Friend helped herself to my birthday cake - is she ill or rude?

[Topofthecliffs]

I had a birthday party as a fundraiser for a charity on Saturday. I invited all my favourite people plus a friend who has been behaving oddly and has been rude and abrupt recently.
We had a live band and planned a cold buffet during the interval. Timings were band started at 7pm, supper at 8pm then more music and dancing.
At 7.45pm the strange friend approached DH and told him some people were very hungry and the food should be served now! He explained it would be soon.
I took the covers off the buffet at 7.50pm. She happily dived in and filled a big plateful. At 8.45pm the band played happy birthday, I blew out the candles, and took out a knife to cut the (huge and beautifully decorated) cake. I went to fetch some napkins to serve the slices on. As I turned to the cake I saw SF pick up the knife and hack a big triangular slice for herself from the front. She made off with it to her table. We were all astonished and have been trying to understand why she thought this was appropriate behaviour.
For info she is 70, a highly educated professional, but socially awkward. She has been becoming increasingly impatient and anxious in cafes and hotels at meal times wanting to get in as soon as the doors are open and wanting to be served first. She sometimes takes other people’s orders if they arrive before hers eg a cappuccino
AIBU - yes she is unwell and you should be compassionate - no she was rude and behaving like a greedy toddler.

Hard to say either way, as it sounds like this is fairly new behaviour as you say ‘increasingly’ impatient around food.

I dont think she was unwell, sounds like she was hungry. Yabu to wait till nearly 8pm to serve food.

In what way are you suggesting she's ill?

Up until the last few sentences I was thinking how rude, but then you said how old she was and a bit more background about her. I would suggest she is probably suffering with some sort of cognitive decline, not necessarily dementia but it can be quite common if she is depressed or lonely for these sorts of antisocial behaviours to become more obvious.
Have you spoken to her about this at all? How has she reacted? It’s a tricky one but if she’s otherwise acting normally and not confused, I would suggest you try and be more supportive and not react in too negatively a way.

You'd cut the cake already and cut slices - it's pretty normal to do that for your table at that point, I would have thought? I would do the same. Wouldn't expect the birthday girl to stand there for ages serving her own cake!

Also yes, 8pm is late to serve food, especially for older people (I eat around 6).

Is she diabetic? This would explain the increased anxiety around food and the need to know that it is available.

Other explanations are available of course.

This can be the first hallmarks of cognitive decline. Watch and wait.

I'd ask her outright.
Sounds as though she has been "offended" or is feeling slighted in some way.

Its somewhat odd behaviour, but if shes fairly rigid and someone who likes to eat at 6pm, say, maybe she was finding it really stressful.

As it seems that she took the slice after happy birthday had been sung, and when it was about to be served, I'd struggle to do more than laugh it off, to be honest. It doesn't seem like a massive deal really.

Given her age it could be Dementia starting surely?

But You should have said something at the time - every time she is rude - what's the point of trying to figure out Why she does these things?

Unless it is pointed out to her how is she going to know she's annoying people?

Oh sorry I'm not sure if she just cut a slice for herself or for her table - I'd have happily done the latter, once the cake had been cracked into, particularly if people at my table were muttering about it being late and them being hungry. Either way seems pretty normal buffet behaviour though.

I think she was making a point about how long you waited to feed your guests!

She's definitely behaving like a greedy toddler with the cake, if she was absolutely starving I can see asking the buffet to be opened up might be not that odd - but if this is new ish behaviour then I would be concerned I think.

Has she always been a bit focused on food and this is just getting worse, like she's losing her self control, or is the food stuff - cake and taking other people's orders in cafes particularly - something she absolutely wouldn't have done 5 / 10 years ago?

There is another possible explanation: this was a buffet, the candles had been lit, happy birthday sung….. maybe she just thought the cake was there to be eaten as part of the buffet?

Can I clarify, I read it as OP got the knife ready to cut the cake and had gone to get napkins, and the friend cut herself a piece from the untouched cake.

I'd that right OP or had you already cut it at that point?

My MIL got like this in her late 60’s-70 would worry if dinner was a few minutes late, always snatched the nicest pieces before anyone else got a chance would pile her plate with far to much and then apologise for her small appetite when she left it. Yes she would definitely have cut herself a piece of the cake like your friend did, I remember one year she stood and systematically eat all the chocolate off the Christmas tree, DH stood at the door watching her when he commented she said well dinner should be ready I’m hungry. She was a nasty woman anyway but got worst as she got older and was obsessed with meal times and then worrying about her weight.

it was the start of a merciful short journey into dementia

If this is part of a general, recent trend, I would also be asking myself if there are any other signs of dementia.

For those saying 8 is too late to eat, it really really isn't for an evening party. Most sensible, fully competent people, if going to a party starting at 7, don't expect food when they walk in the door. If you can't wait an hour, have a small snack before you go to the party.

I think it’s fine, I thought you meant she cut into an uncut cake. If the birthday celebrant has cut the cake and blown out candles then everyone can help themselves surely?

I thought you were going to say she took cake before it had been shown off and the singing malarkey done, which would have been rude, but you’d already done that and the candles so I can’t really see an issue. Pretty normal at buffets for people to help themselves rather than wait to be served.

I think you’re being a little precious about the cake, so I’d maybe consider your behaviour more odd than the lady to be honest. The cake was cut, the guests were able to have some, there was no reason for her to wait to be served.

She could have something medical. Could you say to her, “Fran, I hope you had a nice time at my party, it was lovely that you came. I noticed that you seemed anxious on the evening. How did you find it?”

8pm is an ok time to start a buffet if you’ve communicated it with guests in advance. Anyone who sees it as a late start can eat something beforehand.

I am kind of a bit perplexed by your description of "inviting your favourite people plus a friend"? My friends are my favourite people. You seem to describe her as something different? And I think it does make a difference to the answer, because if you aren't that close, what difference would the answer make? She may be struggling with something, or not, but what would you do about it and would she welcome anything from you?

You also don't necessarily know anything about her personal circumstances - could she be struggling for money and not eating properly at home?

BTW I would be starving by 8pm too!

Lack of inhibition is a classic sign of cognitive decline.

So it’s very possible - we had similar where a family member started taking food off our plates etc.

Did she cut before you did ?

couldn’t work out if you cut the cake into slices then went to get napkins

or she did the first cut

1st is ok. Little rude but she sounds hungry and wanted a bigger slice

2nd not ok. Wait for you to cut your cake and to be given a slice

To be clear I had published the timings in advance so people knew food was at 8 pm. The cake was pristine until she hacked it.
I have challenged her before when she pinches my coffee but she is not at all self aware.