Friend helped herself to my birthday cake - is she ill or rude?

[Topofthecliffs]

I had a birthday party as a fundraiser for a charity on Saturday. I invited all my favourite people plus a friend who has been behaving oddly and has been rude and abrupt recently.
We had a live band and planned a cold buffet during the interval. Timings were band started at 7pm, supper at 8pm then more music and dancing.
At 7.45pm the strange friend approached DH and told him some people were very hungry and the food should be served now! He explained it would be soon.
I took the covers off the buffet at 7.50pm. She happily dived in and filled a big plateful. At 8.45pm the band played happy birthday, I blew out the candles, and took out a knife to cut the (huge and beautifully decorated) cake. I went to fetch some napkins to serve the slices on. As I turned to the cake I saw SF pick up the knife and hack a big triangular slice for herself from the front. She made off with it to her table. We were all astonished and have been trying to understand why she thought this was appropriate behaviour.
For info she is 70, a highly educated professional, but socially awkward. She has been becoming increasingly impatient and anxious in cafes and hotels at meal times wanting to get in as soon as the doors are open and wanting to be served first. She sometimes takes other people’s orders if they arrive before hers eg a cappuccino
AIBU - yes she is unwell and you should be compassionate - no she was rude and behaving like a greedy toddler.

'Birthday rituals'?

Oh yes, focus for evening should have been on greedy, rude friends demands and want.

OP might want to edit her post to explain this - there's a huge difference between taking a slice of cut cake and deciding to cut it yourself!

She doesn't need to edit her post ffs. It's perfectly clear that she hadn't cut the cake. That's the whole point of her AIBU.

Shall we maybe pop round and act it out for you to make it clearer?

My mother would do this (and has,she did the same thing at my brothers wedding with their cake and sat,smirking while scoffing it and watching the b&g's faces)

She does it to prove a point,I once asked her to hold my lunch and while I was gone (taking toddler to the loo) she ate it (I was a skint single parent who couldn't afford to replace it and ended up hungry)

In her case,it's a combination of greed,narcissism,attention seeking and control

She'd love her own shiny thread on here so she could read it,smirk to herself on how shed upset you and then show everyone with a tonne of tears and 'look how nasty they are to me!I didn't mean to upset anyone!'

I don't know if this is the same as your friend or its dementia/greed/lack of social awareness

Well at least she'd waited until happy birthday was sung and you had gone off to get napkins to serve cake.
So nowhere near as bad as I first thought.
As you'd sung happy birthday and she probably heard you'd just gone to get napkins to serve cake I don't think it's that bad, you say she's socially awkward so possibly she's autistic.
And very hungry!
She should have waited but I'd laugh it off.
I would keep an eye though in case it is the start of dementia.
Depending on time party started then 8pm is a bit late to serve food, especially if people haven't had dinner, although if it's an evening party with a buffet I normally have a light meal/snack beforehand so not totally relying on buffet.

She could not possibly have been starving hungry when she hacked a large slice off the front of the uncut cake that OP was getting napkins for. She ate a large plate of food less than an hour prior to that incident.

She might not have realised Op was getting napkins, she might have thought op put the knife there for people to help themselves.

Unclear whether she was confused, rude or has the start of some sort of cognitive decline.

Your opening post was clear. She was rude and disrespectful. She should not have cut a wedge off the cake, that is the prerogative of the person whose birthday is being celebrated. It was pure greed given it was less than an hour after the buffet had been made available.
I would say you were surprised by her asking your husband about the buffet given the timings were on the invitation. I would add you were also surprised at her cutting your cake as you had been looking forward to doing it yourself. You could say that it couldn't have been hunger that made her do it given she had just had the buffet food.

What a hideous bitch. Poor you.

She sometimes takes other people’s orders if they arrive before hers eg a cappuccino

Has anyone ever responded in kind? Taking something of hers?
Surely people aren't passive and let her do this rude behaviour?

Judging by the amount of excuses being made on this thread, I wonder if the OP thinks she has to doggedly put up with it.

Tbh it’s really not something I could be bothered to make a fuss about.

Well of course all the martyrdom of #be kind...

