Friend helped herself to my birthday cake - is she ill or rude?

[Topofthecliffs]

I had a birthday party as a fundraiser for a charity on Saturday. I invited all my favourite people plus a friend who has been behaving oddly and has been rude and abrupt recently.
We had a live band and planned a cold buffet during the interval. Timings were band started at 7pm, supper at 8pm then more music and dancing.
At 7.45pm the strange friend approached DH and told him some people were very hungry and the food should be served now! He explained it would be soon.
I took the covers off the buffet at 7.50pm. She happily dived in and filled a big plateful. At 8.45pm the band played happy birthday, I blew out the candles, and took out a knife to cut the (huge and beautifully decorated) cake. I went to fetch some napkins to serve the slices on. As I turned to the cake I saw SF pick up the knife and hack a big triangular slice for herself from the front. She made off with it to her table. We were all astonished and have been trying to understand why she thought this was appropriate behaviour.
For info she is 70, a highly educated professional, but socially awkward. She has been becoming increasingly impatient and anxious in cafes and hotels at meal times wanting to get in as soon as the doors are open and wanting to be served first. She sometimes takes other people’s orders if they arrive before hers eg a cappuccino
AIBU - yes she is unwell and you should be compassionate - no she was rude and behaving like a greedy toddler.

It doesn’t feel like nasty behaviour just a complete lack of awareness that her actions are different from those of others. I think her anxiety over getting fed drives her.

you’re asking us to decide if she is unwell? A doctor needs to do that. Does she have family?
yes I think it sounds like she is autistic and with old age becoming increasingly difficult due to old age and nobody ever telling her what to “normal” behaviour is.

You sound so lovely and open. It's rare on here. When people are challenged they usually get defensive.

This thread has been really helpful to me. I have struggled with this friend’s behaviour for a couple of years but the insights from the wise vipers of MN has given me a fresh perspective. I accept I have been less than kind due to the hurtful things she has said to me and DH in the past. None of us are perfect!

If I was hungry at a buffet I might take a sandwich, NOT cut myself a slab of un-cut birthday cake!

You've said yourself she's a bit socially awkward. Maybe she just thought, 'The cake has been cut, I want cake, so let's take it! I really don't think it's that big a deal. I thought you were going to say she helped herself before happy birthday had been sung - that would have been bad.

This whole thread could have been answered in one reply. She is very likely neuro-divergent now that you also say about lack of self-awareness. There must be other behaviours that show this to you. It would help to understand her better if you know this

My MIL started taking bits off toddler’s plates. She would ask her grandchildren for one of their sweets - literally couldn’t see anything being eaten by anyone if she didn’t have a piece. She would find herself eating a marshmallow or sherbet and pronounce it “disgusting” but she had to have it. I once saw her pestering a waitress for a glass of wine and the waitress was just trying to get the drinks orders for the rest of the table. Parkinson’s diagnosed two years later. Now she’s always starving.

Erm, perhaps as costs rise she has been feeling the pinch and food is an issue. Maybe the timings was a bit late. I would be eating at 6pm. Also she is 70 and perhaps her cognitive state is in decline. Maybe dont invite her next time if you do not like her behaviour or delve into what could be wrong

Usually a sign of something off in the brain. Behaviours aren't liars.

I agree with cognitive decline if its out of character. One of first signs

I'd actually be quite worried about her. Lacking self awareness is one thing, but this sounds bordering on frontal lobe issues and loss of inhibition. Are you close enough / willing to do any discreet monitoring?

Meanwhile, don't invite her to events where good manners are critical (I'd let her get away with it on this occasion).

There are certain types of dementia that initially present with socially inappropriate behaviour, it's certainly a possibility if this is new behaviour

I like the that too. I've started a thread or two before just to have my p.o.v. challenged which is often more helpful than just agreed with.

Agree - where do we all stand on funerals? if a funeral is at half eleven and you usually eat at 12 do you all complain that food is served at the wrong time and drive at 90 miles an hour from the crem and take the clingfilm off the pork pies before the dead persons family arrive ?

I've also got to 53 and been to a lot of parties and never seen anyone cut the cake unless they are the host or their family or they've asked say at a restaurant do you want me to cut the cake - and they cut it into a lot of slices, not just for themselves. I hadn't appreciated that most people were just waiting for a chance to cut themselves a slice if it wasn't cut and served quickly enough for their liking.

I had a birthday party as a fundraiser for a charity on Saturday

so you charged people to attend your party OP, correct?

The fundraiser aspect was not a paid ticket event. It was simply that I asked people to support a particular charity instead of giving me gifts,

any idea how much your guests donated op?

Why does it matter to you?

Yes that is correct. I didn’t want presents and I don’t drink alcohol so I set up a JustGiving page for a good charity and had a cash collection box. It’s irrelevant to the AIBU how much we made, but as you are being nosy it was around £430. What difference does that make?

No

So it's not new behaviour, but she has become less inhibited about it, and you have a hunch it's related to anxiety. I'd say she needs to see a doctor, but I'd also say she feels perfectly justified in her strange behaviour around food.

How much do you know about the rest of her life?

I think a lot of people don't realise what 'memory issues' can mean, it isnt all about forgetting a few words or putting the sugar in the fridge. 'Memory issues' can include:

• forgetting that you have DGCs
• forgetting you are married and that the person in front of you is your spouse
• forgetting that you can't walk
• forgetting that your parents died decades ago
• forgetting that you take turns and don't snatch
• forgetting that you don't take clothes off in public
• forgetting that you shouldn't hit, punch people

Agree.

Sounds like she has the beginnings of dementia.

What's the big deal though? She would have been given a slice anyway wouldn't she? The only thing is that she didn't wait for OP to slice it. I can't see it as a big problem.