Friend helped herself to my birthday cake - is she ill or rude?

[Topofthecliffs]

I had a birthday party as a fundraiser for a charity on Saturday. I invited all my favourite people plus a friend who has been behaving oddly and has been rude and abrupt recently.
We had a live band and planned a cold buffet during the interval. Timings were band started at 7pm, supper at 8pm then more music and dancing.
At 7.45pm the strange friend approached DH and told him some people were very hungry and the food should be served now! He explained it would be soon.
I took the covers off the buffet at 7.50pm. She happily dived in and filled a big plateful. At 8.45pm the band played happy birthday, I blew out the candles, and took out a knife to cut the (huge and beautifully decorated) cake. I went to fetch some napkins to serve the slices on. As I turned to the cake I saw SF pick up the knife and hack a big triangular slice for herself from the front. She made off with it to her table. We were all astonished and have been trying to understand why she thought this was appropriate behaviour.
For info she is 70, a highly educated professional, but socially awkward. She has been becoming increasingly impatient and anxious in cafes and hotels at meal times wanting to get in as soon as the doors are open and wanting to be served first. She sometimes takes other people’s orders if they arrive before hers eg a cappuccino
AIBU - yes she is unwell and you should be compassionate - no she was rude and behaving like a greedy toddler.

I agree with you. Now I have realised that my friend’s behaviour is likely due to illness rather than greed or selfishness I shall change and be gentler and less confronting. She doesn’t have closer friends because her behaviour has alienated most of them. She is however part of a sports group and we look out for her.

RTFT! The cake had NOT been cut.

Strange behaviour but seems like she could be in cognitive decline. 70 isn't very old however so maybe she is just extremely grumpy and pissed off at waiting so late (for her) to eat.

@ChaliceinWonderland im still digesting my lunch at 5:45pm and certainly wouldn’t want a meal at this time. We eat around 7:30/8 most nights sometimes a bit later. My in-laws who live up north in an ex mining village have tea at 5:30pm as do all their friends and family. I assume the regional differences may be a legacy from when FIL finished after a long physically hard days work and tea was on the table for when he got in whereas in the south east there were more white collar roles and like my dad, many would commute and didn’t get home until gone 7pm.

These are cognitive decline warnings i think. Still rude but probably the reason for it

Not the point but I am still marvelling at the people who think that 8pm is somehow too late for supper, especially when out a a function! Have you never been out to a restaurant? We always book for 8.30 or 9, and there are always plenty of people there at that time, wherever you go! If we invite people to our house we will ask them to arrive around 8 and will serve food around 9 (of course some nibbles with drinks are available from when they arrive). I can't believe we are the only ones!

To be fair the red flag for cognitive decline is definitely taking a big triangle slice out of a square cake as the host is actively cutting it, because that is not a rational thing to do surely?

I live "up north" in an ex mining village and we don't eat at 5.30.

I think it is generational rather than regional. I'm just not hungry at 5.30.

Absolutely. If you're worried you'll get hungry during the evening, have something before you go out. I think far too much emphasis is placed on food at social gatherings these days, it's supposed to be about celebrating with loved ones not filling your face.

Yes, she sounds as thought there's some kind of cognitive decline.

I'd be very selective about what I invited her to from now on.
That was an awful thing to do to your cake!

I don't believe for a minute she was starving - but there's clearly something going on mentally that a woman of 70 doesn't know how to behave at a social event, particularly someone's birthday party.

As for "generational", I'm 71 and I never eat dinner before 8pm and it's usually nearer 9pm. In fact last night I finished dinner at 10.20 but that was unusually late even for me. Mind you I don't go to bed until 2am.

@LEWWW thank you! My perfectionist tendencies were triggered horribly when I saw what she had done 😂 but it was only a cake and meant to be eaten by everybody. I really wasn’t bothered about it until DH asked if I thought it was strange behaviour.

@Topofthecliffs I have experience of this and you can have conflicted feelings, and that's ok. It's impulsive behaviour - you were clearly cutting the cake and she couldn't wait while you did it. It's ok to recognise that it's not typical behaviour, and to be upset or irritated by it. You can also recognise that it's probably not because she's just a selfish person - something else is driving the behaviour. That doesn't stop it being hard to cope with.

Most people understand that at a big party, you only get a small finger of cake (2"X1", typically) and you don't have a big wedge.

DH is 73 and I'm 66. When I say generational I mean the generation before us 😀

I see a few things have been mentioned that are all possible health concerns. One of the most common issues in women is thyroid issues. My GP talked about how this used to be so underdiagnosed, that women would go into cognitive decline and end up in nursing homes, when it was something that could be treated quite easily.

Any chance you can have a very gentle word with her husband at some stage, out of concern, and don't mention the cake? Thyroid conditions are diagnosed with a simple blood test.

That sounds very sensible. I am going away on a trip with the friends next week so will look for an opportunity to raise the subject tactfully.

5:40pm? You know there are a whole host of people who go out to work and don’t come back home until 6pm…and then they start cooking dinner.

And surely it is the guests who need to plan better if they can’t wait for food to be served at the time the host has announced it will be served.

It's a bit of cake, maybe she has diabetes and has to eat something or it could have made her ill.

I regularly eat at 8/830...

In the OP it was stated that the lady in question had already had a plate of food.

I have/had family members with neurodiversity (mother and daughter, the mother is now long deceased) and they were both like this. When we had our wedding and DCs' Christening parties, they both dug into food long before the covers were removed, and the meals were at normal times.

I used to think they were just appallingly badly mannered but came to believe it was more likely linked with the neurodiversity. The mother did end up with dementia but the daughter is now in her 70s and doesn't appear to have memory loss and is just as weird around food.

Cognitive decline could exacerbate previous tendencies to ignore social norms, particularly if there's frontal lobe damage which can also contribute to disinhibition & loss of self-control. Others have suggested an overactive thyroid which is worth considering too, as it can cause excessive hunger, weight loss and anxiety. However, is it possible that money worries are an issue too? Is she starving herself when she knows she will be going out to eat, to save money?

Not sure why you are posting as basically you have already answered your own question.

@Topofthecliffs suggesting to her DH that this could be a thyroid problem may be a gentle nudge to look at broader cognition issues.

'Dementia Blood tests' normally include thyroid tests. These tests are used to rule out other physical causes of cognitive issues.

There is still a lot of stigma around a Dementia diagnosis. Being intelligent, professional etc is no protection from developing this awful disease.

Rude behaviour is often a sign of beginning dementia, though some people are just nasty all their lives

I think this is salient. I suspect the friend is neurodiverse and hasn’t recognised this. She is hypersensitive to noise. She likes routines like always using the same routes. She has apparently a deep anxiety around food and meal times which I must have triggered with my “ late” buffet. Food for thought!