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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend helped herself to my birthday cake - is she ill or rude?

503 replies

Topofthecliffs · 01/09/2025 09:04

I had a birthday party as a fundraiser for a charity on Saturday. I invited all my favourite people plus a friend who has been behaving oddly and has been rude and abrupt recently.
We had a live band and planned a cold buffet during the interval. Timings were band started at 7pm, supper at 8pm then more music and dancing.
At 7.45pm the strange friend approached DH and told him some people were very hungry and the food should be served now! He explained it would be soon.
I took the covers off the buffet at 7.50pm. She happily dived in and filled a big plateful. At 8.45pm the band played happy birthday, I blew out the candles, and took out a knife to cut the (huge and beautifully decorated) cake. I went to fetch some napkins to serve the slices on. As I turned to the cake I saw SF pick up the knife and hack a big triangular slice for herself from the front. She made off with it to her table. We were all astonished and have been trying to understand why she thought this was appropriate behaviour.
For info she is 70, a highly educated professional, but socially awkward. She has been becoming increasingly impatient and anxious in cafes and hotels at meal times wanting to get in as soon as the doors are open and wanting to be served first. She sometimes takes other people’s orders if they arrive before hers eg a cappuccino
AIBU - yes she is unwell and you should be compassionate - no she was rude and behaving like a greedy toddler.

OP posts:
PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 01/09/2025 20:52

Absolutely agree @MummyJ36 if it was a 70 yo man, stealing food/drinks, being rude and critical, not a chance there'd be as many of the 'awww noooo be kind! Your birthdays not about YOU!! You are a dreadful person for not prioritising him and serving him.food on demand!! He was HUNGRY the poor darling'...

Judithdances · 01/09/2025 20:53

* I invited all my favourite people plus a friend who has been behaving oddly and has been rude and abrupt recently.*

so all your favourite people plus, quite randomly, someone you don’t really seem to like?!

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 01/09/2025 20:55

If it’s a change in behaviour then I think mental decline is a definite possibility. Do you have any mutual friends or contact with any of her family members who you could consult with?

Cherrytree86 · 01/09/2025 21:09

Judithdances · 01/09/2025 20:08

Goodness OP, you sound a bit, scary.

Im worried for this friend now! 😆

Edited
Show quote history

@Judithdances

give over and get a life. OP doesn’t sound in the slightest bit scary.

Raven85 · 01/09/2025 21:12

Topofthecliffs · 01/09/2025 14:22

This is very insightful @Bikergran . Thank you. I think this friend has undiagnosed autistic spectrum disorder and has masked throughout her life. She struggles to understand humour and is very literal. She has caused me problems due to her feeling that she should tell everybody “ the truth” which is quite often hurtful. She has been very rude to my DH in the past, which is why I hesitate to call her a friend.
Those who said I seem to dislike her have a valid point. I have distanced myself from her recently as she has been so critical of me and DH. But she was very keen to come to my party, and I like her DH very much so included them both.

The fundraiser aspect was not a paid ticket event. It was simply that I asked people to support a particular charity instead of giving me gifts, and the cake had a big symbol of the charity on top. This was a distraction from my post and irrelevant but I was describing the event.

I am honestly not precious, about the cake or her swiping my coffee. I am just struggling to understand why someone’s behaviour would change over a couple of years. Some of our group have expressed their concerns about her to her DH before, so he is aware. I do think those who suggest early dementia may be right. There are some physical changes that would go along with that too.
Thanks to all who have replied. I am still reading through the comments.

Show quote history

So shes changed over a couple of years? Thats a huge red flag for dementia, personality changes. Mood swings. Impatience.

I'd speak to her husband and ask if he has any concerns regarding memory and sign post him to help.

I'm so sorry your been on the rough end of her tongue but if she does indeed have dementia she has absolutely no control over it at all

user1476613140 · 01/09/2025 21:16

Laugh it off. It's made the day memorable for everyone!

RampantIvy · 01/09/2025 21:28

LittleGwyneth · 01/09/2025 20:47

I cannot believe the number of adult children on this thread who couldn't cope with eating at eight PM. How do you cope with going out for dinner? Or visiting Spain / France / Italy?!

Neither can I.

