To be a bit put off by age of my new partners ex?

[Chickenrun12]

Hi all.

So just looking for opinions really. I'm in a fairly new relationship with an amazing, loving man and everything is going great. He is almost 29, I am 35. We get along brilliantly and things are honestly great. However I found out his ex partner before me is only 20 and it's made me feel a bit uneasy. What could a man nearing 30 and a 20 year old have in common? I have a 16 year old daughter which I think has added to my uneasiness - I cant imagine her bringing home a man nearing 30 in a few years time but perhaps I'm being unfair here.

Is this something that would bother you?

I am also very aware that the age gal isn't dissimilar to me and him, however I sort of feel like age gaps matter less as you get older and have matured/gained life experience.

So if he is 28 and you are 35 there is a 7 year gap and he had an 8 year gap with his previous partner and all are adults?

Yeah, exactly this. I'm not saying he's done anything wrong at all and we get on brilliantly so I'd really like to squash this feeling of unease surrounding it. It just sort of made me feel a bit weird when I heard.

How long were they together? You refer to her as his ex so presumably this was a long term relationship not just dating for a few months/ a year? If they were together from when she was 18 or 19 then I think it is creepy for someone in their late 20s to have been in a relationship with a teenager. 🤢

I dated a 34yo when I was 20. We were together 7 years and had tons in common. Still great friends now.

I think you're overthinking it because of your daughter's age, which is understandable but I do think you're being a bit unreasonable.

For sure, some 18-20s might be vulnerable in that kind of situation. And some older guys might be taking advantage. And equally, plenty of girls are fine with it and having an equal relationship with a guy they like who happens to be a bit older, who equally likes them in a perfectly egalitarian way. It's not really a thing you can generalise about, people vary wildly.

It is more it can be abusive for me as a power imbalance - the fact he is going for an older woman would go against that unless you are worried due to your daughter

follow your instincts this may not be the right relationship for you

Wow you’re being very judgmental. My 23yo DS is in a relationship with a 31yo woman at the moment, there is only a one year difference between me and his DF (my ex being 7 years older than me) Absolutely no judgment from me he’s an adult and it’s his life

No I was being the very opposite and saying they are all adults and the age gap is similar

We really need to stop infantalising 20 year olds

@Tiswaapologies to you I meant to quote the OP please forgive me

20 is young, and 28 is young ! There's really very little difference.

This sounds more about the age difference between you and her that you are jealous of.

Those are the exact ages DH and I were when we first got together so obviously a complete non issue for me.

My only concern in your place would be whether or not he is likely to stay committed or attracted to someone several years older than he is, if he's typically been attracted to younger women, which is more common for men, anyway.

It’s you having a 16yo daughter that’s making it uncomfortable. I can see your point. This would give me the ick.

So a 16yo and a 24yo would be fine then?

I think a 20yo is going to be much less mature than somebody in their mate 20s or mid 30s in most cases.

Do you think the unease is jealousy? As a 35 yo woman worried about being compared to a 20yo? He hasn’t done anything wrong, tbh I’m not sure someone in their late 20s has much in common with someone in mid 30s I changed so much from 28 to 35…

“What could a man nearing 30 and a 20 year old have in common?”

I never understand these sorts of comments. Same sense of humor? Similar interests in books or films or sports? Both artistic or nerdy or have the same values?

From what you’ve said, I don’t see anything strange or untoward about this relationship.

Can't see an issue with the age gap. I was 19 when started dating 28 year old DH. Still together 27 years later.

You were 19 when you had your daughter? How old was her father? Has that got anything to do with your unease?

But it's fine to already be a parent at 20 which requires more maturity and responsibility than anything?! Most people don't have kids at 18/19 so it's a bit ridiculous to judge him based on the fact you had a child incredibly early. I'm a similar age to you and if I was being critical I'd wonder what on earth you'd have in common with a 28 year old tbh.

I married a 30-year-old at 43 😂 It was a disaster due to major personality clashes, but not the age gap. That only showed up in small cultural differences like the children's TV we'd watched.

The point of telling this story is that, while were divorcing, he naturally went overboard on dating younger women. Said he had some interesting sex but found them tedious - his word was shallow, and he went into enough detail that I could see what he meant. He's been happily married to a woman his own age for 20 years now.

Adult life experience builds up at different speeds for different people, but it doesn't start until 18 at the earliest: most Brits these days are still 'very young' at 22 or thereabouts. So a 20-year-old has max two years of living as an adult.

With that in mind, I do think 20-28 is more significant than 28-36. The 28-year-old would normally have been through a lot of meaningful adult life events and social developments, giving common ground and shared understanding with someone their own age and older, but not much younger.

In your case, @Chickenrun12, your daughter's stage of life and comparison of yourself with a woman close to half your age might be colouring your view. I don't know - it's a valid question, and maybe worth discussing in a bit more depth with him.

I suspect you are more put off by the age gap between you and her than the one between you and him...