Friend helped herself to my birthday cake - is she ill or rude?

[Topofthecliffs]

I had a birthday party as a fundraiser for a charity on Saturday. I invited all my favourite people plus a friend who has been behaving oddly and has been rude and abrupt recently.
We had a live band and planned a cold buffet during the interval. Timings were band started at 7pm, supper at 8pm then more music and dancing.
At 7.45pm the strange friend approached DH and told him some people were very hungry and the food should be served now! He explained it would be soon.
I took the covers off the buffet at 7.50pm. She happily dived in and filled a big plateful. At 8.45pm the band played happy birthday, I blew out the candles, and took out a knife to cut the (huge and beautifully decorated) cake. I went to fetch some napkins to serve the slices on. As I turned to the cake I saw SF pick up the knife and hack a big triangular slice for herself from the front. She made off with it to her table. We were all astonished and have been trying to understand why she thought this was appropriate behaviour.
For info she is 70, a highly educated professional, but socially awkward. She has been becoming increasingly impatient and anxious in cafes and hotels at meal times wanting to get in as soon as the doors are open and wanting to be served first. She sometimes takes other people’s orders if they arrive before hers eg a cappuccino
AIBU - yes she is unwell and you should be compassionate - no she was rude and behaving like a greedy toddler.

At 70 she has earned her right to be a bit socially awkward and take a huge slice of cake.

#teamstrangefriend

My step mother has dementia and behaves like this all the time. She's even stuck her bare hand into bowls of communal food. She asks for more when she's had two generous helpings.

She was a life long restricted eater, the classic 'eats like a bird' type. But dementia has taken that from her and now all she knows is that food tastes good and she wants it.

I'd was a bit unclear from the post whether the cake cutting was started by OP or not. But it was underway at least.

I dont see any sign of dementia. she thought if happy birthday had been sung and tbe cake ceremonially cut, then it was 'open for business'. How was she supposed to know you had gone for napkins? And in fact why did you? Couldnt plates have just been used?

I am presuming you are having a laugh...

But if not then if a teen did it that would be rude and unacceptable ("oh the young people these days" moan moan) - but an old person who should have learned manners does it, no holds are barred??

Bizarre comment

I work with older people and what you have described could be either cognitive decline or a UTI. Older people with UTI's can start behaving very oddly.

It does seem quite strange behaviour and given her age, I would suspect there’s something else going on apart from just rudeness. I would probably cut her some slack as a result and not say anything. It would probably also be a good idea to keep an eye on things in case she starts to deteriorate further.

Sound like she was hungry and feeling faint maybe

Older people need to be cut some slack. Cognitive decline is a real issue.
Not all disabilities are visible. 💕

8pm is not late for food! Especially at a party that only started at 7! You wouldn’t expect food as soon as you walked through the door, you’d expect a bit of music first, then food as an interlude.

It sounds like an element of cognitive decline to me OP, people suffering can start to lose inhibitions and forget social norms.

Why do some posters keep saying she must have been hungry?
She had already had food from the buffet. The OP said she had filled up her plate.

Why do so many posters on MN not read the OP properly these days?

I think that's a really good point about masking. Certainly it's true in my case.

Many PPs have made reasonable suggestions. Another PP has suggested neurodivergence. I was also going to mention that I read an article recently that ADHD can be confused with dementia. Also of course, many people with ADHD are also autistic and autistic people usually like rigid routines.

Same, mainly because social awkwardness seems to be the actual cause of her 'behaviour' than malice or dementia.

I would have waited , I think it is extremely rude

I think she’s heading for dementia.

And 8pm is a perfectly normal time for dinner at a party.

I think if she's a close friend, I'd have a conversation with her about it. It goes beyond "social awkwardness" to not know that you wait to be served birthday cake. 5 year olds at a party know that. Combined with her age, I think it might be a sign of something like cognitive decline.

I think you can phrase it as, "I don't mean to make you embarrassed and I'm not angry with you, but it was such a strange thing for you to do that it made me a little bit worried about you." Alternatively, if she lives with a partner or you know a close family member, you could raise it with them.

I think UTI could be a very good shout. My DM started behaving very oddly when she had a UTI. Aggressive and quite unaware of her own behaviour.

Until you have seen it happen it is difficult to recognise.

I don't think the cake was already cut. Op took out the knife to cut the cake put it down to fetch serviettes and the friend picked up the knife and cut into the cake. It's weird. But it sounds really sad. Something is definitely going on with her.

She sounds like a relative of mine who has coped with autism well most her life (it was obvious but she didn't cause a scene anywhere and got on pretty well). Suddenly in her late 60s a few things have gone wrong in her life and physical health and she has had major mental health problems. Her previous impulsive and socially awkward behaviour is much more obvious. She cannot wait for anything, can't focus on anything except her first priority (if hungry that would be food or often sugar), doesn't care about other people's needs and doesn't communicate as well. She may have dementia but it doesn't quite fit her behaviour or memory right now or other diagnoses. If she was invited to a party like yours someone would have to be with her to take care of her (stop her upsetting anyone or digging into the cake first). I would be patient and understanding with your friend but I'm sorry she did that at your party.

When did this behaviour start and was she a good friend prior to it?

That’s pretty standard for parties. I’ve been to weddings where the evening buffet hasn’t come out till ten.

Several people mistakenly thinking you had already cut the cake and she just took a slice.

OP hadn't - the friend cut it before OP had a chance.

Your friend was rude and hacking into a cake isn’t good. But you say you invited all your favourite people and then her. Did you actually want the rude friend there, as it sounds like she was the black sheep of the group anyway?

This can happen a fare bit these days. So many adults around who act worse then small kids!

You say you know she is like that so why leave the cake out? why not spell it out to her not to touch it? Though an adult should be able to control themselfs. A adult shouldn’t need to be told to leave cake alone!

shes able to Hold down a job where there’s rules so shes able to can follow party rules also. If she broke rules at work she knows she pay the price! She was choosing to be selfish at your party as she knows you will allow it 🤨👍