To be a bit put off by age of my new partners ex?

[Chickenrun12]

Hi all.

So just looking for opinions really. I'm in a fairly new relationship with an amazing, loving man and everything is going great. He is almost 29, I am 35. We get along brilliantly and things are honestly great. However I found out his ex partner before me is only 20 and it's made me feel a bit uneasy. What could a man nearing 30 and a 20 year old have in common? I have a 16 year old daughter which I think has added to my uneasiness - I cant imagine her bringing home a man nearing 30 in a few years time but perhaps I'm being unfair here.

Is this something that would bother you?

No issue with that age gap. Age gaps don’t necessarily equate to bad/unequal relationships any more than relationships with the same age.

My parents were born one week apart and their marriage was a disaster and still very unequal.

As for my personal taste as a woman, I would have been ok to date someone 10 years older than me at 20 (and did), but as a woman in my 30s now, no way would i date a guy their in 20s.

Age is clearly aggravating your relationship here.
I was 18 when I met my husband. I assumed since he was with other mutual friends my age he was about my age. It turned out when we started dating he was “8 and a half years” older, an older brother someone in the group (that important to him, rather than saying nine). We married when I was 20, he was just about to be 29. We’ve been married 45 years and are more rock solid than our friends who married people nearer their age, who have mostly divorced.
He like you was unsure how the age gap would affect us and it hasn’t.
Our son is married to a girl 7 years his junior. They are a perfect match (everyone tells us).
A friend recently married his secretary…she’s 15 years older, he’s never married she has two adult sons she was bringing up alone. The sons were uncomfortable with a young stepfather but are getting along with him now really well.

Ask your daughter her opinion on this topic, she may be uncomfortable too about the ‘toy boy’ which was how my mother referred to my father (who was only 5 days younger).

It’s not the age gap that’s the worry it’s the age and life stage.

I find the idea of a man who is in his late 20s going out with a woman who is just out of her teens uncomfortable. It’s about the life stages and power imbalance. I dated older guys at that age and on reflection it was unhealthy and inappropriate.

I’d want to know more about how this happened, how it ended and why he dated her.

If you feel uneasy @Chickenrun12then I’m not sure you’ll easily get past that now.

There is a Jewish rule of ages which I like. Half your age plus 7 is the maximum age gap.

So half of 28 is 14, plus 7 is 21.

Half of 35 is 17, plus 7 is 24.

No, I never said that 35 is old!

I do question what a 28 year old man with no children has in common with a 35 year old mother of a teenager. I absolutely do question that!

When I was 19, I dated a 31 year old for about 6 months. We had a great time together and it didn’t feel at all inappropriate. Looking back, I’m sure I’d have reservations if it was my dd but they would be unfounded in this case.

How do you make that conclusion from information provided, could just as easily not be bothered about the age of a person.

It’s the other way round for me. At 28 years old I think men are typically just open to new experiences so if this is the first older woman he’s dated, he may just be up for the ride really. Doing it to say he did it possibly.

I am still lost on what a 35 year old woman with a 16 year old is looking for with a 28 year old man? I’m just lost on that. I’d imagine a woman in her mid-30s who has had to take on the responsibility of having a child from quite a young age herself would now be looking for a man who is mature, has the ability to provide, offer some pleasant conversation and take some responsibilities off her plate with his means to provide. None of which I can really imagine most 28 year old men being able to offer so maybe this 28 year old guys is a unicorn, let us know OP?!

What a crock!

the difference between someone aged 20 and someone who’s 28 is HUGE!

Depends what you mean by partner to be honest. For example, it’s one thing if he’s 29 now, and she’s 20, nearly 21, and it was a six month fling that just didn’t work out but quite another if it was a long term thing, and they started seeing each other when she was 16 and he was 25. The former, id shrug off, the latter would make me feel sick.

Definitely YABU OP - it's also not very common for a 35 year old to have a 16 year old btw!

I think I agree with the other posters I would more raise a eyebrow at a 28 year old being in a relationship with someone with a teenager then a 20 year old who is child free simply based on compatability and being on the same wave length/stage of life.

In what regard?

The difference in maturity levels, life experience and outlook between a 28 year old male and a 35 year old woman with a 16 year old is likely to be far greater than between that 28 year old male and a 20 year old female.

You're older than him. He's older than the ex. Where is your logic. Ate you jealous

Surely you had a baby at 19 so you cant think she's that young!

Exactly this. Nailed it

I think age gaps make a difference when you are different stages in your life. So OP and partner will probably be at similar stages, but when partner went out with his ex, they would be at different stages, and that is also when power imbalances can come into play. So someone who is around student age, going out with someone nearer their thirties I would see as problematic, and I wouldn't be happy if my uni age DC started seeing someone around their 30s or older. But if 5 or so years later, they met up, so both working, independent, no longer student and more mature, then age gap not such a problem.

I think his age gap with his ex is more conventional than his age gap with you.

I think it’s the opposite. He seems more in the same stage as his ex than the OP. He’s a man in his late twenties who is in a relationship with a woman in her mid-thirties who has already had kids. Does he want kids? Does OP want more? The 20 year old has time to play with but if he wants kids and OP doesn’t they are at completely different stages.

Yes if I had a 16 year old daughter I'd be worried about who he was really attracted to.

Has he seen the daughter? Did he even know she had one when they started a relationship?

You are deliberately misquoting her, a 16 year old is NOT an adult, she said all fine if they are all adults.

A friend of mine got together with a man in his 30s when she was still a teenager. They've been very happy for 20+ years now and have two teenagers who must be about 15 and 18 now.
Another friend did similar, and although the relationship didn't last, they were together a good 7-8 years and have remained friends.
My sister's partner is 8 years older than her. She was in her early 20s when they got together.

I’m confused as to why the 8 year gap you’re concerned about is anything different to the 7 year gap you have with him?

It’s quite a big gap but I think 20 & 29 is just about ok - not much more of a gap than you and him!

Not for everyone. Eg my sister was married with a child at 20 she was much more mature at 20 than my brother was when he was 28.
Also OP had a child when she was 19 so presumably grown up.