They must either have never been to a party or evening event, only ever eat tea at toddler teatime or don't work.

Gingerbreadmoon · 01/09/2025 21:33

Topofthecliffs · 01/09/2025 09:04

I had a birthday party as a fundraiser for a charity on Saturday. I invited all my favourite people plus a friend who has been behaving oddly and has been rude and abrupt recently.
We had a live band and planned a cold buffet during the interval. Timings were band started at 7pm, supper at 8pm then more music and dancing.
At 7.45pm the strange friend approached DH and told him some people were very hungry and the food should be served now! He explained it would be soon.
I took the covers off the buffet at 7.50pm. She happily dived in and filled a big plateful. At 8.45pm the band played happy birthday, I blew out the candles, and took out a knife to cut the (huge and beautifully decorated) cake. I went to fetch some napkins to serve the slices on. As I turned to the cake I saw SF pick up the knife and hack a big triangular slice for herself from the front. She made off with it to her table. We were all astonished and have been trying to understand why she thought this was appropriate behaviour.
For info she is 70, a highly educated professional, but socially awkward. She has been becoming increasingly impatient and anxious in cafes and hotels at meal times wanting to get in as soon as the doors are open and wanting to be served first. She sometimes takes other people’s orders if they arrive before hers eg a cappuccino
AIBU - yes she is unwell and you should be compassionate - no she was rude and behaving like a greedy toddler.

It sounds like possibly the start of cognitive decline like someone has already suggested. May be worth trying to support her to get herself checked out at the gp or if you can talk to someone who is close to her to get them to prompt her?

LilaGnat · 01/09/2025 21:38

Raven85 · 01/09/2025 21:12

So shes changed over a couple of years? Thats a huge red flag for dementia, personality changes. Mood swings. Impatience.

I'd speak to her husband and ask if he has any concerns regarding memory and sign post him to help.

I'm so sorry your been on the rough end of her tongue but if she does indeed have dementia she has absolutely no control over it at all

Show quote history

Better idea: Op should signpost the husband to this thread.

IKnowExactly · 01/09/2025 21:56

Topofthecliffs · 01/09/2025 09:23

To be clear I had published the timings in advance so people knew food was at 8 pm. The cake was pristine until she hacked it.
I have challenged her before when she pinches my coffee but she is not at all self aware.

My Dad with dementia does this. He has no real understanding that it's not his.

Plus, I think the root of it all goes is that he forgets to eat and so he's always starving.

If we ask him to choose what food he'd like in a restaurant, he says he doesn't know. We've worked out that we just decide for him and he wolfs it down as if he hasn't eaten for days!

LittleBearPad · 01/09/2025 22:25

@Topofthecliffs you sound great. I hope barring the cake you had a lovely birthday.

Clearly your friend’s behaviour is concerning. A quiet word with her husband sounds a very good idea. He will hopefully appreciate the support. Don’t show him this thread, no good will come of that.

Always surprising to see quite how odd some people are - some classics on this thread!

Raven85 · 01/09/2025 22:34

IKnowExactly · 01/09/2025 21:56

My Dad with dementia does this. He has no real understanding that it's not his.

Plus, I think the root of it all goes is that he forgets to eat and so he's always starving.

If we ask him to choose what food he'd like in a restaurant, he says he doesn't know. We've worked out that we just decide for him and he wolfs it down as if he hasn't eaten for days!

Show quote history

This was my thought when I read her post shes starving because she has dementia and is forgetting to eat.

AguNwaanyi · 01/09/2025 22:55

Hot food = “royal banquet”???

AguNwaanyi · 01/09/2025 22:59

BilbaoBaggage · 01/09/2025 12:52

So you expect to be handed a plate of food as you walk in the door? Confused

Show quote history

Where did I say that?

