Friend helped herself to my birthday cake - is she ill or rude?

[Topofthecliffs]

I had a birthday party as a fundraiser for a charity on Saturday. I invited all my favourite people plus a friend who has been behaving oddly and has been rude and abrupt recently.
We had a live band and planned a cold buffet during the interval. Timings were band started at 7pm, supper at 8pm then more music and dancing.
At 7.45pm the strange friend approached DH and told him some people were very hungry and the food should be served now! He explained it would be soon.
I took the covers off the buffet at 7.50pm. She happily dived in and filled a big plateful. At 8.45pm the band played happy birthday, I blew out the candles, and took out a knife to cut the (huge and beautifully decorated) cake. I went to fetch some napkins to serve the slices on. As I turned to the cake I saw SF pick up the knife and hack a big triangular slice for herself from the front. She made off with it to her table. We were all astonished and have been trying to understand why she thought this was appropriate behaviour.
For info she is 70, a highly educated professional, but socially awkward. She has been becoming increasingly impatient and anxious in cafes and hotels at meal times wanting to get in as soon as the doors are open and wanting to be served first. She sometimes takes other people’s orders if they arrive before hers eg a cappuccino
AIBU - yes she is unwell and you should be compassionate - no she was rude and behaving like a greedy toddler.

But where does it say the cake was already cut? OP said she took out a knife, went to get napkins and that the cake was 'pristine' before the friend hacked it?

She isn't Miriam Margolyes is she? If so, she just doesn't GAF.

The cake was to be cut and eaten, she cut some and ate it. I don’t really think thats rude presumably she saw the knife and thought it was a help yourself situation.
My MIL gets really odd about cake and cake portions, she always asks for help cutting it then gets antsy about the size of the slices. My kids call her the Cake Keeper!

If you have concerns about her behaving differently than that is a separate issue, does she have any family you could speak to.

Sorry I thought she cut it, but she had planned to cut it but got napkins. I read it as sang HB, blew candles, cut cake and realised no napkins, now I see she was going to cut but didn’t. In that case it’s poor guest behaviour

If I genuinely thought my friend was developing cognitive problems, I wouldn’t be “challenging” them over increasingly new and concerning behaviour, nor posting about them being like a “greedy toddler.” It doesn’t sound as though you’re the right person to be raising the issue of possible decline with your friend: does your friend have a closer friend you can delegate to to delve a bit deeper?

I think perhaps cognitive decline / perhaps some mental health thing going on? Have a friend similar age who increasingly was acting strange/ hostile and since had a bad mental health episode.

Knowing what I know now, I'd be checking that she's ok rather than being upset.

Sounds like you are aware it's cognitive decline, in which case it's quite an urgent issue rather than an issue of manners, surely?? Does she have family support? She needs an assessment

Well it’s a bit rude but not the end of the world. Plus 8pm is really late for food. I went to a do at someone’s house recently, there was around 50 of us, Fab buffet that we had at 7pm.

As it was a fundraiser did you just invite her for her purse? Because the way you describe it sounds like she is an outsider to your inner circle. I assume everyone knew it was a fundraiser when invited.

Yes, this is what I think, cake had been cut, you’d walked away and she didn’t know you’d gone to get napkins so she helped herself. I’d just shrug it off, it doesn’t really matter does it? It’s just a cake .

My nan got like this, bit rude, greedy and selfish (I think she always was but kept it hidden) and she would explain it by saying she was of an age where she could do as she pleased. She honestly didn't care about social etiquette anymore. Sadly she became quite hard to be around.

I can't believe the amount of people trying to excuse her behaviour. And of course she must have dementia because that's the go to response on here.

She was unbelievably rude. You don't just go hacking into someone's birthday cake to cut yourself a slice. I wouldn't socialise with her anymore, she sounds annoying to say the least.

Overthinking all of this I think tbh.

You don’t help yourself to someone else’s uncut birthday cake. Rude rude rude! And she was rude about serving the buffet too.

Even so if you published the time for 8pm, it is still late for food especially when eldery. Your being very precious about a bit of cake - it was a birthday cake, not a wedding cake. Your behaviour is odd.

I really don't think 8pm is late to serve food at a Party! I never eat dinner before 8 and do not like eating early. Your friend was rude to complain about that; however, it does sound as though she is struggling with something.

You sound terrific fuss pot. The cake had already been cut.

DFIL started behaving like this around food, snatching and always looking for more, and in his case it was the start of Alzheimer's.

Actually sounds like classic cognitive decline to me, my godmother started in exactly the same way with developing food worries and low level disinhibition. I hope not though.

Did she leave a donation for your charity?

@Topofthecliffs

Wheb you say pinches your coffee... Is it its served and in front of you and you've already started it... And she just swipes it..?

Or she outstretches her hand for 'your' coffee when being served by wait staff?

Cos I think it makes a difference?

So eat before you come if the time doesn't suit you. How on earth was OP's behaviour weird? For blowing out her candles and then wanting to cut and serve her cake? Have you never been to a birthday party before?

Well it is both - she was very rude but it also sounds like there might be something medical/cognitive going on if this is new behaviour. It sounds like it’s been going on for a while, I’m not sure I’d continue to be friends with someone who steals others/my food and drinks in cafes. Either meet at home if you still want to be friends or have a talk with her. Hopefully another poster could suggest how to word this so as not to offend her. Or you could mention your concerns to her partner or DC

8pm is a perfectly suitable time to serve.food for an adult's birthday party.

No it hadn't.

You sound (like) someone who can't be bothered to even read the OP properly.

I think that the most important things to distinguish between rudeness and illness are the rate of change and the degree of change in a friend who has been behaving oddly and has been rude and abrupt recently.

Has she always been a bit like this and it's gradually getting worse or is this out of character and more of a sudden change?