Daughters, wives, bridesmaid dresses

[ByScott]

Would you expect to be involved in going shopping/choosing a bridesmaid dress for your 13/14 year old daughter?

Would you be accepting of your daughter having lunch/shopping and having beauty/hair appointments with her half sister and her mother (my ex- wife)? There are other women present as well.

I can’t see how this can be avoided? My wife is angry and feels it is inappropriate.

My wife has not said anything at all ever to our daughter.

She did mention that the gel stuff had to be removed before school and couldn’t understand why it was done at a trial. Only negative comment which was water off a duck’s back to my youngest

She doesn’t know that our daughter has been having a laugh with my ex. My elder daughter told me this . Younger daughter has met my ex on one occasion before all this and was very shy but now she is chatty apparently and has been asking her questions about how we met etc. My wife I don’t think knows this.

My wife will not ruin anything for anybody. My ex is not a danger to anyone and of course would treat my younger daughter well.

It seems very off that you are so determined to insist that they are not sisters.

They might have different Mothers but you are both their Fathers and it is surprising that you are constantly insisting that they are not sisters.
They might be half but they are sisters and it seems very divisive of you replying to every post to point out that they are not.
Is there a back story here?
Most people would be delighted to have their daughters be sisters!!

Why are you getting your knickers in a twist regarding the use of the word sisters? They are sisters, be that full or half - they are related by blood.

Weird hill to die on...

Snap!

I voted YABU but I mean your wife is BU. I hope your daughter isn’t aware of your wife’s wishes and enjoys the excitement of being a bridesmaid for her big sister

It's not difficult to understand.

You have 2 daughters, one with your ex-wife and the other with your current wife.

Your ex-wife is remarrying and has asked both of your daughters to be bridesmaids. Hence the girlie wedding shopping trip.

I think that is really lovely and inclusive of your ex-wife and no, I wouldn't have a problem with it at all, especially as she will be with her older sister etc.. It sounds fun.

Why would your current wife expect to join the makeup and hair and dress sessions for the bridal party?

Unless you have some reason to think your elder daughter and her mother will behave inappropriately around your younger daughter she is plenty old enough to try on a dress and have an opinion without needing her mother’s supervision. I loathe gel nails etc on youngsters but for a 14 year old being a bridesmaid I’d shrug and let it go as a special occasion if its what the bride and bridesmaids wanted. When mine did bridesmaiding at this age they didn’t need me to accompany them to dress fittings (there was always a bride’s mother or similar present). I only went if explicitly asked, ditto their dad with the boys on page duty.

The only way you will understand why your wife is upset is by asking her. If your younger daughter wants her sister as a bridesmaid when she marries would she expect to invite your ex to these sessions?

Because if they were full sisters there wouldn’t even be a post by the Op as all the brides appointments etc would be with their shared mother.
But the sisters have different Mothers, which makes them half sisters, and the new wife is not 100% happy with her DD going with the old wife

Well she's right about nails coming off for school - totally inappropriate at her age to be going to school with gel nails on.

Oh the irony 😆😆
Not difficult to understand, yet you have not understood… read again to see who’s actually getting married 😆😆

Have you asked your current wife why she is upset?

I don't know why OP keeps insisting that half-sisters aren't sisters. They kind of are, certainly when it comes to things like inheritance. More to the point his own DDs consider themselves sisters.

So it's lovely that younger sister is going to be older sister's bridesmaid, and that they're going shopping for the bridesmaid's dress together. All the adults should be glad they have this relationship and make every effort to support it.

I think people's bafflement arises from thinking that there must be more to this. Because on the face of it, it's flamin' obvious that 2nd wife/mum is totally unreasonable. More than unreasonable - threatening to derail this little rite of passage for her daughter and stepdaughter, out of what - jealousy, dislike of 1st wife, fear?

Whether OP is being unreasonable to support his angry wife is a different question. Sounds like he's looking for a reason to agree with her, so he doesn't have to confront her and in her eyes "defend" his DDs and ex.

In your wife's shoes, I would set guidelines on what is and is not acceptable. eg: I would not allow my 13 yr to have gel or artificial nails. I would also set some guidelines on what I consider to be acceptable clothing if they are shopping for a dress. Then I'd back off and leave them to it.

I think at the age your youngest daughter is this is fine. She is in the care of her big (half) sister. My sister came to visit me when she was an adult and I took her on a shopping spree and for a haircut with no input from our parents. She loved it. Is your ex wife someone who caused problems or is likely to cause some sort of issues? Otherwise it's fine.

I think it’s weird you are focused on the sisters vs half sisters language.

We have several half siblings on our blended family but we just call them sisters / brothers etc.

But to your actual question - your daughter spending time with your ex wife for these short specific trips shouldn’t really be an issue.

OK so elder daughter is actually getting married. Even less reason for current wife to care. Of course they are going to shop together.

My wife can’t articulate why she is upset about this in particular.

She is upset about the location of the wedding and that her (adult) children are not invited. She can articulate that. She says it is inappropriate that our daughter is with my ex wife. She can’t articulate why particularly. She has never said that my ex would say anything inappropriate to our daughter, which she never would.

There is nothing wrong with having half siblings and it is completely illogical to say my daughters are siblings.

Had I referred to them as sisters I think the comprehension would have flatlined.

Yes I agree. I was pointing out your irony of it not being difficult to understand OP, when it CLEARLY is 🤷‍♀️😂

The first few posts were extremely confusing, you only gave context after. So this is why ppl are unclear

Can’t see an issue, current wife seems unreasonable

It sounds like some insecurity, maybe jealousy, on your wife's part. I know sometimes when I have the hump about something, and I know I'm being unreasonable, I can't/don't want to articulate it because I know I'll seem daft.

Sometimes something doesn't feel right and I can't really pinpoint why.

But either way, it's for your wife to manage by herself. There really is nothing wrong with the situation, she just needs to put her feelings aside for the sake of your daughter.

Took me a bit to work out who you were and who is who's mother, so your daughter is going dress shopping with your ex wife who isnt your child's mum and her daughter (who is also your daughter) and your wife who is the mother of the your youngest is annoyed she isn't invited? Well assuming they can't stand eachother it's hardly going to be the nice exciting shopping trip that bridesmaid shopping usually is if your ex husband's new wife wants to tag along. Who's getting married?

As long as she's keeping it between you two and not letting it show to either of the girls then she'll just have to work it out.

Were you both expecting her children to be invited? Is it perhaps a realisation for her that her relationship with your DD isn't what she thought it was?

wedding location - nothing to do with her
adult children not being invited - nothing to do with her and totally not expected
feeling about daughter with half sister- she needs therapy on this. she is part of a blended family and this happens.
I personally think it great daughter is involved as sometimes half siblings second families etc are ignored and no contact ever.
your wife needs to understand its not her wedding nor her daughter getting married. what is she going to be like if her daughter gets married and wants half sister to be bridesmaid in years to come?
wife needs to have help get over this resentment she has

Your wife CAN articulate why she is upset - she just doesn’t want to because she knows she is being ridiculous.