Friend helped herself to my birthday cake - is she ill or rude?

[Topofthecliffs]

I had a birthday party as a fundraiser for a charity on Saturday. I invited all my favourite people plus a friend who has been behaving oddly and has been rude and abrupt recently.
We had a live band and planned a cold buffet during the interval. Timings were band started at 7pm, supper at 8pm then more music and dancing.
At 7.45pm the strange friend approached DH and told him some people were very hungry and the food should be served now! He explained it would be soon.
I took the covers off the buffet at 7.50pm. She happily dived in and filled a big plateful. At 8.45pm the band played happy birthday, I blew out the candles, and took out a knife to cut the (huge and beautifully decorated) cake. I went to fetch some napkins to serve the slices on. As I turned to the cake I saw SF pick up the knife and hack a big triangular slice for herself from the front. She made off with it to her table. We were all astonished and have been trying to understand why she thought this was appropriate behaviour.
For info she is 70, a highly educated professional, but socially awkward. She has been becoming increasingly impatient and anxious in cafes and hotels at meal times wanting to get in as soon as the doors are open and wanting to be served first. She sometimes takes other people’s orders if they arrive before hers eg a cappuccino
AIBU - yes she is unwell and you should be compassionate - no she was rude and behaving like a greedy toddler.

Hard to know the reason but I’d hazard a guess that your guests were hungry.

Very strange behaviour on her part. I would be worried it’s more than rudeness.

That does sound unwell and these things can be hard to spot if it’s gradual changes … you say “becoming increasingly …” its shouting mental decline

does she have any family you can mention this too? You find it hard to spot so people closer may well be unclear or in denial

She’s been allowed to get away with this kind of rude behavior for years so now she is literally just doing what she likes when she likes and sod anyone else 🤷‍♀️ I’ve seen this a lot with rude entitled people who as they get older just get more rude entitled and selfish

It sounds like she might be neuro diverse and being around people if your ND can be an effort, takes concentration etc. At 70 yrs of age it could be a number of things, early dementia signs or other illness. If she lives alone perhaps she just spends a fair bit of time alone and has forgotten some of the finer social etiquette. Also looking at my mom as she got older, and who was definitely ND, if she was hungry she just had to eat really soon. She would get seriously "hangry" and would be very intolerant. If she needed to rest she'd have to do it very soon. At that age you don't have the stamina that you used to and if there's any health issue involved it certainly adds to it. I would lecture my mom about various behaviours of hers but it was absolutely pointless. At that age they can be beyond giving a toss. I didn't take it personally and think it's an age thing. They don't have the energy to care what others think at a certain age.

Anyway so I think have compassion and be inclusive. Not everyone on the planet is the same and can perform and live to the same level.
People who are ND or ill will require support throughout their lives.

Dementia is sadly very common.
It has up start somewhere, would you rather that it isn't mentioned at all?
I work with people with dementia, loss of social inhibition is very common as is developing a craving for sugary foods.
It may or may not be the start of cognitive decline but it's good to be aware of these things.

Rude is my vote. She sound tone deaf and self absorbed -the coffee thing is the perfect example. 8pm isn't that late, it's not a child's birthday party!

Lack of inhibition is a very classic sign of cognitive decline, so it’s an entirely reasonable suggestion.

I'd say that it's something neurological going on. Whatever traits we have already, come out more. Did she grow up in food poverty, or in a big family? I've seen people revert to survival methods as children and getting in as food appears is one. Is it out of the realms of possibility that there's something going on in her life and she's actually hungry? I have a friend, 68, who struggles to motivate herself to cook and eat, unless she is around other people. She is in neurological decline.

Doesn't 'socially awkward' cover it. The cake was ready to cut, you moved away (to find napkins) she stepped in and cut the cake, a fairly typical socially awkward thing to do, she didn't read the situation and thought it was OK to start cutting the cake. Taking someone else's coffee because it came first also sounds like not appreciating the situation, I'm waiting for a coffee a coffee comes so I take it. It might well be getting worse with age as well.

From the way the OP tells it, it certainly sounds like odd behaviour, but could also just be a misunderstanding on the part of someone who has hungry and not great at social cues to start with.

What it definitely isn't, though, is offensive enough to stew about it and post about it on the internet. I would probably think "oh that was a bit odd" in the moment and then would move on, enjoy my party and probably never think about it again because who cares?

Yet again this is a case of an OP apparently disliking her friends. She obviously doesn't like this woman to start with. Don't invite people you don't like to your parties just to find fault with them!

Cognitive decline, from what you've described, especially as you'd noted odd behaviour before the party. It happened to my aunt; everyone thought she was just being rude, but she was in the early stages of dementia.

Hopefully, her family and friends are keeping a watching brief.

I'm not really sure what you're looking for. Have you spoken to her about her increasing anxiety in general? That explains most of what you're describing. The thing with the cake could have either been that or a misunderstanding about how it was going to served out. I don't think that in itself is a big deal.

I 'm autistic and as I've grown older my ability to " do " friendship " and mix with other people in social situations has drastically declined.
On MN so many people start threads about situations with friends that I read and think: if they really are your friend why can't you just talk to them about it? Isn't the main point of friendship being able to talk to each other? But then I wonder is that just me because I freely admit friendship is too difficult for me!

For what it's worth you are entitled to feel her behaviour was rude . But I would assume her behaviour wasnt intended to be so and came from a place of not understanding the social situation she was in and the state of her own mental health.

If this is how she’s always been then she’s rude and ungracious - and why are you friends with her exactly?

If this is recent / new / out of character behaviour then it sounds like potential cognitive decline / dementia. My DF had Alzheimer’s and used to get terribly cross and impatient about when dinner would be coming, why the wait for food etc as he sat at the table doing nothing to help with preparation of any kind. But then he often thought he was at a hotel whilst actually in his own home and complained about the lack of service or personnel on reception!

No. It hadn’t been, actually.

This seems likely I think. I also wonder about the OP's impatience towards her friend, it's quite blatant and I wonder if the friend is picking up on that and perpetuates an awkward cycle.

I’d be hungry enough to eat my own arm by 8pm - but, I’d eat before I went or bring a snack in my bag if I was aware it was a late dinner.

There was a lady in my relatives nursing home who was absolutely obsessed with food, so I’d wonder if it is a sign of ongoing cognitive issues if its new behaviour. But not much you can do really, do you know her family to have a chat about it?

Do you think her ability to 'mask' is declining? I know there are stages in life it becomes almost impossible to continue - I found that after pregnancy.

So why didn't you say at the time WTF are you doing? Why don't you tell her that she is being incredibly rude?

Tell us you haven't read the OP's posts, without telling us 🙄

Your friend was behaving inappropriately and rude.
Could be a dementia or alcohol related loss of inhibition.

It would have been safer to be serving food all along, if you were serving alcohol.

It was uncut though when she helped herself!

For the sake of all the people who haven't even bothered reading the OPs posts, the cake had not been cut when this woman decided to help herself!

I couldn't get worked up about this. If it's her typical, long-term behaviour, I'd just think she was eccentric. If it's a new behaviour, I'd keep an eye out in case it's indicative of something health related.