Daughters, wives, bridesmaid dresses

[ByScott]

Would you expect to be involved in going shopping/choosing a bridesmaid dress for your 13/14 year old daughter?

Would you be accepting of your daughter having lunch/shopping and having beauty/hair appointments with her half sister and her mother (my ex- wife)? There are other women present as well.

I can’t see how this can be avoided? My wife is angry and feels it is inappropriate.

Your wife is jealous. She isn't jealous of the shopping or the wedding. She is jealous of her daughter spending time with someone who once was very important to you. This has nothing to do with how much contact you have with your ex or your feelings for her now. Jealously isn't a rational or reasonable emotion, that is why she can't explain why to you. Your 13 year old is fine with her half-sister and her half sister's mother, so let them go as planned. Your wife will survive and may find out that it doesn't actually matter that much to her when it happens. Sometimes we build things up too much in our minds.

So bizarre to get annoyed at people referring to them as sisters. And even weirder for your girls to view themselves as ‘half’. They’re siblings, they share a dad. Most people with half siblings don’t distinguish unless explaining the make up of a family.

Your wife is being very unreasonable of course she shouldn’t be in involved your DD is 13! Why can’t she enjoy the day with her ‘sister’ and her Mum!!

I hope you think the same and are advocating for your daughters.

Had I referred to them as sisters I think the comprehension would have flatlined.

It did anyway.

I think this is the real issue. She doesn’t like older kids are not invited like a family but youngest dd is overinvolved. Even if she doesn’t know about dd asking ex wife how you both met ( which I think is a bit disrespectful to current wife), your wife can sense your dd being overzealous and she is upset at one kid overindulged, others ( even if they are not close but for her should be part of extended family)not even being invited to the wedding.

Why does she think her adult kids would ne invited to your daughter's wedding? Why is the location a problem or is it abroad?

l would guesss it will just be jealousy. She won't want your dd getting on well with your ex, realises this is unreasonable so says she can't articulate it.

So if your younger daughter marries, her mum could be involved but not your ex?

Does your wife think that she needs to be there to "look after" her daughter?

You have summed up perfectly what I was going to say basically shes jealous plus feeling left out/annoyed as her kids aren't invited. Op as long as your daughters are happy the rest is really irrelevant

I agree with this. Op is offended with daughters being called sisters when they are half sisters but is ok to call both current wife and ex wife ‘wives’ in his title. There is only one wife, the other is ex wife.

This makes your (current) wife's position and upset even more incomprehensible.

The wedding venue is nothing to do with her. It is her stepdaughter getting married. She gets no say in it. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't need to attend.

Your older daughter is no blood relation whatsoever to your (current) wife's older children, who are her step-siblings. If your daughters do not consider themselves sisters, despite being half-sisters (ergo, they are actually siblings!), why on earth would the one getting married consider her step-siblings worthy of a wedding invitation?

Is this one of those second marriage situations where your family have never treated your (current) wife's children as if they are grandchildren/cousins etc and she is unhappy about that? Has she tried to force a relationship that wasn't there, and is now upset that the two girls who share a father are inevitably closer and have a relationship with each other, and with your family, that her older ones will never have?

And did your (current) wife behave in a suitably welcoming and friendly manner to your older daughter? Has she been a good stepmother to her? Or is she one of those stepmothers who would rather not be faced with their husband having a previous family, despite having one herself?

This is why I asked if the adult kids grew up together. If OP and current wife have a 13 year old together they have been together a good while, presumably since the elder daughter and current wife's children were kids. In which case it might seem a little off for elder daughter not to invite her step siblings to her wedding. Of course they might not know each other at all depending on the circumstances or they might not get on.
I do think current wife is being unreasonable about the bridesmaid stuff but was interested in the back story, for all we know she could be justified in feeling sore about her children not being invited. Although of course its ultimately up to the bride

If the half siblings are not even allowed to be siblings I’m sure the steps certain don’t see each other as any type of family.

I think your wife sounds reasonable in a way, she’s not said no, or tried to stop daughter from going, but feels uncomfortable, which is, I think normal to feel a little unsure when your child, however old they are starts spending time with adults you don’t know.

As long as she aware and doesn’t comment then she’s doing ok

I don’t think he’s offend, people are unable to understand the relationships if he calls them sister.

You seem very, very fixated on the "half sisters" and I feel bloody sorry for your older DD if this is the position you've always taken. I imagine DD1 was probably the same age as DD2 is now when you remarried and had your other child, I hope to God you've never peddled the "half sister" shit out loud. Did you and your new wife have actively wanted to keep DD's at arms length?

Do you not see how leaving family 1 (even by mutual agreement) and then having family 2 but telling the child from family 1 they are "only half" siblings could be damaging?

Thankfully your older DD doesn't seem to have taken your stance and is involving her younger sister in her wedding.

Its not difficult to understand. Someone's half sister is someone else's daughter. Someone else's daughter is someone's else's half sister. Someone is married to OP. Someone else isn't. One person is the daughter of someone and not of someone else. Some people have been shopping with someones daughter, someones half sister and someones mother. Someone's mother is having lunch. Someone's mother is upset. Someone is getting married and someone has had gel nails.
Can't people on this thread read?

I can understand your wife’s feelings. I would feel the same. Ex wife is part of your past and ordinarily wouldn’t have a relationship with your daughter from current relationship. As part of the wedding planning and being a bridesmaid your daughter is doing fun stuff and building a connection with ex wife. Probably feels uncomfortable for your wife. No need to dissect, ‘fix’ or understand. Just be there for your wife, listen to her and give her a hug.

Your wife is being silly. She’s obviously jealous of your shared daughter spending time and having fun with your ex-wife.

There’s nothing inappropriate about what you describe. Your wife should realise this is good and much better than the alternative which is for your shared daughter to be excluded from an enjoyable experience.

I hope your elder daughter has a wonderful wedding and your younger daughter enjoys being part of it.

Sorry,
so you and your first daughters mum separated.
you remarried and had another daughter.
your first wife is now remarrying and for some reason has asked your young daughter who is no relation to the bride to be a bridesmaid? That is so so strange.
if my ex created a half sibling for my son, I wouldn’t invite this half sibling to my wedding let alone have them in the bridal party

I would expect one parent to be involved in the process, if just to ensure that the dress chosen is age appropriate and the daughter is comfortable with what is being asked of her.

What is your obsession which referring them to half sisters and so against them being called sister. THEY ARE SISTERS!

@Unexpectedlysinglemum , it's the OP's daughter with his exW getting married, and she has asked OP's daughter from his current marriage to be bridesmaid.

No the elder/first daughter is marrying, and his second dd with his second wife is bridesmaid . Current wife uncomfortable for reasons that she can't articulate apparently.

I think half sisters are still OK to call each other sisters/siblings. My niece has a half brother but she just calls him her brother and we all know who she means!

Your wife is unreasonable to be upset about this, it's nice that your younger daughter is included and if it was me in your wife's position I'd actually be upset if my child was left out of these appointments. So I don't understand her perspective at all.
Maybe it just upsets her in general that you were married with a child before her.

That’s not “your ex wife” to your daughter. That is her sister’s mother.

Your wife (her mother) needs to wind her neck in. This isn’t about her. This is a beautiful experience to be shared with sisters and as the bride, she is perfectly entitled to have her own mother there too.

Your wife needs to grow up a little it seems.