Anyways I was half joking so no need to take me so seriously.

the5thgoldengirl · 02/09/2025 00:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Crispynoodle · 02/09/2025 00:33

It’s a cake give her the benefit of the doubt

Drew79 · 02/09/2025 00:33

Topofthecliffs · 01/09/2025 09:04

I had a birthday party as a fundraiser for a charity on Saturday. I invited all my favourite people plus a friend who has been behaving oddly and has been rude and abrupt recently.
We had a live band and planned a cold buffet during the interval. Timings were band started at 7pm, supper at 8pm then more music and dancing.
At 7.45pm the strange friend approached DH and told him some people were very hungry and the food should be served now! He explained it would be soon.
I took the covers off the buffet at 7.50pm. She happily dived in and filled a big plateful. At 8.45pm the band played happy birthday, I blew out the candles, and took out a knife to cut the (huge and beautifully decorated) cake. I went to fetch some napkins to serve the slices on. As I turned to the cake I saw SF pick up the knife and hack a big triangular slice for herself from the front. She made off with it to her table. We were all astonished and have been trying to understand why she thought this was appropriate behaviour.
For info she is 70, a highly educated professional, but socially awkward. She has been becoming increasingly impatient and anxious in cafes and hotels at meal times wanting to get in as soon as the doors are open and wanting to be served first. She sometimes takes other people’s orders if they arrive before hers eg a cappuccino
AIBU - yes she is unwell and you should be compassionate - no she was rude and behaving like a greedy toddler.

Rock n Roll old dear!

thatsgotit · 02/09/2025 00:34

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

She’d been told when food would be served. Nothing to stop her eating at home before coming out if she thought it was too late.

the5thgoldengirl · 02/09/2025 00:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

lavendermilkshake · 02/09/2025 01:17

SecretNameAsImShy · 01/09/2025 11:43

She had not cut the cake already, the guest went and cut herself a wedge before OP cut the cake. READ THE POST FIRST!!!

Show quote history

Jesus, settle down. OP had cut the cake and made a wish.

OP: No I hadn’t cut the cake I had just done the “make a wish” incision and turned my back for thirty seconds.

She hadn't cut the cake up into slices. Many people feel once the cake is cut, it is fair game.

GentleFury · 02/09/2025 01:33

Your friend’s behavior at your birthday party—especially taking a slice of cake before you had the chance to serve it—was clearly inappropriate and socially disrespectful. However, considering her age and the pattern of increasingly impulsive and anxious behavior around food and service, it’s possible that her actions stem from an underlying health issue, such as cognitive decline or heightened anxiety, rather than simple rudeness. While it’s fair to feel upset, it may be more helpful to approach the situation with both boundaries and compassion, especially if her behavior is changing noticeably over time.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 02/09/2025 02:02

Judithdances · 01/09/2025 20:53

* I invited all my favourite people plus a friend who has been behaving oddly and has been rude and abrupt recently.*

so all your favourite people plus, quite randomly, someone you don’t really seem to like?!

OP made these two comments which I don’t think you managed to read, so I’ve put them here for you to see.

I’ve known her about ten years through a mutual sports club

She is however part of a sports group and we look out for her.

OP invited her along with the rest of the sports club. Not ‘randomly’.

thepariscrimefiles · 02/09/2025 04:52

Judithdances · 01/09/2025 20:03

🙄

“are you okay”

let me guess, I’m triggered? Projecting? A narcissist?

OP it’s you that’s been on mumsnet all day posting about your friend and a slice of cake 😆

Edited
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And OP has been unfailingly polite, even to the posters who have been rude to her, unlike you. You have a bee in your bonnet about OP asking for voluntary donations to the charity instead of birthday presents. Attending the party with free food and drink wasn't conditional on people making a donation. You are straining every sinew to paint OP in a poor light.

OP has taken everyone's suggestions on board and has agreed that she was being unreasonable about being a bit cross about her friend cutting herself a huge slice of cake before the cake had been cut.

spoonbillstretford · 02/09/2025 04:58

ComfortFoodCafe · 01/09/2025 09:06

I dont think she was unwell, sounds like she was hungry. Yabu to wait till nearly 8pm to serve food.

YABU to ask a host to provide food early when you know what the timings are. 8pm is not late to eat in any universe anyway.

Backfromholareyou · 02/09/2025 06:15

Topofthecliffs · 01/09/2025 20:07

It was a joke! It’s none of your business how I celebrate my birthday and with whom. I shall go and eat my very late supper now as it is past 8pm and I should have eaten it at 5.40pm apparently.

Show quote history

This explains a lot

I suspect the OP was hangry given her increasingly het up posts as the evening progressed!