Daughters, wives, bridesmaid dresses

[ByScott]

Would you expect to be involved in going shopping/choosing a bridesmaid dress for your 13/14 year old daughter?

Would you be accepting of your daughter having lunch/shopping and having beauty/hair appointments with her half sister and her mother (my ex- wife)? There are other women present as well.

I can’t see how this can be avoided? My wife is angry and feels it is inappropriate.

Your younger daughter should absolutely be included in the shopping trips and all of the stuff that goes along with that, as she is the bridesmaid. I see nothing wrong with her going with her half sister’s mother, if they weren’t related at all she’d be going…. I hope she’s loving the whole experience. I do, however, understand why your wife is feeling a bit weird about it all though, as there wouldn’t likely be any other circumstances your younger daughter would be spending so much time with your ex wife. Blended families are never easy, and you actually sound like you’ve got it together. What is happening with the seating at the wedding? Re you and your wife both at the top table? Does your ex wife have a partner who will also be at the top table? It can get complicated, but it can all be worked through. Good luck, I hope the wedding is fabulous.

I think it's great your daughter has been asked to be a bridesmaid and very odd that your wife doesn't want her mixing with your ex.
Did you leave your ex for your wife and she is massively insecure?
I also find it very very odd that your present wife is sad her adult children have not been invited..... they are step siblings and we don't know the back story but I bet there is one.
I expect your wife is going to the wedding but wonder if she is actually welcome as she sounds very controlling.

I don’t have a 14 year old daughter but my DS has a sister from my husbands first marriage. He visits his sister at her mums house and she has him unsupervised ie I trust this woman to take care of my child as she trusts me to care for hers. Unless there is some
other history. I don’t see the issue.

Why is she bothered about her children not being invited? They’re not the brides family. I never went dress shopping with my step kids and I wasn’t expected to be invited. Not my family. Half’s , steps or sisters? What does it matter? They’re bonding and I think it’s lovely.
Your wife needs to keep her sticky beak out of it. It’s literally nothing to do with her.

I would be so sad if my DSD referred to my DS as her half brother. He isn’t a half person. They have always referred to each other as brother and sister. Just as my DH refers to his brother as his brother despite them having two different fathers. In the modern world of blended families this distinction seems artificial and sad.

So W2 is mother to the bridesmaid? I think your original post suggested it was W1 as you referred to "her mother".

Maybe your wife is just worried the DD you share will prefer your Ex in some way? Or that she's having a day out with them she hasn't had with DD herself?

I don't see any other issues as long as you know your ExW is a responsible person. If you broke up because she was a flighty, untrustworthy spendthrift then perhaps W2 has a point...

Your wife is totally unreasonable and clearly jealous.

OP, I think your wife is feeling a bit out of place and left out (of course she wouldn’t be included in the shopping and prep etc but that must still feel a bit weird for her). I don’t think she needs to wind her neck in or grow the fuck up as I have seen, I just think she doesn’t know what she should do during the run up and actual wedding, assuming she is invited. I guess her position as DD2s mum may feel a bit redundant as it would usually be a thing for actual mum n daughter to do (shopping, appointments etc). She will be back to normal once it’s all over

My SS has two half siblings. His mother is no longer with their father. They all spend time with any one of us and even her new partner sometimes.

this is one of those rise above moments that happen in blended families I am afraid, its about the kids!

Not really, as it is pertinent to the post.

Generally in life, I suspect most people refer to half siblings as 'my brother / my sister' but the situation was confusing enough at the start of the thread, without pretending it wasn't relevant that the OP had one dd with his first wife and one dd with his second wife. That's kind of the point of the situation.

Your DW is being unreasonable

Honestly I can see both sides….

This is a very special time for your eldest daughter and her mum… dress shopping together etc is very special… it’s absolutely lovely that your DD1 has asked her half sister (DD2) to be her bridesmaid…. So this is very special for your youngest DD too!

Now I can understand your wife feeling a little strange about her DD spending time with your ex wife and possibly your ex SIL’s & your ex MIL etc…. It would feel very odd for her .. she may be feeling sad that her involvement in her daughters excitement of choosing a dress is zero…. Maybe your DD could take some snaps of her trying on dresses and send them to her mum so she doesn’t feel so out of all your DD’s excitement?!

I also can see the other side - remind your wife that when DD2 gets married.. if she wants tour DD1 as BM your wife will definitely not be wanting to share choosing dresses etc with your DD1’s mother!!….

So you wife needs to consider how she’d feel if the roles were reversed….. but in the same token maybe you and DD need to consider how she feels being completely out of all this excitement… & definitely suggest to your daughters that it might be nice if they could send your wife a couple of pictures of DD2 trying On BM dresses … and I also think that at 14 your DD should have enough sensitivity not to go on about how nice she thinks your ex wife and ex in-laws are!!

I think the only thing weird about this situation is your insistance that your daughters are half sisters, and not sisters. Embrace the fact that they seem to get on like a house on fire because so many siblings with one parent different don't. As for your wife, she is feeling some kind of way that your former family unit are making decisions about her daughter without her consent. I take it none of them approached her to check if getting nails done was a thing or if particular dress styles was appropriate? That is the issue - decisions are being made about her daughter and her appearance without her input. It's not jealousy but maybe perceived lack of control on her parenting and that's why she can't articulate what is making her feel that way?

Ok, I thought I was following until it got to

“The older one, whose mother is my ex is obviously involved with our daughter’s wedding.”

is it the older daughter who is getting married? She’s the bride? Or someone else?

(I did at one point wonder if it’s the ex-wife who is getting married, but just want to check; and yes, I’ve read all of OPs posts)

as for shopping; doesn’t seem unreasonable if it’s the 13yo’s half-sister who is the bride and it seems lovely. I agree with PP who’ve said it needs a bit of sensitivity, but that’s a gentle discussion with your older daughter, that you can have, isn’t it?

as for half sisters, I have one and I refer to her as my half-sister. I’ve only met her twice, so really don’t know her. Not sure what the issue is?

I might perhaps be secretly a bit jealous or worried my daughter might prefer the company of the ex wife but that would be my own insecurities and i definitely wouldn't be vocal about i as i would see it as my problem and I would not want to spoil a fun day for my daughter. To be honest, its nice that your ex wife has invited your younger daughter. To be angry about it is a bit OTT.

I don't get why you insist that they call each other half siblings! My DD's dad is due to have another baby with his GF and I just refer to her as my DD's sister when talking about it to her.

@Hayley1256 , I'm the opposite. I don't understand why you refer to your refer DD's half-sister as 'my DD's sister'. The half-sister isn't your child.

That OP's DDs are half-sisters is relevant to the thread.

Because I don't want DD to treat her any differently, she sees her as a sister so I'm not going to keep pointing out that there only going to be half sisters - what would be the point in that? I refer to as her half sister to other people but not to DD. She knows their technically half sisters but just call her her sister

Why would she treat her father's younger child differently depending on whether she called her half-sister?
Sister is probably less complicated for her.

Grow up.

I understand your wife feeling a bit funny about it all - of course it is 100% the MOB role to be at dress fittings etc but your wife probably feels bit sad that she’s not been able to be part of her own daughter’s excitement about being a bridesmaid
And maybe it’s also making her nervous about feeling excluded at the wedding itself as she’s not in the main wedding party? Of course, that’s the way things are done and it is entirely up to the bride - but she might have hoped her other children would be invited so she could have sat with them and enjoyed the wedding in their company while you’re being FOB

Eh?

Sorry, what?

This reminds me of the old riddle from years ago, remember? "Brothers and sisters have I none, but that man's father is my father's son."