting.

Those who haven’t got sidetracked by the half-siblings debate or my incomprehensible first post think that it’s perfectly fine.

I have a half sister, We have never referred to each other as half sisters We are sisters. The half bit is irrelevant.

U53rName · 01/09/2025 15:23

Spacebarn · 01/09/2025 15:22

With regard to the current wife being upset about her adult children not being invited did her children and your eldest daughter grow up together as step siblings?

They probably got told not to….YOU ARE NOT SIBLINGS. DO NOT BEHAVE AS SUCH.

Trendyname · 01/09/2025 15:24

hydriotaphia · 01/09/2025 11:26

Are you the dad who is getting remarried, and your DD is going shopping with your future wife for her dress? I think that is fine. However, I guess just be sensitive to what your DD wants.

How did you arrive to this? How can you read future wife when it is written ex-wife in the op?

Merryhobnobs · 01/09/2025 15:24

I thought you were just referring to them constantly as half sisters for purpose of the comprehension of this thread. Of course they are siblings. They are not step, they are blood related. My Gran had a half brother an sister from her dad's previous marriage. The only time she ever referred to them as half was when explaining things regarding family tree. She considered them her siblings, just as they did. Even though they were much older. It's really strange to not unless it was an absolute massive age gap but even then they are still siblings!

Icecoldfeet20 · 01/09/2025 15:24

Your wife should ask herself if she’d be upset if your eldest daughter wouldnt be allowed to come to your youngest daughters wedding events because she (your current wife) would inevitably be there as her mother. Its not pleasant, but it’s life.

jonthebatiste · 01/09/2025 15:27
  1. Your reading and writing skills need improvement, and criticising others for poor reading comprehension when your first few posts are unintelligible and contradictory is not okay.
  2. as the mother of a 13yo girl, the only say I would need to have is whether whatever she wears at the wedding is appropriate for a 13yo. No matter what the bride wants, I wouldn’t have her in a church or registry office or anywhere else frankly looking like a 20-something year old woman. That means heels, make-up, hair, nails, dress, everything needs to be age appropriate. That doesn’t mean “look like a large toddler”. It means “not look like a woman”. 13/14 is an awkward age for girls and it’s difficult getting it right.
  3. separately, the best think for your younger daughter is to have as many healthy and good relationships in her life as possible. Your current wife knew you had an ex-wife and daughter already when she married you. She was an adult. She must manage her emotions by herself. There’s nothing harmful to either of your daughters in any of your posts. Your current wife just needs to suck it up.
  4. gel nails are nasty on a 13yo imo but if she and the bride want them for the day I wouldn’t say no. I would be taking my DD to have them removed (not easy) the very next day however.
Trendyname · 01/09/2025 15:29

BettysRoasties · 01/09/2025 11:31

Your daughter is getting married. Your younger daughter as a teen is her bridesmaid. Lovely.

As bridesmaid she’s going to dress fitting and getting a full on pamper. With her sister. Great. Older daughters mother is obviously there because you know mother of the bride.

Your new wife needs to get over herself. She decided to marry a man who had children and have more children. It’s lovely that both your daughters get on and have clearly a lovely bond.

You are right about every thing other than current wife being the new wife. She and op have 13 year old dd together. Not that new.

I agree with everything else.

Pregnancyquestion · 01/09/2025 15:31

ByScott · 01/09/2025 11:28

I thought that my post was straightforward.

My wife is annoyed that our daughter is spending time with my ex wife as my elder daughter is planning her wedding.

I think she’s being unreasonable. She’s a bridesmaid. She’s going shopping and for dinner with the bridal party. I don’t understand why that feels inappropriate, this is just the nature of the game with blended families

BettysRoasties · 01/09/2025 15:31

Trendyname · 01/09/2025 15:29

You are right about every thing other than current wife being the new wife. She and op have 13 year old dd together. Not that new.

I agree with everything else.

Show quote history

Well she’s new in the sense she’s not the old wife. And current wife sounds more like she could become the next old wife 😅

BrendaSmall · 01/09/2025 15:34

ByScott · 01/09/2025 11:23

The ‘kid’ is going shopping with her half sister and her dad’s ex wife. I mentioned that other women are present in case people thought they were more intimate occasions than they were.

No problem at all!
it’s not like she’s little, she’s old enough to say what she wants to do!