Crikey, another one who thinks 8pm is late to eat? At an evening party it really isn't, especially when the invitation explicitly said this was the time supper would be served. Surely any of the guests who do actually think they would have a problem waiting until then will have a light bite earlier to put them on.

I also think this sounds like possibly some sort of dementia. OP, apologies if you have mentioned and I missed it, but does she have family who you could talk to.

It would probably more helpful for the OP to actually talk to her friend about it instead of talking about how ghastly her friend is with people who don't know her.

Wouldn't that apply to the majority of MN posts?!

I think, quite rightly, the OP was taken aback by the lack of manners and is asking whether other explanations, aside from fundamental rudeness, should be considered.

She was incredibly rude. My MIL used to irritate me when she’d leave early from parties before we’d cut the cake with a “but I haven’t had a piece of cake….” whine. But she wouldn’t have dreamt of cutting one herself! I think anyone old enough to be unsupervised at a party knows that you don’t touch someone else’s birthday cake.

I don’t buy the “but she’s hungry” line either. She’d had food already and could have taken something else from the buffet. 8pm is a perfectly normal time to serve food for adults - and the OP had said so in advance, so anyone who preferred a teatime meal could have had a sandwich or whatever before they arrived.

In mid stages of dementia my dad was ridiculously hungry and greedy. It a thing for dementia apparently. He got quite tubby quite quickly and then his care home reigned in his consumption.

Keep an eye on your friend. And belated happy birthday 🥳

I find this thread really depressing.

OP did a very valuable thing, running a fundraiser for her birthday. I've run them too and I suppose you do tend to cast your net wider, maybe invite more of a mixture of people. I appreciate them paying to attend.

Two minor incidents happen - nobody is hurt. An elderly lady (age is relevant here) behaves in a mildly eccentric manner, without obviously detracting from anyone else's enjoyment of the evening. It's the sort of behaviour that characterises advancing behaviour, neurodiversity. If you live in a community and engage with a variety of people, you'll encounter it.

OP, yes, you may have reason to worry about your friend's health and cognitive decline, and it was probably more obvious in a busy stimulating environment. If you know her family or closer friends, it may be worth liaising with them. If you care about this lady, a lower key chat and coffee might be helpful.

Everyone knows this wasn't conventional behaviour, but I don't see how that matters except as a window into the friend's cognitive state and wellbeing. Parties and big fundraisers aren't stress-free events for everyone, but they're meant to be a celebration. If you are celebrating with your friends, be good to them - don't see it as a test.

I am an oldie, were I invited to a function starting at 7pm with a buffet served at 8pm then I may have a sandwich before going if I thought I couldn't survive until 8pm, it's not as though guests weren't aware of the timings. Some people are so wet!

Exactly.

Does seem rude but any odd behaviour could be medical. My friend died a few months back, cancer had spread to her brain (unaware she had it until this point) and caused her to act out of character.

This thread is crazy and the complete lack of comprehension shown by many posters is really quite annoying. I don't think OP could be any clearer in her description of events. I just wish people would take the time to read and understand a post before rushing to reply.

I eat early too, but i’ve been to enough functions to know food isn’t served immediately and i’d have something to eat before I went.

Wow, how unnecessarily rude of you. Others have questioned whether the cake was cut first by the OP or the lady in question.

I was trying to be helpful with my suggestion.

My guess would be cognitive decline op. But equally, it's possible she's misread the situation - personally I prefer to blow out the candles and have someone else cut the cake. She may have genuinely thought it was fair game as you'd had the birthday cake moment and blown out the candles and as she's seen it you've then left. So she may have interpreted this as self serve like the rest of the buffet.

My guess is there's increasingly low inhibition and more social awkwardness due to cognitive decline.

Personally, I couldn't get worked up over this - cake is there for eating so if I thought it was confusion then I'd give it a 5 second funeral and let it go.

No need to be so stuck up. You may find it bizarre but many people 'liked' my post. I wasn't joking and ment what I said.

Yes, many of us get taught manners and install them keenly in our kids. At 70, being a bit naughty or selfish is perfectly ok. Imo.

I agree with this 👆 She did nothing wrong. Sounds like you don't like her much.